AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

[PorkyPINE1]

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

@jfshu why?

There will hopefully never be any need to use him as a human shield - but I was making the point that he comes last in my eyes. Every single time.

In my list of priorities he is right at the bottom. I won't apologise for that.

He is treated well, he loves it here. But my children come first. Always.

AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about having a step mother?

It wouldn't personally offend me to be honest. I think there probably are practical things that me being here has improved, namely things like a larger family income, house, more money for holidays etc.. that they wouldn't have if I weren't here. But I wouldn't blame them at all for thinking life may be less complicated if it was just them and their dad.

It depends on how you all gel as personalities really. If you found them delightful, you’d probably grow a great fondness for them over time. If they’re a bit distant, cheeky, lazy, you likely will start to ‘other’ them and attribute worse character flaws than they actually have.
If you don’t like them, you need to do your best to be kind. They didn’t ask for this.

Some of the comments on this thread are vile and I'm sorry but a PP poster was correct. It is incredibly selfish to want the man but only tolerate the children. If you didnt want the family you had no business marrying the Dad. Some of these poor kids with step parents with such awful attitudes.

I'm just looking at my DSD and DD daughter playing together and I feel joy that I have them both and happiness that I met DH and created this family.

@KingscoteStaff I think recognises circumstances where it can be a positive experience. I've also met a few people where step dad to all intents and purposes was dad, because biological dad either was never around, or had no role from a very young age of their children.

Oh and to further make the point

I would use myself, my husband, my mother, father - you.. ANYONE - to protect my children

Also the family pet. Sorry Reggie.

There is nothing worse. I’ve had two shots at it … first one had a teenage daughter who lived with us. She ruined everything, constantly clinging, constantly butting into conversation, constantly taking over the house … her dad was absolutely useless and would leave the living room if she came down with her straighteners telling us she was doing her hair in the living room so we best go find something to do elsewhere. Couldn’t stand the kid.

Currently married to a bloke with 2 adult children - I use the world children lightly as they’re both late 20s now but still treated like children and hence, still act like children. They have been the cause of every argument we’ve had. I looked forward to the day they were adults and independent … still waiting despite the fact they’re approaching their 30s now 🤦‍♀️

Luckily we don’t see as much of them now and DH has finally taken on my advice to take them out for the day rather than bringing them back here all weekend

Good for you, that’s your experience. Many sp have awful experiences being a step parent so I wouldn’t judge

My brother is a stepdad to two teenagers. Recently for Father’s Day the stepdaughter got him a card and wrote how grateful she is to have him in her life, how wonderful he is, thanking him for how happy he makes her mum and everything he does for them etc etc. It made him quite emotional. He’s only been in their life for a few years (they got married last year).

Their real dad is a bit of a waste of space and my brother doesn’t have any kids of his own though, so maybe it’s slightly different.

Having a family unit has also been really good for my brother too. He is much happier. So, I think being a step parent is what you make it.

I agree op.
But l think a lot of people get into this situation without really realising the reality of being a step parent.
Then everyone says well you knew he had children. But you don't know what it entails.

I will judge anybody who discusses stepping over children in a fire or using them as a human shield.

There's a reason why the wicked stepmother is used in fairy tales to terrify children, imo. This dislike goes right back to Cinderella.

Children absolutely know it's not real. Give them some credit.

I agree.

When I met my DH my thoughts were that the children were there first. They didn't ask for their parents to fall out of love and meet other people.

Why would I choose to marry him without wanting his family to be mine as well. I am not more important than his children.

There will hopefully never be any need to use him as a human shield - but I was making the point that he comes last in my eyes. Every single time.

Because there is literally NO reason to have written that down, I couldn't comprehend "verbalising" using any child as a human shield, never mind one I live with half the week. What is wrong with you? Do you think it's funny?

Yep, you are a self-centred type.

I didn't indicate that your step child saying AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about having a step mother? would be offensive to you (🙄😂) it was to encourage you to see things from another's perspective. Yet, you hop straight away to listing all that you are bringing to the table. None of those things matter to your step child, when love is missing. I mean I didn't give birth to my niece yet I'd try and safe her in an emergency situation.

Like I said, you come across as someone who is a bit basic. That's ok, it takes all sorts and all.

My step mother did not want me around and absolutely made me feel 2nd best to the child she went on to have with my father. I was an annoyance and to be (barely) tolerated. She clearly hated being a step mother. It was an awful experience that has affected me deeply.

My step dad is, to all intents and purposes, my dad. He (with my mum) has always put me front and centre. He is wonderful and has made me feel loved. He introduces me as his daughter and I would always call him my dad. Given my experience and some of the comments on here, thank god for him.

My DP got a ready made family out of being a step parent and the children are demonstrably happier with him here, as now there are two adults worth of time and attention not one.

But the key differences are he doesn't have or want his own kids and my DH died so no ex on scene making everything hard. So we're kind of a 'standard' family to all intents and purposes. He did well out the deal.

Grow up, it’s not literal is it

I think it depends on the family dynamics created by the adults, my ex was Disney dad that wouldn’t say no, mother was very difficult. Kids were lovely, but no longer have contact after relationship ended.
Its a difficult place to be you have a role in the family, but you don’t get any say in it and being the outsider you are the easy outlet for frustration.
Wouldn’t recommend it to anyone and wouldn’t do it again either.

And I wouldn’t want to subject my children to a step parent and step siblings

I want my 15 year old daughter to be sprawled on sofa at the moment wearing a very skimpy nightie.

and my son in the kitchen making a smoothie for him and I, singing along with radio as he does so wearing just his boxers

My much older step sons are wonderful with my son and both refer to him as their younger brother. My son adores them in turn.

I also now have grandchildren via the step sons and they're very much loved.

It probably helped that the older two were older teens when I met DH although there were a few tricky years initially whilst they were still growing up.

Well actually it would literally be the case of there was a fire.

I would step over any step child to reach my child, without hesitation

judge away 🤷‍♀️

Well my stepchild is a brilliant part of being a step parent; she is brilliant. Obviously no child is perfect or that would be odd and there’s lot around behind a step parent and the ex that is very difficult but I’m very proud to be her step parent. I do consider myself lucky in that.

I think people (and I’d include myself in this) who couldn’t love a child of their family “properly” shouldn’t get involved with people who have children.

I think it’s awful to enter into a relationship with someone knowing you’re only going to be able to tolerate their child.

I feel so so lucky that my DH genuinely loves my eldest dd - he says he has 2 girls (we have one together too) to anyone that asks and is more a dad to her than her actual dad who lives away (although he is still in her life). And in return she absolutely loves him as a father. They drive each other nuts too but only like any parent / child.

I'm a step parent, and it isn't something I would repeat.

However, I love my DH, and he loves my children genuinely. I now see my relationship with my stepchildren for what it is. I have strong boundaries and zero expectations.

However, I would never be able to 'step over' any child to get to my own in a house fire. Equally, if my children were saved first because that's just how it happened, I'd go back in for my stepchildren.

I think with that attitude, you shouldn't be a step parent at all. It's shockingly inhumane, and hopefully, there isn't a step parent out there who would step over your DC's to get to their own.