AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

[PorkyPINE1]

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

Loved every minute of being a stepmum. And my stepson is the best brother to his younger siblings. I also love being grandma to my step grandson. Nothing can compare to the privilege of being part of a child's life as they grow. But I went in with an open heart and mind - it may not work for people with preconceived notions.

My step child is awesome! A great personality and so much fun. Can’t see any negatives here.

Lots of people go in with an open heart and mind, but the reality is often shit.

I would never in a million years have got involved with a man with children, and at the time (years ago when I was single) a friend actually got very het up with me over a few drinks and told me I was awful because of that.

Yet she was then the one having relationship difficulties a few months later as she got involved with an older guy with teenagers and he's keep walking out in her at random times to go and give his children lifts etc.

That being said, my brother married a young widow, but that's a different scenario I think. He was able to fully take on the parental role, with her support, and subsequently adopted them. I think that makes all the difference, and what makes the stepparent role so generally difficult is this half-in/half out scenario plus an ex in the picture.

All that said, I think there are probably many more unhappy step-parenting set-ups than there are happy ones. We live in a society that encourages family cohabitation early through culture (being a 'proper' family) and financial necessity.*
Among those I know, financial necessity is almost always the reason for unfortunately early "family blending". I wish it was not.

My step children are my children. Yes, they bug me. Yes, they push me to the limit sometimes. That’s what children do. But they are my children and you’ll have to prize my dead cold fingers from them if push comes to shove.

See my stepmum is lovely. She married my Dad when I was 12. Now 40 years on we still have a good relationship and I love her to bits. Might be different as I lived with my dad after my parents divorce so she didn't have an ex dictating about kids lol

But a bloke with kids has always been a no no for me. I even went off my sons dad after we had him and he became kid obsessed.

My current partner has 2 adult offspring who fortunately both live abroad for work. I'd not have gone near him if they were nearby.

I’m really attached to my step kids. And their kids. Ds is also attached to Dh.

Not every step family is inherently toxic. Ds wa an only, now he has 2 step brothers and a half sister. He loves it.

I am a stepchild and a stepmother. I have a great relationship with my stepmother even though she was my Dad’s mistress for years and my Mum was determined that we should hate her. Have had 3 x SC’s for over ten years and it has been thoroughly miserable. My husband is amazing , hard working, always stepped up to all of his parental responsibilities, showed them so much love and support. They have lived with us at various times because their mother is mentally unstable.

if I had my life over I would have realised that if a person has an ex with serious personality issues whatever you do and however much you try to love and support them they’re going to turn out as nightmare kids and so it has proved. It’s not worth it. The SD’s have been the worst - cruel and unkind and constantly watching and commenting on our lives including online which feels like abuse. I understand that they are damaged by their mother but they have chosen how to react to their situation and I would be happy if I never had to see them again.

I have been in their shoes and I chose a different path. We don’t all have to be victims. I thought that I understood how it felt to be a stepchild and so could be a good stepmother but it has been a pointless waste of effort and has been more stressful than I could have ever imagined. I would never marry someone with children again.

Awwww my step dd is lovely. Im very fond of her but then she has always been very accepting of my relationship with her dad. I leave parenting to dh and concentrate on my own dd.
I am happy that ge goes off with ger at times as I get me time. It has been tough at times becayse of the ex but he's 100% worth it.

He goes off with her*

I love my step dd but in the way that I love my nephews. I love my own dd more obviously but still....i have been in her life for ages. It's a bit cold not to feel anything...unless they are awful.

That is horrible thing to say. Why you even have to go to that kind of scenario?

If I had my time again I would never have been a step parent.

There is never anything good about being the step child as I think this thread demonstrates. So much dismissive contempt for the poor children stuck in the middle.

I've done it twice, for around 10 years each time. They were great kids and I grew to love them. Then the relationships ended and I never saw them again. I miss them.

My mum had a bad experience from having a step dad so after my partner and I split I opted to stay single to raise my children. They are pretty much grown now but I'd avoid dating men with younger children than mine now.

It isn't actually the children that are the problem I should add from my comment but the complications around dealing with the child's other parent and financial obligations etc that bother me more.

I've complained about my stepkids' terrible diets but honestly I do feel we have a bond now and I feel genuine love for them. Probably different because my own son is much older so not 'competing' for affection/ time/ etc
I feel very lucky to have a bigger family now. Oh I'm sure it will all get hideous when the hormones kick in but the kids ask for me over gran and sometimes dad and I feel happy when they come over

I was a stepparent for 7 years. Many a thread I posted on the stepparenting board, mainly about DSD, in that time.

I loved them truly and when I left ExH it took me longer to get over them than it did to get over him.

But christ alive my life is so much better now. If I'd have known what a weight would have been lifted I would have done it years before.

The most thankless and misunderstood role I've ever done.

I will never subject my children to a step parent

That may not be a decision you can make.

Out of interest, what don't you like about him? You say he is polite and you go out of your way to do nice things for him. I don't mean 'why don't you love him as much as your own kids' because of course you don't. However, from your own words I gather that you pretend to like him more than you do and I just wonder why.

I would never be a stepparent. I once briefly dated a man with kids and it was a nightmare. My perspective is a little different to most on this thread as I am also not a parent and have no desire to be one, but I would still never be a stepmother, it is a thankless task.
Oddly enough, the one person I know who is a stepmother prefers her SD to her DS: she had massive gender disappointment and her SD was three when she came into her life. She sees her as her own daughter as the child's mother is dead, and as I say, she's her favourite. I'm not sure that she would actively step over her son to rescue her stepdaughter, but she sure wouldn't step over her to get to him. She prefers her.

If I had my time again I wouldn’t have started a relationship with DH. I wasted the last few remaining fertile years I had ( I have 1 bio dc but always wanted another) because he didn’t want anymore. His kids walked all over him as did his kids mums. If I got involved I was told it wasn’t my business (watching my DH being walked over and treated like shit is my business). No thanks for going out of my way but always pulled up if I didn’t, could never bloody win. It has taken all the shine off mine and DH’s relationship, love certainly doesn’t bloody conquer all.

Not for me. I don’t have the patience or inclination to raise somebody else’s kids. And when it comes to things like inheritance, I want everything to go to my biological child not some other woman’s child/ren.