Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

625 replies

PorkyPINE1 · 24/06/2023 09:41

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

OP posts:
LizzieW1969 · 26/06/2023 08:32

Jazzappledelish · 26/06/2023 05:29

A lot of words outlining why you disagree and find it sad that I think SP can’t love their SC as much as their own.

but ALL your words about love are about how you imagine your DH feels about his SC!!

ultimately - you are imagining your DH loves your children as much as you. Which is plainly daft. You can’t possibly know that.

and time and time again on this very thread -any posters have said that they do love their SC very much but yes - not as they love their own child

Show quote history

Most, not all. As I said earlier, my DSis genuinely does love her DSS the same as her 2 bio DC and her adopted DS. She’s said so to me on numerous occasions. (Unless you’d suggest that she’s lying to me, with no reason to?)

She doesn’t have a mother-son relationship with him (he calls her by her first name), though she does now have a grandparent role in the lives of his DC.

I’m sure there are others who are the same! Even if it isn’t usually the case.

Jazzappledelish · 26/06/2023 08:34

LizzieW1969 · 26/06/2023 08:32

Most, not all. As I said earlier, my DSis genuinely does love her DSS the same as her 2 bio DC and her adopted DS. She’s said so to me on numerous occasions. (Unless you’d suggest that she’s lying to me, with no reason to?)

She doesn’t have a mother-son relationship with him (he calls her by her first name), though she does now have a grandparent role in the lives of his DC.

I’m sure there are others who are the same! Even if it isn’t usually the case.

Show quote history

Once again

You can’t possibly know that your Sister “genuinely” loves her step child as much as her own.

Jazzappledelish · 26/06/2023 08:35

Wait - this is her adopted child

fgs an adopted child is her child!!!

Jazzappledelish · 26/06/2023 08:35

you are honestly comparing your sisters child (adopted) with the relationship between step parent and step child?

come off it.

LizzieW1969 · 26/06/2023 08:38

And obviously it was different for her, as she knew that her DSS would be living with them the majority of the time and that she would have a caring role, and accepted that in advance. A lot of stepparents end up getting lumbered with doing more childcare than they agreed to do (as is clear on MN threads), and hence resent it understandably.

DuckyShincracker · 26/06/2023 08:38

My own step mother can drop the temperature in a room by 10 degrees at the mere mention of my name! The first time my DSS3 who was as usual in trouble at school and needed a parent figure used the word step mother for me I felt physically sick. I've done my best with my 3 and am fond of them. I've had a positive impact on their lives by changing the attitude to education in our household. I've saved one from dying whilst his mum was out on a bender. I had to step up because although their Mum loves them she's always been sketchy. It's been bumpy but I'd say I was really close to 2 out of the 3 which is their choice now as they are all adults now. My DP has protected and loved my DD's. Although my DD see's him as a brother not a father which I think is a compliment as their own father is so awful. My own stepfather is a annoying but lovely and I wouldn't be without him.

LizzieW1969 · 26/06/2023 08:39

Jazzappledelish · 26/06/2023 08:35

you are honestly comparing your sisters child (adopted) with the relationship between step parent and step child?

come off it.

She has both a DSS (now 25) and an adopted child (7).

LizzieW1969 · 26/06/2023 08:40

I’m an adoptive mum myself so I’m well aware that it isn’t the same! I’m not at all sure that I’d be well equipped to be a stepmum!

Jazzappledelish · 26/06/2023 08:40

So my point stands

you really cannot know your sister loves her DSS the same as her children. You can’t. Words are words.

just like you can’t know your dh loves your children as much as his own.

Jazzappledelish · 26/06/2023 08:42

LizzieW1969 · 26/06/2023 08:40

I’m an adoptive mum myself so I’m well aware that it isn’t the same! I’m not at all sure that I’d be well equipped to be a stepmum!

Why not when you say your dh loves your children as much as his own and it’s been wonderful

LizzieW1969 · 26/06/2023 08:47

No, my DH and I are parents together to our adopted DDs (14 and 11). We’re not a blended family, unlike my DSis and DBIL.

HarpyValley · 26/06/2023 08:48

I have a great relationship with my SDC, but I think there are three reasons why I struck gold here: they were mid-teen when their father moved in with me so I never had to do, or watch him do, any early years parenting and they never lived here full time; I don’t have (and never wanted) DC of my own so there’s nothing to compare to and no tension for him between ‘first’ and ‘second’ families, and finally because my SDC is a lovely person and accepted me from the beginning. So for me it’s been an almost completely positive experience but I do appreciate how very lucky I am in that!

aSofaNearYou · 26/06/2023 09:11

But I do strongly feel if you choose to be a step parent you need to be 100% in. If you and your partner can not create a loving family where all children are equally loved then you should do the decent thing and walk away.

My DP would not have wanted to live alone for his whole life just so his son did not have to live with somebody who didn't love him but acted fine with him EOW. He spends more time with that with teachers who don't love him without it damaging him. It's just not worth that level of sacrifice the way it would be if he had him full time.

CleverLilViper · 26/06/2023 09:29

MrsJHarker · 25/06/2023 09:24

I wonder if the women who can't love their SC is because they came from their DH's being intimate with another woman. Insecure and pathetic.

Or maybe, just maybe, hear me out on this novel concept- some people just feel differently than you do.

Throughout this thread you’ve shown a complete lack of ability to understand that not everyone thinks or feels the same way that you do and seem to think that makes you superior to them because you’re so virtuous and managed to forge this bond with your SC that other posters who don’t are just so deficient to not.

In an ideal world all step parents will love their SCs as much as their own and everything will be hunky dory and happy ever after. We don’t live in an ideal world and people aren’t perfect.

If you don’t feel it, you don’t feel it and you can’t force those feelings. People should think long and hard before getting into such a set up if they can actually do it.

However one PP described a setup where she takes care of her DSS and his needs and wants are met but she doesn’t love him like her own and people still had a pop at her.

Sometimes the best that can be hoped for in situations is that the SP takes care of the children, meets their needs and that is that. Sometimes people get into these set ups imagining that there will naturally come a time when they bond and it just never happens.

It also depends on the set up when entering. How old are the kids? Was it an amicable split or acrimonious? Does the partner whose kids they are share the load or do they burden the SP? Is the SP allowed to play an active role in SC lives inc making decisions? Or are they pushed to the side when deemed unnecessary and pulled to the forefront when useful?

So many variables and complications that it’s no wonder some people who are in this set up feel disillusioned with it. And why I will never get into it.

MrsJHarker · 26/06/2023 09:50

CleverLilViper · 26/06/2023 09:29

Or maybe, just maybe, hear me out on this novel concept- some people just feel differently than you do.

Throughout this thread you’ve shown a complete lack of ability to understand that not everyone thinks or feels the same way that you do and seem to think that makes you superior to them because you’re so virtuous and managed to forge this bond with your SC that other posters who don’t are just so deficient to not.

In an ideal world all step parents will love their SCs as much as their own and everything will be hunky dory and happy ever after. We don’t live in an ideal world and people aren’t perfect.

If you don’t feel it, you don’t feel it and you can’t force those feelings. People should think long and hard before getting into such a set up if they can actually do it.

However one PP described a setup where she takes care of her DSS and his needs and wants are met but she doesn’t love him like her own and people still had a pop at her.

Sometimes the best that can be hoped for in situations is that the SP takes care of the children, meets their needs and that is that. Sometimes people get into these set ups imagining that there will naturally come a time when they bond and it just never happens.

It also depends on the set up when entering. How old are the kids? Was it an amicable split or acrimonious? Does the partner whose kids they are share the load or do they burden the SP? Is the SP allowed to play an active role in SC lives inc making decisions? Or are they pushed to the side when deemed unnecessary and pulled to the forefront when useful?

So many variables and complications that it’s no wonder some people who are in this set up feel disillusioned with it. And why I will never get into it.

Show quote history

I thought long and hard about staying with and marrying my DH. I was scared sbout taking on the role and having such an important part in the children's lives and if I wanted it.

My DH is a good Dad and I didn't want to feel resentment of spending 2/7 of my life with the children. If I had felt like that I wouldnt have married him.

Maybe I was lucky that they were great kids and they loved their half sibling.

It wasn't all easy. I just don't see the point of people like the OP who put up with the children so she can be married to their Dad. Then hating a huge part of their life.

aSofaNearYou · 26/06/2023 10:34

It wasn't all easy. I just don't see the point of people like the OP who put up with the children so she can be married to their Dad. Then hating a huge part of their life.

The explanation for that is simple but you just keep ignoring it and saying you don't understand. Because it's not always a huge part of their life. If a woman had a husband with a golf hobby that took up a huge portion of EOW, that she wasn't keen on, would you not understand why she might choose to put up with it? People choose to put up with things that are a pain some but not all of the time from their spouses all the time.

MrsJHarker · 26/06/2023 10:56

aSofaNearYou · 26/06/2023 10:34

It wasn't all easy. I just don't see the point of people like the OP who put up with the children so she can be married to their Dad. Then hating a huge part of their life.

The explanation for that is simple but you just keep ignoring it and saying you don't understand. Because it's not always a huge part of their life. If a woman had a husband with a golf hobby that took up a huge portion of EOW, that she wasn't keen on, would you not understand why she might choose to put up with it? People choose to put up with things that are a pain some but not all of the time from their spouses all the time.

I just think it's sad that the SC are seen as a pain.

MrsJHarker · 26/06/2023 10:58

It is a huge part of your life and not comparable to s golf hobby.

aSofaNearYou · 26/06/2023 11:01

MrsJHarker · 26/06/2023 10:58

It is a huge part of your life and not comparable to s golf hobby.

You don't really get to say that about other people's lives, though. I'd say it was a pretty big part of my life, but not a huge part. It obviously would be if he was around more.

And if my DP had a hobby he spent all of EOW doing, then yes, it would be comparable.

MrsJHarker · 26/06/2023 11:06

aSofaNearYou · 26/06/2023 11:01

You don't really get to say that about other people's lives, though. I'd say it was a pretty big part of my life, but not a huge part. It obviously would be if he was around more.

And if my DP had a hobby he spent all of EOW doing, then yes, it would be comparable.

Show quote history

Why wasn't he around more?

aSofaNearYou · 26/06/2023 11:08

Why wasn't he around more?

Because he just has him EOW, like lots of separated dads.

OrlandointheWilderness · 26/06/2023 11:17

My DP and I both came into our relationship with children, both 12. We've been together 2 years and it has honestly and genuinely been wonderful watching us all bond and develop. The kids are good friends, they FaceTime when they aren't together, and both DP and I have developed lovely relationships with the children. We are on the same page parent wise - big decision are left to parent but day to day small stuff we treat them both the same and we back each up and trust each others judgement.

I wouldn't say we are far enough in yet to be considered a step parent, but I hope very much that one day we are. I love my partners son, and he is an incredible lad.
Helps that my DP and his DM are civil and organised, and have good arrangements in place, and we are all very adult!

MrsJHarker · 26/06/2023 11:18

aSofaNearYou · 26/06/2023 11:08

Why wasn't he around more?

Because he just has him EOW, like lots of separated dads.

I see. We had them more and we still see them often.

Do you think he likes you?

I am seeing that everyone's situation is different however I love seeing my DH with all his children.

MrsJHarker · 26/06/2023 11:21

@OrlandointheWilderness that sounds lovely.

aSofaNearYou · 26/06/2023 11:23

@MrsJHarker yes I have no reason to think he dislikes me.

I love seeing my DP with our two shared children but I can't say I get any specific positive feeling from seeing him with all three. It's not special for me the way it is for him.