AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

[PorkyPINE1]

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

At least you are honest.

😂

I do find that really bizarre though.

I do find that really bizarre though.

I don't really see why tbh. There's no reason for that to give me of all people the warm and fuzzies.

What does he do (apart from breathing) that irritates you so much?

Don't tell Me

Everything.

Thank you @MrsJHarker, it actually is. I think we've taken the time to slowly build it and we give equal weight to each child's needs and opinions, and try to consider them as much as possible. The kids are both lovely, open and friendly children and it really helps that they have clicked so well. They like to disappear off with boatloads of snacks watching films or discussing Roblox 😂
Bloody love our slightly chaotic life!

Does it make a difference if you've had shared children with your partner? DP and I don't want anymore, oddly enough we feel like a complete family, I just wondered if maybe people fe differently when you have a shared child?

@MrsJHarker He's just an irritating kid - very attention seeking, can't really handle it when conversation isn't about him and will always try to bring it around, quite spoilt and materialistic, never listens, very loud and hyper, often sulky, his sense of humour is being shaped by people I wouldn't go along with so I just don't find it funny. Step parent or not, he's just not the kind of kid I would enjoy being around. He's a normal kid, just not the kind I particularly like the company of.

But all of that is immaterial really to whether seeing my DP with all his children would make my heart sing. There's no real reason for seeing him with a child that isn't mine to give me that feeling.

I think they do, particularly if the shared children are the step parent’s only children.

Everything then.

@MrsJHarker Your point being?

I rather like the golf analogy
I often think of my DHs involvement with his children as an expensive addiction, like gambling only I know the money aspect will stop when they are old enough (of course I know there will still be occasional financial contributions but that will be decided jointly and it won't go to his ex)
My DH used to try and get me involved in his children's life, he'd want us to play happy families every weekend but then I got him to read Stepmonster, it basically told him that I wasn't as interested and I'd never love his children. I got to know them when they were young but not baby young. They look like their mother and they'll alway just be a reminder of his past.
So why did I get involved with someone with kids? First off he asked me on a date and we fell in love. Secondly I'd dated A LOT of men and I was getting older, I wanted children and I knew a sacrifice had to beg made so I made it to the stepmum gods!
Always remember NO ONE WANTS A STEPMUM AND NO ONE WANTS TO BE A STEPMUM.

Jesus

I get what you mean ASofa.

I feel a real sense of warmth and love from watching DH interact with our children, because they are my children and I think that feeling is more of an extension of my love for them if anything. I don't feel warm and fuzzy watching DH interact with my step children. It's nothing to do with them personally, they just aren't my kids and I don't feel warm and fuzzy over them in general like I do my children 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes, exactly!

I just guessed you didn't like anything about him.

Have you ever thought the attention seeking might be because he only sees his Dad EOW and his Stepmum views him as an annoying hobby that his Dad has.

my Mum didn't remarry after my Dad died and I really resented her at the time as we were all secondary school age and could see how much she struggled as a single parent. Now I'm middle aged and a parent, I can see why she stayed single and I'd do the same.
Stepfathers pose a very real risk to stepchildren, especially stepdaughters.

If my husband wanted to be with someone who loved his kids and their well-being was the most important thing to him then he should have stayed married to his ex wife. He made that sacrifice when he left he, he sacrificed the joy of being a partnership and watching your joint children grow up and sharing all that love together.
Last night my DH and I sat and watched a cutesy baby film with our shared DC day between us, we were both beaming with love and pride, we also both knew that wouldn't be the case if his DC were there sat between us.
That's his sacrifice and sadly it's not that great for the DC involved and I feel for them and do try to make our time together as fun filled as possible but, damn, I'll never love them

Have you ever thought the attention seeking might be because he only sees his Dad EOW and his Stepmum views him as an annoying hobby that his Dad has.

I've seen him with other people, he's always attention seeking. He winds his own parents up half of the time so I'll make no apology for the fact that he also winds me up.

Most people (Inc women) are not biologically wired to 'love' children that are not their own!
It is possible if my husbands sons were very little when we met that I might have felt more 'motherly' towards them but as teenagers they didn't need that. I didn't need to love them- I will say again their wants and needs were met as some people seem to think that by not loving them I made their lives a misery, definitely not the case.
I advocated for them at school, spent money I had earned on clothing and shoes, took them out and did fun things with them.
It is entirely possible to make a positive impact without loving them as much as your own children.

Step parents just don't like their step kids as much as they'd like their own kids. Take away all the sentimental Hallmark mush about blended families from Hollywood and it's just a stark fact of human nature. We prefer our own genes. It's called the Cinderella Effect in anthropology if you want to read more about the phenomenon.

Folklore, or as it's rather patronisingly (and inaccurately) called now, 'fairytales', contain thousands of generations of accumulated human wisdom amassed from lived experiences. The Wicked Stepmother is a common trope in folklore for a good reason.

All this talk about not loving kids the same unless they are biologically yours is making me really uncomfortable- I have friends who have adopted and I don't think anyone could love their kids more. I also have friends with 2 adopted children and one who is there's and I doubt very much they could say they love the one who is bio theirs more.

Why are we trying to quantify love!? If you love your step children, what does it matter who your rescue first in a fire! Just get on with loving them and stop analysing it.

People who adopt are the select few that deliberately make that choice because they feel they CAN love that child like their own. There is a reason not everybody does it, in fact most people don't.

It is entirely possible to make a positive impact without loving them as much as your own children.

I don't love them as much as my own. I love them though like I love my Niece.

My SC's other stepparent also have a good relationship with them.

Adoption is in no way similar to having step children.
Adoptive parents choose to adopt because they want to love that child.
If I were to adopt for example I would only adopt a child under two years old, preferably a baby.
My husbands sons were already teenagers when we met and I unfortunately couldn't turn back time and make them little again!

Well, sure. Mind you, There's been a few studies that show that childless couples who adopted, then subsequently somehow managed to have biological kids, invested more time and resources into the bio kids and the adopted kids were demoted somewhat.

Google parental investment theory (originally floated by Darwin but only in a v basic form, most of the real research has been done in the last 70 years) and that'll take you off on a trail of some pretty good studies to read on this.

I wouldn't worry about being uncomfortable. Evolutionary biology is rarely comfortable (filial cannibalism, anyone?) and I wouldn't bother thinking about it too much. I'm sure your friends adore their adopted kids, and that's lovely.

You had the choice about marrying him, though. I was very clear in my mind after my first marriage that I didn’t want to get involved with anyone who had kids, especially little ones. Mine was already an adult. I ended up being a stepmother to kids aged 14, 8 and 6 because I fell in love with their dad but nobody made me marry him, it was my choice not to walk away.