Page 23 | AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

PorkyPINE1 · 2023-06-24T08:41:04+00:00

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience. Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

aSofaNearYou · 26/06/2023 13:34

You had the choice about marrying him, though. I was very clear in my mind after my first marriage that I didn’t want to get involved with anyone who had kids, especially little ones. Mine was already an adult. I ended up being a stepmother to kids aged 14, 8 and 6 because I fell in love with their dad but nobody made me marry him, it was my choice not to walk away.

You're missing the point. People adopt because they want a child. People become a step parent because they want to be with their parent, and that is a byproduct. Yes we have a choice, but that choice is not motivated by wanting a child to love like our own.

BrokenBonesStixStones · 26/06/2023 13:37

Jazzappledelish · 24/06/2023 09:44

I will never ever ever be a step parent

and I will never ever subject my children to a step parent

living with children that I don’t love or at least not even close to how I feel about my children. No thanks

and going on holiday them? Sharing Christmas with them? Sharing a bathroom with them? Sharing a life with them? Literally shudder

added to which, I’d be a shit step parent because ultimately I would step over them to reach my own children if there was a house fire!

This is how I feel exactly, I think it’s honest & realistic.

Blossomtoes · 26/06/2023 13:38

People become a step parent because they want to be with their parent, and that is a byproduct.

That’s what I said. 🤷‍♀️

but that choice is not motivated by wanting a child to love like our own.

The choice to walk away is motivated by not wanting that. Or it would have been in my case.

PreviewPost · 26/06/2023 13:39

As always it is important to remember that these are just words on the internet. I bet the step mothers here who have referred to saving their kids in a fire, are not planning on allowing their step children to burn to death any time soon. I doubt they even give the concept a second thought most of the time other than on threads like this, when it is a valid point for debate.

Whilst the wording may seem harsh to some, I don’t think there is any need for the dramatic clutching of pearls what is going on here.

Also we have no evidence for the stepmothering ability of those here who are smugly crowing about the love they feel for their step kids as they vie for the stepmum of the year trophy. The only opinion which counts is that of the stepchild and they may have a very different view of their stepmother.

My bet is that most of the step mums here are doing a pretty good job, looking after their step kids in a kind and caring fashion. They are just reflecting on their challenging experiences, not planning imminent death on the step kids.

StayLiquid · 26/06/2023 13:40

I think that those who say us stepparents knew what we were getting into is not necessarily true. For example:

I didn't know it would be court case after court case.
I didn't know the ex would be vindictive and abusive towards us and stepson.
I didn't know stepson would make up lies against us all, including his own father just to please his mum, effectively labelling us all abusers.
I didn't know the ex would drag me and my own children into the abuse.
I didn't know the family court and associated professionals would actually side with the ex no matter what the evidence showed.

So no, I don't think we stepmums always know what we are getting into.

PreviewPost · 26/06/2023 13:46

StayLiquid · 26/06/2023 13:40

I think that those who say us stepparents knew what we were getting into is not necessarily true. For example:

I didn't know it would be court case after court case.
I didn't know the ex would be vindictive and abusive towards us and stepson.
I didn't know stepson would make up lies against us all, including his own father just to please his mum, effectively labelling us all abusers.
I didn't know the ex would drag me and my own children into the abuse.
I didn't know the family court and associated professionals would actually side with the ex no matter what the evidence showed.

So no, I don't think we stepmums always know what we are getting into.

Well quite. How many of us say that we weren’t really properly prepared for the relentlessness and exhaustion of early parenthood, or the overwhelming responsibility. Despite having read every book and internet forum about it all. Quite a few I think.

Things are not always as we expect. That’s life and I am not sure step parents deserved immediate censure for when things don’t go smoothly and they find it difficult.

StayLiquid · 26/06/2023 13:48

@PreviewPost I agree but I was trying to make the point that we actually don't always know what we are getting into as no one can know what the future holds. Therefore, it may be something that we wouldn't have chosen had we known the outcome.

PreviewPost · 26/06/2023 13:51

StayLiquid · 26/06/2023 13:48

@PreviewPost I agree but I was trying to make the point that we actually don't always know what we are getting into as no one can know what the future holds. Therefore, it may be something that we wouldn't have chosen had we known the outcome.

Yes I agree with your points.

aSofaNearYou · 26/06/2023 13:51

Blossomtoes · 26/06/2023 13:38

People become a step parent because they want to be with their parent, and that is a byproduct.

That’s what I said. 🤷‍♀️

but that choice is not motivated by wanting a child to love like our own.

The choice to walk away is motivated by not wanting that. Or it would have been in my case.

And others choose not to walk away, because they don't view not loving them as a problem.

MrsJHarker · 26/06/2023 13:53

PreviewPost · 26/06/2023 13:39

As always it is important to remember that these are just words on the internet. I bet the step mothers here who have referred to saving their kids in a fire, are not planning on allowing their step children to burn to death any time soon. I doubt they even give the concept a second thought most of the time other than on threads like this, when it is a valid point for debate.

Whilst the wording may seem harsh to some, I don’t think there is any need for the dramatic clutching of pearls what is going on here.

Also we have no evidence for the stepmothering ability of those here who are smugly crowing about the love they feel for their step kids as they vie for the stepmum of the year trophy. The only opinion which counts is that of the stepchild and they may have a very different view of their stepmother.

My bet is that most of the step mums here are doing a pretty good job, looking after their step kids in a kind and caring fashion. They are just reflecting on their challenging experiences, not planning imminent death on the step kids.

No pearl clutching from me. That's always thrown about on here.

My SC do love me and your post doesn't make me question that. They are actually happy that both of their parents are with other people who make them happy. Their other stepparent is lovely and has done more for them than me as they lived with them. They often talk about having two families that are there for them.

I've put a lot of effort into the relationship and it's not always been wonderful.

I get why people choose not to get with people with children as its hard work.

It's nice to read that not all stepparents feel that the SC are a pain.

I'm now a step nanny and I love them too.

PreviewPost · 26/06/2023 14:01

MrsJHarker · 26/06/2023 13:53

No pearl clutching from me. That's always thrown about on here.

My SC do love me and your post doesn't make me question that. They are actually happy that both of their parents are with other people who make them happy. Their other stepparent is lovely and has done more for them than me as they lived with them. They often talk about having two families that are there for them.

I've put a lot of effort into the relationship and it's not always been wonderful.

I get why people choose not to get with people with children as its hard work.

It's nice to read that not all stepparents feel that the SC are a pain.

I'm now a step nanny and I love them too.

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There are plenty of people here who are performatively shocked, disgusted and appalled at people who are apparently stepping on step kids to save their baby in a fire. Anyone using this phrase is vile and a psychopath with personality disorder.

‘Who would you save in a fire’ is a pretty common turn of phrase. Some here are taking it comically literally.

Lizzt2007 · 26/06/2023 14:03

SunnyEgg · 24/06/2023 12:43

I imagine a lot of posters here are ex-wives that have been left for OW and are now seething

Not at all. Still with dh and dc together but I find the human shield lines and not save in a fire posts quite something.

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Nobody said they wouldn't save in a fire, just that they'd save their own FIRST.

3LittleFishes · 26/06/2023 14:07

Blossomtoes · 26/06/2023 13:31

You had the choice about marrying him, though. I was very clear in my mind after my first marriage that I didn’t want to get involved with anyone who had kids, especially little ones. Mine was already an adult. I ended up being a stepmother to kids aged 14, 8 and 6 because I fell in love with their dad but nobody made me marry him, it was my choice not to walk away.

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But why should I have walked away?
I repeat, I don't love them as I love my own, it didn't stop me from looking after them, even now they are adults they come to me for help and advice.
If you saw us together as a family you would probably get the warm fuzzies, my children do undoubtedly love their older brothers. I don't.
I think people automatically assume anyone that admits to not loving sc are the wicked stepmother locking the little treasures in the cellar.....the reality is very different.

SunnyEgg · 26/06/2023 14:09

Lizzt2007 · 26/06/2023 14:03

Nobody said they wouldn't save in a fire, just that they'd save their own FIRST.

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I don’t think you can say that with confidence but does this apply to the human shield poster too?

I don’t get the ramp up the I don’t care factor then getting annoyed people are actually responding to what they’ve said.

PreviewPost · 26/06/2023 14:09

Lizzt2007 · 26/06/2023 14:03

Nobody said they wouldn't save in a fire, just that they'd save their own FIRST.

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Has any step parent here said that if there was a fire and they could only save one child, that they would save the young stepkid over their own young child? Anyone? 😏

lucylousweetie · 26/06/2023 15:43

jeaux90 · 26/06/2023 06:54

I think people should be a lot more sensible about blending their families.

I'm a lone parent, my partner is a co-parent. We have been in a relationship for 6 years and next year we will be moving in together because his son is off to university in September, next year my DD will be 15.

Blending families too early is a PITA on so many different levels.

Your DD will be 15 when your partner moves in? How does she feel about sharing a home at this age with your boyfriend? My 15 year old wanders around the house semi nude in this weather, luxuriates in the bathroom for hours on end, and loves our dinners together.

I can’t think of a worse age to suddenly have sharing my home with a man, from having never shared one before and no brother

phoenixrosehere · 26/06/2023 15:59

MrsJHarker · 26/06/2023 13:53

No pearl clutching from me. That's always thrown about on here.

My SC do love me and your post doesn't make me question that. They are actually happy that both of their parents are with other people who make them happy. Their other stepparent is lovely and has done more for them than me as they lived with them. They often talk about having two families that are there for them.

I've put a lot of effort into the relationship and it's not always been wonderful.

I get why people choose not to get with people with children as its hard work.

It's nice to read that not all stepparents feel that the SC are a pain.

I'm now a step nanny and I love them too.

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No pearl clutching from me. That's always thrown about on here.

The poster didn’t say you specifically did they.

MrsJHarker · 26/06/2023 16:06

phoenixrosehere · 26/06/2023 15:59

No pearl clutching from me. That's always thrown about on here.

The poster didn’t say you specifically did they.

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No but I was one of the posters who was definitely coming across as virtuous and trying to win the stepmum of the year award 😂.

Even though I wasn't, I just like my SC a lot.

Why did it bother you that I replied to them?

phoenixrosehere · 26/06/2023 16:14

MrsJHarker · 26/06/2023 16:06

No but I was one of the posters who was definitely coming across as virtuous and trying to win the stepmum of the year award 😂.

Even though I wasn't, I just like my SC a lot.

Why did it bother you that I replied to them?

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Why assume that it bothered me? Simply thought it odd to say it wasn’t you when the poster didn’t say you. They could have been referencing the several other posters who wouldn’t let go of the phrase that was used and kept going on about it.

MrsJHarker · 26/06/2023 16:21

phoenixrosehere · 26/06/2023 16:14

Why assume that it bothered me? Simply thought it odd to say it wasn’t you when the poster didn’t say you. They could have been referencing the several other posters who wouldn’t let go of the phrase that was used and kept going on about it.

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Well you went out of your way to message me which I think is odd.

jeaux90 · 26/06/2023 16:38

@lucylousweetie you are an idiot.

Do you honestly think we have waited years to move in together to then pick the wrong moment.

Such a dick comment.

mynameisnotthis2 · 26/06/2023 16:39

It doesn't have to be all or nothing is what I'm thinking reading most of these posts... I have a son and wouldn't expect someone to love him as much as me, but I also can't imagine joining a family and feeling completely indifferent towards children that weren't mine. I can imagine having a sort of aunt type feeling towards a stepchild if I ever had one, rather than motherly love.

I'm also wondering how many people keep it a secret from thier partner just how little they care for their stepchildren.

lucylousweetie · 26/06/2023 16:47

jeaux90 · 26/06/2023 16:38

@lucylousweetie you are an idiot.

Do you honestly think we have waited years to move in together to then pick the wrong moment.

Such a dick comment.

Well it hasn’t happened yet has it

jeaux90 · 26/06/2023 17:14

@lucylousweetie have you heard of consent and boundaries? It's what you discuss with your kids for a long time before you even consider a blended family.

lucylousweetie · 26/06/2023 18:00

jeaux90 · 26/06/2023 17:14

@lucylousweetie have you heard of consent and boundaries? It's what you discuss with your kids for a long time before you even consider a blended family.

I’m not talking about consent and boundaries!

i am talking about a 15 year old girl feeling like she can wander around half undressed in her own home, a teen girl who has lived alone with her mother all her life, no man or brothers in her home - and suddenly at this age, full of hormones and general teen stuff… a man is thrust in to her living space.

I am presuming / hoping that you are confident that boundaries and consent isn’t really something you need to worry about

each to their own. Not something I’d have wanted at 15, and not something my 15 year old would want or I’d want for her. And I say this as she’s getting last of summer sun topless in the garden!