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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think there is rarely anything good about being a step parent?

625 replies

PorkyPINE1 · 24/06/2023 09:41

From reading here and my own experience, I am yet to really be able to name any upside to having stepchildren. Aside from obviously being with the man I want to be with, I feel like there isn't anything I can name about being a step parent that isn't hard work / a compromise / a positive experience.

Not looking for sympathy by the way, I obviously chose this situation. Just pondering after a read on here this morning!

OP posts:
Flamingogirl08 · 25/06/2023 21:23

aSofaNearYou · 25/06/2023 21:16

Yes with SC it's different to the love you have for your own children of course it is. Why the need to go to extremes to tell people how unimportant the step kids are.

Well, why do people often go out of their way to say that their love for their children is greater than any other love they feel, and choose to make the analogy of how they would let their partner die in a heartbeat to save their child? It's quite a common analogy to make in this context.

We will never agree because I've read your earlier posts and we have very different set ups in our families and our approach and attitudes to step children.

I think it's quite frankly bizarre to come on the Internet and make vile analogies about how much more important biological children are. I think it's odd to need to shout from the roof tops that step children aren't as high a priority as other children in the family.

You obviously have your own views on that so a back and forth is pointless.

aSofaNearYou · 25/06/2023 21:26

But would you consider it equally odd if somebody said it about their partner? I'm just saying, it is something people say and it's not generally received as though it's meant with malice.

As to why she posted - I imagine to gauge whether others feel the same, there isn't really a community of other people in the same position, it can be quite isolating.

Offwegotosleep · 25/06/2023 21:28

I love my step children. I think of it as something similar to being a foster parent. They aren’t mine but to do it well you have to love them. I don’t think you should be a step parent if you can’t come to love your step kids. It’s not fair on anyone.

MrsJHarker · 25/06/2023 21:31

Offwegotosleep · 25/06/2023 21:28

I love my step children. I think of it as something similar to being a foster parent. They aren’t mine but to do it well you have to love them. I don’t think you should be a step parent if you can’t come to love your step kids. It’s not fair on anyone.

I agree.

Why are woman glad to marry but not treat DH'S kids as the package? Desperate to be wed and uncaring.

Hippydippydipchip · 25/06/2023 21:34

Offwegotosleep · 25/06/2023 21:28

I love my step children. I think of it as something similar to being a foster parent. They aren’t mine but to do it well you have to love them. I don’t think you should be a step parent if you can’t come to love your step kids. It’s not fair on anyone.

How would You know if you could learn to love them though if you have never been a step mum before so no idea that the work it takes….

Some will go in thinking they will learn to love them and then find out that actually it’s a joyless task when you have them and it will never happen.

By then…. It’s too late.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/06/2023 21:39

Anxioys · 24/06/2023 10:25

There's a reason why the wicked stepmother is used in fairy tales to terrify children, imo. This dislike goes right back to Cinderella.

Children absolutely know it's not real. Give them some credit.

The wicked stepmother is proxy for the wicked mother, stepmother being easier to portray as evil. One interpretation of Snow White is the mother being jealous when she is ageing and her daughter is becoming the lady of the house.

Hippydippydipchip · 25/06/2023 21:46

MrsJHarker · 25/06/2023 20:20

Grown women saying poor me, the children were there before you. I've not got everything right in my life but I'm a good stepmum.

I haven’t got everything right in life either and I’m a average step mum at best but I’m a great mum to my kids and that’s the bit that counts.

Ireallywantsomechips · 25/06/2023 21:53

My own SD had a clear disdain for me from day 1. A man who had no interest in having or being near children decided to marry a woman who had one? I spent my entire childhood never feeling safe in my own home. It just blows my mind, why didn’t he just find someone else without children?

From the other side, now I’m a parent myself, I also cannot fathom why my mother decided to marry a man who clearly dislikes her child.
I agree with pps saying they wouldn’t “subject” there children to a stepparent.

I had a lovely stepmum for a brief period though and I like to think she saw lots of positives to being one, she didn’t have any children and seemed to love doing girly mother daughter things with me. I think fondly of her and hope she does me!

3BSHKATS · 25/06/2023 22:47

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Hippydippydipchip · 25/06/2023 22:53

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Nah, just honest.

CleverLilViper · 25/06/2023 22:57

I would never get in a relationship with a man who had kids. Just nope. I don’t want my own and sure as shit don’t want anyone else’s.

From what I’ve seen being a step parent is really tough. Especially as step mother. It seems like you’re expected to love and care for the child like they’re your own but when it comes to making decisions you’re to back off and it’s nothing to do with you.

Of course that’s not for every situation but what little I’ve seen that seems to be a common set up. Not to mention if the ex is a problem.

All round it just seems difficult. I think there are situations that work and work well but equally there are those that don’t. It’s not unusual to not feel the same about SC as your own DC I imagine.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/06/2023 23:01

Tandora · 24/06/2023 09:57

I am both surprised and disgusted you would say such a thing, yes.

Show quote history

I found it a bit chilling tbh as someone whose children have a step mother. And I consider myself quite laid back and realistic about the situation- I don’t expect anything from her, but I would hope she wouldn’t leave my kids to burn to death!

Obviously their father should save them first and foremost but it’s a bit of a horrifying statement, even if not meant 100% literally.

firsttimemum1230 · 25/06/2023 23:09

Being honest my childs dad has a 10 year old and I can’t wait for these next few years of being older coming along so my child’s dad has to change his ways and loose the full
grip that he has. Id also say it’s hard to love being a step parent if your not valued or respected by your partner in that situation or the child and the other child’s mum even though you’ve given it your everything.
id never do it again.

lap90 · 25/06/2023 23:40

I agree OP which is why those with kids are a hard pass for some.

What did you imagine being a step parent would be like?

While nobody likes it to be said that they knew what they were getting into, one thing is for sure, dealing with kids who are not your own was never going to be sunshine and rainbows. A quick look at threads on the topic can tell you that.

mrsplum2015 · 25/06/2023 23:58

I still don't understand the feeling that there is some kind of excuse around people not knowing what they are getting into.

Where children are involved you have to be 100 percent sure that you are able to manage that part of the relationship before moving in.

If my partner struggled with my dc I would never have allowed him to move in. Fortunately he thinks they are amazing, as do I his boys, and that's why the relationship works.

StayLiquid · 26/06/2023 00:06

I don't particularly enjoy being a stepparent either. My own children are adults now but my stepchild is still young. I just don't have the will or energy to be around young children anymore.

Also, my stepson and his mother (lies and false allegations from both) have caused so much crap in my life that there's no chance I would ever go through all this again.

I tend to leave husband to it with his son and I don't really get involved.

Betterlatethanontime · 26/06/2023 00:42

MrsJHarker · 25/06/2023 09:24

I wonder if the women who can't love their SC is because they came from their DH's being intimate with another woman. Insecure and pathetic.

It’s usually the added mental and physical load.

SnowFir · 26/06/2023 01:05

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 25/06/2023 23:01

I found it a bit chilling tbh as someone whose children have a step mother. And I consider myself quite laid back and realistic about the situation- I don’t expect anything from her, but I would hope she wouldn’t leave my kids to burn to death!

Obviously their father should save them first and foremost but it’s a bit of a horrifying statement, even if not meant 100% literally.

Show quote history

I think they mean if it was a choice between saving their own kids or their step kids. If they were able to save step dc too I'm sure they would.

Offwegotosleep · 26/06/2023 01:20

Hippydippydipchip · 25/06/2023 21:34

How would You know if you could learn to love them though if you have never been a step mum before so no idea that the work it takes….

Some will go in thinking they will learn to love them and then find out that actually it’s a joyless task when you have them and it will never happen.

By then…. It’s too late.

Show quote history

I can understand that you might early on in the relationship be testing the waters, but moving in/getting married shouldn’t be happening when you don’t love your step kids. You should know the kids really well by this point.

If you really love the guy and can’t love the kids at least have the decency to remain in separate homes with separate parenting and give your step kids space with their dad.

autieawesome · 26/06/2023 04:02

I get that every blended family is Duffey. Depending on at what point in the child's lives you got together, how involved the ex partner is, how amicable things are, how well the child coped with the split.

But I do strongly feel if you choose to be a step parent you need to be 100% in. If you and your partner can not create a loving family where all children are equally loved then you should do the decent thing and walk away.

autieawesome · 26/06/2023 04:03

*different

Jazzappledelish · 26/06/2023 05:29

autieawesome · 25/06/2023 21:17

@Jazzappledelish

I read your post and felt quite sad that you dont believe a step parent can love a child as much as their own.
I met dh when my girls were 4 and 6. Their dad saw them regularly but had no involvement or contribution in their day to day life. (His choice) We started slow with meeting the kids and he moved in after about two years. He didn't have children of his own so it was a big adjustment being a family of four.
I asked dh to describe the development of his relationship with dds. He said it took time for their relationship to develop but over time he went from feeling like a friend of the family to a parental figure to their dad. We had our own ds about ten years later and he loves our son to bits. But while he expected to feel differently to how he feels about our daughters, he described it as more of the same feeling of love. Maybe because he had been raising our daughters for ten years by then.
They get on great with their dad and theirs no bad feeling between anyone but they know dh is their dad in every sense of the word. And dh loves all three of our children. (His words)

A lot of words outlining why you disagree and find it sad that I think SP can’t love their SC as much as their own.

but ALL your words about love are about how you imagine your DH feels about his SC!!

ultimately - you are imagining your DH loves your children as much as you. Which is plainly daft. You can’t possibly know that.

and time and time again on this very thread -any posters have said that they do love their SC very much but yes - not as they love their own child

3LittleFishes · 26/06/2023 06:29

So many posters explaining that they met their partner when the sc were early primary school age or younger saying they love the sc as much as their own....Well yes, little children are cute and easier to bond with. They also tend to bond more with the nice lady that daddy knows as she gets them their favourite ice cream at the weekend etc.
Mine were early/mid teens when I started dating their father, by the time I had my first child the eldest was almost an adult. I don't understand why people would expect me to love them, especially not like the baby I had just given birth to!

Original poster
PorkyPINE1 · 26/06/2023 06:39

SnowFir · 26/06/2023 01:05

I think they mean if it was a choice between saving their own kids or their step kids. If they were able to save step dc too I'm sure they would.

Show quote history

Well yes that is what I thought was being implied by the poster who originally brought up that scenario and that is what I responded agreeing with.

If it were a case of you can only get to one then it would have to be my children for me and I don't think that makes me evil, it wouldn't even be a choice. I think that just makes me human. I'm not routinely leaving children to burn to death though so I think I'm fine.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 26/06/2023 06:54

I think people should be a lot more sensible about blending their families.

I'm a lone parent, my partner is a co-parent. We have been in a relationship for 6 years and next year we will be moving in together because his son is off to university in September, next year my DD will be 15.

Blending families too early is a PITA on so many different levels.