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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that SIL DD hurt my child.

181 replies

Mamabird2022 · 23/06/2023 15:10

backstory SIL has one child we will call DD1. DD1 is 2 years old, SIL treats DD1 like her best friend. There is no discipline at home which she openly admits too and says it’s her child so her choice. MIL has DD1 over once a week to visit and once every two weeks overnight. DD1 hits other children often which is why SIL stopped taking her to playgroups and instead takes her places where she can play mostly on her own.
Myself and DH have one child also who we will call DD2. DD2 is 9 months old. We visit MIL once a week and don’t allow DD2 to sleepover yet.

i was at my MIL house with my DH and DD1 was there on her fortnightly overnight stay when we arrived. We all were watching tv chatting and I was playing with DD1 while MIL spent time with DD2. My DH went to collect something for MIL at the post office and MIL had went upstairs. DD2 was sat on the floor watching tv and was playing with her toys that we had brought from home. DD1 was playing in the garden. A few minutes later DD1 comes into the livingroom where DD2 was sat playing and DD1 bends down as if she was going to give DD2 a kiss but puts her hand on her head and pushes her which caused DD2 to fall backwards and hit her head on the hardwood floor. I immediately picked my daughter up who was crying while DD1 was laughing. I shouted at her but she continued to laugh. MIL rushes down the stairs and after I told her what happened she put DD1 on the naughty step. DD1 kept getting up off the step wanting to play outside however MIL was firm with her and kept putting her back. The whole time DD2 was crying DD1 was laughing. About 20 minutes later my DH was sat on the sofa with DD2 when DD1 comes over to them. She took DD2 dummy from her so DH asked for it back as she had her own. DD1 then punched DD2 in the stomach and then began laughing again. DH told DD1 off and then moved her away from DD2. MIL was upset that DD1 was acting like this as she has never had any issues with DD2 before. We left shortly after as I was upset that my child was hurt not once but twice from a child who thought it was funny however SIL is now being funny with us because we told her child off for hitting ours. AIBU for acting the way I did?
edit the garden is completely enclosed and I could see DD1 out the window the whole time she was in the garden.
we all spent time with both children equally so it wasn’t like DD1 was left out while DD2 was there

OP posts:
DataNotLore · 23/06/2023 15:12

You're all batshit, falling out over baby behaviour.

Rainrainstayawaytilseptember · 23/06/2023 15:13

She is 2...
Nowt else to add really.

Original poster
Mamabird2022 · 23/06/2023 15:15

DataNotLore · 23/06/2023 15:12

You're all batshit, falling out over baby behaviour.

I haven’t fell out with anyone. Myself and my SIL were very good friends before this happened and now she won’t speak to me at all or allow our children to be around each other. She purposely grabbed her child and left my MIL house yesterday because me and my daughter arrived

OP posts:
icanflysometimes · 23/06/2023 15:15

Don't visit at the same time.

We had a similar issue. Very different parenting styles!

TeenagersAngst · 23/06/2023 15:16

You are being a bit PFB. I'm not excusing DD1 behaviour or the fact your SIL doesn't have many rules at home but she is 2 and she's learning social skills. You and MIL did the right thing in removing her and telling her not to do it. The continued laughing sounds a bit odd, most 2 year olds lose interest pretty quickly. But I think you just need to detach emotionally. It won't be long before your DD is doing similar things.

Marblessolveeverything · 23/06/2023 15:16

So DD1 is 2 years old? then no one should be leaving them unsupervised with a 9 month old - I know you are saying you could see her but you need to be physically between them at that stage!

A 2 year old has very little comprehension about cause and effect they are only a baby themselves. The adults need to step up and supervise and be physically present at this age.

Hence a lot of parents with children these ages end up bringing one of them to the toilet with them.

SeulementUneFois · 23/06/2023 15:16

You have to protect your child so don't visit when her daughter is there

BoohooWoohoo · 23/06/2023 15:17

She is 2!!! This is what they are like regardless of whether or not there's any (sibling) rivalry. You will look back on your post in a couple of years and cringe

Florencenotflo · 23/06/2023 15:17

She's 2. She'll behave however she wants regardless of how she's 'disciplined' at home.

For what it's worth, you sound quite judgemental of SIL's parenting style. Like yours is better. But they are just kids.

I have 2 DD's, both parented the same, but they behave completely differently. I think you're making it into a bit of an issue, but maybe just be more vigilant and stay with your dd as much as you can when she's with her cousin.

pandarific · 23/06/2023 15:19

Some two year olds will hit, some won’t.

BOTH of mine have, (which is mortifying) despite actual boundaries and a lot of reading of the books ‘hands are not for hitting’ and ‘teeth are not for biting’. SIL should absolutely be apologising and doing her best to reinforce those messages, but I’d avoid thinking it’s only a lax parenting thing, as sometimes 2 yos do just do that

Changes17 · 23/06/2023 15:19

Hmm, when I read this I thought they were much older. You can’t rely on a 2yo to do anything - they are too young to understand. Discipline would be keeping on gently reminding them that we don’t hit. Really your priority here is to keep your 9mo safe - and in this case it sounds as if that means beyond reach. Or at least be close enough to stop her getting hit.

Original poster
Mamabird2022 · 23/06/2023 15:19

Marblessolveeverything · 23/06/2023 15:16

So DD1 is 2 years old? then no one should be leaving them unsupervised with a 9 month old - I know you are saying you could see her but you need to be physically between them at that stage!

A 2 year old has very little comprehension about cause and effect they are only a baby themselves. The adults need to step up and supervise and be physically present at this age.

Hence a lot of parents with children these ages end up bringing one of them to the toilet with them.

I was there with them. I was sat on the sofa where my daughter was on the floor playing and I could see DD1 out the window in the garden. MIL wasn’t even gone 5 minutes. I thought she was going in for a kiss which is why I did t do anything as DD1 regularly kisses her but this time she pushed her

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamabird2022 · 23/06/2023 15:20

BoohooWoohoo · 23/06/2023 15:17

She is 2!!! This is what they are like regardless of whether or not there's any (sibling) rivalry. You will look back on your post in a couple of years and cringe

I just wanted to know if my reaction was unreasonable as SIL thinks it was and has completely cut myself and my daughter off when we were previously very good friends

OP posts:
ManateeFair · 23/06/2023 15:21

YANBU to have told DD1 off for her behaviour towards your baby. Your SIL is being ridiculous.

People are correct that's it's not uncommon for a two-year-old to hit another child, but most people absolutely would tell them off for doing it because that's how they learn that it's not OK to hit people.

You are possibly overreacting a little bit to DD1's behaviour, but your SIL sounds insane if she is refusing to speak to you because her toddler got told off for clouting a baby.

pandarific · 23/06/2023 15:22

Oh also, the laughing thing - some little kids laugh when stressed or scared or upset. They know smiling and laughing = people happy and they want it to be all nice again. It took me ages to understand that but it makes sense when you think about it.

Original poster
Mamabird2022 · 23/06/2023 15:23

pandarific · 23/06/2023 15:19

Some two year olds will hit, some won’t.

BOTH of mine have, (which is mortifying) despite actual boundaries and a lot of reading of the books ‘hands are not for hitting’ and ‘teeth are not for biting’. SIL should absolutely be apologising and doing her best to reinforce those messages, but I’d avoid thinking it’s only a lax parenting thing, as sometimes 2 yos do just do that

I would never judge anyone’s parenting styles but I have witnessed DD1 behaviour and SIL just sits and watches her and most of the time laughs when she is biting or hitting people

OP posts:
RedRosette2023 · 23/06/2023 15:23

My DS4 used to push my DS2 so he would fall backwards all the time until he got robust enough that DS2 wouldn’t fall. It was his signature move, if he spotted him sat up he’d run over and push his head. It was anxiety inducing and I had to have eyes on the back of my head. It’s all evened out now they’re bigger. I never left them unattended and closely supervised them. I only recently stopped taking DS2 to the toilet with me etc.

I leave them unattended for short bursts now, to brush my teeth etc but still pick my moments.

My DS4 is an Angel at childcare!

Anyway, my point is this is normal. I’d be annoyed at not being able to discipline. Although again, I think expecting a decent spell on the naughty step at 2 is ambitious.

JobzaGoodun · 23/06/2023 15:24

People have different parenting styles, and that's okay. You yourselves let your daughter get hurt not once, but twice, in the same visit- some people might raise an eyebrow at that and consider you both a bit lax perhaps.
The fact is your dealing with small kids, and these things happen. Until both are a bit older and know better, just make sure you are there to intervene.

Wassa123 · 23/06/2023 15:24

YABU for expecting a 2 year old to act differently, YANBU for telling her child off.

Original poster
Mamabird2022 · 23/06/2023 15:27

JobzaGoodun · 23/06/2023 15:24

People have different parenting styles, and that's okay. You yourselves let your daughter get hurt not once, but twice, in the same visit- some people might raise an eyebrow at that and consider you both a bit lax perhaps.
The fact is your dealing with small kids, and these things happen. Until both are a bit older and know better, just make sure you are there to intervene.

@JobzaGoodun i do just want to say that both children were in my eyesight as I was sat in the sofa and my child was on the floor close to me. DD1 bent down which looked like she was going for a kiss which she does quite often then she pushed her. It was too fast for me to catch my child. The second time it happened my husband was sat with my daughter on his knee when DD1 came over and took her dummy. DD1 then punched my child in the stomach. Both of these things have never happened when they have been together and my child is always watched.

OP posts:
JobzaGoodun · 23/06/2023 15:29

Mamabird2022 · 23/06/2023 15:27

@JobzaGoodun i do just want to say that both children were in my eyesight as I was sat in the sofa and my child was on the floor close to me. DD1 bent down which looked like she was going for a kiss which she does quite often then she pushed her. It was too fast for me to catch my child. The second time it happened my husband was sat with my daughter on his knee when DD1 came over and took her dummy. DD1 then punched my child in the stomach. Both of these things have never happened when they have been together and my child is always watched.

Show quote history

Yeah but you know your niece bites and hits people, so maybe intervene before she 'looks like' she's going in for a kiss, or is able to steal a dummy?

Saschka · 23/06/2023 15:29

Marblessolveeverything · 23/06/2023 15:16

So DD1 is 2 years old? then no one should be leaving them unsupervised with a 9 month old - I know you are saying you could see her but you need to be physically between them at that stage!

A 2 year old has very little comprehension about cause and effect they are only a baby themselves. The adults need to step up and supervise and be physically present at this age.

Hence a lot of parents with children these ages end up bringing one of them to the toilet with them.

This. Honestly OP, you are all being unreasonable for expecting anything else of a two year old, and for not supervising closely enough. None of this has anything to do with your SIL treating your niece “like her best friend”.

Please pop back and update us in 18 months when your PFB is the Nursery Biter, despite your exemplary parenting. Two year olds knocking things over to see what happens is normal, and they don’t understand that a baby is different.

Original poster
Mamabird2022 · 23/06/2023 15:29

I do just want to say that I’m not judging her for the way she is raising her child but I have witnessed her laughing at her child when she breaks things or when she hits other children. She will openly tell us that she doesn’t tell her child off for anything. She never tells her child no and she says that it’s her child so she can do what she wants which is completely fine. I just wanted to know if I was unreasonable for shouting at 2 year old and SIL then refusing to talk to me or allow our children to be at MIL house at the same time. Before this happened we were very good friends

OP posts:
DataNotLore · 23/06/2023 15:33

Mamabird2022 · 23/06/2023 15:29

I do just want to say that I’m not judging her for the way she is raising her child but I have witnessed her laughing at her child when she breaks things or when she hits other children. She will openly tell us that she doesn’t tell her child off for anything. She never tells her child no and she says that it’s her child so she can do what she wants which is completely fine. I just wanted to know if I was unreasonable for shouting at 2 year old and SIL then refusing to talk to me or allow our children to be at MIL house at the same time. Before this happened we were very good friends

You clearly are.

Two year olds are self-propelled babies, with all the understanding and risk perception, of a baby.

ButImNotOldEnough · 23/06/2023 15:33

I would have told DD1 off as well, and I don’t think you were unreasonable to do so. Your SIL is being batshit by falling out with you over this, and if she laughs when DD1 is hitting people this is why DD1 is laughing when she does it too. It is a learned behaviour and that poor child is learning that violence is good and funny.