To be annoyed that SIL DD hurt my child.

[Mamabird2022]

backstory SIL has one child we will call DD1. DD1 is 2 years old, SIL treats DD1 like her best friend. There is no discipline at home which she openly admits too and says it’s her child so her choice. MIL has DD1 over once a week to visit and once every two weeks overnight. DD1 hits other children often which is why SIL stopped taking her to playgroups and instead takes her places where she can play mostly on her own.
Myself and DH have one child also who we will call DD2. DD2 is 9 months old. We visit MIL once a week and don’t allow DD2 to sleepover yet.

i was at my MIL house with my DH and DD1 was there on her fortnightly overnight stay when we arrived. We all were watching tv chatting and I was playing with DD1 while MIL spent time with DD2. My DH went to collect something for MIL at the post office and MIL had went upstairs. DD2 was sat on the floor watching tv and was playing with her toys that we had brought from home. DD1 was playing in the garden. A few minutes later DD1 comes into the livingroom where DD2 was sat playing and DD1 bends down as if she was going to give DD2 a kiss but puts her hand on her head and pushes her which caused DD2 to fall backwards and hit her head on the hardwood floor. I immediately picked my daughter up who was crying while DD1 was laughing. I shouted at her but she continued to laugh. MIL rushes down the stairs and after I told her what happened she put DD1 on the naughty step. DD1 kept getting up off the step wanting to play outside however MIL was firm with her and kept putting her back. The whole time DD2 was crying DD1 was laughing. About 20 minutes later my DH was sat on the sofa with DD2 when DD1 comes over to them. She took DD2 dummy from her so DH asked for it back as she had her own. DD1 then punched DD2 in the stomach and then began laughing again. DH told DD1 off and then moved her away from DD2. MIL was upset that DD1 was acting like this as she has never had any issues with DD2 before. We left shortly after as I was upset that my child was hurt not once but twice from a child who thought it was funny however SIL is now being funny with us because we told her child off for hitting ours. AIBU for acting the way I did?
edit the garden is completely enclosed and I could see DD1 out the window the whole time she was in the garden.
we all spent time with both children equally so it wasn’t like DD1 was left out while DD2 was there

This is not DD1 fault
She is 2 yrs old and 2yr old do this stuff, they cannot regulate behaviour or emotion.
But obviously it's natural to be upset (if they were siblings you would understand both sides)
So your SIL is completely out of order. She needs to recognise that telling a 2yr old off, is not about blame or shame but teaching them right from wrong for the future.

You are going to be so monumentally embarrassed when your daughter is 2 and you realise the reality of it. You seem like a really awful person. Telling at a little 2year old because you weren't watching your own daughter properly. Who does that? Good grief.

Irrelevant. SIL wasn't there, never mind not being in charge at the time. We've no idea what interpretations might be put on her having a quiet discussion rather than "punishment", so aren't able to comment on that.

This!

Children learn by example so you and SIL talking and making up would be a good one.

This is just opinion, not fact. I think it's fine to raise your voice to a 2 year old as long as its a brief raise (their name or "stop" not a big rant) and the naughty step works fine for lots of children that age if you're consistent and don't use it for every little thing (maybe your kids just weren't that bright?)

Why on earth did you let this child anywhere near yours? It is madness.

And like I have said when my daughter is that age and has this behaviour I would apologise for my child’s behaviour not cutting people off because my daughter was told off for her behaviour. I can assure you that I was watching my child properly. Like I said these things happen. The point was my SIL has now cut me and my daughter off after years of friendship all because I shouted her name… but yet she is completely fine with my DH telling her child off and her MIL putting her on the naughty step…

Yeah OP it’s probs not because you shouted her name, you seem to be going on and on repeating the same points in this thread and I imagine you’ve been a bit like that in real life too.

@Mamabird2022 I completely agree with you. I would have reacted the same as you did. My two boys never hit or bit another child, but they were on the receiving end of it a few times at nursery. It's very upsetting.

I can't be doing with your SILs "parenting" style. I had a friend like that who never used the word "no". Her children were very badly behaved and were not pleasant to be around.

Can you imagine if it was the other way around?

Only repeating myself because people are making out like I scolded the child when all I did was shout her name.

So, your niece is:

• 2 years old
• hasn't experienced much/any socialising in the last few months due to her own poor behaviour
• isn't disciplined (even if only verbally) for said poor behaviour

Do I have that right?

Sadly, if it walks like a small child who'll grow into a bully, punches/pushes more vulnerable children to the point where they're left crying and laughs about it like a bully, then it's a small child whose entire future hinges on the fact that their parents need to step up and... well; fucking parent them to prevent them from becoming a bully! It's not rocket science.

Your SIL is being off with you, because she knows you're already a better parent than she is. And yes, your niece is 2 and she's undoubtedly jealous of the fact that she's no longer the be-all of her Granny's universe – she's expected to share attention with a 9 month old... But thousands of families have a 2 year old and a 9 month old quite successfully not hurting one another. Your MIL is trying to un-do her daughter's excuse for parenting in one overnight visit every fortnight. It won't work in the long run. Your SIL has already proven her track record for running away from having to parent her own child, by leaving toddler groups (which are hell on earth, in an of themselves!) whenever your niece has hit/pushed/bitten other babies. Why do you expect her not to do this when it comes to your child(ren)? NT children need to be socialised as well as having firm boundaries – for their own happiness, if nothing else. It makes them feel secure and confident in their own place in the world – which might not seem very important when they're 9 months old, or 2 years old... but trust me, will make all the difference when they're teenagers and older!

Jealous kids play up. Act out. Of course they do – there's 8 years between my oldest and my youngest, and she used to hurt him, to make him cry/lash out at her, so that she could cry and get sympathy directed at herself. It's genuinely in how you deal with it. They're not siblings, OP, so you have the option to state the boundaries you expect to be upheld by everyone around your child – no hitting, no pushing, no biting (because that'll probably be the escalation) – and stick to them... but to a 2 year old, ANY attention is good attention.

@ILoveMyCaravan DD1 went to a childminder twice a week and SIL pulled her out to go to a private nursery because another child had hit hers but yet I was unreasonable for shouting her name.

Irrelevant. SIL wasn't there, never mind not being in charge at the time. We've no idea what interpretations might be put on her having a quiet discussion rather than "punishment", so aren't able to comment on that.

I'm not sure I understand this comment. OP says she laughs when she sees her DD hitting other children and has specifically said to them that she never tells her off for anything.

A woman that would sit there and laugh while her child hurts other children is not the kind of person that deserves an apology when her own child has to hear her own name in a harsh tone.

Completely understandable reaction.
I frequently got upset whenever my kids were hurt. A toddler stamped on my babies head at my first ever playgroup session, I picked her up and left in tears. It wasn't his fault, or his mums fault,or my fault. But I still felt awful.

No not unreasonable
Parents can choose not to discipline their children if they wish, but they can't then leave them in the care of others and expect those people not to try and deal with behaviour.
You were effectively in charge of both children, she should respect how you dealt with what was clear6not acceptable behaviour.

I wouldn’t be happy with an adult person shouting at my 2 year old. She acted like a normal 2 year old. You do understand that shouting is a form of emotional violence/ abuse? It can be extremely frightening to a child that young to be shouted at by an adult - especially one they are not super close to. The person who needs to apologise here is absolutely you. You are culpable for your behaviour; the same cannot be said of your two year old niece.

Who told SIL about what happened. Clearly something has upset her but it isn't clear who has told her what or what she is upset about or if she has really cut you off.

I think you have your answer then. Nothing you can do until she realises that she's been unreasonable in her reaction to you.

SIL's DD. Your kids cousin.

Get used to it. They're babies.

@Tandora me and DD1 are actually close. While I was pregnant I had her twice a week while SIL went to work. I have had her at weekends with my daughter when she was born and she has never acted like this before around my daughter. This is the first time anything like this has happened between them.

@Freefall212 my MIL told her about the incident and MIL said SIL started yelling at her about me shouting her name as she doesn’t raise her voice to her child so no one else should.

I would let it go. Don't ruin your relationship with SIL.
Your kids are cousins and will be laughing over this one day. They are both so small and behaving the way little kids do.
Don't sweat this stuff even it's annoying, it will pass.

You asked if you were UR. You are. No war should you be shouting at a 2 yo who is doing normal - if challenging - 2 yo things.

Your MIL is also UR for putting a 2 yo on the naughty step for 3 mins (putting any child on a naughty step is UR, in my opinion).

As for her SIL parenting style, none of your business.

So she can shout at your MIL? Pot kettle for her!

Clearly I'm in the minority but I don't think you're being unreasonable. She needs to discipline her child even if she is 2! It's clear she's unruly if she can't even take her to soft play. I think you are completely in the right and I would have done the exact same. Stand your ground with her, she needs to give her head a wobble.

DD1.