To be annoyed that SIL DD hurt my child.

[Mamabird2022]

backstory SIL has one child we will call DD1. DD1 is 2 years old, SIL treats DD1 like her best friend. There is no discipline at home which she openly admits too and says it’s her child so her choice. MIL has DD1 over once a week to visit and once every two weeks overnight. DD1 hits other children often which is why SIL stopped taking her to playgroups and instead takes her places where she can play mostly on her own.
Myself and DH have one child also who we will call DD2. DD2 is 9 months old. We visit MIL once a week and don’t allow DD2 to sleepover yet.

i was at my MIL house with my DH and DD1 was there on her fortnightly overnight stay when we arrived. We all were watching tv chatting and I was playing with DD1 while MIL spent time with DD2. My DH went to collect something for MIL at the post office and MIL had went upstairs. DD2 was sat on the floor watching tv and was playing with her toys that we had brought from home. DD1 was playing in the garden. A few minutes later DD1 comes into the livingroom where DD2 was sat playing and DD1 bends down as if she was going to give DD2 a kiss but puts her hand on her head and pushes her which caused DD2 to fall backwards and hit her head on the hardwood floor. I immediately picked my daughter up who was crying while DD1 was laughing. I shouted at her but she continued to laugh. MIL rushes down the stairs and after I told her what happened she put DD1 on the naughty step. DD1 kept getting up off the step wanting to play outside however MIL was firm with her and kept putting her back. The whole time DD2 was crying DD1 was laughing. About 20 minutes later my DH was sat on the sofa with DD2 when DD1 comes over to them. She took DD2 dummy from her so DH asked for it back as she had her own. DD1 then punched DD2 in the stomach and then began laughing again. DH told DD1 off and then moved her away from DD2. MIL was upset that DD1 was acting like this as she has never had any issues with DD2 before. We left shortly after as I was upset that my child was hurt not once but twice from a child who thought it was funny however SIL is now being funny with us because we told her child off for hitting ours. AIBU for acting the way I did?
edit the garden is completely enclosed and I could see DD1 out the window the whole time she was in the garden.
we all spent time with both children equally so it wasn’t like DD1 was left out while DD2 was there

But it was alright for SIL to yell at MIL?!

@jazzybelle hes currently in prison for beating his ex girlfriend

Different parenting styles? Erm no… SIL just isn’t doing any parenting! Sure 2 year olds can hit and do naughty things, but she should be being corrected EVERY SINGLE TIME (and not only by her aunt and grandmother). School will be a rude awakening in a few years time. SIL will be ‘that parent’ that the teachers roll their eyes about in the staff room.

OP also says she was supervising tiny kids by resting on the sofa with tea and leaving one in the garden, and that this child is horrendously violent consistently yet has never touched her DD before. With us not being there, we have no reliable witnesses.

MIL always does a minute for how old and an extra minute for reflection.

Two year olds aren’t capable of reflection, they have very immature cognitive processes. Time out can be helpful in diffusing a situation but from a discipline of toddlers point of view it’s pretty pointless. You speak as if the toddler deliberately hit your child with intention to hurt - which is too complex a thought process at that age. All in all the whole situation wasn’t well handled by the sounds of it.

I can understand you shouting from a place of fright, but I’d have apologised to the toddlers mum and explained you were caught off guard.

Your sil is ridiculous in her reaction OP.

She's going to be 'that parent ' at school.

I actually feel sorry for her child with no firm boundaries in place.

Just ignore the sil tantrum and visit your mil as usual.

Unfortunately I agree with you this gentle parenting style is getting very old and not very productive.

I had a DN exactly the same, mum didn’t do
anything was very pro gentle parenting etc and as soon as school started it got very bad very quickly.

do not get me wrong I don’t condone shouting at a 2 year old, but some form of correction is certainly needed.

As she gets older it will go one of two ways.

1. she will meet her match and your sil will not like that.

2. she will THAT kid who nobody likes who gets that stigma.

and sadly because of the lack of parenting it won’t be her fault.

SIL needs a huge wake up call.

Absolutely agree with this!

YABVU. You don’t shout at s 2 year old. And you don’t put one on the naughty step. It’s a barbaric punishment and a two year old wouldn’t have a clue what it’s all about.

Ridiculous.

Gentle parenting and permissive parenting are not the same and yet they are so often confused. They’re not the same.

This therefore means that your DD should be quite safe and not end up being the punchbag of her cousin.
So, the cousins won't be in each other's company until they get older. Not a big deal.

I honestly can’t see the problem here.

SIL is withdrawing the child with violent tendencies. It’s a good outcome surely?

She's 2....
Wait til PFB is 2

Regardless, it’s not ok to shout at her. You are not her mother (not that that would make it ok either) . If your MIL told SIL you yelled at her two year old, I’m not surprised SIL is upset. I would be too.
You . Need. To . Apologise.

YANBU

I just can’t get over you describing a two year old as if they’re Anthony Joshua - saying she punched with closed fists, what? She’s 2!

Clearly SIL’s parenting is substandard but your account is so emotional that I do suspect you’ve overreacted and that’s why your SIL is upset.

@Tandora Shouting is a subjective issue, it's not accepted as standard that people should not do it. I'd shout at my own child in similar circumstances, and so would her nursery staff, and I'd not expect an apology from them. You can't go around expecting everyone to apologise for raising their voice to your child as if it's the same as hitting them - it's just not realistic. The majority of people do not think a raised voice is out of line.

@fitzwilliamdarcy as you can probably see from the reply’s someone asked if she actually punched her.. I was just describing what happened… yes the 2 year old had a closed fist when she punched my daughter. The question was was I being unreasonable. I shouted her name and now my SIL has cut is off because “I don’t raise my voice at my child so no one should” however was fine with my DH telling her child off and also fine with her mother putting her child on the naughty step

@DixonD i shouted her name after she pushed my child over.. I was not screaming at her and the naughty step is very common practice in my MIL house. She’s see it with all her children and she now uses it with her grandchildren and other children in the family who visit her house. SIL has no issue with MIL putting her child on the naughty step and no issue with my DH telling her child off but has an issue because I shouted her child’s name

@Mamabird2022 can you explain why this situation is problematic for you?

Your SIL won’t be bringing the child who hurt your baby to any event you are at. Most of us would be relieved.

Yeah but she’s 2. Being “punched” by a 2 year old - closed fists or not - is not like being punched by an adult. It just comes across as needlessly dramatic.

Clearly your SIL has reacted in an extreme way and maybe there’s some beef between the two of you for some reason, but you’re not an objective party. I do wonder if your dramatic attitude might’ve set off a dramatic response in turn.

Basically everyone in this scenario needs to calm down.

@Mamabird2022 I’m actually really amused but scared by some of these responses.

NO I don’t think you did wrong by raising your voice to a toddler who punched a nine month old I’m concerned how she learnt and knew how to do this.

of course at two gentle correction is appropriate.

or she’s going to grow up to be that kid everyone but mummy dislikes.

were you being unreasonable?
I don’t think so

She's only 2, she was disciplined for pushing her over etc. Yabu to get this worked up over it. Your little one will at some point be the child who will hit and push while learning that it's not acceptable.

She’s two and you are being ridiculous… her impulse control and ability to put herself in other people’s shoes is very limited because she is incredibly young.

Some toddlers hit, others don’t but it’s not out of the ordinary. I have a group of mum friends. Two out of eight have gone through a hitting stage so far (one of whom actually has the strictest mum in the group and the only one to entertain things like ‘the naughty step’). The rest of us just monitor our children so we can step in if needed and reassure our friends that their children will grow out of it.

Shouting at a two year old is unkind and unlikely to teach them anything (other than that shouting is an acceptable behaviour). I’d be furious in your SIL’s shoes.

…. Then it just sounds like she doesn’t really like you anymore. 🤷🏻‍♀️