To be annoyed that SIL DD hurt my child.

[Mamabird2022]

backstory SIL has one child we will call DD1. DD1 is 2 years old, SIL treats DD1 like her best friend. There is no discipline at home which she openly admits too and says it’s her child so her choice. MIL has DD1 over once a week to visit and once every two weeks overnight. DD1 hits other children often which is why SIL stopped taking her to playgroups and instead takes her places where she can play mostly on her own.
Myself and DH have one child also who we will call DD2. DD2 is 9 months old. We visit MIL once a week and don’t allow DD2 to sleepover yet.

i was at my MIL house with my DH and DD1 was there on her fortnightly overnight stay when we arrived. We all were watching tv chatting and I was playing with DD1 while MIL spent time with DD2. My DH went to collect something for MIL at the post office and MIL had went upstairs. DD2 was sat on the floor watching tv and was playing with her toys that we had brought from home. DD1 was playing in the garden. A few minutes later DD1 comes into the livingroom where DD2 was sat playing and DD1 bends down as if she was going to give DD2 a kiss but puts her hand on her head and pushes her which caused DD2 to fall backwards and hit her head on the hardwood floor. I immediately picked my daughter up who was crying while DD1 was laughing. I shouted at her but she continued to laugh. MIL rushes down the stairs and after I told her what happened she put DD1 on the naughty step. DD1 kept getting up off the step wanting to play outside however MIL was firm with her and kept putting her back. The whole time DD2 was crying DD1 was laughing. About 20 minutes later my DH was sat on the sofa with DD2 when DD1 comes over to them. She took DD2 dummy from her so DH asked for it back as she had her own. DD1 then punched DD2 in the stomach and then began laughing again. DH told DD1 off and then moved her away from DD2. MIL was upset that DD1 was acting like this as she has never had any issues with DD2 before. We left shortly after as I was upset that my child was hurt not once but twice from a child who thought it was funny however SIL is now being funny with us because we told her child off for hitting ours. AIBU for acting the way I did?
edit the garden is completely enclosed and I could see DD1 out the window the whole time she was in the garden.
we all spent time with both children equally so it wasn’t like DD1 was left out while DD2 was there

I wasn’t scolding her. I shouted her name. Yes she actually punched her with a closed fist.

Also when your baby is 2 you’ll realise still how young they are at that age. When you have a baby toddlers look like big brutes, but once your baby is that age you realise that they are still babies too. So I can see why your SIL is upset that you shouted.

Yeah you shouldn't shout really and a naughty step is a completely pointless way to punish a 2 year old.

And you can add all the clarifications you like but you are judging SILs parenting but from a place of little experience regarding 2 year olds

I don't think you or your MIL did anything wrong in response to DD1's behaviour. It doesn't sound like you were screaming at her in a rage. A slightly raised, firm voice here and there happens in most homes with toddlers. I would say that using a naughty step is unlikely to work on a 2 year old but it's probably been a long time since MIL parented a 2 year old and you haven't - so I'd cut you both some slack in that respect.

Your SIL is being precious and her reaction is OTT. Cutting you off is very extreme. Her DD is going to be very lonely if she carries on this way.

Baffled at people saying this is normal on this thread. My DSis has a DD who is two and she would never hit or push my 8mo ever. Or anyone else's child for that matter. I don't think YABU for protecting your baby, OP, but I don't think shouting is perhaps the way to do it.

Also, I might play a drinking game where I have a drink every time OP says "I do just want to say"

In regards to SIL completely cutting you off, I do think that is completely over the top

Your sister in law is going to learn the hard way when all around her shun her child because of her terrible parenting. I think it's better to stay away from her and her child. So the child is only two. So what that doesn't make hitting ok and she'll never learn unless she is corrected

But in the OP, SIL was just 'being funny with us' so I wonder if there's a bit of reality stretching going on

2 is a baby and you will realise that when your dd is 2.

Edit I want to clarify that I was not screaming at DD1. I shouted her name as a reaction to her pushing my child. my MIL put her on the naughty step which is a common practice In her house with other children in the family. SIL Is now saying her and her child won’t be attending my daughters tea party at MIL house because of this incident and has completely cut me and my daughter off

Really? I've raised 3 kids well past the age of 2 and every single one of them has hit/bitten at some point. 2 year olds have very little impulse control, its developmentally normal for them to hit etc. Hence the name terrible twos.

Obviously you redirect, explain you don't hit and all of that stuff but its not an instant fix, they often needs lots of reminders and quick response from parents to prevent it in the first place.

Exactly.
It's fine when they are two and their tiny little fists are ineffectual but when they get to 8 and upwards, they'll find like my NDN did that nobody will invite the DC to a party or playdate because they are always beating up someone smaller while their DM looks on dotingly.

I mean it’s not just opinion, hitting is recognised as developmentally normal behaviour in toddlers.

You'd be very pissed very quickly

No reality stretching here. As said she was being funny with us. Within the time this post has been up my MIL has kindly passed on the message that SIL has refused to come to DD2 party in a couple months and has blocked me on all socials

YANBU - some of these responses are batshit.

Yes, toddlers hit and bite and don't listen - but that doesn't mean you just let them get away with it. You were perfectly okay to tell her off and your SIL is going to have a nasty shock when her DD goes to nursery and that behaviour is no longer tolerated.

OP if she's going to react like this whenever someone mildly tells her DD off, she's nuts. People are saying you are being PFB, well she's being far worse in that regard. Don't feel bad about it, there's no hope of having a friendship with somebody who acts like this about their kid.

Again, why is this a problem?

Your niece is probably scared of you now. She won't understand what happened.

'edit the garden is completely enclosed and I could see DD1 out the window the whole time she was in the garden.'

I didn't think MN had an edit function?

@DataNotLore If a child can't handle having their name shouted they will really struggle to get through life.

Why would she be scared?

OP didn't scream at her, she shouted her name to get her attention!

She’s 2. I’m sure that seems massive now while your baby is 9 months but 2 is also really young. Doesn’t sound like your SIL reaction is great but at 2 and at 9 months I’d expect adults to be on it before it even got to this stage, not just within eyeline.

SIL is being off with you but she is OK with MIL. Didn't MIL discipline her too?

What happens when she bites or hits other children? Don't their parents say something? Anyway, you say SIL takes DD1 to play on her own, so she can't do it that often.

What about the child's father? Where does he stand on this matter?

I don't think you've done anything wrong at all. They have to learn right from wrong and you have to protect your child.

Sounds like sil will be falling out with many people in future if this is how she goes on and her daughter's world is going to be very small if she avoids taking her places where there's other kids, cos she doesn't want to teach her hitting is wrong.

You weren't unreasonable.