To be annoyed that SIL DD hurt my child.

[Mamabird2022]

backstory SIL has one child we will call DD1. DD1 is 2 years old, SIL treats DD1 like her best friend. There is no discipline at home which she openly admits too and says it’s her child so her choice. MIL has DD1 over once a week to visit and once every two weeks overnight. DD1 hits other children often which is why SIL stopped taking her to playgroups and instead takes her places where she can play mostly on her own.
Myself and DH have one child also who we will call DD2. DD2 is 9 months old. We visit MIL once a week and don’t allow DD2 to sleepover yet.

i was at my MIL house with my DH and DD1 was there on her fortnightly overnight stay when we arrived. We all were watching tv chatting and I was playing with DD1 while MIL spent time with DD2. My DH went to collect something for MIL at the post office and MIL had went upstairs. DD2 was sat on the floor watching tv and was playing with her toys that we had brought from home. DD1 was playing in the garden. A few minutes later DD1 comes into the livingroom where DD2 was sat playing and DD1 bends down as if she was going to give DD2 a kiss but puts her hand on her head and pushes her which caused DD2 to fall backwards and hit her head on the hardwood floor. I immediately picked my daughter up who was crying while DD1 was laughing. I shouted at her but she continued to laugh. MIL rushes down the stairs and after I told her what happened she put DD1 on the naughty step. DD1 kept getting up off the step wanting to play outside however MIL was firm with her and kept putting her back. The whole time DD2 was crying DD1 was laughing. About 20 minutes later my DH was sat on the sofa with DD2 when DD1 comes over to them. She took DD2 dummy from her so DH asked for it back as she had her own. DD1 then punched DD2 in the stomach and then began laughing again. DH told DD1 off and then moved her away from DD2. MIL was upset that DD1 was acting like this as she has never had any issues with DD2 before. We left shortly after as I was upset that my child was hurt not once but twice from a child who thought it was funny however SIL is now being funny with us because we told her child off for hitting ours. AIBU for acting the way I did?
edit the garden is completely enclosed and I could see DD1 out the window the whole time she was in the garden.
we all spent time with both children equally so it wasn’t like DD1 was left out while DD2 was there

Your SIL needs to parent her child but you sound a bit hysterical. Your baby isn't made of glass and your niece is 2.

"I do just want to say that I’m not judging her for the way she is raising her child but I have witnessed her laughing at her child when she breaks things or when she hits other children"

You said in the first post that she had stopped taking her to playgroup and takes her to places where she can play on her own.

I’m wondering why SIL is only annoyed at you, you said DH also told off DD1 and MIL put her on the naughty step, but she’s fine about that?

@DataNotLore no, the problem is that she will openly say that she never tells her child no and let’s her do anything she wants which again she has told us but then completely cuts myself and my daughter off since this incident because her child was put on the naughty step and was told off for hitting another child.

Sorry just seen you shouted at her, shouting is never ok. Shouting is actively harmful, it’s also showing a child that it’s ok to lash out when angry or scared or upset. There is a difference between saying no don’t do that, that’s naughty and following through with a time out and shouting at a child in anger. They don’t understand the second one.

Mine was a biter and a hitter.

I've since seen him intervene in fights between others to defend people and generally stop it. He's now a proper little peacemaker.

I didn't get him to that stage by shouting at him or the naughty step. That shit doesn't work.

She's two, she wouldn't have intentionally hurt your dd, she wasn't laughing at hurting your dd she was laughing at the uproar that happened as a result. She did it again to get an encore. All attention is attention regardless as to whether it is positive or negative. You would have done far better by being calm and getting your niece to say sorry and help comfort your child the first time instead of all the drama as there would have been no incentive to repeat it. Your own dd will be two in time and will more than likely do something similar no matter how superior your parenting skills you believe you possess. I would give you a wide berth as well tbh because you seem to be demonising a toddler for what was pretty typical toddler behaviour.

She's 2.

A naughty step won't mean anything to her if they don't use it at home, so entirely pointless.

A 9 month old should have had something behind her sitting on a hardwood floor as they are known to fall backwards.

So, overall, YABU.

Yes she has started taking her places where she can play on her own. Me and SIL were good friends before this happened and we would go out regularly while I was pregnant where her child would hit other children and she would sit and laugh

@PixieLaLa because I shouted at her. I wasnt screaming at her or anything I just shouted her name this is when MIL came down and put her on the naughty step.

Your niece is still a baby herself, she's not going to understand why you got mad with her.

It sounds as if you and your sister in law have very different parenting styles, and I doubt you will be able to resume your close friendship now you both have children.

So she's avoiding you? Why is this a problem?

Not sure what you want her to do? Start shouting at her DD? What for? It doesn't work.

Edit I do just want to say I wasn’t screaming at DD1 I shouted her name which is when MIL came down. I’m not saying my child will never hit or bite or act out in just asking if I was being unreasonable as now SIL won’t talk to me and avoids myself and my daughter

Shouting at a 2 year old is pretty shitty, especially when the situation could have been easily avoided with a bit of forethought.

Sounds like you need to let this one go, and just avoid same time meet ups

We were very good friends before this incident and because her child was told off she has completely cut us off. My daughter is 1 in a few months and she has now told everyone that herself and her child will not be coming to her party because of this incident

I don’t think a short, sharp, shout of the name is really something to vilify. It’s a pretty natural reaction if you watch something like that unfold. Scolding is different. It doesn’t sound like that’s what OP did.

The thing is you do seem to be taking it very oddly. This is a toddler! Of course they will do all sorts of things if left alone for a split second. At that age (I had two close together, similar in age) I would never have left the two out of arms reach. It’s just about proper suspervision. A toddler isn’t going to instantly learn not to hurt a baby because they barely understand that they are a separate person. They have to be fully supervised. It sounds like the adults in this scenario didn’t supervise properly and now are acting like it’s a toddler’s fault.

YANBU. Yes she's 2 so it's not surprising, but there's nothing wrong with a sharp shout of the name in response to the behaviour. I don't think there's anything wrong with judging SIL's attitude about it, either.

@RedRosette2023 thats all I did I would never scold her for anything that’s just not who I am or what I’m like. It’s just the fact that this happened the ahold was told off and now SIL has completely cut us off when we were very good friends before

Toddlers are arseholes and you have to watch them like a hawk. Even the best behaved toddler can do ‘bad’ things sometimes. Because they’re still learning and, as I said, they’re arseholes. Try and relax a bit. Be more vigilant and pre-empt the behaviour.

I do just want to say that I was literally right there watching them while I was sat on the sofa. DD1 always wants to give DD2 a kiss which is usual for when they see each other. Same this time around. She bent down to give her a kiss and instead of kissing she pushed instead. It caught me off guard and didn’t move quickly enough to catch her

DD1 was being how some 2yo can be.

You all dealt with it as adults should

That's it

She’s 2. Shouting at her obviously didn’t achieve anything so I do agree with your Sil.

ok. Yabu. Dont shout at toddlers. -especially other peoples. also despite claiming non judgemental your critique re sil very much is,from the start of post.
Its understandable you get upset if youre child appears to be mistreated. THATS not what you described.They are all precious. Actual punched???
Sil has only heard the after events.Had she been there at the time it would make little difference. Shes probably quite miffed you seem to be demonising her kid.Yet think yell at thems ok.

Shes 2, they do hit etc. When they are 2.

You both sound very pfb. Wont be long until its yours doing the hitting when she's outgrown it. Honestly, you both need to chill out.