To be annoyed that SIL DD hurt my child.

[Mamabird2022]

backstory SIL has one child we will call DD1. DD1 is 2 years old, SIL treats DD1 like her best friend. There is no discipline at home which she openly admits too and says it’s her child so her choice. MIL has DD1 over once a week to visit and once every two weeks overnight. DD1 hits other children often which is why SIL stopped taking her to playgroups and instead takes her places where she can play mostly on her own.
Myself and DH have one child also who we will call DD2. DD2 is 9 months old. We visit MIL once a week and don’t allow DD2 to sleepover yet.

i was at my MIL house with my DH and DD1 was there on her fortnightly overnight stay when we arrived. We all were watching tv chatting and I was playing with DD1 while MIL spent time with DD2. My DH went to collect something for MIL at the post office and MIL had went upstairs. DD2 was sat on the floor watching tv and was playing with her toys that we had brought from home. DD1 was playing in the garden. A few minutes later DD1 comes into the livingroom where DD2 was sat playing and DD1 bends down as if she was going to give DD2 a kiss but puts her hand on her head and pushes her which caused DD2 to fall backwards and hit her head on the hardwood floor. I immediately picked my daughter up who was crying while DD1 was laughing. I shouted at her but she continued to laugh. MIL rushes down the stairs and after I told her what happened she put DD1 on the naughty step. DD1 kept getting up off the step wanting to play outside however MIL was firm with her and kept putting her back. The whole time DD2 was crying DD1 was laughing. About 20 minutes later my DH was sat on the sofa with DD2 when DD1 comes over to them. She took DD2 dummy from her so DH asked for it back as she had her own. DD1 then punched DD2 in the stomach and then began laughing again. DH told DD1 off and then moved her away from DD2. MIL was upset that DD1 was acting like this as she has never had any issues with DD2 before. We left shortly after as I was upset that my child was hurt not once but twice from a child who thought it was funny however SIL is now being funny with us because we told her child off for hitting ours. AIBU for acting the way I did?
edit the garden is completely enclosed and I could see DD1 out the window the whole time she was in the garden.
we all spent time with both children equally so it wasn’t like DD1 was left out while DD2 was there

Considering you've seen DD1 hit and bite before, I think it was silly not to join DD2 on the floor... but that's very easy to say with hindsight and I'm sure you would in future, if your SIL wasn't reacting the way she is!

I've definitely shouted a name, or "stop" when something dangerous occurs, that is a natural reaction. (When I first read "I just wanted to know if I was unreasonable for shouting at 2 year old" I was ready to say you absolutely were, but your additional explanation makes it sound like you didn't really shout at her in the way it comes across!)

It is actually your MIL I would have thought SIL might take issue with because a naughty step carries no meaning for a 2 year old!

@IamnotSethRogan .....i'm up for that....
apart from...yaaaawn..."i just want to clarify"generally doesnt mean retracting what youve already said op-but whataever....Can you just ask your (poor)Mil if she can join,(here)so we can get the perspective of the adult,upstairs . Please? I'm really starting to think youre leaving out vital information .
I'm glad she has the safety of being the issuer of the naughty step, (how long did wee 2 yr old be expected to sit n calm down/think bout her actions?)I suspect when you and sil ever cross paths again you're both going to land there.

I wouldn’t be best pleased if you had left my 2 year old to play alone in the garden. Gardens are very dangerous places for toddlers. You shouted at a toddler loudly enough to be heard elsewhere in the house - which must have been pretty loud. Your DH was actually sat with the baby and didn’t stop a toddler from hitting her? Blimey, that toddler must be super fast!

My advice is for you to give your SIL a call, maybe meet in for a coffee and clear the air. You’re going to be SILs for a long time, and these babies will always be cousins!

The other child is 2. I know that feels huge compared to your baby-but it isn't. Move on. Be friends again. Life's too short.

Just to be super clear here. Sitting doing nothing is not "supervising". Watching like a hawk for either getting rowdy and putting an arm between the kids or distracting is "supervising".

Naughty step and yelling is all pointless with a 2yo, who you never should have left alone in the garden. You cuddle the baby and you help the 2yo to understand they caused hurt and should say sorry/ pat gently and kiss etc. If that were my 2yo, I'd have been really pissed off with you all for not supervising and yelling at her for behaving like a 2yo. Learn to parent quickly, yours will be there soon!

Forgot to say - you should apologise to SIL that you and DH aren't yet used to supervising toddlers, so sorry you messed up this time. Better to clear the air quickly while you still can.

@Mamabird2022 . Unfortunately you don't get to have a cup of tea in peace if your baby is the target of a boisterous older child. You need to be on the floor next to her, guarding her.

This phase will hopefully soon pass and DD1's behaviour will improve and DD2 will become more robust as they get older, so they will be able to play together more harmoniously in the future.

She's probably annoyed that you shouted at her 2 year old.

@tolerable she only went to the toilet upstairs. She was gone a matter of minutes. And she had to sit on the naughty step for 3 minutes. Mil always does a minute for how old and an extra minute for reflection. After two minutes had passed she went to DD1 and asked her to apologise and that she shouldn’t push or hit anyone.

Have you read about the context of SIL deliberately not teaching her DD not to hit, and how she is reacting now? How can you seriously condone that?

This is the first time this has happened. DD1 has been around my daughter weekly since she has been born and in 9 months this is the first time something like this has happened. In hindsight it’s easy to say you should have been on the floor with her you shouldn’t have had her on the floor while DD1 is around, you let this happen but in all the time they have spent together DD1 has never done anything to my child. She has always shared her toys sat and watched tv with her gives her kisses all the time. I have never had any sort of issue. This is the first time and there will obviously never be a next time.

I'm sorry, what's the problem to your SiL withdrawing and refusing to come to your dd's party? Sounds ideal. If she's so insistent that her dd's behaviour cannot be curbed then this problem isn't going to go away.

A 2yo playing near a 9mo without an adult was always going to result in this even if your sil was disciplining her. 2yos have no notion whatsoever and have to be watched like a hawk as they just randomly decide to do stuff (running into people/ throwing stuff/ eating sand are a few of our examples 😅). You and your dh have to have you 9mo next to you at all time. And don’t fall out over kids, not least because in years to come you don’t want your ten/eleven year old wondering why they don’t see their aunt or cousins

If you shouted at my 2 year old baby, I'd cut you off too! Absolutely no need to raise your voice to a baby!

You need to apologise

Nah, she was being a very naughty child and I would have told her off too. If you go NC, then good riddance to you. Op maybe it's the best thing that she and her naughty child won't be at the party hitting other children and causing a scene. School is going to be fun for her.

I know every child is different but, barring any sen, a 2yo is really not a baby. I say this with a 2yo myself who has 2yo nursery friends.

2yo absolutely can understand some level of cause and effect, right and wrong (or at least, don't do that or mummy will be angry). For example, stay away from a hot oven or xyz is not for eating or don't climb onto the table or don't shout too loud etc etc.

They are not babies.

Having said that, some do hit and prevention is a million times better than punishment. Op did not do enough towards prevention.

But pp who are saying "a 2yo is just a baby" - I really don't agree with that

Surely it’s a result that DN won’t be there? Less chance of your DD or any other small people being knocked about by DN?

I really wouldn’t worry about it. She’s batshit, and in for a big surprise when her daughter starts school.

I imagine you have other friends and family to hang with who are less aggressive, so just socialise with them.

Yes it can be normal behaviour for a toddler but they do need to learn that it is unacceptable behaviour and so it's fine for you to correct and tell a child off for hitting your baby. Your SIL is unreasonable because it is her job to parent her child. Obviously it will take time for a toddler to learn and understand but you still need to teach them hitting is not acceptable. There are lots of books on gentle hands etc, your MIL seems more on board with it and might be worth talking to her about it and SIL reaction to it all. Maybe SIL is embarrassed about her child hitting others if she does not take her to playgroups?

@Opaque11 I didn't say I wouldn't redirect her behaviour but on what planet is it ok to shout at a child, let alone a baby?

Babies sometimes hit and sometime they bite, they are learning how to navigate the world. You, as the adult, redirect them and model good behaviour.

Shouting and ostracising a baby is disgusting

It sounds like your expectations and telling off of a 2 year old weren't developmentally age appropriate. Your SIL also has to protect her own 2 year old and her expectation is that as adults, you would be appropriate with her 2 year old even if the 2 year old acts like a 2 year old.

The way you attribute intention and responsibility to the 2 year old and think it is related to poor discipline and that you gave her a 'telling off' would give me pause as well.

YABU. When your adorable baby is 2 she will be committing equally atrocious acts, regardless of your parenting skills. By all means they need discipline but that does not mean getting angry and shouting at a 2 year old for being a 2 year old.

It was not OK to shout at a two year old, and a naughty step is completely pointless at that age. A firm 'no, we don't push' and 'no, we don't hit' while moving your DD away would have done. Honestly she's just being a two year old. If i was you I'd probably just apologise to your SIL and say that you were just a bit scared that your DD might have been hurt so you and MIL overreacted a bit.

She’s only 2. She needs to learn boundaries yes, but you shouted at her??

This is the first time and there will obviously never be a next time.

You are making WAY too much drama out of this.

@TheYearOfSmallThings i know my daughter will be two one day and will hit or bite but if the shoe was on the other foot I would be apologising for my child’s behaviour not cutting people off. And I shouted her name. Not like I was screaming at her.