Aibu to fall out with in laws over them favouriting SIL child over mine

[user1489320949]

Just looking for some perspective on whether I am being unreasonable to mother in law about clear favouritism to grandchild.
My oldest child is 5. He was the first grandchild so the apple of everyone's eye, always spending time with my husbands family they have been great with him, helped me massively with Childcare when I returned to work after having him etc no problems there at all. My husband has an older sister and a younger sister. The younger sister has always been put on a pedalstool by his mum and treated differently however iv kept my mouth closed regarding that no matter how annoying as its not my business.
Last year youngest SIL became pregnant and I became pregnant again shortly after. This is when cracks began to appear and already MIL much more interested in SIL unborn baby than our child. I once saw a comment mum in law had put on Facebook saying the most precious things in her life were my oldest child and her daughters unborn baby, no mention of the child I was carrying too!
When babies arrived things got slowly worse. MIL started to see my oldest boy less and did things such as returning toys she had for him at her house, she even gave us bedding she had kept on the spare bed in her house he slept in saying she didnt need it anymore! On another occasion we were visiting MIL and she said SIL was going to be visiting with her baby who wasn't well, I mentioned the babies shudnt really be together if ones poorly and MIL stated we would need to leave then! Various things like this have happened far too many to list.
A few months ago I had a conversation with MIL about childcare when I go back to work I was hoping she cud have my baby 1 day a week and help with oldest in school hols (she's semi retired) her reply was she had already arranged to look after SIL baby but she would help me occasionally if she could. I was hurt by this as she had always been more than willing to help with oldest boy before so sent a message saying so, I wasn't rude at all just just explained how I felt that SIL baby was taking priority and I was upset by it etc. I never had a response to message and she never broached the subject in person. I arranged alternative childcare. Things like this continued and we've got to the point were by baby is 9 months old and she hasn't looked after him once, not even taken him for a walk etc yet has a cot in her bedroom at home she looks after SIL baby so much does overnight stats etc. Oldest sister also has no relationship with baby,stopped coming to visit us and met him maybe 5 times.
MIL is away on holiday at the moment and this is when things have come to a head. She has posted a picture of SIL baby captioned 'miss you so much il see you when I get back'. Because of the build up of the other events this infuriated me and rather petty I know I have left a comment on the photo saying 'have you forgot ur other two grandchild' MIL has then private messaged me saying that is not the case and I am out of order for the comment, I responded again explaining how I feel my children are getting pushed out and why. No response from MIL however 30 mins later SIL removes me from family WhatsApp group and messages my husband all guns blazing about how I'm a terrible person and he shouldn't let me speak to MIL like that. I admit the comment on the picture was sarcastic and i shud have gone to MIL directly but other than that iv been polite and simply explained how I felt and why.
SIL has then sent me a load of abuse so I have blocked her so not to argue further.
Turns out oldest sister has been upset since my conversation with MIL regarding childcare and has basically cut off my children since even though it did not involve her at all and clearly didn't bother MIL enough for her to even respond.
Husband is upset but knows why I reacted the way I did his response is always just 'it was always going to happen when my sister had a baby she's the favourite' but to me that's not good enough.
I am fearsley protective of my children and won't see them being treated as second best. AIBU for pulling her on this behaviour, should I have just kept quiet? Starting to think I have now opened a huge can of worms that maybe should have been left? What would you have done?
Thanks for reading

You're not unreasonable to be disappointed that your MIL clearly has favourites between her own children and this is affecting the grandchildren.

You are unreasonable for knowing that's the situation, and keep poking the hornets nest, pushing the situation and making passive aggressive comments on social media. It comes across like you're spoiling for a fight.

I say it kindly, but sending messages and Facebook comments was always going to come to a head and I can see why it's turned into what it has.

I completely relate to how you feel. My husband is 1 of 3 and was the last of his siblings to have kids. Our boys are grandchildren number 5 and 6 to MIL and there is a very, very clear difference in how she treats them as opposed to the other lot. The whole family in general don't really seem to care that much. They don't get invited to things that the other 4 do. It upsets me a lot and I feel protective of my boys and want them included but I can't force people to make an effort. My husband doesn't like the situation but says himself she's got enough grandchildren already in her eyes and the novelty has somewhat worn off by the time ours were born.

They don't see much of my kids at all despite living really close, and that's their loss. If I went messaging and making Facebook posts I'm sure it would turn into a war as well. I just bite my tongue and remind myself they are the ones who are missing out on being a part of my brilliant boys lives.

So, sympathy. But maybe just leave it, it's not worth the drama.

She can do what she wants-obviously, you don’t have to like it though!

Posting sarcastic comments on social media is never going to end well and just makes you look petty.

My DD was the only GC for 4 years until SIL had 2 babies in swift succession and DD was demoted.
Its shit but throwing a tantrum about it won’t achieve anything and as you have found out causes nothing but trouble.
The good thing for us is that we don’t have MIL sticking her nose in now and as my DC have got older they know the score and while they are happy to see her they aren’t too bothered

Right, so your family had free childcare for 5 years, she then offered her other child the same as you'd had plus said she will still help with yours when she could, and you kicked off and sent rude messages; and now you're wondering why she doesn't see you as much?!?

Don't know what the situation is like with your own mum OP but I can see this being very hurtful for you especially if you don't have a mum of your own.

No advice but I can relate. So much that when I read the title I though oh shit I hope no one thinks that's me.

When my son was born my in laws were pretty great or so I thought. A bit annoying with unsolicited advice and so on but they did seem to really dote on ds.

Next thing sil has her babies and now ds doesn't get a look in. They never helped with regular childcare but would take ds overnight occasionally or a day out on the weekend. They are always busy with sils dc now and prioritise their wants and needs. This is as well as providing childcare while sil works.

When we do see them either sil and her dc have to be their or all mil talks about is her other grandchildren, shows no interest in ds.

I've so far avoided saying my piece but it's hurtful and has led to me avoiding them.

Ime backing away and taking your dc with you is the only way. We had the first dgc. A boy . A year later sil had a dc. Also a boy. Our ds was dumped. Sil lived across the street from ils. We lived 3 streets away. We visited (always the same time twice a week as invited) and sil would be there. Having let herself in while mil was still at work. Became awkward when sil's dc wouldn't share the toys ils had provided. Wanted all the biscuits as they were his.. Etc. Came to a head when I spoke to ils and asked if our dc (had a further 2 x ds's) could see them just us... Huge issue with sil. Sil agreed eventually to step back those time. 3. 30 til 5pm twice a week. Those days sil flounced off as we arrived dragging her dc (now a few more also) ... And it was like this until we divorced. The dc never mixed. Never spoke to sil. Ils took hers on holiday abroad and bought a static caravan for them all also. Mine never got a tea invite..
Sil also had free childcare for her 6 dc...
Mine went the night we moved. 2 dc... We had to be round at 7 am to collect them. They hadn't even had breakfast.

i can relate on some level - its more a boy/girl divide for me here but its really starting to show as my child is older and realises they get 1 gift compared to their siblings 100 gifts (eg), not just gifts of course, the grandparents want to talk to one sibling more, take more pictures of that sibling etc..

I wondered how far down we'd get until your feckless husband was mentioned. Sounds like you've sorted all the childcare for the first one, let him sort it for the second.

He can deal with his family and you should stop with the shitty Facebook comments. You've had free childcare, it's his sisters turn now.

Yeah, this.

You sound awfully entitled. It was fine when your DC1 was the apple of everyone’s eye.

Just how many grandchildren do you expect her to do childcare for? She's already done about five years of it for you. Of course she's going to want to even it out and help SIL. Or do you expect her to care for all the DGCs?

I suspect you're reading way too much into the return of some toys and bedding. She's probably having a clear out or replacing the bedding.
I've accumulated loads of toys just in three years of being a hands on Grandma. I'm going to need to lose some to make room for different ones as the first one gets older and needs different things. I wouldn't think twice about offering them to my DD before I took them to a charity shop.

My mil also seems to prefer her daughters dc - they are much older than mine though and different personalities to my DC . It is what it is - just accept it and do your best to ensure your children aren’t hurt by it

I think this is going to be an argument where you come off worse. The FB posts are the things she's done that are harmful but they'll get lost in a sea of accusations of unfairness.

You need to figure out your realistic expectations and then see how they appear from SIL perspective. Your eldest having the same amount of her time when you've had all her childcare focus for 5yrs, which now has to be split in 3, isn't realistic.

You and SIL are not asking the same of her, from SIL perspective she is asking for the help you've had with DC1, so fair. You are asking for childcare for 2DCs, a bigger ask. You also sound ungrateful for all the help you've had so far.

I think you should make more effort to bond with SIL and the similar aged cousins, rather than pitting them against each other. Offer to help SIL, for example, and you'll find yourself back in the circle of offers and support.

And Facebook fights are pure trash.

This. It is up to your MIL how and with whom she spends her time. You aren't entitled to her attention.

I can understand why you find it irritating but it is her choice, not yours. Concentrate on your immediate family and don't worry about the in-laws. Let them sort themselves out.

I think as a mother you are always going to feel closer to your own daughter's children than your daughter in law's. You have had help with childcare from your in laws in the past so you should be grateful for that. Grandparents shouldn't be expected to automatically provide childcare. You have made the situation worse with your comments on Facebook.

yanbu to feel hurt but you were to air it in public! It’s done. Your children are not the priority, and I would just back out quietly for a while to be honest. Plan birthdays and Christmas with your family. Apologise to your dh for causing it to kick off and acknowledge he must be a bit hurt too. Perhaps you can agree together to just back off and he can go visit if he wants to. If it helps, it’s about your sil not your children so much. Mine was like this- extremely active grandparent for everyone but all other grandchildren got dropped like hot potatoes if sil needed help with her Dc. I had my 3rd last year and mil cancelled every visit in the first 2 months because some thing came up with sil. I stopped inviting her to visit or asking for her help, and felt better that way than being let down. Mil is usually great with all of them and does help, but not so much when sil needs her. (Mine would also never ever post an asshole comment like she missed one grandchild though!!)

But also I think even if there were no favouritism at all, it’s perfectly normally for mil to think she looked after your baby, she should give that time to the next family with their first, not she has to continue with yours. That part of it isn’t rejection, it’s just sharing herself out.

Totally relate to your situation and know how upsetting it is to feel like your children are 2nd best and the worry what that will feel like for them as they get older and realise their cousin/s are clearly favourite, it's shit!

However I don't think saying anything (especially on social media 😬but hey done now) will get you anywhere, if anything it'll just distance mil further from you and your children. I think it's one of those things you just need to accept.

Absolutely. You couldn't have made yourself look more petty and stupid if you'd tried, OP. Everyone who read that would have sided with your MIL. Who let's remember provided you with childcare, and your child with love, for five years.

Way to trash your relationship and ensure that she sees even less of your family. I wouldn't go near you in her place.

I find this such an odd comment, why would you not feel equally close to your sons children?
OP I can't understand how your MIL suddenly is disinterested in your eldest son and don't blame you for being upset, but you've now made an issue by using social media, you have some serious grovelling ahead of you.

I find this shocking.

Why should you feel closer to your daughters children than your sons? It's weird and sexist.

Same type of situ with mil. We stepped back when we realised she really wasn't interested in our kids. Family chat full of pics and talk about sil children. No mention of ours ever. One Christmas she got SIL children a Nintendo switch console for Xmas. Ours got a dressing gown each. Something they didn't need!

We have stepped completely away now. Didn't want our kids seeing the blatant favoritism. The saddest thing is, she's not noticed. Our youngest doesn't even remember her. It's been about 3 years since she's seen them.

Who in their right mind posts sarky comments on their relative’s FB??? Very unedifying @user1489320949 Makes you come across v poorly conducting yourself like that over social media.
Your DH appears not to have got involved, very sensibly. Were you expecting your children to retain top spot despite the arrival of other grandchildren?