Aibu to fall out with in laws over them favouriting SIL child over mine

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Just looking for some perspective on whether I am being unreasonable to mother in law about clear favouritism to grandchild.
My oldest child is 5. He was the first grandchild so the apple of everyone's eye, always spending time with my husbands family they have been great with him, helped me massively with Childcare when I returned to work after having him etc no problems there at all. My husband has an older sister and a younger sister. The younger sister has always been put on a pedalstool by his mum and treated differently however iv kept my mouth closed regarding that no matter how annoying as its not my business.
Last year youngest SIL became pregnant and I became pregnant again shortly after. This is when cracks began to appear and already MIL much more interested in SIL unborn baby than our child. I once saw a comment mum in law had put on Facebook saying the most precious things in her life were my oldest child and her daughters unborn baby, no mention of the child I was carrying too!
When babies arrived things got slowly worse. MIL started to see my oldest boy less and did things such as returning toys she had for him at her house, she even gave us bedding she had kept on the spare bed in her house he slept in saying she didnt need it anymore! On another occasion we were visiting MIL and she said SIL was going to be visiting with her baby who wasn't well, I mentioned the babies shudnt really be together if ones poorly and MIL stated we would need to leave then! Various things like this have happened far too many to list.
A few months ago I had a conversation with MIL about childcare when I go back to work I was hoping she cud have my baby 1 day a week and help with oldest in school hols (she's semi retired) her reply was she had already arranged to look after SIL baby but she would help me occasionally if she could. I was hurt by this as she had always been more than willing to help with oldest boy before so sent a message saying so, I wasn't rude at all just just explained how I felt that SIL baby was taking priority and I was upset by it etc. I never had a response to message and she never broached the subject in person. I arranged alternative childcare. Things like this continued and we've got to the point were by baby is 9 months old and she hasn't looked after him once, not even taken him for a walk etc yet has a cot in her bedroom at home she looks after SIL baby so much does overnight stats etc. Oldest sister also has no relationship with baby,stopped coming to visit us and met him maybe 5 times.
MIL is away on holiday at the moment and this is when things have come to a head. She has posted a picture of SIL baby captioned 'miss you so much il see you when I get back'. Because of the build up of the other events this infuriated me and rather petty I know I have left a comment on the photo saying 'have you forgot ur other two grandchild' MIL has then private messaged me saying that is not the case and I am out of order for the comment, I responded again explaining how I feel my children are getting pushed out and why. No response from MIL however 30 mins later SIL removes me from family WhatsApp group and messages my husband all guns blazing about how I'm a terrible person and he shouldn't let me speak to MIL like that. I admit the comment on the picture was sarcastic and i shud have gone to MIL directly but other than that iv been polite and simply explained how I felt and why.
SIL has then sent me a load of abuse so I have blocked her so not to argue further.
Turns out oldest sister has been upset since my conversation with MIL regarding childcare and has basically cut off my children since even though it did not involve her at all and clearly didn't bother MIL enough for her to even respond.
Husband is upset but knows why I reacted the way I did his response is always just 'it was always going to happen when my sister had a baby she's the favourite' but to me that's not good enough.
I am fearsley protective of my children and won't see them being treated as second best. AIBU for pulling her on this behaviour, should I have just kept quiet? Starting to think I have now opened a huge can of worms that maybe should have been left? What would you have done?
Thanks for reading

Pedalstool 😂

Gosh OP. I do understand that it has felt hurtful to you that your SIL and her DC seem favoured. But I think you behaved terribly over the childcare and then appallingly commenting on the photo.

You had a good relationship with MIL and she helped you enormously with childcare for your eldest. She is not obliged to repeat that for your youngest. Giving back toys and bedding did not need to be an issue - perhaps she thought your eldest was growing out of them and made more sense for you to get most use while could. Perhaps she was just making space now she has 3 grandchildren.

It is a shame if your eldest is losing out on a once close relationship and if your youngest won't get that. But SIL's DC is SIL's oldest child and is equally entitled to have a close relationship with their grandparents as yours was.

You are seeing it as SIL's DC taking what you had/wanted. Perhaps it is a little, but the way you have behaved makes this much more likely than if you had been dignified and graciously accepted the attention offered. Commenting on missing one grandchild doesn't mean not caring about others. Does spending time and attention with one of your DC individually mean you don't care about the other?

What is your relationship with your family like?

Agree.

it’s actually been proven that children are closer to their maternal than paternal grandparents

How on earth could this be proven? Did they survey everyone on the planet?

I was a lot closer to paternal grandparents growing up even though both sets lived locally. Likewise my brother's children are closer to my parents than their other (local) grandparents. No abuse/addiction/trauma in either situation. I think it stems from the daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law in both situations being decent humans and not looking for problems where there were none.

It’s not weird, it’s totally normal. You only have to read the MIL threads on mumsnet to have some insight into why. My own mum is paranoid at being perceived as favouring my children over my brother’s (even though I know in her heart that’s how she feels) to the extent to which she won’t reply to photos I send on fam chat, or post about my kids on social media, in case it offends my brother and SIL! The reality is she is so much closer to my kids because I have included her so much more and she’s had much more of an opportunity to develop a bond. On my SIL’s side she’s been kept at an arms length and always taken second priority to SIL’s parents. As a result my brothers kids are much much closer to their maternal grandparents. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

And while my mum & dad are crazy about my sister’s little guy, and sort of praise him & put him on a tiny throne… They actually spend more time with my DS & have a more personal relationship with him. So, it’s all very nuanced. And your MIL’s choice.

I think you are doing the right thing OP , I have a feeling that if your partner expected this then he really knew best in this case . I feel for him too , that he knew his mum so well that he knew to expect so very little of her . It’s sad . But at least he has accepted he is never going to be the favourite and hopefully he will not put your kids through it either . People who were never good parents rarely make better grandparents . Hugs

thank you! There is loads more to the story! My father in law has shouted and sworn at me in front of our 4 year old son and my husband stood there and said nothing. I had to go nc for a few years for my own sanity. Husband goes himself to see them now! Our youngest occasionally goes. My pils and sister in law are welcome to each other! Husband and i have been together 21 years. Last year he stopped texting them for a few months but I don't think they even noticed!

I think you should go and see MIL and apologise for the Facebook debacle.

Explain that it was coming from a place of love for her and your children, and that you want them to have a good relationship with inlaws.

The relationship with your SILs will be harder to fix, but maybe if you get MIL onboard they will soften.

As much as possible I think it's best to avoid conflict with inlaws, it's your DH's family and puts him in a terrible situation.

Bloody hell.

You are deciding which of your not yet born grandchildren will be your favourite? How strange people are.

I have 2 sons. They are much closer to my husband's parents than to mine. Because my husband's parents have shown more interest in them and enjoy spending time with them.

If my sons have children I hope it is not with someone from a family with this kind of attitude where I should sit on the sidelines and let their maternal grandparents be the real ones.

pedalstool 😄.

Bone apple tea!

This!
I am very close to my parents but my children are as close to my in laws as they are to my parents.

Turns out oldest sister has been upset since my conversation with MIL regarding childcare and has basically cut off my children since even though it did not involve her at all and clearly didn't bother MIL enough for her to even respond.

I can 100% guarantee that MIL was bothered, you just didn't get to hear about it. Yeah, it's shitty when a child is obviously favoured over another, but there is nothing you can do except say your piece, which you have done. You'll just have to love your children enough for everybody and bugger the inlaws, it's their loss.

They reap what they sow. My oldest got dropped like a turd. He won’t even pretend to care about them, nor does he even give them a glance when they are in the same vicinity.

MIL didn't respond because she had the sense not to make her Facebook page a Jeremy Kyle special.

I presume that she's keeping out of your way until she's confident that she can control herself around her ungrateful and chavvy DIL.

This.

Your child benefited from being the only grandchild for a long time. Of course the level of attention they get will be less when more children are born.

You're being childish, I see why you're upset as it's clear they prefer their own girls child but you cannot expect free childcare and if you don't want to be near a sick child then it is your responsibility to go. And the Facebook stuff is very petty but your SIL is mean removing you from the chat instead of discussing like an adult.

I get why you're upset, I really do but some of what you wrote makes you sound a little entitled which I think is just because you've been used to so much attention and help to them have it taken away,

I think you are doing the right thing OP , I have a feeling that if your partner expected this then he really knew best in this case . I feel for him too , that he knew his mum so well that he knew to expect so very little of her . It’s sad . But at least he has accepted he is never going to be the favourite and hopefully he will not put your kids through it either . People who were never good parents rarely make better grandparents . Hugs

Indeed. My MiL couldn't even be bothered to remember DH's birthday when he was a child. If he pissed her off - and it only took a hair-fracture's trigger - she would refuse to speak to him for days.

We were hardly surprised when a similar attitude extended itself to his son. She was hardly away from our place when he was a tiny, cute baby and I was on maternity leave, and I encouraged this thinking it might be a beneficial relationship and that it's fair to give people a chance.

The sooner he'd passed the cute baby stage she was no longer interested, and for years now has contacted him all of about 3X per year (one of those occasions being HER birthday).

My child is not a dolly to be picked up and put down for someone's own amusement. I greatly feel the loss of my lovely mum, she would have made a wonderful grandma. But to coin a hackneyed MN truism, 'it is what it is'.

I understand where you're coming from, OP.

It’s just what happens when you have daughters, which you wouldn’t know, and you spend a lot of time with them.

I could have written this 20 years ago. Very hurtful and very upsetting.

I stopped all contact (it was so little that they didn’t notice for a long while) when they did notice it was because mother in law called and demanded that my eldest be made available for SIL’s child’s party. My youngest was not invited. Needless to say I told her that eldest was not available.

This called an almighty row, they haven’t seen my children since.

I don't think it's this, I think it's just a reflection of the fact that women tend to do most of the child related stuff, so MIL would have to go through DIL to have much to do with them, rather than her son.

Yes there will be times, like in this case, where the MIL showed favouritism for her daughter over her son all along, which is shit. But I think even if that wasn't the case, and she'd always treated the two kids equally, it would still be pretty common for her son to be less hands on with his kids than her daughter is with hers.

@Thirtyandflailing so are you saying then that you favour your daughter?

What reasoning and logic is there for this?

I'm quite glad I don't have one of each if this is what it leads to.

I think you have behaved very badly and need to wind your neck in. It is almost as if you expect your MIL to see you the same as her own daughter and not just the grandchildren. If your husband has an issue with his mother then you need to leave it to him.

If my (imaginary) DIL said to me that her baby and my daughters baby could not be in my house at the same time, I would also tell DIL to go home, seeing as she is the one with a problem.

She has done childcare for her son for five years, now she wants to do it for her daughter. She cannot physically meet all the childcare needs of a growing family.

I would also have cut you off from family WhatsApp after your social media posts and if your husband was my brother, I would also have called him and read him the riot act over how he condones his wife speaking to our mother like that.

Step right back OP

It will be their loss when they don't have any kind of relationship with their grandchildren.

I would keep your DC well away from them, your eldest will experience the favouritism first hand otherwise and is old enough to understand and be upset by it.

Ok you shouldn't have responded to her Facebook post but bloody hell talk about make it blatantly obvious that she doesn't care about your children. It's very hurtful and calculated imo.

I would be hurt with the majority of things that you have mentioned.
However I think you were behaving a bit entitled when it came to childcare. I would have understood that with more grandchildren - childcare wouldn’t be freely available as it had been previously.