Aibu to fall out with in laws over them favouriting SIL child over mine

[user1489320949]

Just looking for some perspective on whether I am being unreasonable to mother in law about clear favouritism to grandchild.
My oldest child is 5. He was the first grandchild so the apple of everyone's eye, always spending time with my husbands family they have been great with him, helped me massively with Childcare when I returned to work after having him etc no problems there at all. My husband has an older sister and a younger sister. The younger sister has always been put on a pedalstool by his mum and treated differently however iv kept my mouth closed regarding that no matter how annoying as its not my business.
Last year youngest SIL became pregnant and I became pregnant again shortly after. This is when cracks began to appear and already MIL much more interested in SIL unborn baby than our child. I once saw a comment mum in law had put on Facebook saying the most precious things in her life were my oldest child and her daughters unborn baby, no mention of the child I was carrying too!
When babies arrived things got slowly worse. MIL started to see my oldest boy less and did things such as returning toys she had for him at her house, she even gave us bedding she had kept on the spare bed in her house he slept in saying she didnt need it anymore! On another occasion we were visiting MIL and she said SIL was going to be visiting with her baby who wasn't well, I mentioned the babies shudnt really be together if ones poorly and MIL stated we would need to leave then! Various things like this have happened far too many to list.
A few months ago I had a conversation with MIL about childcare when I go back to work I was hoping she cud have my baby 1 day a week and help with oldest in school hols (she's semi retired) her reply was she had already arranged to look after SIL baby but she would help me occasionally if she could. I was hurt by this as she had always been more than willing to help with oldest boy before so sent a message saying so, I wasn't rude at all just just explained how I felt that SIL baby was taking priority and I was upset by it etc. I never had a response to message and she never broached the subject in person. I arranged alternative childcare. Things like this continued and we've got to the point were by baby is 9 months old and she hasn't looked after him once, not even taken him for a walk etc yet has a cot in her bedroom at home she looks after SIL baby so much does overnight stats etc. Oldest sister also has no relationship with baby,stopped coming to visit us and met him maybe 5 times.
MIL is away on holiday at the moment and this is when things have come to a head. She has posted a picture of SIL baby captioned 'miss you so much il see you when I get back'. Because of the build up of the other events this infuriated me and rather petty I know I have left a comment on the photo saying 'have you forgot ur other two grandchild' MIL has then private messaged me saying that is not the case and I am out of order for the comment, I responded again explaining how I feel my children are getting pushed out and why. No response from MIL however 30 mins later SIL removes me from family WhatsApp group and messages my husband all guns blazing about how I'm a terrible person and he shouldn't let me speak to MIL like that. I admit the comment on the picture was sarcastic and i shud have gone to MIL directly but other than that iv been polite and simply explained how I felt and why.
SIL has then sent me a load of abuse so I have blocked her so not to argue further.
Turns out oldest sister has been upset since my conversation with MIL regarding childcare and has basically cut off my children since even though it did not involve her at all and clearly didn't bother MIL enough for her to even respond.
Husband is upset but knows why I reacted the way I did his response is always just 'it was always going to happen when my sister had a baby she's the favourite' but to me that's not good enough.
I am fearsley protective of my children and won't see them being treated as second best. AIBU for pulling her on this behaviour, should I have just kept quiet? Starting to think I have now opened a huge can of worms that maybe should have been left? What would you have done?
Thanks for reading

YANBU to be upset by it. YABU to write stuff on SM. You can't make people care about your children, not matter how much you love them, or how much it upsets you that they don't. What I would say is that I wouldn't allow my kids to pick up on it. So if the favourism was impacting them I would withdraw from the relationship//..

This is what I was thinking.
Only giving SILs first child what OPs first child had?

OP you’re coming across quite entitled to me, MIL isn’t obligated to take your child for a walk or look after it? It sounds like she was very hands on with your first but your child isn’t the only grandchild anymore and it’s only fair that SIL has the same help with her first child surely?

I don’t know whether I’m being harsh because no one helped me and I had to pay for childcare even evening babysitting but I feel like I would just be so grateful with the help that I’d had with my first child and the money I’d saved.

If my brothers wife was behaving like you were I can imagine things going down similarly as they have for you!

Awwhhhhh is your free childcare gone? Resorting to petty comments for the world to see is uncalled for, petty and entitled. Do you want your Mil to set up a creche? You have already got 5 years of UNPAID childcare and call a spade a spade...it really does boil down to that. It's the lack of childcare you are the most pissed off about. Mortified for you acting that way.

OP I think entitled and obnoxious pretty much covers you.

YABU because you aired your dirty laundry on Facebook. If you have something to say then say it to her face. Also remember she doesn't have to do anything for you or your kids. If your unhappy then limit contact.

@Codlingmoths but what you are describing their is bad behaviour from the start by your mil. Taking the baby off you while your own mum showed care.

I've put up with a lot of bad behaviour from my in laws, because I didn't want to be 'that' dil. Always smiled sweetly and kept my mouth shut. Still got dropped like a lead balloon once the daughter dc came along 🤷‍♀️

You have already said you should t have commented over social media, but then again mil ignores your private messages as well

the simple thing now is to remove your self from any SM the family have that they haven’t removed you from, and block them from yours

then crack on with your life and leave it to your husband/mil to sort out when she wants to see the kids.

I would step away from visiting any of them

Ouch. I visibly winced when I read your post. I didn't think people posting trashy comments on FB happened in real life.

Sorry, agree with the masses; you were 'hoping' she'd help you with childcare and are pissed shes doing for her DD what she's done for you for 5 years. Absolutely entitled.

Yes, it sounds like shes a bit over excited about her DD having had a baby but you come across as entitled and whiney. Sorry

This type of situation is so common, Op. It is clearly unfair. The first thing to do is to acknowledge (not accept or condone) that mil will always favor her youngest daughter and her dc. Always. No matter what. This was the status quo before you came into the picture, it was just you had the only grandchild for a while so it seemed like mil was equally gracious and loving. But that wasn’t really the case because as soon as she had her favored grandchild from her favored child, that was it and yours were dumped.

Generally yes it’s best to sail above the nasty lack of integrity from relatives and in-laws and just totally ignore them, but I will go against the grain and say brava for saying the truth out loud on her FB page. ‘Did you forget about your other grandchildren?’ She is so blatantly prejudiced toward your sil and your sil is so blatantly manipulative, enjoying her advantage at the expense of your children, used to having everything her way, that both mil and sil went raging when you dropped the little truth bomb for everyone to see. The other sil, used to being last and enabling the others, of course sided with them. Everyone else though will already know how they are and some may have secretly applauded you. Her post on FB was very mean to purposely exclude her other gc. These are little children that mil and sil are dismissing. Shame on them.

Ok, what to do now. Acknowledge that his family are not very nice and never will be, go low or no contact, and ensure that your dh will stand by you. And this is the most important thing, don’t let them take your joy or take your time in anxious worry. Enjoy your children and understand that they have had a toxic dynamic in their family for many years and it really has nothing to do with you personally. Let them stew in their own ugly juices. You’ve got a beautiful life. It is the injustice that bothers you, as it should. Be proud that you didn’t cow down to them as everyone else has. Remember they are apparently incapable of self awareness. Leave them behind and don’t waste any time trying to understand why they’re the way they are.

@MrsSamR

i suggest you ask for your post to be removed. You have no idea if the op suffers from dyslexia for some other form of learning disability

you should NEVER comment on grammar and spelling on posts, you just don’t know

This is very common that MIL favour their own DD children.

Just be grateful to have all the help and attention you had with your first.

We didn't even get that!!

I can count on one hand the number of times PIL have helped with our DC and my oldest is now 10.

Could this be a weird older generational attitude (dependent on culture or upbringing). I say this because my mum once said to me "with daughters you know their kids are actually your grandkids, with sons you gotta hope the partner is telling to truths". It's ridiculous really and paternity tests exist so makes the comment even more silly, but my mum actually vocalised this, so makes me think there's more in her generation that think like this

That's ok, no one wants advice from a sneery judge type anyway 👍

The most sensible and balanced of all the posts I've read so far.

OP, your guts and directness are refreshing, but I'd have said all that privately or via direct message rather than in a public forum, however stung you were by her (admittedly pointed) comment.

It's not possible from an outsider's perspective to know whether you feel some resentment because your child/ren are no longer the exclusive focus of attention, or whether it's indeed a case of her playing favourites, establishing a golden child vs. scapegoat dynamic with her own children, and continuing this with her children. If it's the former, YABU. If the latter, she is.

Your only two options here are either to apologise and smooth things over, or take a step back. Whichever way you cut it, though, I'm afraid you've taken on a battle that you can't win.

Damn! That's horrible.

So other posters can trash the OP's character and call her entitled, whiny, obnoxious and petty but I can't comment on grammar and spelling?! OK...

Didn't realise it was a race to the bottom.
You didn't have any help so no one else is allowed. Everyone must suffer because you did it all on your own?

I don't understand this BS narrative previous posters are parroting about MIL being closer to their DDs kids rather than their sons. No wonder people are sad when they have sons. 😤 It's a disgusting attitude to have and I say that as a mum of both a DD and DS.

I think it's more that if it's your own daughter you're likely going to feel more at ease in that relationship than with your DIL perhaps, especially in early days?

Maybe also that mothers typically have more of a caregiver role, are seen as the "custodians" of the children, so if your stronger relationship is with mother rather than father you're naturally more likely to foster a stronger relationship with the DC.

Whatever the reason it's a terrible shame.

@SerafinasGoose yep I agree it's not a nice outlook to have.

Tell me you didn't understand the OP without telling me you didn't understand the OP.

Well said. @MrsSamR was probably holding her nose while she posted. Hope that shuddering hasn't got too many side effects.

I have two DS and I fucking hate that it's this way. But it just is, in mine and many other cases. I don't personally have that belief, but my MIL certainly does!!

I'm not saying it's a race to the bottom and I feel for OP, it's really sad, but the fact is she had dedicated help with her DC when they were tiny and now maybe it's time for someone else to have that. Scrapping on social media won't change anything. Nor will feeling resentful.

Hang on, you had grand parent childcare with your first? So isn’t it fair she offers that to her other child with her first?

I think you sound unreasonable. Jealousy is very ugly

My mil definitely favours her daughter's children over our's. She looks after them all the time, takes them clothes shopping, has them for sleepovers. Now that my children are older, they totally see it. My 17 yr old son texted his Granny asking to meet up. They did but she brought his cousin along too!! ( my sis in law's son).
What makes it worse is, my Mum died when I was 20 and my Dad lives over 100 miles away. My husband and i haven't been out together in a very long time.
my best friend picks up my youngest from primary school if I'm working.
You can chose your friends but not your family! Thank goodness my husband is totally different to his Mum and sister!