Aibu to fall out with in laws over them favouriting SIL child over mine

[user1489320949]

Just looking for some perspective on whether I am being unreasonable to mother in law about clear favouritism to grandchild.
My oldest child is 5. He was the first grandchild so the apple of everyone's eye, always spending time with my husbands family they have been great with him, helped me massively with Childcare when I returned to work after having him etc no problems there at all. My husband has an older sister and a younger sister. The younger sister has always been put on a pedalstool by his mum and treated differently however iv kept my mouth closed regarding that no matter how annoying as its not my business.
Last year youngest SIL became pregnant and I became pregnant again shortly after. This is when cracks began to appear and already MIL much more interested in SIL unborn baby than our child. I once saw a comment mum in law had put on Facebook saying the most precious things in her life were my oldest child and her daughters unborn baby, no mention of the child I was carrying too!
When babies arrived things got slowly worse. MIL started to see my oldest boy less and did things such as returning toys she had for him at her house, she even gave us bedding she had kept on the spare bed in her house he slept in saying she didnt need it anymore! On another occasion we were visiting MIL and she said SIL was going to be visiting with her baby who wasn't well, I mentioned the babies shudnt really be together if ones poorly and MIL stated we would need to leave then! Various things like this have happened far too many to list.
A few months ago I had a conversation with MIL about childcare when I go back to work I was hoping she cud have my baby 1 day a week and help with oldest in school hols (she's semi retired) her reply was she had already arranged to look after SIL baby but she would help me occasionally if she could. I was hurt by this as she had always been more than willing to help with oldest boy before so sent a message saying so, I wasn't rude at all just just explained how I felt that SIL baby was taking priority and I was upset by it etc. I never had a response to message and she never broached the subject in person. I arranged alternative childcare. Things like this continued and we've got to the point were by baby is 9 months old and she hasn't looked after him once, not even taken him for a walk etc yet has a cot in her bedroom at home she looks after SIL baby so much does overnight stats etc. Oldest sister also has no relationship with baby,stopped coming to visit us and met him maybe 5 times.
MIL is away on holiday at the moment and this is when things have come to a head. She has posted a picture of SIL baby captioned 'miss you so much il see you when I get back'. Because of the build up of the other events this infuriated me and rather petty I know I have left a comment on the photo saying 'have you forgot ur other two grandchild' MIL has then private messaged me saying that is not the case and I am out of order for the comment, I responded again explaining how I feel my children are getting pushed out and why. No response from MIL however 30 mins later SIL removes me from family WhatsApp group and messages my husband all guns blazing about how I'm a terrible person and he shouldn't let me speak to MIL like that. I admit the comment on the picture was sarcastic and i shud have gone to MIL directly but other than that iv been polite and simply explained how I felt and why.
SIL has then sent me a load of abuse so I have blocked her so not to argue further.
Turns out oldest sister has been upset since my conversation with MIL regarding childcare and has basically cut off my children since even though it did not involve her at all and clearly didn't bother MIL enough for her to even respond.
Husband is upset but knows why I reacted the way I did his response is always just 'it was always going to happen when my sister had a baby she's the favourite' but to me that's not good enough.
I am fearsley protective of my children and won't see them being treated as second best. AIBU for pulling her on this behaviour, should I have just kept quiet? Starting to think I have now opened a huge can of worms that maybe should have been left? What would you have done?
Thanks for reading

This was my thoughts too. I suspect MIL sees the situation very differently from the OP.

You’ve got guts I’ll give you that!

There was nothing wrong in trying to get them to see the unfairness of it all but I think you were naive to think it would change things.

It’ll be interesting to see what happens when the older sister has children though.

I feel for you. But this is quite common in lots of families. Favourites, dysfunction, toxicity blah blah

If I was you I would apologise for both your husbands sake and your kids.

Also I think perhaps the girls might have been jealous when your child was there a lot - unfortunately siblings can be very jealous and as parents we have to do our hardest to treat everyone fairly or the kids end up hating on each other as adults

You're entitled to feel upset.
She's entitled to do whatever she wants.
Favouritism sucks but you are making the situation worse by being petty.
You've had childcare already from your MIL, its not a god given right.
I would perhaps leave the situation now as you'll end up with your husband having to choose between his mum and sisters and you.

@Queenoftelly
It isn't the children themselves that make the difference. It's normally the fact that the daughter (mum of gc) puts in a shit tonne more effort than the son (father of gc) with their own mum.

Jesus woman! How entitled are you?! It was all good when your child was the centre of attention, and you getting 5 years free childcare, but you’re unhappy now it’s someone else’s turn. The FB comment was beyond rude and you’ve made yourself look like a petty jealous idiot. You need to REALLY apologise, to everyone, and hope it can be mended.

and it’s pedestal.

I think as a mother you are always going to feel closer to your own daughter's children than your daughter in law's.
Why?
Any parent who says "I feel closer to my daughter's children's than my son's children" probably has a similar worldview to the people on baby threads devastated that they're having a boy because 'a daughter is a daughter for life but a son's only yours til he gets a wife' and other such shit.

Queenoftelly - Because I think a lot of people do feel that way. I obviously felt closer to my mum than my mother in law and I know that when my children were young my mother in law was closer to my sil's children than mine and used to do a lot more with them. That's just how it was.

I understand,it’s similar here ,once her daughters had children,her son and I and our children dropped of the radar .now we just see them birthdays and Christmas.
it is what it is ,you can’t change people.
i have never said anything,because it would cause an almighty row ,and they are not my family to cause a huge in .
probably best you apologise and lower your expectations of them

A huge row in …that should read

YABVU and very jealous that the attention is not all on you anymore.

Of course she’s not going to post about your unborn child - she posted about your eldest and her other grandchild because she knows them and loves them, she didn’t know your unborn child because it wasn’t born.

Of course she’s going to give you back some of his toys - she’s got 3 grandkids and doesn’t need a house full of toys.

Of course she’s going to tell you to leave if you didn’t want to be around SIL’s sick baby as it was you that had the issue with it, no one else - did you really expect her to phone her DD and tell her not to come?

And now you’re annoyed because she won’t babysit your child whilst you go to work?

You sound very difficult and I of course feel sorry for your MIL but I also feel sorry that your DH is stuck in the middle of all of this.

Where’s your parents in all of this?
Is your DH just as upset with your parents?

I think this all stems from expecting too much from family. You got five years of free childcare along with overnights and now that MIL can't do it for both your children, you're annoyed. Then you criticised her publicly - have you ever used a Facebook post to thank her for all she has done for your oldest child?

You are really unreasonable to expect your MIL who still works to provide childcare for two kids. She has helped you with your oldest, she's just doing the same for her daughter now though.
I do think that people that approach grandparents asking for free childcare have a huge brass neck; to then be annoyed when they have other commitments is crazy.

If you treated MIL like a grandma with visits and days out and didn't expect free childcare, you'd have no reason to be annoyed.

I completely agree.

Fortunately because she posted on Facebook so at least everyone else can see what she’s like.

In my case it's my mum who is, and always has been, entirely uninterested in my kids. My wonderful MIL was the prefect grandmother and adored her four grandchildren (two from her son and me and two from her own daughter) absolutely equally. But then I treated her with love and involved her with my kids every bit as much as my SIL did. She wasn't second place grandmother like some MILs seem to be.

"Jesus woman! How entitled are you?! It was all good when your child was the centre of attention, and you getting 5 years free childcare, but you’re unhappy now it’s someone else’s turn. The FB comment was beyond rude and you’ve made yourself look like a petty jealous idiot. You need to REALLY apologise, to everyone, and hope it can be mended.

and it’s pedestal"

I quite liked pedalstool. Also "fearsley"

"Why should you feel closer to your daughters children than your sons? It's weird and sexist."

I didn't post this, but it is usually the mum on maternity leave and the mum-daughter relationship is usually stronger than MIL - DIL. It's therefore natural they see the baby more as baby and mum are a package.

What I was thinking!

My own DM has always favoured new babies. mine & siblings DC got pushed out when a much younger foster daughter had DC. I would never dream of making PA comments or ranting about it to her, it’s her choice. It’s just a bit sad.

You do grasp they are your in-laws right and not your parents? You seem way involved and your husband not. Do you have living parents? It does read like you just want free child care and are pissed the sil is now getting what you got for years

From my point of view, I did find having a baby myself made me need my own mother more - she was the person (apart from DH) I wanted around. I think there is a bond you have with your own Mum that comes to the fore when you become a mother yourself. From my point of view, she was the person who wasn't completely focused on the baby, the person who knew I needed some care at a vulnerable time too. She was the person who asked how I was feeling.

Did you ask your own mother to give up 1 day a week? I can't believe the cheek of you. You had 5years of free everything and support and didn't want anyone else to have that. Maybe she wanted to give her dd the same amount of time and attention, but it's limited for you because she has 3! I wonder if you are as difficult with your own parents as you are with your IL's?

Ahh, just remember, you can't change people and your husband is right on this occasion.

I know how hurtful it is, but for the sake of your own sanity, relationship with DH and DC, let it pass.

I have been in a similar situation with MIL. Believe me it's not worth falling out over something like this.
DC are smart and as they get older, they will pick up on these things. And when they are nerly grown up, they will vote with their feet... mine have, and I / we never mentioned any of the unfairness of how different sets if grandchildren were treated when younger or needed looking after.

I don't think anyone is coming out of this well to be honest. My sister gets lots more support from my parents, but she was a parent much younger and its just the way it is. I know my son won't have the same relationship with his grandparents as my neice and nephew do and while it sucks, me making a fuss over it isn't going to change or improve the situation but it would make it more awkward. I think your dh was the appropriate person to call out your mil and yes, doing it online and publicly was not the best way to handle it. It's possible things have got tense so now mil is withdrawing further. I would either leave it alone and accept it for what it is, or focus on creating opportunities for your kids to see her and mend the bridge for their relationships sake if you feel it would be worth salvaging but just accept that there will be a difference and focus more on the other people who are good to your kids.

I don't disagree with you pointing out the fact she's behaving like a twat but you can't win in this situation. Mainly because they'll be getting a kick out of it, just like they did when your dh was a child. They like having someone feeling inferior and wanting their time and attention.

They've had what they want out of you which was a child to mollycoddle until their precious dd finally had one, you aren't needed now. Neither are your dc, don't bother arguing over it, just disengage. Stop following them or block on social media and concentrate on raising your own emotionally healthy family without their input.

There was nothing wrong in trying to get them to see the unfairness of it all but I think you were naive to think it would change things

I don’t think it’s unfair at all. She’s had five years of free child care. I think it’s fine it’s now the daughters turn and I don’t think it’s ok to expect her to look after two babies and a five year old.

as so often: SIL is your MILs daughter.
How do you expect her to treat her own daughter?