Aibu to fall out with in laws over them favouriting SIL child over mine

[user1489320949]

Just looking for some perspective on whether I am being unreasonable to mother in law about clear favouritism to grandchild.
My oldest child is 5. He was the first grandchild so the apple of everyone's eye, always spending time with my husbands family they have been great with him, helped me massively with Childcare when I returned to work after having him etc no problems there at all. My husband has an older sister and a younger sister. The younger sister has always been put on a pedalstool by his mum and treated differently however iv kept my mouth closed regarding that no matter how annoying as its not my business.
Last year youngest SIL became pregnant and I became pregnant again shortly after. This is when cracks began to appear and already MIL much more interested in SIL unborn baby than our child. I once saw a comment mum in law had put on Facebook saying the most precious things in her life were my oldest child and her daughters unborn baby, no mention of the child I was carrying too!
When babies arrived things got slowly worse. MIL started to see my oldest boy less and did things such as returning toys she had for him at her house, she even gave us bedding she had kept on the spare bed in her house he slept in saying she didnt need it anymore! On another occasion we were visiting MIL and she said SIL was going to be visiting with her baby who wasn't well, I mentioned the babies shudnt really be together if ones poorly and MIL stated we would need to leave then! Various things like this have happened far too many to list.
A few months ago I had a conversation with MIL about childcare when I go back to work I was hoping she cud have my baby 1 day a week and help with oldest in school hols (she's semi retired) her reply was she had already arranged to look after SIL baby but she would help me occasionally if she could. I was hurt by this as she had always been more than willing to help with oldest boy before so sent a message saying so, I wasn't rude at all just just explained how I felt that SIL baby was taking priority and I was upset by it etc. I never had a response to message and she never broached the subject in person. I arranged alternative childcare. Things like this continued and we've got to the point were by baby is 9 months old and she hasn't looked after him once, not even taken him for a walk etc yet has a cot in her bedroom at home she looks after SIL baby so much does overnight stats etc. Oldest sister also has no relationship with baby,stopped coming to visit us and met him maybe 5 times.
MIL is away on holiday at the moment and this is when things have come to a head. She has posted a picture of SIL baby captioned 'miss you so much il see you when I get back'. Because of the build up of the other events this infuriated me and rather petty I know I have left a comment on the photo saying 'have you forgot ur other two grandchild' MIL has then private messaged me saying that is not the case and I am out of order for the comment, I responded again explaining how I feel my children are getting pushed out and why. No response from MIL however 30 mins later SIL removes me from family WhatsApp group and messages my husband all guns blazing about how I'm a terrible person and he shouldn't let me speak to MIL like that. I admit the comment on the picture was sarcastic and i shud have gone to MIL directly but other than that iv been polite and simply explained how I felt and why.
SIL has then sent me a load of abuse so I have blocked her so not to argue further.
Turns out oldest sister has been upset since my conversation with MIL regarding childcare and has basically cut off my children since even though it did not involve her at all and clearly didn't bother MIL enough for her to even respond.
Husband is upset but knows why I reacted the way I did his response is always just 'it was always going to happen when my sister had a baby she's the favourite' but to me that's not good enough.
I am fearsley protective of my children and won't see them being treated as second best. AIBU for pulling her on this behaviour, should I have just kept quiet? Starting to think I have now opened a huge can of worms that maybe should have been left? What would you have done?
Thanks for reading

I'd actively take a big step back from her and the sisters, no point in chasing after something they're not willing to do. They clearly stick together so spend more time with your own mum and step mum, write about that on FB and see if your MIL notices!
Good luck, low contact / withdrawal is kind of your only opinion in the short term anyway

He will be taking the children to visit and he will be taking a card and flowers for her birthday. He is going there for her birthday not specifically to talk about the situation however as the oldest sister lives there and the youngest sister is also most likely to be there I'm sure the topic will crop up.

You should behave like an adult and go to your MIL’s birthday together with your dh and children. That might mend things better than sending your dh there to sort your shit out.

Honestly op I would just ignore all the spiteful people on this thread. You were wrong to post what you did on Facebook, it's not the right way of dealing with things. However, people are completely ignoring the fact that your mother in law posted how her eldest daughter and unborn grandchild were the most precious things in the world to her. That's hardly the height of maturity from her herself. People are also ignoring the fact that your husband admits his sister is the favourite.

Half the people in this thread openly believe that having favourite children and grandchildren is normal, acceptable and nothing should ever be said to rock the boat.

Personally I wouldn't go grovelling to the woman.

Actually she said her eldest grandchild (OP’s child) and her unborn daughters baby were the most important things in the world to her.

OP was upset as she forgot her unborn child. Maybe it literally was a genuine mistake, and her MIL just forgot she was pregnant. She included OPs other child so probably was just a mistake.

Oh ok I read that wrong. I still think that the mil is almost as bad posting lovey dovey messages all over Facebook and pushing the ops children out.

Yeah, I just can't understand how, after everything MIL has done for the OP, she must assume the worst and make the worst possible interpretation of all of MIL's words and actions. I think if I had had that much help from anyone, I'd at least try to see them with kinder eyes.

In my opinion DH also has some jealously issues with the sister so the fact the younger sister was “golden child” was already planted in OPs head the second she found out the sister was pregnant.

I think if MIL had carried on with childcare on tap though at OPS request all of this of would have been fine and dandy.

I don’t agree with how you handled it op but favouritism sucks and needs nipping in the bud.

I remember growing up and it was always my cousins who got the trips away, the holidays, treats and trips to gran and grandads while I got hand broken stuff grabbed from the secondhand shop as a last resort. My cousins once got tins of Quality Street while I got a jar of opened chocolate spread. My cousins went to Rhodes, I just got a half hearted trip to the park

As I grew older I started to question it and was made out to be spiteful, ungrateful and just plain mad at one point. When my grandparents died my cousins got hundreds of thousands of pounds in inheritance. I got nothing. I didn’t actually want anything but it was interesting to see my aunts, uncles and parents scrabbling over the will to see if my name was in any appendices. I just laughed, said ‘I told you so’, called them all a bunch of bastards for not sticking up for me and walked away. Not spoken to most of them in decades.

This really isn't true. Not for decent loving parents/grandparents. It's not your daughters children and your daughter in laws, it's your daughters children and your sons children.

I honestly don't know of any grandparents who favour their daughters children over their sons. None.

I'd suggest your DH avoid it today. Make a fuss of her then ignore the whole thing happened today unless she brings it up. I'd advise him to tell his siblings (if they bring it up) that it has nothing to do with them and he will speak to his mum about it at an appropriate time when it is not her party/birthday.

Then maybe tomorrow/Monday he should message her and say, "It was lovely seeing you mum. Perhaps we can chat about user1489320949 and the kids if you're free some time this week, in person. I'd really like to get this out in the open and resolve it."

My DH has put up with a lot of favouritism over the years. His father passed away 5 years ago, on the anniversary of his death DH and his mum and our oldest child went on an overnight trip to the seaside to take his mind off this as I was at a friend's weddings. During the trip SIL called MIL to say she needed someone to let her dog out as she was on an afternoon out and had just presumed MIL would be available to do it. MIL left the trip with DH and travelled 2 hrs home to tend to SIL dog. If there is any jealousy there it is more than justified.

DH has called MIL to wish her happy birthday and arrange a time to visit
She has asked if she can come to our house later today to talk about what happened. Seems she's not as upset by the fact its her birthday as most of the posters on here are!

Maybe she thought a phone call was all she was getting off your DH on her birthday.

Sounds like a good thing she’s willing to talk then OP, maybe she’s not the awful person you’ve made her out to be.

If you read the post it states he called her to wish her happy birthday and arrange a time to visit her

I get where you're coming from Op - it's the hurt on behalf of your DCs that's upsetting you. Commenting on Facebook is never good though & id agree with your earlier suggestion that you focus on your own family & leave DHs family to him.

Hopefully if your MIL comes round today, you will be able to clear the air, but don't count on it.

So MIL treated her children unequally and now she’s doing the same with her grandchildren? I think that’s wrong and will be hurtful to your kids when they realise.

I would stop making any effort to meet her and focus on spending time with kinder relatives and friends. Don’t allow MIL to make your kids feel inferior to their cousin(s).

It's awful and sexist.

I can't bear favouritism between siblings and it sounds more to do with that than the gender of the MiL's child. She just prefers her younger daughter and therefore by extension her children. While she may not be obliged to offer you childcare any longer, to drop your child from any kind of special time with her or posting divisive FB messages is horrible.

I don't either, it's extremely odd. The only times would be if MIL doesn't see sons children much due to a nasty DIL, even then I don't think there is less love, just the bind might not be as strong due to lack of contact

Please tell me your DH doesn't do their painting & gardening.

@ifIwerenotanandroid not this time….so far!

He has done in the past!

During lockdown, during the first few months when over 70’s were first told to isolate, it was DH & I who did their shopping, 15 miles each way, as they didn’t trust their once favoured DS with their cash! Even though he lives 10 paces from them!

It’s a long story and what that deserves it’s own thread!

How did it go @user1489320949?

Did MIL come over?

NC but @user1489320949 your absolutely right to feel the way you do. And sometimes small things become big things. I'm in same scenario two grandchildren born 6 months apart and huge favouritism. Atm we have agreed to try and just enjoy time we have when we do see them but lately it feels its always us bringing grandchild to event they are already going too with rest of family so they see them. So we are slowly backing off. My DH felt like black sheep in family and now my child is becoming that the other grandchildren are golden. We are not prepared to let our child see that their cousins are favoured by grandparents so as they gets older and is more aware, and mentions any thing about their cousins being favoured/seeing grandparents more we will be stepping massively. But it's always a small thing on top of everything else that blows up and you look like the irrational people!

MIL visited. Brought along youngest SIL and her daughter! I apologised about comment on Facebook post, she apologised about posting it in first place, states she was on holiday and had had a few drinks or wouldn't have posted it in first place and could see how it could be taken as favouritism! Air cleared for now, we will see what the future holds although as iv said I will definitely be staying out of things from now on and this post has made me realise the inevitable that my MIL will always be closer to SIL children as she is closer to SIL and no amount of comments from me will change that.

Best and most sensible outcome in the circumstances, OP. Kudos to you for being big enough to break the ice with an apology, and to her for responding in kind.

It's also wise to adjust your expectations and your responses accordingly. You're right, you can't change anything, so as long as the relationship is beneficial to your children you are better off accepting - as you have done - that 'it is what it is', not what you'd necessarily choose.

Relationships with grandparents are usually beneficial to children. Not always. You alone know where that line is drawn.

Good luck, and thank you for updating despite some of the harsh comments you've received.