Aibu to fall out with in laws over them favouriting SIL child over mine

[user1489320949]

Just looking for some perspective on whether I am being unreasonable to mother in law about clear favouritism to grandchild.
My oldest child is 5. He was the first grandchild so the apple of everyone's eye, always spending time with my husbands family they have been great with him, helped me massively with Childcare when I returned to work after having him etc no problems there at all. My husband has an older sister and a younger sister. The younger sister has always been put on a pedalstool by his mum and treated differently however iv kept my mouth closed regarding that no matter how annoying as its not my business.
Last year youngest SIL became pregnant and I became pregnant again shortly after. This is when cracks began to appear and already MIL much more interested in SIL unborn baby than our child. I once saw a comment mum in law had put on Facebook saying the most precious things in her life were my oldest child and her daughters unborn baby, no mention of the child I was carrying too!
When babies arrived things got slowly worse. MIL started to see my oldest boy less and did things such as returning toys she had for him at her house, she even gave us bedding she had kept on the spare bed in her house he slept in saying she didnt need it anymore! On another occasion we were visiting MIL and she said SIL was going to be visiting with her baby who wasn't well, I mentioned the babies shudnt really be together if ones poorly and MIL stated we would need to leave then! Various things like this have happened far too many to list.
A few months ago I had a conversation with MIL about childcare when I go back to work I was hoping she cud have my baby 1 day a week and help with oldest in school hols (she's semi retired) her reply was she had already arranged to look after SIL baby but she would help me occasionally if she could. I was hurt by this as she had always been more than willing to help with oldest boy before so sent a message saying so, I wasn't rude at all just just explained how I felt that SIL baby was taking priority and I was upset by it etc. I never had a response to message and she never broached the subject in person. I arranged alternative childcare. Things like this continued and we've got to the point were by baby is 9 months old and she hasn't looked after him once, not even taken him for a walk etc yet has a cot in her bedroom at home she looks after SIL baby so much does overnight stats etc. Oldest sister also has no relationship with baby,stopped coming to visit us and met him maybe 5 times.
MIL is away on holiday at the moment and this is when things have come to a head. She has posted a picture of SIL baby captioned 'miss you so much il see you when I get back'. Because of the build up of the other events this infuriated me and rather petty I know I have left a comment on the photo saying 'have you forgot ur other two grandchild' MIL has then private messaged me saying that is not the case and I am out of order for the comment, I responded again explaining how I feel my children are getting pushed out and why. No response from MIL however 30 mins later SIL removes me from family WhatsApp group and messages my husband all guns blazing about how I'm a terrible person and he shouldn't let me speak to MIL like that. I admit the comment on the picture was sarcastic and i shud have gone to MIL directly but other than that iv been polite and simply explained how I felt and why.
SIL has then sent me a load of abuse so I have blocked her so not to argue further.
Turns out oldest sister has been upset since my conversation with MIL regarding childcare and has basically cut off my children since even though it did not involve her at all and clearly didn't bother MIL enough for her to even respond.
Husband is upset but knows why I reacted the way I did his response is always just 'it was always going to happen when my sister had a baby she's the favourite' but to me that's not good enough.
I am fearsley protective of my children and won't see them being treated as second best. AIBU for pulling her on this behaviour, should I have just kept quiet? Starting to think I have now opened a huge can of worms that maybe should have been left? What would you have done?
Thanks for reading

You won’t like my reply but I would just keep both the children away from her and your sil .
If she doesn’t needs them or cares about them now she has her golden child baby then why are you enforcing it ? Your kids deserve better . Stop putting them in a position where they will feel left out .

This. I agree usually (not always!) that mothers are closer with their daughters. Daughters do more with their mums, spend more time with them, have more incommon and just genrally have a closer bond. So it might not be that your MIL prefers her daughters grandkids over yours but her daughters may have a closer bond with her than your son does. They might go round to see her more often, make more effort, etc

You've had 5 years free childcare and seem very entitled. Not surprised the two daughters are not happy with you OP.

Maybe have a good think how you've actually treated your MIL over the years, she's done a lot for you and you don't seem very grateful. Have you treated her like childcare on tap or a valued grandparent? Seems maybe MIL is not happy with your behaviour.

WTF

She has doted on her grandchild for 5 years and now that she can’t guarantee that she’s able to have him and the new baby once a week and through the holidays you think the OP should stop contact?!

Wow.

Your post says about to fall out. But you have already fallen out.
Criticising people in public on Facebook may be momentarily satisfying but it puts you in the wrong. You've lost the higher ground.

I do sympathise for how you feel but about this. But you have handled it badly and now what is your plan moving forward?

IMHO All you can do now, if you really want to fix this situation, is apologise to MIL. Send a bouquet of flowers if you want to break the ice but can't face a faceoff. That may give her time to soften and then meet up.

Your MIL maybe feels that she has already offered you lots of favours for the last five years and was probably very upset to be criticised in public - had you said any of this face to face before?

You talk about being fiercely protective of your DC... but this is not a case for fierce protection - she's not trying to harm them - and sounds like its more about you campaigning for their rights or actually your rights to be treated the same as everyone else.
Look at it rationally and consider how much give and take in reality there was between you and Mil during the five years she helped you. Stop comparing yourself to the SILs and lower your expectations of future help. The fact is that her collection of grandchildren is growing and that means there will be less of her to go around. Its doubtful that the MIL was trying to intentionally offend you - she's just trying to help her Daughters. And she's already helped you.

Sorry OP. As I said it's very difficult for you if you have these feelings and hard to quash them, but you are making it much more difficult for yourself in the long run, by setting up a comparison between the SILs dcs and your own. It won't help any of them. Do you really want a long term feud? How will that benefit your DC. Give it up. Lower your expectations and focus on your own family unit. She sounds like she's been a nice, helpful and involved MIL up to this point so this is a relationship worth salvaging for your DC's sakes. There's just no need for all this fighting.
And your DH should work on this too. Supporting you and trying to repair the relationships.

What a lot of drama. I wouldn't have sent a text like that and I definitely wouldn't have posted on Facebook. Everyone reading that comment will be eye rolling.
It's too much drama and it's unpleasant. What were you trying to achieve?

I think you've cut your nose to spite your face.

As a mother you are always going to feel closer to your daughter’s children than your son’s? Awful. Just an awful way of looking at things.

I think the FB comment was a huge mistake. Also you got 5 year’s childcare so now it’s SIL’s turn. Just back away and stop making an effort if you keep feeling this way.

This. Such a stupid thing to do.

And why do you all think you’re entitled to free childcare? You come across as petty and quite selfish tbh.

why? because as pp mentioned and as we see on mn in countless ways daughters are way more likely than sons to keep up a relationship with their mother / parents as an adult, are more likely to (have to) provide care when they are elderly etc etc.

While the sons? well their wives send the mother's day cards etc etc etc

She can keep in contact in other ways than just when she needs free childcare. For example she can also offer to help her mil out with other things. But op has fucked all that up now. Not just one relationship but several. I don’t blame them.

I think it's really sad that it's largely accepted that daughters and their children will ultimately be the favourite. In our case my husband has done so much for his parents and for his sister over the years. They always approach dh for favours but they wrap his sister in cotton wool.

Op has lost credibility because of posting on FB which is always a mistake.

It's really upsetting when your children get pushed out in favour of new grandchildren.

It’s not shocking, it’s actually been proven that children are closer to their maternal than paternal grandparents. I was only reading an article about it the other day. It makes sense to me. Have you seen the amount of MIL bashing on this website? It’s surely natural to be closer to your daughter than your DIL and women still the majority of childcare.

My MIL a has been dreadful with my dd whilst being lovely to her other granddaughter. To the extent she would tell her other granddaughter in front of my daughter she was the most beautiful girl in the world. Told my daughter she wasn’t as bright the list goes on and on. I will never forgive her. My daughter now just and only just tolerates her. It’s a terrible thing really and makes me cross and sad to this day.

I was empathetic regarding how hurt you are, OP, in regard to your children appearing to be 'lesser' now in MIL's eyes.

However, that empathy evaporated when you descended into Jeremy Kyle territory on FB.

A massive bouquet for your MIL accompanied by a genuine/sincere apology might allow bridges to be rebuilt.

That apology, though, does need to be genuine and come from much soul-searching prompted by the sensible responses given to you on this thread.

Good luck.

I think everyone is being unreasonable here.

Her favouritism sounds strange and nasty, but at the same time, you are incredibly forward with your PIL. I would never dream of doing any of these things, asking them for childcare, sending messages about being disappointed in them, passive aggressive messages on SM... these are all things I would leave to my DP or at least consult him about. They're HIS family. The way you talk sounds more like the kind of fall outs you might have with your own.

I think you need to step back, leave them to your DH to deal with. Chances are you've burnt your bridges with them now and they will not like you, but perhaps that will be no great loss if their favouritism is overt as you say.

Similar issues here. We had the first grandchild, very spoiled. Then we and BIL had girls at the same time. PILs dote on BIL’s daughter and ignore our kids now.

They’ve made some comment to the effect that our DC1 got lots of attention when he was little so they want to give that to their son’s child now. Which would kind of make sense in a warped way other than our DC2 doesn’t get a look in. They’ve hardly ever seen her. They try to make out they’re being fair but it’s just favouritism of BIL taking over now he’s produced a child.

And fwiw they also have a daughter with kids, but it’s their second son whose grandchild is the favourite.

I totally know how you feel. When my DS was little it used to really bother me that my MIL so clearly favoured my SIL's DD, but it doesn't really bother me anymore now that my DC's are teenagers. When our kids were little, I used to cry about it frequently, my MIL made it so obvious that she loved one grandchild more than my DC's. I actually think MIL enjoyed her grandkids having to compete for her affection.

At the time it upset me so much that we had to distance ourselves from her. Now that the kids are older she is trying to be part of their lives again, but the kids are teenagers now and have their own lives.

You can’t compare your relationship with your MIL to your SIL relationship with her mother. You will never be regarded as the same as her. You have no idea what went on in the years before you came on the scene. Me and my Mum have always been super close her and my brother less so, my parents have accepted his wife and we all get on, but do I take priority over my SIL? Yeah I probably do. Rather than just accept this is the way things are in a lot of families, you seem to have just stirred everything up. Just accept, you have had your nose pushed out because you enjoyed having the first grandchild and now you have second dibs on free childcare. You’ve bit your nose off to spite your face.

Yeah I was extremely close to my maternal grandparents growing up, even though my dads parents lived literally up the street. I had a more formal relationship with them where as my Nan and I were extremely close till she passed.

So what is the point of even trying to make an effort with your in laws? If they are going to sideline you and your children anyway.

Ok, secretly glad only my BIL has children based on some of these horrible comments.

My MIL does free childcare for my in laws and none for us, as we live further away. We do it ourselves. I’d never dream of being rude to MIL about it if she had done 5 years for us like you had. You need to apologize and your husband should also be speaking to his mum and encouraging a grandparent relationship, not driving wedges.

I also wouldn’t expect MIL to have said no to other GC visiting and we would leave if worried about illness.

I had twins in my late 30's and found looking after them hard work. If I was in my 50's or 60's I would think twice or 100 times before agreeing to look after somebody else's two babies and a five year old.

When does this still working MIL get allowed time to herself?

Of course she’s not going to post about your unborn child - she posted about your eldest and her other grandchild because she knows them and loves them, she didn’t know your unborn child because it wasn’t born.

OP said this:

I once saw a comment mum in law had put on Facebook saying the most precious things in her life were my oldest child and her daughters unborn baby, no mention of the child I was carrying too!

A bit odd to mention one unborn and not the other when she knows OP is pregnant too. MIL hadn’t met her unborn daughter’s baby either.

Agree, it’s not weird and sexist, it’s obviously not every relationship but it’s the majority. It’s because many mothers bond wiht and support their daughters as they go through the process of pregnancy and pushing out a baby and caring for a newborn. The additional bonding wiht the baby is a side effect. My very loving mil who does a lot for the grandchildren was so excited to meet my first. She would take him off me and not give him back. My own mother in those first days would wash dishes and slice my steak into little bits and direct my husband and dad to get things done and held my baby … when I offered. She supported me to parent. It’s a very common pattern, and often leads to feeling closer to the gc.

I can understand that you are upset that your child seems to be missing out, but I do think you are being unreasonable. Perhaps your MiL only has the capacity to look after one child and as she has looked after yours for 5 years she thinks it's only fair to support her daughter now and she did say she would help out if she could.
In any case it was totally unreasonable of you to post on her Facebook page I'm not surprised she and your sisters in law are unhappy.