Aibu to fall out with in laws over them favouriting SIL child over mine

[user1489320949]

Just looking for some perspective on whether I am being unreasonable to mother in law about clear favouritism to grandchild.
My oldest child is 5. He was the first grandchild so the apple of everyone's eye, always spending time with my husbands family they have been great with him, helped me massively with Childcare when I returned to work after having him etc no problems there at all. My husband has an older sister and a younger sister. The younger sister has always been put on a pedalstool by his mum and treated differently however iv kept my mouth closed regarding that no matter how annoying as its not my business.
Last year youngest SIL became pregnant and I became pregnant again shortly after. This is when cracks began to appear and already MIL much more interested in SIL unborn baby than our child. I once saw a comment mum in law had put on Facebook saying the most precious things in her life were my oldest child and her daughters unborn baby, no mention of the child I was carrying too!
When babies arrived things got slowly worse. MIL started to see my oldest boy less and did things such as returning toys she had for him at her house, she even gave us bedding she had kept on the spare bed in her house he slept in saying she didnt need it anymore! On another occasion we were visiting MIL and she said SIL was going to be visiting with her baby who wasn't well, I mentioned the babies shudnt really be together if ones poorly and MIL stated we would need to leave then! Various things like this have happened far too many to list.
A few months ago I had a conversation with MIL about childcare when I go back to work I was hoping she cud have my baby 1 day a week and help with oldest in school hols (she's semi retired) her reply was she had already arranged to look after SIL baby but she would help me occasionally if she could. I was hurt by this as she had always been more than willing to help with oldest boy before so sent a message saying so, I wasn't rude at all just just explained how I felt that SIL baby was taking priority and I was upset by it etc. I never had a response to message and she never broached the subject in person. I arranged alternative childcare. Things like this continued and we've got to the point were by baby is 9 months old and she hasn't looked after him once, not even taken him for a walk etc yet has a cot in her bedroom at home she looks after SIL baby so much does overnight stats etc. Oldest sister also has no relationship with baby,stopped coming to visit us and met him maybe 5 times.
MIL is away on holiday at the moment and this is when things have come to a head. She has posted a picture of SIL baby captioned 'miss you so much il see you when I get back'. Because of the build up of the other events this infuriated me and rather petty I know I have left a comment on the photo saying 'have you forgot ur other two grandchild' MIL has then private messaged me saying that is not the case and I am out of order for the comment, I responded again explaining how I feel my children are getting pushed out and why. No response from MIL however 30 mins later SIL removes me from family WhatsApp group and messages my husband all guns blazing about how I'm a terrible person and he shouldn't let me speak to MIL like that. I admit the comment on the picture was sarcastic and i shud have gone to MIL directly but other than that iv been polite and simply explained how I felt and why.
SIL has then sent me a load of abuse so I have blocked her so not to argue further.
Turns out oldest sister has been upset since my conversation with MIL regarding childcare and has basically cut off my children since even though it did not involve her at all and clearly didn't bother MIL enough for her to even respond.
Husband is upset but knows why I reacted the way I did his response is always just 'it was always going to happen when my sister had a baby she's the favourite' but to me that's not good enough.
I am fearsley protective of my children and won't see them being treated as second best. AIBU for pulling her on this behaviour, should I have just kept quiet? Starting to think I have now opened a huge can of worms that maybe should have been left? What would you have done?
Thanks for reading

Can't your own mum help with childcare? I think most mums will be closer to their daughters kids than their sons, the dynamic is different, she loves her daughter and is going to put her before you who are merely a daughter in law who married into the family. You were used to your child being the only grandchild and so everyone fussed, her daughter had a baby too so she's going to make a fuss of her. There's always less excitement around a second child than a 1st child anyway, her daughter was pregnant with her first so is going to be showered in attention, much like I'm sure you were 1st time around.

You need to stop with the silly messages etc, your mil is not going to suddenly start providing childcare because you stamped your feet. As for other sil getting involved I wouldn't put up with you speaking to my mum how you are either, you'd get an earful if it was my mum too.

Posts like this make me sad! It seems MILs can NEVER win!

Yanbu to want the grandchildren to be treated equally but considering that sis2 is the favourite, it was inevitable that her children would become the favourite. I was reading your post and not surprised at all.

Yabu to raise the stakes with FB messages etc Let it go. sis2 has been favourite for decades and MIL was never going to suddenly change that was she ? As sad as it is- especially for your dc1, you need to let it go. It's not fair at all but she's not going to change. She was never going to have a sudden awakening that it's not reasonable. Sis1 and your h might have had a chance if they'd approached this issue years ago but the behaviour is too ingrained now.

@user1489320949 I totally understand where you're coming from, we have 3 DC bil has 5. My PIL would only invite my DC out if one of the 5 were with them for the day, they did everything for bil and his kids, took them shopping, babysat etc.
Our oldest is now 35 and one of bil's DD now has a 1 year old, it is all my MIL talks about - she sees them every day (neice is a single parent).
I honestly can't remember the last time MIL phoned one of my DC, if they didn't phone her there would be no contact.
She doesn't seem to have noticed I've gone no contact since Easter, it has taken me too long to remove myself from this, my DH passed away a few years ago and I guess we are even more the second family in her eyes.
Her loss though, my 3 DC are amazing young men now.

@babbscrabbs yes that all makes sense.
Personally I spend more time and feel much more relaxed around my own mum in comparison to DP's mum, so I guess by default my children see my mum way more than their other grandmother.

You seem to have got the time likes messed up. The kicking off happened after the dismissive behaviour towards the OPs dc. You seem to be implying that the MIL distances herself because of the kicking off

Sorry but this was your husbands place to speak to his own mother not yours.

This. I think you need to give your head a wobble OP.

YABU to post on Facebook, but I can relate to the feeling of being cast aside when SIL/BIL had kids.

My ILs moved 5 hours away to be near them, paid for their entire wedding (no contribution to ours), paid for loads of their holidays, house renovation etc. FIL helped my DH for a few days at his work and SIL had the audacity to complain to FIL we were the 'favourites' (because she wasn't being treated as number 1, like usual). BIL/SIL also never visited us for 8 years but we had to make the long trip to see them. ILs see their kids frequently, holiday together but seem happy enough to see my DC every couple of months. Well, it's not good enough MIL!!!!

It's honestly been horrendous and my SIL's entitlement is shocking. All you can do is accept it really else it eats you up.

But posting things about missing her one GC and ignoring the others is just shit

Wow! Try walking a mile in someone's shoes before making horrible comments about their life.

What a sad and common situation. It is unjust on the grandchildren and they can feel the rejection. The behavior of these types of relatives is abhorrent.

Wow lots to read through here!
Many people commenting on the lack of free childcare. That is most definitely not the issue. When I say my MIL helped with Childcare for eldest I was a shift worker then and she had him maybe twice a month as needed, wasnt a regular set arrangement and i didnt take the piss. Was always grateful when she had him and bought flowers, many personalised gifts etc to show appreciation. I have sorted alternative childcare for youngest baby, was just disappointed at the time at her lack of enthusiasm at having him compared to other grandchild.
I admit I have said things I shouldn't have said but they have come from a place of love for my own children as I don't ever want them to feel second best especially the eldest who is old enough to realise what's going on.
I will do what's been suggested by some and distance myself from the situation
Children have many other people in their lives who love them and I will stay out of it from now and leave it up to husband to encourage a relationship between kids and his family as he sees fit which is probably what I should have done in the first place but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Sorry for spelling mistakes in original post did not anticipate how vicious some members of this forum would be over spelling and grammar.
Thanks again for any helpful advice.

I think at the very least you should apologise for the fb comment and keep family matters off social media.

why? because as pp mentioned and as we see on mn in countless ways daughters are way more likely than sons to keep up a relationship with their mother / parents as an adult, are more likely to (have to) provide care when they are elderly etc etc.

While the sons? well their wives send the mother's day cards etc etc etc

See I think there's chicken and the egg sort of situations on this because I don't believe for one minute that the posters on the millions of threads here who are devestated at the idea of having a son don't parent their DC differently, and don't go on to have favourites if they get their precious girl that they really wanted. Do I think the sons of those women grow up having an equal relationship and bond with their mums as their sisters do? Not a chance because siblings are very good at picking up who the favourite is.

So it's hard surprising that some of those boys, having grown up with golden sisters and mothers who believe from birth it's inevitable that their sons will leave them for a wife and a daughter is theirs forever etc find that dynamic continues into adulthood.
It isn't inevitable that a mother would play favourites with her daughter's children Vs her son's children. It's a choice she makes, and likely one that has followed a relationship from childhood.

I think the OP's behaviour is unreasonable in this situation, but it does very much seem like this MIL has decided her son's children were worth the interest before her daughter has a child.

The same in my husbands family. My MIL said straight to my face that you love your daughters children more as you know you're properly related to them 🙄Thanks MIL he's still your grandson even if he looks nothing like his dad.

This in a nutshell

Sorry but you are being very unreasonable

My MIL has a favourite child. Her youngest daughter. Her two granddaughters, SILs kids, are the only ones she ever talks about. MIL has only met my son three times in three years. I’m fine with it. DS spends a lot of time with my mum & dad.

Your MIL put her time in with your eldest as far as childcare is concerned. She’s now doing the same for her daughter. Do you think she could mind two babies? I don’t think so. My MIL did her time already, childminding her eldest grandson years ago.

Do not apologize for saying the truth. That may have been the only time someone told the truth to mil and sil. Mil on purpose excluded your children in her FB post and ignored your several attempts before that to speak to her privately. Your children are worth standing up for and protecting.

My mum definitely has a different relationship with my younger sisters children -I don't think intentionally at all, she is a fantastic granny, but she seems to have naturally gravitated more towards them. Probably because my sister and her are closer (sister visits more as she is a SAHM). To be honest it doesn't really matter to me, that's life. It's not an unfair relationship as such; I don't add up the childcare and outings etc because it's silly. My mum still loves my kids.
I actually feel a bit sorry for you MIL in this situation. Semi retired and expected to babysit everyone's kids constantly on her days off. The Facebook post you made was a really bad idea and has very likely caused more damage. FIL used to do that to DH after their relationship broke down and all it did was cause DH to back off more until there was no coming back from it and they were NC when FIL passed away.
My advice would be to apologise for the post, say it was done in the heat of the moment and leave it at that. You can't force someone into caring more. She knows how you feel, balls in her court with regards to her relationship with DS.

I’m too young for grandchildren yet but honestly I think I’ll favour my daughters children over my sons, I think you was lucky and should be grateful for the free childcare you did get and leave it at that. My kids are the favourites on my side of the family and don’t get any help from dh’s side.

This exactly. It's a chicken and egg situation.

I know for a fact my pil favour their dd. They have more or less said so many times. Mil would rave about having a daughter to do girly things with and even boasted about how she let relatives without girls 'borrow' her dd.

I have noticed more and more over the years how pil gift their dd money, nip round and do nice things like cut her grass, wash her windows, wash her car. She can do no wrong but they are so critical of dh, it's very sad.

Now of course all of that is transferred to the grandchildren.

What's the point of making an effort? If we invite pil out they have to check what dd and dgc are doing first.

Apparently that's all normal and acceptable.

I also agree with this. You have brought this on yourself. She provided you with support in the early years and you seem to think this was an entitlement that should continue, and when it didn't you were exceedingly offensive in your comments, and became more so when she didn't respond to your rudeness. Your SIL is having her first child, it's a nerve-wracking experience the first time, and this is HER mum - the mother /daughter bond. And you seem to think that you should be up on a pedestal (not pedalstool) right up there. This is not being protective of your children. It is being totally self-centred. Nobody is harming your children except yourself.

YABU. You do not seem to be able to understand than when other kids come along the GPs love and time now needs sharing. You sound so entitled. I am not surprised they have fallen out with you. The only thing in your posts that I'd be pissed off about is the Facebook posts about 1 child and not the rest, but that's probably more a reflection on the tension you've caused by acting the way you have. You've got absolutely no right messaging her telling her you are disappointed! It's so cheeky!!

Wow. You are openly admitting you will favour your daughters children.

This thread is a real eye opener.