DH (33!) has no common sense

[HeadacheEarthquake]

Exhibit A - friend and I plan to have bbq last Sunday afternoon after a long theatre rehearsal 1hr away ending at 3pm. DH decides to light bbq and put expensive steaks I purchased on for 40 minutes as soon as we text to say we are on our way. We arrive to shrunken rubber meat biscuits.

B - Cat indoors for a week on meds. Cat has always disliked litter tray but used when needed. DH moves tray to middle of downstairs bathroom and cat boy kicks litter all over batbroom. Have asked him to clean it and it's been three days, with bathroom out of use for me and my clients as I refuse to sweep and change it if it is in the middle of the room as opposed to corner where it was. Have now at midnight had to do it as cleaner coming tomorrow and would not wish there to be doing Cat litter all over bathroom.

C- DH Made "salad" yesterday and gave me the tummy rots as tried to put "olive oil" on the salad like I do sometimes. Actually used Olivio which is vegetable oil with a dash of olive. Whole salad greasy covered in veg oil and inedible. Waste of money.

These are only a few small examples but he cannot see or think ahead and I cannot cope. Anyone else with me here with a well meaning but witless DH

It's the second word in the thread title.

How frightening, op. At first it seemed like learned elective incompetence - then as you elaborated it became clear something is wrong. Tip of the iceberg.

You've mentioned ADHD in the family, martial arts, black eye (ie head injuries are likely) and that so much of the little things you're noticing are recent.

Difficulty thinking, mangling words, forgetting things, getting worse at things.

I don't think ADHD comes on, so there's something else in play.

Has his manager noticed anything? They wouldn't speak to you about it but he would benefit from a frank 1-1 with them.

Keep notes of everything you've noticed - not as criticisms or exasperation as first appeared, but as case notes for the doctor.

All the very best - hope he gets help.

I've had very similar symptoms for the last year.

I have ADHD so I'm fairly flaky anyway, but I've gotten much worse. I can't remember words, or my mouth just comes out with a garbled mess instead of a word, or a different word entirely. I'm struggling a bit to write this post because I can't remember how to spell things, and even if I can remember the spelling, my fingers type the wrong letters. I seem to fuck up everything I try to do. I can't remember anything. I forgot how to drive around roundabouts the other day, as I was stopped at a roundabout. I thought I was developing dementia.

My GP sent me to the MAU for assessment for it the other day and the consultant reckons it's my diabetes - my blood sugar has been very high for a long time and it's starting to affect the blood supply to my brain. So that's another possible option.

He really, really needs to take this seriously. And you really need to go with him to make sure he doesn't downplay it - my DH would do that to, and in this situation I'd go with him.

I don't imagine many people would be happy going halves on a flat with their ex, especially one that resented them so much. Tell the dude how you feel and give him an opportunity to leave, he only has a responsibilty to house himself and provide for his kids, not you but as a single mum you'd be entitled to housing benefit etc. Less of the quiet resentment and give the guy an opportunity to be with someone that actually likes em

Have you read the full thread, @YeahIsaidit ?

Yes I was replying to a different poster not the OP. In Ops case I absolutely agree that the guy needs to see a doctor as it seems like some kind of cognitive issue brought about by stress and perhaps undiagnosed ND issues

The OP says the manager has put him on leave so whatever this is it’s bad enough and noticeable enough at work that the manager thinks he’s incapable of doing his job.

Has he had covid more than once?

Bizarrely - we have both never knowingly had covid, not once. We are the only people we know who have not had it.

Most likely you’ve both had it but asymptomatic. Covid changes the brain so it’s something to watch out for. Otherwise, unusual amount of stress can do odd things too.

I thought this. Brain fog after covid is definitely a thing.

Because he kept moving the bloody tray back and I gave up for my sanity. Likewise with sweeping it and asking him to keep it tidy. The cat didn't use it once, just kicked all the litter out trying to use it but was unable to go. Its been in that corner, sometimes used, mostly notnot, for nearly 3 years.

I find this so upsetting. If he doesn't clean up the litter, who does?
Probably projecting, but when things are left I find it massively disrespectful.

I'm assuming DH hasn't had a mini stroke (can go unnoticed) or perhaps is on the spectrum? I know two people who are utterly chaos in very similar ways to your husband and while they are frustrating, it's not their fault as it's autism related. If he keeps doing things like this though it might be worth getting him a GP appointment as if it's gotten worse lately could actually be something that needs addressing.

With the amount of autism in his family, I'm definitely leaning towards him being higher on the scale than he will admit. He masks well.

The autistic burnout sounds like the most likely but I need him to accept his ND and make steps to manage it. I am hoping to hell its not something more sinister

Not outrageous but about £20 worth of steak. Which is more than I can afford regularly on an actor's wage

Bloody hell, some of the comments about this poor man - you’d think he’d burnt the house down.

honestly OP I can think of a lot worse things than the 3 examples you have listed.

I pray this man never tries to put a wash load on in fear of him accidentally adding a black sock to a white wash.

I know you got the shits from the Olivio but don’t think it’s a reason to unleash him to the claws of mumsnet

When exactly, looking back at the timeline of events, would you say he went from low to average man-competent to the brain injured levels of issues?

There is worse.

Very below average usual man incompetence for most of our 10 year relationship- very equal in the chores, careers and mental load, hence why I married him (of course all the other reasons like love, fun, friendship, attraction, best mates)

I'd say truly since January-ish it's escalated faster than I was prepared for.

Hope he'll get a doctor's appointment very soon. And don't be dismissed - write down EVERYTHING you've noted, especially that it's started in January. Would you be able to go along too? Sometimes the patient themselves doesn't have the observations that family, friends and colleagues have had.

When did he last have Covid? Covid is known for micro blood clots, and the risk of them is elevated for quite a while after getting it. Is it possible he's having mini-strokes? Sorry, i don't mean to panic you, but you did say his behavior has changed recently.

Sounds like my FIL and he got diagnosed with lewy body dementia. It started off slow and for 2 years he declined in forgetfulness and being snappy and showing up places too early or too late and having more accidents and then he had a fall and they managed to diagnose him.

This is my husband. He is lovely, sweet and very hard working but completely incompetent with basic day to day obvious tasks. He is a doctor too so it's not even like he isn't smart. He's very very intelligent but will:

• Put the oven on cooling mode instead of cooking mode.
• NOT light the BBQ because he was waiting for me to tell him 1.5hrs after guests are here.
• Attempt to take 2 kids under 2 out at 8pm to a destination 20 mins away and assume we can get back home for 9pm.

Sometimes I wonder if it's because he's gotten so used to being so passive with me as the "bossy" wife. Equally I am sure I am always telling him what to do to the exact detail because he just does it wrong otherwise.

Well ... Opposites attract I guess?