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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

866 replies

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:19

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

OP posts:
BookLover7777 · 21/06/2023 18:43

BretonBlue · 21/06/2023 18:41

Out of interest, when did you buy your first house in London?

Mid 40s. Owned a big three-bed garden flat before that, which we upgraded to from a one-bed.

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:44

Rubbish, a combined salary of £80k in London is not comfortable or doing well.

It can be, completely depends on if & when you bought...

TheOrigRights · 21/06/2023 18:44

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:07

Having children doesn't mean giving up your aspirations to have a good job

No, but it's very hard to juggle everything particularly once they are in school unless you have very flexible jobs/nanny/family support.

On 160K I think they will be able to afford whatever childcare suits them.

Hotsummerlatenightstrolls · 21/06/2023 18:44

Good luck to you

Itsbeennice · 21/06/2023 18:44

BookLover7777 · 21/06/2023 18:39

As someone who owns a three-bed house in north London and lives off that combined salary with my partner, I can assure you it is. And we're doing very well and are very comfortable, thank you very much. We have more than enough to get by on, our teen is thriving and, guess what, we're happy because we don't work round the clock.

How on Earth do you afford that with mortgage repayments which must be through the roof (unless you managed to overpay at some point?)
Well jel!

pollykitty · 21/06/2023 18:45

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:28

We are both very driven people, and share a goal of wanting to get onto the property ladder, and to travel the world. So this requires more than an average salary unfortunately.

He earn £40k a year rather than £80-100k in another job. In London, 40k doesn't go that far.

At first I thought you sounded a bit money obsessed but I would be annoyed by this too. If he is highly qualified, 40K is rubbish. I made 40K 15 years ago based in Manchester. Not bragging, just agreeing with you!

MollysBrolly · 21/06/2023 18:45

Does the happiness of your husband count more than his monthly take home pay?
maybe he wants to do the Masters and this way he gets it funded.

BretonBlue · 21/06/2023 18:45

BookLover7777 · 21/06/2023 18:43

Mid 40s. Owned a big three-bed garden flat before that, which we upgraded to from a one-bed.

I wasn’t clear - what year did you buy your first London property?

YeahIsaidit · 21/06/2023 18:45

TheSnowyOwl · 21/06/2023 17:41

He doesn’t actually sound that career driven to me then. More of a perpetual student which isn’t attractive. If you don’t have children and you don’t share the same goals in life, I’d be leaving and finding someone else.

He doesn't want a higher paying job so leave?! Christ spot the gold diggers

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:46

@TheOrigRights which is what I said..

TheSnowyOwl · 21/06/2023 18:46

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:34

It's not materialistic, in London to buy a home without parental help you need two huge salaries. This DH decision could mean they won't be able to afford to buy

They can borrow at least 4.5 x their income which is a budget of 720k, they can defo afford to buy.

Although that might be an issue if there are lots of student loans on both sides to pay. I can’t imagine someone who just wants to endlessly play the student card was keen to work through university to leave without debt.

Outofthepark · 21/06/2023 18:46

OP what does he do? Are you sure he could jump from a 40k to a 100k job realistically?

karmakameleon · 21/06/2023 18:46

TheOrigRights · 21/06/2023 18:44

On 160K I think they will be able to afford whatever childcare suits them.

A full time nanny in London would be paid approximately £50k a year. The total cost to the employer would be more. This is more than the DH earns so not affordable for them.

HerMammy · 21/06/2023 18:47

A 4th Masters? come on; now he's an eternal student, he needs to get a grip.

ThanksItHasPockets · 21/06/2023 18:47

YeahIsaidit · 21/06/2023 18:45

He doesn't want a higher paying job so leave?! Christ spot the gold diggers

It’s not gold-digging when you earn your own money, and it’s reasonable to want to share your goals with your partner.

BookLover7777 · 21/06/2023 18:47

Itsbeennice · 21/06/2023 18:44

How on Earth do you afford that with mortgage repayments which must be through the roof (unless you managed to overpay at some point?)
Well jel!

Nope, not through the roof at all. We saved really hard and we had a flat for a few years before we bought it that enabled us to do that. Our house is now worth £1m and we live very nicely in it on our 'paltry' £80k a year. I find it baffling that you're only considered a success in London if you earn 100k+ each.

ZenNudist · 21/06/2023 18:48

The only career you can control is your own. If you want to work long hours for high pay, all good, well done.

Your DH is working and apparently happy. Let him sort his own career out.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 18:48

YeahIsaidit · 21/06/2023 18:45

He doesn't want a higher paying job so leave?! Christ spot the gold diggers

Sounds like that could potentially be OP's husband.

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:49

@TheSnowyOwl obviously any debt will impact their budget but the op didn't mention any.

TheSnowyOwl · 21/06/2023 18:49

BookLover7777 · 21/06/2023 18:39

As someone who owns a three-bed house in north London and lives off that combined salary with my partner, I can assure you it is. And we're doing very well and are very comfortable, thank you very much. We have more than enough to get by on, our teen is thriving and, guess what, we're happy because we don't work round the clock.

But did you buy that as your first house, in the current cost of living/mortgage crisis, before having children and did you choose to have one child for financial reasons or do you have another/others who are older?

MrsSamR · 21/06/2023 18:50

Does sound as though you being the breadwinner and your husband a SAHD is the obvious solution if either of you would be happy with that?

Bleuuuughhh · 21/06/2023 18:50

Horses for courses. Not picky as long as they are good in the sack.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 21/06/2023 18:50

YeahIsaidit · 21/06/2023 18:45

He doesn't want a higher paying job so leave?! Christ spot the gold diggers

Nothing wrong with wanting a partner in life that shares your goals. Some people want a high flying career and the income that comes with that. OP thought her DH wanted that as well as he said so, his actions tell a different story.

TheSnowyOwl · 21/06/2023 18:52

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:44

Rubbish, a combined salary of £80k in London is not comfortable or doing well.

It can be, completely depends on if & when you bought...

But the OP hasn’t bought yet and hasn’t even had children plus they presumably have student debt with all the qualifications they have. Given they want to save for travelling as well, they are either not going to be buying soon or will need to use their savings to go abroad.

We earn more than £80k and it doesn’t feel at all comfortable. Not with childcare costs added on and we started on the property ladder 20 years ago.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 18:53

MrsSamR · 21/06/2023 18:50

Does sound as though you being the breadwinner and your husband a SAHD is the obvious solution if either of you would be happy with that?

If OP isn't happy with him not getting a higher paid job, I doubt she'd be happy with him earning nothing at all.