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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

866 replies

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:19

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

OP posts:
groupery · 21/06/2023 18:11

If you have a 100k plus income (I've assumed you've earn what you want him too) then you can afford a house in London. The problem is a deposit I assume? Tbh without help that's what makes it very difficult.

Darknightsahead · 21/06/2023 18:11

I’d have lived in a bin with my kids and ex(had my ex not walked out) if we could have been happy.

It’s not all about money OP. If he is a good man and a a great partner then why do you care?

WonderingWanda · 21/06/2023 18:11

I hope my dh doesn't feel like this about me. I'm a teacher and my salary is a bit of pocket money compared to his.

GalileoHumpkins · 21/06/2023 18:12

Fuck me, this thread is depressing.

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:13

I make 120k, and on track for more. I have avoided the question so far because undoubtedly people will say "oh well I only earn X" so stop being greedy. Unfortunately to raise a family in London and to buy a house here you need to earn big big £££

I'm the first to agree that money doesn't go far in London but if you earn 160k between you that's plenty to afford a home & family. Although the million pound house in the nice area & 2 dc in private school will be out of reach unless you have family wealth behind you. Is that what you are aiming for?

SayHi · 21/06/2023 18:14

For me this wouldn’t be an issue.

Finding a job with a decent salary, that you enjoy and is low stress is everyone’s goal and he’s got that.

I know people who’ve left high earning jobs to go and work in a rescue centre or with ex drug addicts as it’s not all about the money.

I do understand that you need to make a lot of money to have the lifestyle you want but it’s not up to him to do what you want.

You need to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you and if so end the relationship.
You cannot make him get a job that he doesn’t want to do.

What job do you do?

When are you planning to have kids?
You may find him having this job benefits you when you have kids if it means he has set hours and can do the bulk of the parenting.

GeriatricMumma · 21/06/2023 18:15

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:07

Having children doesn't mean giving up your aspirations to have a good job

No, but it's very hard to juggle everything particularly once they are in school unless you have very flexible jobs/nanny/family support.

I don't struggle with it

Testina · 21/06/2023 18:16

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 18:06

I make 120k, and on track for more. I have avoided the question so far because undoubtedly people will say "oh well I only earn X" so stop being greedy. Unfortunately to raise a family in London and to buy a house here you need to earn big big £££

Is it a rule somewhere that one “earns” up to £100K but “makes” £120K 🤣

£160K is a perfectly good income for 2 in London - even with a family. It really is.

But it’s fine if you don’t want to carry someone else financially. Also fine for him to choose £40K over £80K. Your problem is those things aren’t compatible. I earn £80K to mu husband’s £20K but I’m a lot older than you and went into that eyes wide open, with a situation that won’t change (I’m 57 he’s 63). At your age… I’d call it a day - you’ll resent him too much.

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:17

@GeriatricMumma great, but I'm not sure why your experience can be extrapolated for everyone?

CantFindTheBeat · 21/06/2023 18:18

OP,

It seems like you may not actually been on the same page at all, which is sad.

How do you feeling knowing that he may always settle for a comfortable but not challenging role?

Would you be happy to be the high earner and he the househusband? That's where it seems like it's heading, so if that's not your ideal, it maybe some tough decisions about staying together are on the cards.

Sirzy · 21/06/2023 18:18

Money doesn’t buy happiness

BretonBlue · 21/06/2023 18:19

It can be very healthy to re-evaluate priorities but if you are resentful now that will never go away, and will only get worse. You need to have a very honest conversation about whether his motivations have fundamentally changed and if so, whether you are still compatible.

PurplePear7 · 21/06/2023 18:19

Masters don’t actually mean anything in the real world though do they, unless you’re in academia or research?

I was v ambitious in my 20s, worked long hours, big firms, did lots of professional exams.. but actually my opinion has changed now (at the ripe old age of 31 😂), work/life balance is more important to me than money. I could progress and get some good pay rises but the stress isn’t worth it to me. Any of us could die tomorrow and then what is the point to it?!

So yeah I think it’s fine for someone to change their mind. Maybe I’ll change my mind again! But if it’s a problem for you and you don’t want to be the breadwinner then you need to raise it with him.

Testina · 21/06/2023 18:20

Sirzy · 21/06/2023 18:18

Money doesn’t buy happiness

No it doesn’t, but feeling like you’re having to fund someone else’s choice to stay in a low pressure job can buy you unhappiness.

Nellynoowhoareyou · 21/06/2023 18:20

From your OP I thought YABU but the more I read the more I see where you’re coming from and think you’re probably just incompatible in this area. I’m sure many men would claim to be ambitious when trying to woo an ambitious person, especially if it’s pre-real-world-experience. I don’t think you can spend your life badgering him though, for either of your sakes. As long as you’ve outlined your expectations then all you can reasonably do is decide whether it’s a deal breaker (and inform him of that if so).

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:21

At your age… I’d call it a day - you’ll resent him too much.

I agree, I can't see it working out. The op will be around men making similar to her & more & seeing their lifestyles. I don't think DH getting a better paid job will solve it, it would just be a sticking plaster for a while.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/06/2023 18:21

If he gets a 100k job and leaves his 40k one he could easily afford to pay back the masters fees, so no point in staying where he is just for that.

I would find the situation frustrating. Surely you've expresssed all this to him though, if not why not? Are you able to have a frank conversation about this? Tie it in with your goals as a couple?

SeaSaltAir · 21/06/2023 18:22

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 18:06

I make 120k, and on track for more. I have avoided the question so far because undoubtedly people will say "oh well I only earn X" so stop being greedy. Unfortunately to raise a family in London and to buy a house here you need to earn big big £££

Your household income is £160k. You need to have a conversation with your husband if you need him to earn more.

AlltheFs · 21/06/2023 18:24

There’s more to life than money. If he is happy and contributing then that’s enough. If he was sat on his arse not earning, then fair enough, you don’t have to support him. But you just need to cut your cloth as a unit accordingly.

My DH used to earn a good income >£120k, life changed (business failed) and he’s now on £30k. I out earn him on part time hours. It’s all good though. We have a nice balance. Life would be easier if our joint income was still £180k rather than £80k. But hey ho. I didn’t marry a salary.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/06/2023 18:24

Lcb123 · 21/06/2023 17:54

You sound very materialistic. As long as you’re comfortable, surely a job with work life balance is best. I could earn a lot more but I want to enjoy time with friends&family, hobbies, looking after my health. No one dies wishing they’d earned more money or worked more

It's not materialistic, in London to buy a home without parental help you need two huge salaries. This DH decision could mean they won't be able to afford to buy

jackstini · 21/06/2023 18:25

What's the plan when you have kids? And when do you think you will have them?

I earned double what dh did so he stayed home

Are you wanting him to be the higher earner so you can be home with kids and he work, or are you happy to be breadwinner and he stay home a bit?
*for however long they are not in childcare - could be 3 months or 3 years - up to you

NaatQ968 · 21/06/2023 18:26

Lots of these comments... very shallow 🤷🏼‍♀️

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/06/2023 18:26

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:11

If you have a 100k plus income (I've assumed you've earn what you want him too) then you can afford a house in London. The problem is a deposit I assume? Tbh without help that's what makes it very difficult.

You can barely get a 2 bed flat for 500k in a decent area of London, let alone a house

Framboisery · 21/06/2023 18:27

I've known 20 something men to big up the amount they're going to earn in the future, then time passes and they find that they don't like work related stress or management.

Not everyone is up for loads of stress and pressure.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/06/2023 18:27

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:13

I make 120k, and on track for more. I have avoided the question so far because undoubtedly people will say "oh well I only earn X" so stop being greedy. Unfortunately to raise a family in London and to buy a house here you need to earn big big £££

I'm the first to agree that money doesn't go far in London but if you earn 160k between you that's plenty to afford a home & family. Although the million pound house in the nice area & 2 dc in private school will be out of reach unless you have family wealth behind you. Is that what you are aiming for?

I think she should be aiming for that if it's in reach for them- I definitely would be- and it's frustrating for her if they could have that if only do would have more drive