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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

866 replies

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:19

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/06/2023 18:28

I'd also be talking to him about a post nuptial agreement if you don't have a pre nup. That might hammer home to him how dependent he is on you and motivate him to work a bit harder

Whatonearth07957 · 21/06/2023 18:29

4th masters!!! If he doesn't need it to progress I'd be getting frustrated too...

DryIce · 21/06/2023 18:30

I think you're getting a hard time, OP. Its not the money per se, is it, but the fact you and he had a shared goal to achieve a particular lifestyle and he has now unilaterally changed the rules.

I think you need to understand how his priorities have changed and decide if you can live with that.

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:30

@Unexpectedlysinglemum you can buy houses for 500k in London although they won't be in the trendy parts. And you can get flats for 500k in decent parts. However I'm not sure why that's relevant as the OP has a budget above 500k...

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 18:30

You have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you, OP.

I'm a high earner too and would struggle to be with someone who lacks ambition if that's the case here. I'd also struggle to be with someone if it meant not getting a mortgage on a house in a good area which I know too well is extortionate in London.

I also couldn't be with someone who expected me to fund him due to potentially lacking ambition.

yut · 21/06/2023 18:31

That poster has been trolling other threads about working mums today, don't take any notice.

5128gap · 21/06/2023 18:31

You're going to have to decide whether he as a person is worth more to you than a high salary, as its fairly obvious that his priorities have changed and he's happy sacrificing income for lifestyle. Any change of heart on this is going to have to come from him, as to push or cajole him would be a disaster waiting to happen for your marriage.
It looks like a case of happiness, high earning partner, and him, you get to pick two.

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:32

@Unexpectedlysinglemum of course if she wants that she can aim for that. There's nothing wrong with that however there's all so nothing wrong with him not aiming for that.

FluffyFlannery · 21/06/2023 18:34

TheSnowyOwl · 21/06/2023 17:41

He doesn’t actually sound that career driven to me then. More of a perpetual student which isn’t attractive. If you don’t have children and you don’t share the same goals in life, I’d be leaving and finding someone else.

Mercenary!

Who cares about vows right? Just Chuck’em aside when they’re no longer useful.

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:34

It's not materialistic, in London to buy a home without parental help you need two huge salaries. This DH decision could mean they won't be able to afford to buy

They can borrow at least 4.5 x their income which is a budget of 720k, they can defo afford to buy.

Sissynova · 21/06/2023 18:34

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:30

No we don't have kids yet, but that's the goal. We aim for our kids to have a decent home.

Well you can’t both be working ridiculous hours with children.

Shinier · 21/06/2023 18:34

£40k is a small salary for a professional type job in London so I do see your annoyance. However, it also seems that he values education over money so your saying ‘we’re a highly driven couple’ probably just isn’t true, not in the financial sense at least. It may just be that sadly you are not compatible.

BookLover7777 · 21/06/2023 18:34

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:28

We are both very driven people, and share a goal of wanting to get onto the property ladder, and to travel the world. So this requires more than an average salary unfortunately.

He earn £40k a year rather than £80-100k in another job. In London, 40k doesn't go that far.

It does if you both earn around the same. And if you are earning more than 40k yourself, you're both laughing.

It's a shame you think reasonable working hours and good mental health matter less than earning a six-figure salary. It makes me wonder how compatible you are as a couple.

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:36

Lots of these comments... very shallow

I don't think it's shallow although i'm sure if a man was the op talking about his partner he would be ripped to shreds!

Outofthepark · 21/06/2023 18:36

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:39

This is kinda my point. This will be his fourth masters ...

A fourth masters?! Honestly OP that should've been the title of his thread!

Yea if he's earning 40k after 4 masters it seems like he's a bit all over the place. As you say, 40k didn't go far in London either. But you say you're equally ambitious - I don't think this is true!

It's 100% fine in my book to stay on a lower salary for a non stress role, but that has to work for you both.

TheSnowyOwl · 21/06/2023 18:37

BookLover7777 · 21/06/2023 18:34

It does if you both earn around the same. And if you are earning more than 40k yourself, you're both laughing.

It's a shame you think reasonable working hours and good mental health matter less than earning a six-figure salary. It makes me wonder how compatible you are as a couple.

Rubbish, a combined salary of £80k in London is not comfortable or doing well.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 21/06/2023 18:38

He's all mouth and no trousers. He talks a good game but his actions do not follow. A masters is just a chance to study while continuing an easy job for a few years so he doesn't have to put in the graft required for a really high paying job.

Bananarepublic · 21/06/2023 18:38

AllTheChaos · 21/06/2023 17:43

Well now I feel like rubbish. My ex walked when our DD was born, and I worked throughout her babyhood just so we could eat. No fancy house now either, just a tiny place and no holidays because no money. So I’ve what, destroyed her mentally and emotionally? Should I have let her starve instead?

Ignore anyone that criticises you for being a wonderful mother.

You haven't destroyed her, you've modelled someone who works hard to support themselves and those they love. You have nothing to feel bad about.

I wish women would stop being so horrible to each other about their legitimate choices.

Branleuse · 21/06/2023 18:39

40k in london in order to do a 4th masters is not very driven.
Are you sure you have the same goals?
Not that i think 40k is bad, but its not going to get you much of a mortgage

BookLover7777 · 21/06/2023 18:39

TheSnowyOwl · 21/06/2023 18:37

Rubbish, a combined salary of £80k in London is not comfortable or doing well.

As someone who owns a three-bed house in north London and lives off that combined salary with my partner, I can assure you it is. And we're doing very well and are very comfortable, thank you very much. We have more than enough to get by on, our teen is thriving and, guess what, we're happy because we don't work round the clock.

HaPPy8 · 21/06/2023 18:39

I think you probably just don’t love him

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 18:39

Sissynova · 21/06/2023 18:34

Well you can’t both be working ridiculous hours with children.

Yes they can.

ThanksItHasPockets · 21/06/2023 18:40

I suspect that either his priorities have changed since you first met and he isn’t motivated by the things he thought he would be, or he was only ever telling you what he thought you wanted to hear at the beginning because he loves you. Neither of these are necessarily fatal but they do mean that it’s time for some very honest re-assessments of your goals and overall compatibility.

By the way, I can see the sanctimonious lectures have already started. There is nothing wrong with wanting a particular lifestyle and being motivated to earn a high salary in order to achieve it. Sadly it’s still taboo for women to be honest about this.

BretonBlue · 21/06/2023 18:41

BookLover7777 · 21/06/2023 18:39

As someone who owns a three-bed house in north London and lives off that combined salary with my partner, I can assure you it is. And we're doing very well and are very comfortable, thank you very much. We have more than enough to get by on, our teen is thriving and, guess what, we're happy because we don't work round the clock.

Out of interest, when did you buy your first house in London?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 21/06/2023 18:41

DryIce · 21/06/2023 18:30

I think you're getting a hard time, OP. Its not the money per se, is it, but the fact you and he had a shared goal to achieve a particular lifestyle and he has now unilaterally changed the rules.

I think you need to understand how his priorities have changed and decide if you can live with that.

I agree. He raised your expectations but has now taken the easy route. Ask him if he'd be OK for you to go PT and earn £40k too.