To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

I don't think this is a particularly unusual setup. Just that it's usually the man who is the main earner - in fact, a lot of women with high earning husbands don't make £40k.

Perhaps you can just continue as the primary earner and he can do a bit more housework etc to make up.

with a partner who is working hard

But that's OPs entire point. He's not working hard, he has chosen to spend time doing a useless master's (not necessarily hard) and work a zero pressure job. Whereas he claimed he's driven and wants to progress to x level.

Both people need to be happy with that setup though and it sounds like OP wouldn't be happy with it.

Absolutely. They need to find the balance that works for them.

As a more general point, though, it does seem women are generally less happy to be the main earner than men.

I think social conditioning possibly plays a large part.

Totally agree with you and clearly do most posters judging by the poll (which apparently is laughable because it hasn't gone the way a few posters want it to).
I think most people in the real world would agree that marrying someone based on their potential earning potential and then complaining when they don't follow the precise trajectory you had planned is just controlling and shows a very lacking relationship.

Probably.

I earn more than my husband but we are both high earners. I wouldn't want to be the main earner but then he wouldn't either, both of us contributing equally is important to us.

Fair enough.

My partner and I both earn approx £45k each, which is by no means a king's ransom, but we live in a really cheap part of the country and don't plan to have kids so we get by pretty well. Both really enjoy our jobs.

However, it's actually our shared interests and DP's personality that attracted me to him and I don't think it'd have been different if he earned £30k or £130k. I think it might affect our relationship if we were struggling to get by, but as long as we manage it's more important to me that he's happy than that he maximises his earning potential. I feel like a life sat at a desk is a bit wasted tbh and much as Iike my job it's a necessary evil really. I'd stop working in a heartbeat if I could.

It was DH’s ambition and drive and passion that first attracted me to him as well as our shared values about equality.

We met at work and both love our careers so we have that in common too.

I wouldn’t be happy if he wanted to step down because we have always agreed that everything would be shared and I wouldn’t want to carry him financially.

Obviously illness etc would be different but just because he fancied it.

I think we have quite differing views which is fine.

I feel like if DP decided he no longer liked his job and discovered a vocation that paid less but made him genuinely happy I'd be behind him 100% as long as we could get by. Obv not if it was some bonkers mid life crisis, but I wouldn't want to have to stay as the person I was five years ago either as people do change over time.

The only way I’d be fine with it if he could fund it himself. I want more than just getting by.

Totally fine to have differing views!

Well, by 'getting by' I mean having a comfortable lifestyle. But tbf with no kids we have more disposable income than a lot of our higher earning mates that do have kids (especially those with kids in private schools) so that skews things a bit.

For me, time is as valuable as money. I hated the thought of sitting in an office until my 60s. Being in a construction/plant environment is far better for me as I get to enjoy the weather and spend a lot of the day outdoors. I'm not a particularly high earner at £45k, but even for that salary I'd likely be expected to manage people in most corporate environments.

By comparison, I have hardly any stress in my job, which is odd in some ways as I work in environments where a mistake could easily cost lives, but it's oddly less stressful than my office job was as everything is pretty laid out and I don't spend my day trying to decide between a million different solutions/approaches.

Working in this sector the past five years has really opened my eyes to a lot of jobs I didn't even know existed. I used to be sceptical about average construction salaries being £10k above average graduate (or was it office salaries) but I've no doubt now.

I've been at a big hospital build most days this month and it's opened my eyes tbh. The builders there are on £25 p/h but get 1.5x after eight hours and generally do 10 hour days - so £275 a day, £71.5k a year.

One guy literally sits under a tree waiting for the trucks to come (about one every 10 mins) and just has to open the barrier and direct them to the right place, or a waiting bay if there's already a truck tipping. They also have a rule that no machine can be running unsupervised so you have guys who are literally just sitting there next to a generator on their ipad for hours at a time.

Admittedly, this is a pretty big company doing projects worth crazy amounts of money but I was shocked by what these guys have to do to earn £70k vs what you'd have to do in an office.

I've realised though that I don't actually find it fulfilling to do a challenging job in the mental sense, which is in contrast with a lot of people I know. I found that when I was using my English degree to write high value commercial bids I was just always frazzled and never wanted to read books or really do anything stimulating outside of work.

Sorry, bit of a massive tangent there but I've been reflecting on this stuff a lot lately.

If he's happy with the hours, the pay, the working culture, the lack of intense pressure, and they really want him then I don't see why he'd be motivated to move on and up. Maybe when he was younger he was like one of those people you see on The Apprentice with money signs in their eyes, but actually he's content with where he's at. I can see that you've said you work a hard and full time job with good money so I'm not entirely sure that I see the problem. My husband and I both work full time, both went to uni, and both have hours and working conditions that fit our lifestyle and the needs of our family. I work in a sector I care deeply about but it's never ever going to pay very much - that's just how it is in the third sector. We're on £50k between us. I'd say that you need to read the room. Either lower your expectations about the place and size of the house you want and how much travelling you want to do and how stressed you want your partner to be or find someone else. Take him as he is. If you push him there'll be resentment and that's no foundation for a marriage.

@carrotstyx this is on MSN. The comments are 95% men who I'm guessing are all incels from the way they're replying.

Do you have a really boring job?
Out of interest?
I'm a software engineer and while my body is sat at a desk, my mind roams vast plains. I'm not sure if you've seen the Queen's Gambit, but you know the bit where she can visualise the chess pieces? That's what it's like for me. Once I get into the flow it's a bit like meditation.
The intellectual stimulation feeds my desire to do hard physical exercise after work, and vice versa.

My first job 'proper' was in governance and reporting. Endless spreadsheets, reporting. It was extremely boring, BS job that didn't need to exist (I spent 90% of my time making slides and spreadsheets that nobody ever looked at).

I trained to be an accountant but from the work experience that didn't quite suit me either. I hate spreadsheets and am not very detail oriented.

Quite a few people I know LOVE it though. love rules,love doing the same thing over and over again.