To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

It’s gone against what OP was led do believe her husband was aiming for, what they were both aiming for. She’s pushed on with career progression, and he hasn’t.

he may be perfectly happy with it, but that doesn’t mean OP has to be. He’s either lied to her, or genuinely changed his mind. If it’s the latter then however unfortunate it may be, it’s revealed a fundamental incompatibility. OP would not be unreasonable to decide that isn’t what she wants in a spouse or in life, and to leave.

The point is, it’s not that the market is still bad and he can’t find a higher paying job. He doesn’t want to.
what is the point to stay in lower paying (for his profession/degree) job to do a fourth masters “with the potential to earn more in the future” when he can earn double ALREADY?
this potential just will never materialise.
if the job wanted to pay him more they already would. Instead they gave him a ‘rotten carrot’ - 20K essentially over 4 years, pitiful increase of 5K a year

A small point to add for all the posters berating OP for being materialistic...

So what if she is? Some people are. Some people like stuff and the things money can buy, and she's not expecting her husband to do anything for it that she isn't prepared to do herself. She's not stealing the money or beating anyone up for it.

Maybe she'll have an epiphany and become more spiritual in the future, or something will happen to make her priorities change. Maybe it won't. She is who she is, she knows what she wants and even if it makes her spiritually inferior to someone who's happy with less, she's not that person, she's herself and she needs to be true to that.

I don't think a truly non-materialistic person would be as offended as some posters clearly are by the fact of her success and further ambition. If you're happy with what you've got and money meant nothing when selecting your beloved life partner, what's it to you? She's different and presumably she's already being punished because a materialist could never be as enlightened and happy as you.

But he's chosen to stay there for a reason, maybe because he likes it, maybe he doesn't see a major rush. Maybe he really wants to do this masters, he is his own person with his own choices to make. You don't marry a wallet, you marry a human that has free will, that might change their mind, have weaknesses and flaws, but you do so because you love them. I would hate such a transactional relationship. So my answer to the OP is yes I think YABU to be annoyed with him for making this decision. Clearly other people disagree and that's fine.

Apparently he's married a wallet though.

I wonder how much of this is only possible due to OP's high salary?

Why do so many posters think that the higher earner supporting the lower one is the one being materialistic and transactional? He's the one who's making a killing on this, not her!

Of course he has a reason for wanting to do the job. And he isn't wrong to make that choice. But it's not the path he had agreed to tread with OP and as such, she would also not be wrong to decide she wants to seek out someone compatible with the life she wants.

As some of us keep saying, the salary is the symptom, not the cause. It could be anything: emigration, sabbatical, a planned world trip at 40, a child, whatever. The point is, they agreed to work towards it together and now he's decided he'd rather do something else while still benefiting from OP being on the original path. She's not a monster if she decides that this is a deal breaker.

If there is a shared expectation of what a couple is aiming for, then one partner backs away from it without openly discussing it, then the other is not unreasonable to be upset about that, and it doesn't matter what that expectation was - whether it was big careers, or living in a caravan with a pet goat. It's ok to want to change course when hit with the reality of what your ambition actually entails, but it has to be discussed and worked-through together; or the word "partner" becomes pretty meaningless.

We don't know if it was actually a shared goal though, OP could be deciding that's what "they" want when really it's just her. If DH did want those things he wouldn't have taken a lower paying job and continued with further study. I wouldn't want to be with someone who felt they could dictate how I earn money or how much in order to facilitate the things that they want. People can make up their own minds, make their own decisions and earn however they see fit. How is it an equal, loving and fair partnership if one of them feels they can tell the other what job to have or how much they should earn? Surely it's supposed to be about supporting one another and the choices they make, no?

DH took the job because there were no other options at the time. Or have you decided that OP is making up that bit too?

If that's the case, AIBU is pretty pointless since usually people just go by the OP.

Or does it only happen when it suits your argument?

No, I am well aware that other options in the field he studied weren't available at that time, I've acknowledged that in previous posts.

The AIBU has shown that most think that OP is being unreasonable so I am most definitely not alone in my views. Why aren't you acknowledging that you're in the minority with your opinion?

Plans don't always work out, it's unfortunate but as I said, pinning your hopes/dreams on the "earning potential" of someone else is at best unreasonable and at worst moronic. If you want something, you're responsible for working towards it, nobody else and being annoyed that somebody else isn't working towards your goal, is wrong

I already have. I believe if OP wasn't a high earner, the responses would be completely different.

She has worked towards it herself and is probably annoyed that DH benefits from it but has stalled himself. I bet she also wonders if he would've made the same choice if she wasn't a high earner.

You're making assumptions thinking that DH is sitting on his laurels benefitting from OPs high salary. To me it looks like he's working full time earning a decent salary and studying alongside that, that must be bloody hard work regardless of whether or not OP thinks it pointless based on the words of "others in his field", maybe he feels it's beneficial and really that is what matters.

OPs earnings are NOT what matters here, as I've said (which people don't believe, I don't care) the issue I have and perhaps many others' is that she's annoyed with what HE earns, couldn't give a shit if she's earning mega bucks or working PT on minimum wage. Nobody has the right to dictate who works where or how much they earn regardless of that their "goal" is. I get that it may be disappointing if that's throwing a spanner in the works for what she thinks is a shared goal. If nothing else, doing a fully funded masters in his current place means he only has to stay in his current role for another 2 years, in the grand scheme of things that is no time at all, he could finish his masters and move on to a higher paying role after that without having to pay out 20k jumping ship now.

If it is truly a shared life plan to have a nice big house in London with well supported kids and world travel. Waiting 2 years for that is nothing.

OP is unreasonable in thinking that DH isn't doing/earning enough to support that. He's doing things his way and that is fine, sure it may be stalling a little (which I do not think is the case) but in 2/3 years DH could be in a higher paying role and on the track that she wants, dreams of and waiting a tiny amount of time for that is nbd in the grand scheme of things. He's working towards their goal (if that's what it is) his way and there's nothing wrong with that

I’m going from the OP. Otherwise what is the point of AIBU? Like I said, we can just argue that maybe this or that is actually the case just to suit our argument.

OP says it was a shared goal, you refuse to believe that.
OP says he benefits from her high salary, you also refuse to believe that.

You have made many assumptions yet complain if others make assumptions.

I'm not complaining if others make assumptions like I have. It could be a shared goal but I see no issue with him doing things his way. Just because others in his field have said that it's a pointless masters doesn't necessarily mean that it is, he clearly doesn't think it is if he's doing it. There's no evidence that he's benefitting from her wage being OP saying he would because she's on track to warn more. Doing a full blown degree whilst working fulk time has to be difficult and it's fully funded by his workplace so it's at no cost to OP or DH. Nowhere has it been said that he isn't contributing equally to the household so I find it hard to see how he's living off her wage while he faffs about doing sod all. As said in my previous post, he could be working away stay in his current role for 2 years and then jump right into a high paying high flying job immediately after. 2 years is nothing if you're planning to spend the rest of your life with someone. OP has no right to dictate how much he earns or how he goes about trying to attain this shared goal. Working full time earning a decent wage whilst studying is nothing to be sniffed at, it isn't a sign of someone who isn't working hard to achieve something, in my eyes it's the exact opposite. OP just doesn't seem to like how he's doing things his way which he has every right to do. Building a comfortable life with a good home and the means to travel takes time regardless of who is doing what. Patience and respect is required and OP isn't showing any of that. I want never gets

He could also be planning to stay in this role forever because he knows OP will earn more so why bother?

Especially as this is his 4th masters.

There isn't any evidence anywhere that he's happily coasting on OPs salary, as I said it looks quite the opposite when he's studying and working full time. People I'm saying I'm fixated on OPs salary when i haven't once mentioned it or derided the woman for being a high earner. It doesn't matter. However a lot of people DO seem fixated on it with the assumption that DH is happily doing what he wants knowing he has that to fall back on. That's a hell of a reach you don't know his aims or how he's going about things.

He could think that another masters is worth it in the long run so is doing it, nobody would put themselves through that intense work for no benefit, it doesn't matter that others told OP it was pointless, that's their opinion it clearly isn't his.

Nobody knows his reasoning or motivations for what he's doing and I fins it kinda gross that a good few people including yourself are assuming that he's just happily benefiting from her wage and not doing anything himself.

It's what it sounds like to me.

No different to the negative things you've assumed about OP.

I'm never going to look too fondly at someone who's unhappy with a partner who is working hard regardless of how for not earning enough. It seems shallow and materialistic and from the OP it looks like she married him for his earning potential which in my opinion is a horrible reason to marry someone. Marriage should be about love, support, connection, friendship and shared ethics, not how much money your partner can bring in

and I see something different from the OP. Probably because I would feel the same in her position and can relate to her more.

A marriage is supposed to be a partnership where each person supports the other, condemning them for not earning enough because you want to have big house and travel the world is disgusting. OP hasn't said she's carrying the financial load and that DH isn't contributing so I don't see an issue. I'd be really hurt if my partner said i wasn't earning enough to support his goals or that I wasn't working hard when in a full time job, I'm not studying but her DH is adding more stress to his life when going about things. Marriage is indeed a contact, of commitment, not a promise to earn mega bucks and flounce around the world and it's honestly gross that some people seem to think that it is

OP is the higher earner. Her DH is hardly carrying the financial load even if he contributes something, which I imagine he does. I never said he contributes nothing but it isn't going to be the same level as what OP contributes.

I would be incredibly unhappy in that situation and wouldn't consider it a partnership at all.

But of course, in your eyes, OP is the devil and her DH can do no wrong so assumptions about DH are not allowed.

The last time I saw someone consistently miss the mark for so long, it was a Stormtrooper.

It's pretty clear that you're projecting your own relationship onto this one because OP is making you feel insecure, something that shouldn't be happening if you really are as fulfilled and reassured as you say you are. Got to add in all that self-righteousness to reassure yourself you're still better than OP.

If you don't have the same life goals as she has, don't marry her. But why so angry and self righteous about her finding someone who has?

If OP isn’t married to you, it’s not your problem. You don’t need to be worrying about whether she’s committed enough, or understands marriage, or is whatever you want to imagine her to be.

The point is she married believing her and her husband were on the same page on a fundamental issue, but has since found out that they aren’t. It’s no different to them agreeing they did/didn’t want to children once married, and one changing their mind once married (or deliberately lying). Yes, they’re fully entitled to change their mind, but they’re not entitled to expect their partner to just accept that and change with them. The partner would be fully entitled to leave, and in fact would be widely supported in doing so. That a changed attitude towards money isn’t so important an issue to many posters doesn’t mean it isn’t for OP.

And pointing to poll results is laughable tbh. It’s hardly binding, and it’s not like poll results aren’t heavily influenced by the forum the question is asked on. Ask this on a different board or a different website and the results would be entirely different. It’s a canvassing of opinions, that’s it. OP can pay as much or as little attention to them as she wants, they haven’t revealed some objective truth.

OP can pay as much or as little attention to them as she wants, they haven’t revealed some objective truth.

Given that she hasn’t been near the thread for days and you’ve pretty much monopolised it, it’s a bit of a moot point. I expect she’s got thoroughly bored.

I'm hardly projecting, you don't know either my financial circumstances, my living arrangements or the details of my relationship. I do know that neither I or my partner rely on each other to achieve the things that we want individually beyond being supportive and caring. I don't expect him to earn a certain amount nor he I, we don't live together and we are both comfortable in both finances and living circumstances. As I've said repeatedly, I do not care what OP earns, the point of this thread is based on what DH earns. I don't view marriage as a financial arrangement, I don't take "I wanna be/earn" statements as a promise to do those things which OP did do, it backfired, it sucks but that's what happens when you put your wants onto someone else