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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

866 replies

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:19

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

OP posts:
Wiltson · 21/06/2023 17:19

Do you work in a high paid job?

BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation · 21/06/2023 17:20

How much does he earn?

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:20

Yes

OP posts:
Sirzy · 21/06/2023 17:21

It seems he has found a job where he is happy and feels valued. That doesn’t sound a bad thing to me

MrsSamR · 21/06/2023 17:23

It kind of depends on what he's earning versus what he could be earning. If he could be earning 100k but is earning 20k I see why you'd be a bit disappointed but if he could be earning 80k and is on 60k for example and he is happy there and you don't really need the extra money then I don't really see the problem.

SchoolShenanigans · 21/06/2023 17:23

Seems a bit sad how much you value this high paying job.

Do you have or plan to have children? If so, you can't both work long hours.

I think you need a bit of perspective to be honest, the way you talk about your husband's career just seems really off to me. It's his job, not yours. And if you love him for him, surely a decent paying job that allows him to be stress free is ideal?

GeriatricMumma · 21/06/2023 17:26

SchoolShenanigans · 21/06/2023 17:23

Seems a bit sad how much you value this high paying job.

Do you have or plan to have children? If so, you can't both work long hours.

I think you need a bit of perspective to be honest, the way you talk about your husband's career just seems really off to me. It's his job, not yours. And if you love him for him, surely a decent paying job that allows him to be stress free is ideal?

Who says they can't work long hours? I've got three children, I have a high pressure job working long hours.
My husband is a teacher but also has another business outside of that.

Having children doesn't mean giving up your aspirations to have a good job.

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:28

We are both very driven people, and share a goal of wanting to get onto the property ladder, and to travel the world. So this requires more than an average salary unfortunately.

He earn £40k a year rather than £80-100k in another job. In London, 40k doesn't go that far.

OP posts:
toottootpipip · 21/06/2023 17:29

I assume you don't have kids. If you're planning kids one of you will probably have to have a job with more regular hours that is largely based in one location, otherwise you'll need a live in nanny. In my marriage my husband has the more 'stable' job - rarely long hours, short commute, very little travel required. He still earns well but it's a fraction of what earn. I have to travel a lot including overseas, long hours, lots of pressure. We also have a nanny but she's not live-in.

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:30

No we don't have kids yet, but that's the goal. We aim for our kids to have a decent home.

OP posts:
Hobbitfeet32 · 21/06/2023 17:32

How much do you earn @carrotstyx ?

Sarahtm35 · 21/06/2023 17:33

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ilovesooty · 21/06/2023 17:34

Would you not have married him if you'd known his salary would disappoint you?

MrsSamR · 21/06/2023 17:35

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Please let's not turn this into a working mum bashing thread. That is not what this is about. Working mothers don't need to be made to feel guilty by self righteous SAHMs thank you.

TheSnowyOwl · 21/06/2023 17:36

If he’s very well qualified then why does he need further qualifications which presumably aren’t necessary? Is this a second masters he is doing or about to do?

BananaSpanner · 21/06/2023 17:36

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🙄

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:39

TheSnowyOwl · 21/06/2023 17:36

If he’s very well qualified then why does he need further qualifications which presumably aren’t necessary? Is this a second masters he is doing or about to do?

This is kinda my point. This will be his fourth masters ...

OP posts:
Fighterofthenightman1 · 21/06/2023 17:40

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:28

We are both very driven people, and share a goal of wanting to get onto the property ladder, and to travel the world. So this requires more than an average salary unfortunately.

He earn £40k a year rather than £80-100k in another job. In London, 40k doesn't go that far.

Perhaps he's not as driven as he's made himself out to be

TheSnowyOwl · 21/06/2023 17:41

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:39

This is kinda my point. This will be his fourth masters ...

He doesn’t actually sound that career driven to me then. More of a perpetual student which isn’t attractive. If you don’t have children and you don’t share the same goals in life, I’d be leaving and finding someone else.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 21/06/2023 17:42

He's found a job he enjoys with good hours and a decent work-life balance.

Lots of people would kill for that.

SeaSaltAir · 21/06/2023 17:42

How much do you earn OP?

ProfessorXtra · 21/06/2023 17:43

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Yuja · 21/06/2023 17:43

I could earn more than I do based on my qualifications and experience. But I love my job, feel valued, really like my colleagues and the job is super flexible around my family. Most of the time I am not stressed, like I used to be. I wouldn't leave just for a higher salary as we live very comfortably on this one plus DHs.

AllTheChaos · 21/06/2023 17:43

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Well now I feel like rubbish. My ex walked when our DD was born, and I worked throughout her babyhood just so we could eat. No fancy house now either, just a tiny place and no holidays because no money. So I’ve what, destroyed her mentally and emotionally? Should I have let her starve instead?

Hobbitfeet32 · 21/06/2023 17:45

So pleased you and your children were able to live off fresh air and love @Sarahtm35. The rest of us need cash to buy stuff with. And if your other half was working then I’m sorry that your children suffered emotionally and mentally because of this.

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