To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

Does your dh still want to do that or is he maybe realised that he's happy where he's at? I'm all for any mums and dad's chasing their dreams why shouldn't they, but that gets really tough when you have kids. I don't earn massive amounts but I'm on the top for my sector and I LOVE my job, wouldn't have thought twice about staying late, working weekends whatever needed to be done to get things working well but now I've ds it's different. I want to be able to put him to bed and do his pick ups etc and I'll have to go part time in order to do that which will be a further financial hit. It will slow us down on moving to a bigger, nicer home in a better area which is really important to me and dh but my point is just that aspirations can change as life goes on? I think you need to sit down and talk about your shared goals with your dh, see what he wants without making him feel you dont think his job is good enough, and talk about how he sees your goal timeline looking. Does he think you can still do things like you'd planned or is he reassessing it. At the end of the day you're a team so should be supportive of each others goals, if his is to slow down and enjoy life a little more then that's OK provided you're happy to still forge ahead with your career success. The bit that might be tricky to navigate is how he'd feel if you are busier than him, working more hours than him and earning significantly more than him long term. Would he be happy to pick up the lions share of home and life admin/ childcare while you focus on career and would you be happy for him to do that. Does he still want to travel and how much and how does he see that happening. These are really tough convos potentially but better be really honest with each other so you know you're on the same page because it sounds like you're worried that he's not on the same page as you and you're bit really sure where he's at.

I’m mixed on this. DH and I qualified in the same profession and could command similar wages. But he earns two to three times as much as me (his bonus and share options vary considerably).

I admit that one of the attractions when I met him was his ambition, work ethic and ability to get on with everyone he meets. I’m far cleverer (in the better academics sense) but just don’t have the drive.

However, although I admit I found his ambition attractive and hence ended up with a high earning partner, I’d be gutted if he found my lack of ambition unattractive and was considering upgrading to a better earning model.

He’s a perpetual student and there’s a lot of opportunity cost in that.

We saved really hard and we had a flat for a few years before we bought it that enabled us to do that. Our house is now worth £1m and we live very nicely in it on our 'paltry' £80k a year. I find it baffling that you're only considered a success in London if you earn 100k+ each.

Yes but posters are pointing out you didn't afford that 1m house on 80k. You have equity which was much easier to build up for older people

I would be willing to bet that you bought your first London property in the late 90s or early 2000s and have therefore benefited from the dramatic increases in London property prices, even if you had to ride out blips like the 2008 crash.

You have essentially had the equivalent of a third earner in your family for some time thanks to property appreciation. I very much doubt that you could afford your starter flat in today’s prices and follow the same path up the property ladder if you had been born twenty years later.

Why doesn't his employer just pay the extra £20k in salary instead of the Masters? That's just stupid.

I think 4 x Masters is ridiculous! He'd have been better off doing a PhD after the first one. Nobody needs 4 of the same level of degree!

I totally get where you are coming from @carrotstyx. Never mind the sanctimonious - at least you're being honest. In your shoes I would probably feel the same way.

I think you need to have a serious discussion with your DH. Ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed. I think career-wise apart from anything else he would be very foolish to settle at this level when he is capable of so much more.

He will probably regret it too in the long run if he doesn't challenge himself now while he's young. And you are not happy, and will probably come to resent him. It would have been different if he had had a lesser earning capacity in the first place, and you had gone in with your eyes open. You thought you were on the same page but it looks as though you are not. I don't see any harm in some stress/pressure, so long as you're learning, developing and growing. Plus he will have a higher pension!! He might not be quite so complacent if you did split up...

Hope you can work it out.

It's our first house but we owned two flats before, so it's not our first property. We had our one DC – only managed one as I have secondary infertility – while living in second flat and they were about nine when we bought the house a few years ago. My point is, it's ridiculous to say you cannot live comfortably in London on a combined salary of 80k. We live in a 'nice' part of north London too.

If he is on his 4th Masters and on 40k there is something really wrong. If you want a house, kids, travel and a good lifestyle 40k is not gonna do it. You carry then can for most of the income. What if you want to spend time with kids, go part time etc? Id be looking at how he increases his salary without doing a Masters. Or, accept lower pay, him being happy and a lower key lifestyle.

No, it wasn't that long ago.

No, spot someone who thinks you should have the same aspersions and goals as a partner.

£40k, when he could be earning £100k is quite a big difference! It could be worthwhile him staying where he is if it has other advantages, like lots of flexibility and very family friendly hours, like term time only. But 10am-6pm full-time doesn't even fulfill those criteria, he'd be better earning more and working part-time, whenever you do have children. It doesn't sound from your post like he's persuing his passion or anything like that, that might make the lower salary worthwhile. If you're going to have the home and lifestyle that you want, if he stays in this job, you'll be the one funding most of it. It's time to decide, before you do have children, if that's what you want. It wouldn't be unreasonable to tell him that you're not willing to do that.

That's a very good income OP- and really depends whether you love your husband 'as he is' or loved the fact you thought he was going to be a big bucks high earner.

I certainly don't see the point of him doing a masters- given his previous track record- it hasn't helped. Maybe he just isn't that driven high earning personality or want a job that involves sales etc, (many higher paid jobs have a sales element) he can't have worked in IT as that market definitely hasn't dried up .

If you do love him enough to stay, then I think you have to think sideways- ok you might not be able to buy that £1m period property in a nice bit of London but there is no reason you can't buy a 2 bed flat in a semi ok area - or move out somewhere very commutable- you can still buy nice 3 and 4 bed semis around the £600k level in Guildford or Epsom or somewhere similar. I just did a quick Google to check. It's hardly a shitty option.

If it's deposit that's the issue, then look at renting something that's ok but not amazing a little bit out for 18 months based solely on your income and save his income for the deposit.

It can all be done with a bit of sideways thinking- but that's if you love him enough 'as he is' --

If you want a high rolling lifestyle and can't compromise on it- then it would be fairer to him to call it a day- I would hate to be married to someone who saw me as a bit of a disappointment .

We earn more than £80k and it doesn’t feel at all comfortable. Not with childcare costs added on and we started on the property ladder 20 years ago.

Well we earn more than 80k but less then the op & didn't get on the ladder 20 yrs ago. We are comfortable but we don't have a massive mortgage or pay for private school.

Don’t most happy couples have similar goals? If couples want different things in life that’s just a recipe for disaster.

If we had got on the ladder 20 years ago we would be doing really well but still at school.

But I don’t believe you can buy the equivalent on £80k today and that’s what I’m comparing to.

You couldn't dream of buying that house now though.

Is he happy though?

Can you not be happy for him that he has found a role/company that he is happy in and allows him the work life balance that works for him?
If you feel that this impacts on your relationship, maybe it’s worth assessing want you both want out of life and your relationship to see if they are still aligned and if not… You have a choice to make!

Nobody needs 4 of the same level of degree!

Exactly this.

That's true, but OP actually has a combined salary of double that, 160k, and apparently that's not enough?

But hey, I don't want to derail her thread. The fact is, if she feels disappointed and put off that her DP isn't fulfilling what she perceives to be his earning potential and that matters more to her than him doing a job he enjoys and that makes him happy, then they clearly aren't compatible because they have different life goals.

Then why can’t the tuition assistance his company are offering be used towards a PhD?

@karmakameleon but surely you need to leave room for people to grow and change their mind? I don't expect my dh to be the same person in 20 years as he is now, that would mean I'm leaving no room for his personal growth, challenges or life experience to shape him. I think you commit to loving the person for who they are in the knowledge that they will change a bit in time and you hope they'll offer you the same commitment and respect.

I would be willing to bet that you bought your first London property in the late 90s or early 2000s and have therefore benefited from the dramatic increases in London property prices, even if you had to ride out blips like the 2008 crash.

Hence why i'm not sure where @TheSnowyOwl went wrong?

That's fine, as long as you're both on the same page.
The OP - and her DH (although we have only her words for this) have dreams of travel and a nice house in London.
I'm also willing to bet that her DH isn't a domestic god who'd be a great SAHD.
happy to be proven wrong!