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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

866 replies

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:19

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 21/06/2023 17:47

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 21/06/2023 17:42

He's found a job he enjoys with good hours and a decent work-life balance.

Lots of people would kill for that.

That's fine if you as an individual accept both the benefits AND the limitations (ie less money) of that choice. But not if you expect to life a high flying lifestyle funded by your partner working long hours under pressure. And it sounds like that's what the OP is afraid her DH wants to do.

Handholdplease85 · 21/06/2023 17:49

I agree 40k is not a good wage in London especially if he is already qualified to earn more. I would also be a bit annoyed and agree it’s pointless to do another masters.

Hugasauras · 21/06/2023 17:49

That poster has already been banging that same drum on another thread about working parents. She believes husbands should be providers and asked why I even chose to have kids as I have the audacity to work three days a week and send them to nursery for a couple of days and, shock horror, enjoy it. But apparently no one has ever asked her husband why he chose to have kids.

Quveas · 21/06/2023 17:49

So what is your problem, exactly? He's only worth having a relationship with if he has the same work values that you do, earns as much or more than you do? Perhaps he has realised that there is more to life than working. It is entirely possible to have a decent home, to travel, to have children in the future, without also having mega-bucks in salary. If he's on £40k and you are on (a lot) more, then that's a bloody good income to do all of those things. To be honest, you might have a lovely salary - but as you say yourself, it's at a cost of long hours and high pressure; and if you are driven to progress further that won't change. One day you might look back and wonder what happened to your life and where it all went while you were working. Perhaps he's already done that and decided it isn't worth it.

Yippeenewjob · 21/06/2023 17:51

Does he feel that the Masters is pointless/unnecessary to secure another job? You say that people in the Sam’s industry have told you it’s pointless but what does your DH feel? If he thinks it was worthwhile and will lead to a higher paying role, then it feels a bit like you don’t really value his judgement?

Feels like you need to have an honest conversation with him about both of your aspirations and expectations for your life together.

You want a partner who is high flying and aspirational who is able to fully help achieve your dreams of house/life etc. That’s ok. Sounds like he definitely used to feel the same. But maybe he doesn’t feel quite the same now - either because he’s happy as he is, doesn’t want the same things any more. Or maybe he does but needs to do it his way with your support - he might feel this job is the right stepping stone and 2 years isn’t long, he might’ve lost confidence not getting a high paying job initially.

GeriatricMumma · 21/06/2023 17:51

@Sarahtm35
Course they were - you don't sound bitter at all.

I can assure you my children (some of which are now adults) are perfectly happy and content.

But you keep making everyone feel like shit because you hate your own life.

harriethoyle · 21/06/2023 17:52

@Sarahtm35 your comments are utterly moronic 🙄

Lcb123 · 21/06/2023 17:54

You sound very materialistic. As long as you’re comfortable, surely a job with work life balance is best. I could earn a lot more but I want to enjoy time with friends&family, hobbies, looking after my health. No one dies wishing they’d earned more money or worked more

excelledyourself · 21/06/2023 17:54

@Sarahtm35

So did you work there for free, whilst having your heart broken by these parents every day? Surely only a hypocrite would allow themselves to benefit from the money such awful people pay for their kids to be in childcare?

cushioncovers · 21/06/2023 17:57

He's found where he's happy. Sometimes what we think we want to do and what actually makes us happy are two different things. There's nothing wrong with taking an average job and keeping your brain active by studying. However I can understand your disappointment if he made a show of wanting to be driven and have a great career and so you based your hopes and dreams you both being high earners. What are you hoping to achieve op? Forcing him to move jobs and stress himself out isn't going to be good for either of you in the long run.

Topseyt123 · 21/06/2023 17:59

Whilst I don't see the point of a fourth Masters, he sounds happy in his job and perhaps feels that he has a pretty good work/life balance?

I don't think anyone should push anyone else to give that up and go for higher earning and probably much higher pressure jobs that they don't really want. That way lies resentment.

Try not to be so driven by money and materialism.

cushioncovers · 21/06/2023 18:00

Op how much do you earn?

GeriatricMumma · 21/06/2023 18:00

excelledyourself · 21/06/2023 17:54

@Sarahtm35

So did you work there for free, whilst having your heart broken by these parents every day? Surely only a hypocrite would allow themselves to benefit from the money such awful people pay for their kids to be in childcare?

Perhaps it's her husband who earns the money and is absent from every waking hour whilst he works - of course it would be ok in her eyes and wouldn't cause any emotional and mental damage Grin

Either way, she can fuck off, turn left and fuck off again with that fairy story of a perfect SAHM life.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

No they won't. It also sounds like you worked in a shit nursery.

My son loves nursery, many children do.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 21/06/2023 18:02

Jobs that pay well, with hardly any stress and hours to suit are like hens teeth and I don't blame your dh for choosing this route rather than a higher paid job, that involves long hours and more stress. I could earn a good £25 to even 50k a year more, but choose not to. Work/life balance is more important to me than the extra money.

Testina · 21/06/2023 18:02

So what do you actually earn, given that you’ve dodged the question several times and only said you’re “on track”?

If he could genuinely earn £80-100K for the same job (including same level of pressure) then yeah - I’d need a lot of convincing on why he wouldn’t move. But I bet he couldn’t, and you comparing it to the next step up, or supposedly the same job but with more responsibility / hours / pressure.

I worked somewhere that was described on glassdoor as “recruit 1, do the work of 2, pay of 3”. It was hard but great if that suited you - both for money and opportunity. Are you really saying there are equivalent roles paying double?

Curious how he’s done THREE masters already though!

HelpMeGetThrough · 21/06/2023 18:04

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure.

Ideal. Working is shit. You could be earning a fortune, but if you are unhappy doing it, it's worth fuck all.

I've just taken a demotion at work, as I couldn't be arsed with the stress. My decision to make, as it was me having to put up with the shit and I'd had enough.

ArcticBells · 21/06/2023 18:05

OP how much do you earn?

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:05

I could be earning 80k now but after dc I changed careers & started again. I now earn about 40k & don't work full time. I was very driven (I still am) but I couldn't juggle everything. Admittedly my old career had zero flexibility, no p/t options & no wfh. I'm sure covid changed this but it was so pressured & I just wanted to take my foot off the pedal. I do think stress is real, and I've seen lots of friends/family in well paid jobs who have burnout, too much drinking etc. There's lots to be said for logging off & not thinking about work.

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 18:06

I make 120k, and on track for more. I have avoided the question so far because undoubtedly people will say "oh well I only earn X" so stop being greedy. Unfortunately to raise a family in London and to buy a house here you need to earn big big £££

OP posts:
PineappleLatte · 21/06/2023 18:07

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:39

This is kinda my point. This will be his fourth masters ...

4 masters on 40k?!

groupery · 21/06/2023 18:07

Having children doesn't mean giving up your aspirations to have a good job

No, but it's very hard to juggle everything particularly once they are in school unless you have very flexible jobs/nanny/family support.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/06/2023 18:08

TheSnowyOwl · 21/06/2023 17:41

He doesn’t actually sound that career driven to me then. More of a perpetual student which isn’t attractive. If you don’t have children and you don’t share the same goals in life, I’d be leaving and finding someone else.

Totally agree- I know of people who do endless degrees and phds to put off the inevitable need to grow up and actually work

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/06/2023 18:09

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 18:06

I make 120k, and on track for more. I have avoided the question so far because undoubtedly people will say "oh well I only earn X" so stop being greedy. Unfortunately to raise a family in London and to buy a house here you need to earn big big £££

Are you resentful at funding a lifestyle? Because if so that will only grow once you have children

Undisclosedlocation · 21/06/2023 18:11

sounds Like you are indeed very driven and money motivated………..him, not so much
That doesn’t make either of you wrong!

To insinuate that a combined salary of £160K is insufficient is ridiculous though imo. Maybe not enough for all the fancy extras you want in life, but it seems your OH doesn’t care about those things as much as you thought