To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

OP is disappointed that he isn't living up to his own standards that he initially set.

I don't see anything wrong with that at all.

But she isn't disappointed for him, he's happy doing a job he likes and studying alongside that, she's disappointed as she feels she can't get what she wants because he hasn't met that standard, that is what is wrong to me. Surely a partner's happiness is worth more than stuff

She isn't happy.

I wouldn't be happy in that situation either.

What about her happiness?

She's unhappy because everything was based around his earning potential, that's her own fault, you shouldn't pin the things that you want for yourself on the hopes of someone else doing something (in this case leaving a comfortable well earning job for a high stress high earning job) to make it a reality. It sucks and is unfortunate but that's the way it goes sometimes. It's unreasonable to expect someone else to change things up so you get what you want

Basically OP should ignore to the fact she’s unhappy and prioritise his happiness, but if he ignored his happiness and worked to the degree he told OP he intended to, in order to prioritise her happiness, that’s would be wrong. If she’s unhappy it’s because she’s a greedy and grasping harpy, so that’s fine. If Saintly McHusband is unhappy, then it’s the worst thing in the world and OP must do whatever it takes to accommodate him.

and this belief isn’t driven at all by a dislike of the fact OP is on £120k. Okay.

It's unreasonable to expect someone else to change things up so you get what you want

It wasn't supposed to be a change. The change was in him.

It’s her own fault she believed the man she married. What an unthinkable thing to do. Straight 🤡

Nope it's based around someone putting their expectations onto someone else who is perfectly happy where they're at and then being annoyed that they aren't doing enough or fulfilling their potential. Her earnings have fuck all to do with it. Don't make getting the things that you want someone else's responsibility

Can you show me where I've expressed annoyance at how much OP is earning or where I've indicated that it's had anything to do with anything I've said in my posts? I'm honestly baffled how you think this is the case

It's unreasonable to expect someone else to change things up so you get what you want

and yet here you are, expecting OP to change her plans for life because of what her husband wants.

You see it as a moral failing that she wants a certain (not especially lavish) lifestyle, is willing to work for it and wants a partner who is also willing to work for it.

I see it as a moral failing when someone doesn’t contribute as much as they could either to their family, or their wider community. It’s not just his own family that would be better off he earned more, he’d be paying more tax and contributing more to the country. Instead over his lifetime he’ll probably be a net beneficiary when he could have been a net contributor to public services and his family.

Op wants DH to leave a job he's unhappy in, THAT'S CHANGING THINGS UP

Oh honey, no one expected you to come right out with it. You don’t need to. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and shits like a duck, chances are it’s not a fucking walrus.

Honestly OP should have just said she's on 40K and husband on 20K. There'd be better replies without all the distraction the figure causes

I actually don’t think it would have made a difference. Basically if he works at all count yourself lucky because he’s not an absolute deadbeat.

It's in every bloody post! Nothing but how terrible she is for wanting a lifestyle you deem unacceptable and a complete block on the point, which is that her life partner moved the goalposts.

You're obsessed with the money even though the money is only the symptom.

I couldn't give a shiny shit what she's earning, the issue I have is that she feels he's not earning enough or fulfilling his earning potential for the stuff that she wants. She could be a millionaire for all I care

She should have said that the agreed shared goal was emigration or working towards a year off to travel. Then people wouldn't have got blinded by the money that they swear they don't want and don't care about.

If she’d said their shared goal was children/ a family, he’d be an evil bastard for changing his mind and no one would argue she should stay if she’d have time to start a family with someone else.

Uh-huh. Strange how you ignore when people point out your glaring double standards and logical inconsistencies, yet any comment on your obvious attitude towards OP’s salary you’re quick to address. How absolutely not predictable.

I wonder what the response would be if the numbers were such that they couldn’t actually afford to start a family. I wonder it people register that children cost (a lot of) money.

Truly it doesn't matter what she earns, the issue is that she thinks he isn't earning enough. How youre twisting things to make it as if I care what she earns is bizarre

It’s the wide-eyed ‘Who - me? Why would you even think that!?’ faux confusion that’s really selling it.

the issue is that she thinks he isn't earning enough.

If you say so. Lol, the guy himself could pop in and tell you directly that that isn’t in fact the issue and you’d still argue that it was, so what’s the point of repeatedly correcting you? You know full well that isn’t the issue, you’re just trolling.

No the issue is that he said he'd earn a certain amount by a certain time and hasn't, therefore has scuppered plans for "their shared goal" I do understand this. I mean come on the title even says "to be annoyed DH not getting a higher paying job" it wouldn't matter if she was on 120k or fuck all, my issue with the whole thing is that she is pissed someone isn't earning enough to fulfill her wants

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