To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

She didn't change things up, he did.

He took a job as the field he qualified in had no jobs available, that couldn't be helped. He is now happy in that job and OP is pissed he isn't fulfilling his earning potential for "shared goals" annoyed that he's content with a low stress job that isn't exactly paying nothing. She wants him to leave that job and therefore change things up to suit her

It was a stop gap. He changed things up by deciding it wasn't a stop gap.

It doesn't pay much compared to her salary and she shouldn't have to carry the financial load just because he is content and happy.

Again, who decided it was a stop gap? We don't know that. If they're equally paying the bills for the shared house she isn't carrying a financial load, she hasn't said that he isn't contributing equally towards bills so it can't be assumed that he isn't and that she's carrying any load due to it

Why is it ok for you to make assumptions but no one else?

I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong to make assumptions including myself. I do feel looking at things, if op was paying out than him for bills that are supposed to be shared, when she's unhappy he isn't earning enough to support the standard of living she wants, it would have been mentioned in the first post to avoid being accused of drip feeding. Am happy to admit I could be wrong with that but honestly feels it's unlikely

If it wasn’t a stop gap, he would have told Op it wasn’t a stop gap. Wether it still is or not, if he didn’t intend that, surely he would have told her that?

Did he know that OP viewed it as a stop gap? Again we don't know

She is disappointed that the plan the made together is something he is no longer interested in working towards. And he hasn’t communicated that clearly. Just keeps making decisions and assuming Op will be good with the new plan.

Why you have to make it so personal and keep sniping at the Op? Is beyond me.

Why would she think it was a stop gap if it was a career change?

She says he benefits financially at the end.

Of course he does though.

It is coasting in the context of HIS profession. Eg if he’s solicitor with few years after qualification he certainly can do better.
also if people work so hard in jobs making 40K wouldn’t it be better to work just as hard or tad more for 80K?

Maybe try focussing on something else about your partner other than what he earns. You sound money obsessed and materialistic, such unpleasant traits.

If you don't like her, don't marry her.

He did.

I wonder how many of the people sniping at the OP for being materialistic would genuinely be happy if their breadwinner husband came to them and said they were unhappy in their job, and were taking a lower stress one at half the income and they'd have to sell their house, move to a cheaper area and severely curtail their current lifestyle. As an announcement of a fait accompli, not as a discussion around changes in life values

I doubt he realised just how much of an importance OP placed on his income before he married her. Marriage isn't a business transaction.
Most vows include for better for worse, richer for poorer, sickness and in health etc.
Maybe OP wrote her own vows, hopefully they made it clear what minimum salary he must earn for her to want to marry him.

I doubt he realised just how much of an importance OP placed on his income before he married her.

Why do you doubt that? OP says she communicated it to him clearly. Now him being a dimwit or totally dismissive of her life goals conversation makes her the bad guy?

Why are posters so keen to dismiss what OP says and make stuff up about the husband...which, if true, still wouldn't make OP wrong?

I've actually gone back and reread just to make sure I haven't missed anything in her posts.
She says he told her he was planning to earn X amount by X time etc, but that the market then changed. I highly doubt she ever said that his earning potential was a big factor in whether she would marry him or not. If she comes back and says she did then fine, but most people wouldn't say that to someone, and why is that? Because it sounds materialistic and shallow, most people would run a mile at that point.
It isn't like he has dropped out of his career, he has decided to do a masters that costs them nothing, and will stay at that company for a few years. whilst working in a job on 40k. He can still progress further after that, and presumably if they haven't had kids they are still reasonably young.

If OP was a SAHM and writing this, there would be total uproar.

What about her income? It's interesting that he doesn't want to leave this job knowing OP's salary and how she can carry him financially.

I wonder if he'd say the same if OP also earned 40k or how he'd feel if OP suddenly told her she was getting a lower income job.

Maybe her DH places more value on OP's income than you realise.

If OP was a SAHM, it would be her DH supporting her financially which is a completely different situation.

It is OP who carries the majority of the financial load.

There are many assumptions here, but of course OP can also choose to take a lower paid job if she chooses. If he was as concerned with income as OP, then he probably wouldn't be choosing the lower paid job.
Imagine knowing your partner felt this way about you? I married for love, maybe I'm just old fashioned!

I get the impression a lot of this isn't to do with his earning as much as a delay in achieving what OP may perceive as their life goals (e.g.house owning has become potentially so much more difficult when looking at average earnings compared to house prices).

He doesn't need to be concerned about income because of OP's income.

One of the reasons why I love my husband is due to our shared values which isn't limited to but includes ambition, progressing in our careers and sharing the financial burden.

I would feel the same as OP if that suddenly changed, especially if I felt he had misled me about it. He would feel the same too and I wouldn't blame him.

I don't think his actions have gone against the values of 'ambitious' or 'driven'. He is choosing to do further study for a couple of years whilst still earning a good salary, with the potential to earn more in the future. OP thinks the masters is worthless, maybe he doesn't.
Ambition and drive doesn't always equate to lots of money anyway, someone can be ambitious in climbing the career ladder as a social worker or teacher or police officer and never earn huge sums of money. What OP means is she wants them to have a LOT of money and thinks she can dictate his life choices to achieve it. Unfortunately marriage doesn't work like that, it isn't a financial contract..

It's his 4th masters. I can understand why OP is fed up. She is also talking about DH's career where 40K is considered a lower salary, he isn't a teacher or a social worker so that's irrelevant.

DH also can't dictate that OP continues carrying the majority of the financial burden which she clearly isn't happy with.