To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

Funny that the OP is being labelled as materialistic and not her DP. They are both enjoying living in a household where the combined income is £160k. I bet he enjoys that.
I couldn’t be in a relationship where I saw my partner working really hard in a stressful job, but I was just happy to kick back and coast on a 9-5 whilst they provided for me. That’s not a partnership. I actually wouldn’t mind a partner earning less-provided that they were trying. One part of this couple is working really hard, the other is coasting- that’s the part that sits really poorly with me

Who says he’s insisting on her providing for him?

he doesn’t need to insist on it, the fact is that he’s happy enough to sit back and benefit from it.

Yes, imagine being expected to be an equal financial partner in your relationship, when that’s what you’ve explicitly agreed to be. How unreasonable it is for your partner to have an issue with bearing the financial load while you get on with whatever make you happy.

if the figures were lower I doubt you’d struggle to see what OPs problem is, but because she wants a joint income higher than what you personally deem to be acceptable, you’re determined to pucker your lips tighter than a cats arse and paint her as the villain.

Really, so anyone who incidentally benefits from a higher earning partner is unreasonable? Obviously she’s the only one allowed to set the pace for both of them and woe betide him for not keeping up, sounds blissful!!

@Pubgardener who says that he's not working hard or coasting? We only have OPs initial post on that. Plenty of regular hours jobs still involve working pretty hard and plenty of highly paid jobs don't always require slogging your guts out as many of them may well have a sales/commission/team bonus element too that vastly boosts it. The OP hasn't said what they do so it's hard to judge. For all we know he may be in a pretty full on job- just with regular hours and not as much stress as hers - I know plenty earning between £35 and £45k in the south east /London with jobs like this and they aren't coasting!! The OP may be in banking or law or senior accountancy or a surgeon or something similar but equally may be in recruitment or head hunting or estate agency in a posh area - and which by nature of the sales element 'can' be high earners if deals come off. Doesn't mean she's necessarily working harder- just in an industry with better pay.

He’s happy to benefit from it though. OP thought they wanted the same things, he’s happy to coast and benefit from it without contributing as much.

He doesn’t have to but at the same time, OP doesn’t have to take on most of the financial load either.

If they both agreed to it, that’s a different story but OP didn’t agree to it.

To be honest have been laughing too much at this insight into certain people‘s expectations to have been puckering my lips. Something tells me this attitude isn’t going to bring the OP everything she ever hoped for

she studied and chose to work in an industry that would give her a high salary. She believed her husband also had the same ambitions. Instead, he’s choosing to stay where he is and not progress his career, despite the fact he’s highly qualified and could do so.

Doubt he had any idea of the contract in her head

They discussed and agreed it when they married.

They originally agreed that they would both progress to afford the house they want and holidays.

He has clearly changed his mind which is fine but OP doesn’t have to fund that.

He isn’t just incidentally earning less though is he?

It’s not that he isn’t keeping up and you know that. It’s that he has decided a different path. He has decided he no longer wants to do that. That’s fine.

Op isn’t obliged to finance his choices.

and I say this as someone who is the higher earner, with a partner who earns less that Ops partner. I knew he earned a lot less than me. But I am happy with the situation. Op isn’t. See the difference.

If I met dp and he earned the same then decided he could take a big step back and financially rely on me, without my agreement. I would absolutely dump him.

Of course she doesn’t, no implication that she’s telling her she does. She’s free to leave

ah yes, of course you are. Next time crack out the laughing emoji, that’ll really sell it.

Why wouldn’t it? I’ve exactly the same attitude. My expectations were and are high, and my unwillingness to compromise them has, as a result, meant that I’ve achieved precisely what it is I’ve wanted. Plenty of people can say the same.

Life isn’t a morality tale where you’re rewarded in the long run only if you’re suitably frugal and virtuous.

Yes, I do think the sums involved are colouring a lot of people's reactions to this. It's not really about £120k, it's about a shift in an agreed shared vision for life together.

Would he be financially relying on you though? Many couples earn minimum wage and get by fine in the part of the country I live in. It’s a bit like having a rich friend who insists on going to a posh restaurant and paying but then whinging about it, when personally you would of been more than happy to go to pizza express where you could of easily afforded to pay for yourself 🤷🏻‍♀️ who wants friends like that

if the high earner isn’t happy with that set up, yes.

He agreed to keep up yet hasn’t attempted to do so. He either lied to her, or changed his mind. Generously assuming it’s the latter, he is of course entitled to change his mind, but OP isn’t unreasonable to be unhappy with such a change, and nor would she be unreasonable to leave him as a result of it.

Which exactly what I said all along.

Though I imagine it would be him physically leaving. Due to finances.

Many couples earn minimum wage and get by fine in the part of the country I live in

So? Does that mean everyone has to want or be happy with that?

I'm in a similar situation. DH is just as qualified as me with a similar education and working career trajectory. He's middled out for the last decade and sees no reason to work harder and get paid more and it's almost certainly because I'm the harder worker and higher earner. I earn more part time than he does full time. He's a great dad and husband but poor equal weight puller in the career and earning stakes. We do argue about it as the cost of living increases. I don't know where he thinks the money is coming from. I recently lost out to much higher paying job which disappointed me. But in 18 months of the cost of living squeeze he has not applied for a single job. I've applied for 2 this year.

Really, so anyone who incidentally benefits from a higher earning partner is unreasonable?

The point is that this isn't incidental. She's with him on the agreement that they'd be equally financially ambitious. Her views on money may not align with yours, but they don't need to - you aren't her life partner.

She’s free to leave him for any reason she likes and perhaps should if it makes her that unhappy, it’s not a reason she would personally get my sympathy for

The OP has stated that her DH job is low stress.
She has also stated that his earning potential is higher than 40K, so your industry argument doesn't apply.
Actually come to think of it the OP has never said that her DH should match her. His 'higher earning potential' is 80K, which is still half her current salary.