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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

866 replies

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:19

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

OP posts:
Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:07

DrSbaitso · 24/06/2023 16:06

Really, so anyone who incidentally benefits from a higher earning partner is unreasonable?

The point is that this isn't incidental. She's with him on the agreement that they'd be equally financially ambitious. Her views on money may not align with yours, but they don't need to - you aren't her life partner.

Did he really know that was a red line agreement?

DrSbaitso · 24/06/2023 16:07

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:06

She’s free to leave him for any reason she likes and perhaps should if it makes her that unhappy, it’s not a reason she would personally get my sympathy for

I think she could handle that.

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 16:08

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:06

She’s free to leave him for any reason she likes and perhaps should if it makes her that unhappy, it’s not a reason she would personally get my sympathy for

I‘m sure she’ll cope without it.

ProfessorXtra · 24/06/2023 16:08

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:04

Would he be financially relying on you though? Many couples earn minimum wage and get by fine in the part of the country I live in. It’s a bit like having a rich friend who insists on going to a posh restaurant and paying but then whinging about it, when personally you would of been more than happy to go to pizza express where you could of easily afforded to pay for yourself 🤷🏻‍♀️ who wants friends like that

that doesn’t even make sense. Read what I wrote.

If he took a step back and financially relied on me….he would be financially relying on me.

He does financially rely on me now. But that was a choice I made, knowing what he earned and his earning potential. I absolutely wouldn’t be put in this position by force. That’s really off putting in a relationship.

MykonosMaiden · 24/06/2023 16:09

PegsPigs · 24/06/2023 16:06

I'm in a similar situation. DH is just as qualified as me with a similar education and working career trajectory. He's middled out for the last decade and sees no reason to work harder and get paid more and it's almost certainly because I'm the harder worker and higher earner. I earn more part time than he does full time. He's a great dad and husband but poor equal weight puller in the career and earning stakes. We do argue about it as the cost of living increases. I don't know where he thinks the money is coming from. I recently lost out to much higher paying job which disappointed me. But in 18 months of the cost of living squeeze he has not applied for a single job. I've applied for 2 this year.

So, you work PT and earn more. Presumably because you are 'PT' you do more of the household stuff, yet he gets to coast?
You're being taken for a mug.

DrSbaitso · 24/06/2023 16:10

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:07

Did he really know that was a red line agreement?

As much as anyone does who has a sensible discussion about the shared vision before marriage. You are supposed to be an active participant in that one.

If it falls apart as a result and he becomes £120k worse off but keeps his enjoyable £40k job, then I guess he'll know for sure how much OP's income did or didn't affect his life quality.

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:10

DrSbaitso · 24/06/2023 16:07

I think she could handle that.

Good, she was the one who asked if she was being unreasonable

ProfessorXtra · 24/06/2023 16:11

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:07

Did he really know that was a red line agreement?

Ah so now it’s the responsibility of Op to make sure he knew the life plan they made together was important to her? Do people make life plans with a partner but don’t think it’s important?

If he is making life plans with someone and thinks it’s not important then Op is better off without him anyway.

Did he tell her he was agreeing to the plan but wanted room to change it, if he fancied it?

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:12

DrSbaitso · 24/06/2023 16:10

As much as anyone does who has a sensible discussion about the shared vision before marriage. You are supposed to be an active participant in that one.

If it falls apart as a result and he becomes £120k worse off but keeps his enjoyable £40k job, then I guess he'll know for sure how much OP's income did or didn't affect his life quality.

I’ve not got sympathy for him if he misses her money, just sympathy that he ended up with someone for whom money (more than what you need to be comfortable) mattered so much

Blossomtoes · 24/06/2023 16:15

His 'higher earning potential' is 80K, which is still half her current salary.

I thought she was on £120k, not £160k.

Spiderplantweb · 24/06/2023 16:15

I was earning significantly more than my ex-partner @Parkandpicnic and I struggled to leave him as I felt a sense of guilt - yes he could financially support himself, but he couldn’t support himself to the same level that I was and since I left he struggled and he will continue to do so unless he changes job.

He likes lots of holidays, weekends away, spends a hell of a lot on hobbies and loves to treat colleagues and friends down the pub. he could only ever do this because I was picking up 80% of our household expenses- and whilst he has been able to downsize-his living costs have gone up over 50%.

there is a real difference in being able to cope on a salary and be happy coping on a salary. Whose to say this guy has “pizza express tastes” mine certainly didn’t (in actual fact in my situation although I was the high earner i had the more frugal tastes)

DrSbaitso · 24/06/2023 16:16

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:12

I’ve not got sympathy for him if he misses her money, just sympathy that he ended up with someone for whom money (more than what you need to be comfortable) mattered so much

Your sympathy really isn't the issue here.

For all the talk about how grasping OP is, I'm getting a strong sense of jealousy here, to be honest.

SouthLondonMum22 · 24/06/2023 16:23

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:07

Did he really know that was a red line agreement?

Why wouldn't he know?

You are full of excuses for him.

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:28

ProfessorXtra · 24/06/2023 16:11

Ah so now it’s the responsibility of Op to make sure he knew the life plan they made together was important to her? Do people make life plans with a partner but don’t think it’s important?

If he is making life plans with someone and thinks it’s not important then Op is better off without him anyway.

Did he tell her he was agreeing to the plan but wanted room to change it, if he fancied it?

Don’t all couples talk about the rosy compilation of all their hopes and dreams at a given time, it’s not a set in stone contract and think most people would be horrified to find that’s what the other person expected when they walked down the aisle. Is just unrealistic to think that won’t change over time due to various factors. I would have some sympathy if it were the case that this meant she was never going to get the security of owning her own house if she stayed with him etc, obviously that would affect her massively in retirement buts it’s just him not working himself to the ground to 50% fund the lifestyle she wants. Better all round for everyone for her just to make a decision whether her current man or the chance of find a higher earning man is more important to her

MykonosMaiden · 24/06/2023 16:30

Blossomtoes · 24/06/2023 16:15

His 'higher earning potential' is 80K, which is still half her current salary.

I thought she was on £120k, not £160k.

Oops sorry! Yes you are right
It is still lower though, and OP is on track for more.
She is not expecting him to match her is she? Just fulfil his potential

MykonosMaiden · 24/06/2023 16:32

Spiderplantweb · 24/06/2023 16:15

I was earning significantly more than my ex-partner @Parkandpicnic and I struggled to leave him as I felt a sense of guilt - yes he could financially support himself, but he couldn’t support himself to the same level that I was and since I left he struggled and he will continue to do so unless he changes job.

He likes lots of holidays, weekends away, spends a hell of a lot on hobbies and loves to treat colleagues and friends down the pub. he could only ever do this because I was picking up 80% of our household expenses- and whilst he has been able to downsize-his living costs have gone up over 50%.

there is a real difference in being able to cope on a salary and be happy coping on a salary. Whose to say this guy has “pizza express tastes” mine certainly didn’t (in actual fact in my situation although I was the high earner i had the more frugal tastes)

Exactly, I've dated many guys like this .
Of course, as the OP has done a runner we're all just going in circles ...

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:34

DrSbaitso · 24/06/2023 16:16

Your sympathy really isn't the issue here.

For all the talk about how grasping OP is, I'm getting a strong sense of jealousy here, to be honest.

That couldn’t be further from the truth, both Dh and me lucky enough to have decently paying jobs which we’re both really happy in, our own house etc. We could both be earning much more but decided there’s more to
life than money given we’re already comfortably off, thank you

ProfessorXtra · 24/06/2023 16:40

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:28

Don’t all couples talk about the rosy compilation of all their hopes and dreams at a given time, it’s not a set in stone contract and think most people would be horrified to find that’s what the other person expected when they walked down the aisle. Is just unrealistic to think that won’t change over time due to various factors. I would have some sympathy if it were the case that this meant she was never going to get the security of owning her own house if she stayed with him etc, obviously that would affect her massively in retirement buts it’s just him not working himself to the ground to 50% fund the lifestyle she wants. Better all round for everyone for her just to make a decision whether her current man or the chance of find a higher earning man is more important to her

Op did say general hopes and dreams chats. Of course people have them. And then have serious chats. Like the chat about kids, where you want to live etc.

If their plan was to emigrate and both work towards it. A plan they came up with together and then he said ‘yeah, I am not bothered about putting in the work to do that. But I am happy for you to put the work in and I will come along for the ride’

Would you feel the same?

If she should have known he might change, shouldn’t he have also known one might change their mind? Why commit to it if he didn’t mean it? Why did he assume she would also change and be happy with the situation.

Look, let’s be honest, you issue is entirely that a high earner also wants a partner who is a high earner. You think she should be happy with her lot and accept anything this man wants to do. Even if it does fit with what she wants. You are also putting the majority of the responsibility on her, for not anticipating change and exactly how he would change, for not (you assume) making it clear that when they were planning their lives, it was important to her and so on. Not much on him? Why is that?

Why is it different if she could never afford a house due to his change of heart? if you change, that should be expected by your partner. That’s just how it is isn’t it? You don’t need to own a house? Why is that your red line?

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:41

Spiderplantweb · 24/06/2023 16:15

I was earning significantly more than my ex-partner @Parkandpicnic and I struggled to leave him as I felt a sense of guilt - yes he could financially support himself, but he couldn’t support himself to the same level that I was and since I left he struggled and he will continue to do so unless he changes job.

He likes lots of holidays, weekends away, spends a hell of a lot on hobbies and loves to treat colleagues and friends down the pub. he could only ever do this because I was picking up 80% of our household expenses- and whilst he has been able to downsize-his living costs have gone up over 50%.

there is a real difference in being able to cope on a salary and be happy coping on a salary. Whose to say this guy has “pizza express tastes” mine certainly didn’t (in actual fact in my situation although I was the high earner i had the more frugal tastes)

As long as that wasn’t the reason you left him why would you feel guilty that you are enjoying the standard of living your earnings afford you? You’re separated, you no longer have an obligation to share your standard of living. It’s not your problem he likes fancy holidays etc

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:45

ProfessorXtra · 24/06/2023 16:40

Op did say general hopes and dreams chats. Of course people have them. And then have serious chats. Like the chat about kids, where you want to live etc.

If their plan was to emigrate and both work towards it. A plan they came up with together and then he said ‘yeah, I am not bothered about putting in the work to do that. But I am happy for you to put the work in and I will come along for the ride’

Would you feel the same?

If she should have known he might change, shouldn’t he have also known one might change their mind? Why commit to it if he didn’t mean it? Why did he assume she would also change and be happy with the situation.

Look, let’s be honest, you issue is entirely that a high earner also wants a partner who is a high earner. You think she should be happy with her lot and accept anything this man wants to do. Even if it does fit with what she wants. You are also putting the majority of the responsibility on her, for not anticipating change and exactly how he would change, for not (you assume) making it clear that when they were planning their lives, it was important to her and so on. Not much on him? Why is that?

Why is it different if she could never afford a house due to his change of heart? if you change, that should be expected by your partner. That’s just how it is isn’t it? You don’t need to own a house? Why is that your red line?

It comes down to us all viewing what marriage is differently. I can imagine he was as oblivious to that being a red line for her as I would be. What a sorry situation for him

ProfessorXtra · 24/06/2023 16:46

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:34

That couldn’t be further from the truth, both Dh and me lucky enough to have decently paying jobs which we’re both really happy in, our own house etc. We could both be earning much more but decided there’s more to
life than money given we’re already comfortably off, thank you

Assuming we believe that.

You chose to do that? You choice. So you identify with the man in this situation. That makes sense.

Your choice is the right choice. Someone who chooses Different must be wrong.

That’s not usually the behaviour of someone who is happy with their own choices.

ProfessorXtra · 24/06/2023 16:50

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:45

It comes down to us all viewing what marriage is differently. I can imagine he was as oblivious to that being a red line for her as I would be. What a sorry situation for him

You aren’t him. Why would he be oblivious?

You are assuming he would be, because it’s not something you and your husband discussed. Doesn’t mean other people don’t. You are just adding things in. Op said they discussed it and has a joint vision for their future which Includes them both being high earners. Where do you get he couldn’t possibly have known this was a big deal?

It’s really not hard to grasp. Your life isn’t the ideal for everyone else. That doesn’t mean their choices are wrong. Or your choices are superior. Or that because you wouldn’t have known something, others also don’t know it.

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 16:58

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 16:34

That couldn’t be further from the truth, both Dh and me lucky enough to have decently paying jobs which we’re both really happy in, our own house etc. We could both be earning much more but decided there’s more to
life than money given we’re already comfortably off, thank you

Relax, even if you are jealous no one actually expects you to admit it.

you do seem to be struggling with the idea that nor everyone aspires to live as you do, or that just because something is enough for you, doesn’t mean that everyone else is required to consider it the same for them. Plenty of people would be miserable living your life, just as you would be miserable living the life someone else loves. It isn’t a personal insult.

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 17:04

ProfessorXtra · 24/06/2023 16:46

Assuming we believe that.

You chose to do that? You choice. So you identify with the man in this situation. That makes sense.

Your choice is the right choice. Someone who chooses Different must be wrong.

That’s not usually the behaviour of someone who is happy with their own choices.

Insightful that you stoop to accuse someone with a different viewpoint to yourself of jealousy and lying rather than give a logical counter argument.
So insightful that I won’t waste anymore of my time on you as I would be arguing against your conveniently apparent (untrue and irrelevant) belief about my personal circumstances and who in their right mind would waste time on that

ProfessorXtra · 24/06/2023 17:08

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 17:04

Insightful that you stoop to accuse someone with a different viewpoint to yourself of jealousy and lying rather than give a logical counter argument.
So insightful that I won’t waste anymore of my time on you as I would be arguing against your conveniently apparent (untrue and irrelevant) belief about my personal circumstances and who in their right mind would waste time on that

It is logical.

You have a real issue with the fact that the Op is a high earner. You have an issue with the fact that she doesn’t think her husband is amazing for making the same choice you did.

People who are comfortable with their own choices don’t really mind what other choices people make. They know their choice was right for them.

Do you believe everything written here? That’s odd.