To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

I’m sure you are being criticised all over and called greedy or whatever but as a female earning 120K+ in London in high pressured job I completely get you.

Also unless you literally have couple of hundred K saved or inherited, or already on a property ladder with sizeable equity built you will struggle saving and paying for a family home in London in any neighbourhood with half decent schools.

40K sadly is very low for London (I wish it was not this way!!)

He is NOT a driven person and he’s showing you that right now. he talks the talk but doesn’t walk the walk.
thats fine in itself- not everyone has to be - but it may be a huge mismatch in your life aspirations and life values. Some people like to work in more lucrative jobs to make more money and enjoy the benefits more than inevitable trade offs. I chose the husband with similar values so our incomes and job pressures are comparable.

Now, you may be ok to accept it - if someone has an easier less pressured job and is less paid this partner may take more of share at running a home and raising children - but a) is he willing to do this? b) would you consider this and not be resentful? I personally would- I am talking full mat leave myself for instance and we prefer to share responsibilities equally. We also BOTH might go into less pressured and less lucrative jobs, but not having one partner shouldering the financial burden and another the home life, just doesn’t work for us.

you need to really think hard about it before you have children with your husband and maybe realise he’s not the right partner for you.

money is one of top three conflicts in marital life

the absolute worst outcome for you (and it happens with women all the time) is that you both work in pressured job, responsible to make money to
pay for mortgage and are the same time primary caregiver for children and running the home when husband just “helps around”

Sorry meant the worst outcome for you “you ALONE still work in high pressured job…”

the absolute worst outcome for you (and it happens with women all the time) is that you both work in pressured job, responsible to make money to
pay for mortgage and are the same time primary caregiver for children and running the home when husband just “helps around”

Or, which is more common than one would think - OP works her high pressured job and pays the mortgage, while STILL responsible for home and children, while the husband just coasts. Maybe 'helps' occasionally if OP tells him exactly what to do.

Exactly- seen this with quite a few friends and been in a relationship like that myself! (Before kids - was lucky to get out)

Especially given that the OP doesnt have kids

He's about to start a masters alongside a full time job which obviously long term could lead to better pay and prospects.

You belittle the masters and say it's not worth the fee and insinuate he has no aspirations....yet taking up a postgraduate degree shows he has ambition and drive and is plsnning for the future.

100% you are being unreasonable and materialistic

Thats his FOURTH masters
having that many masters is actually red flag for an employer
because it signifies someone who doesn’t want to work

How does doing a masters ALONGSIDE a full tume job signify not wanting to work? It's literally the OPPOSITE. And it's obviously not a red flag to his employer as they're willing to pay for it

And it's obviously nota red flag to his employer as they're willing to pay for it

It's a rotten carrot as OP says to keep him from leaving for a better job.

This is his 4th though. He's coasting and happy for OP to carry the load financially.

Fair enough if he decided he wasn’t going to work at all for no particular reason but he earns 40k. He doesn’t have an obligation to half fund her expectation of a sky high standard of living

My thoughts exactly.

quoted the wrong person!

It’s her that wants them both to carry a unnecessarily ridiculous load

If would mean a huge change in lifestyle for us too, down sizing etc but I’ve never thought of it as my Dh obligation to fund our current lifestyle. Just our joint obligation to keep a roof over our heads and our children fed, anything more is a bonus

Yet she is carrying the load financially. Not everyone is going to be happy with that.

I wouldn't be either.

He’s not obliging her to carry that load, she is the one who has taken on a load to serve her own preferences not needs

The issue is that he told her these were his preferences too.

I'm not sure if the OP has been back-- as I said early on though , the OP does have a choice if she's not happy with this. At the end of the day though it comes down to having a big chat and getting his take on this, if his goals have changed then it needs communicating by him and if it's all going to come down to her ability to be a high earner- then she has a choice to make- as I said before it may come down simply to the guy or the lifestyle and which matters most to her.

People can change their preferences, a bit silly to rely on them not changing. How annoying would it be to go into a marriage in that basis. It just comes down to whether she still wants to be with him, he’s not the one being unreasonable and you are allowed to divorce without a good reason

Of course he can change, but that doesn’t mean OP has to change with him.

You may consider the lifestyle she wants to be unnecessary, but you aren’t required to either approve of it or want it. If OP wants it she’s perfectly entitled to strive for it, and she’s not unreasonable to be annoyed at her husband for failing to keep to his word while she’s been bearing the financial load.

a bit silly to rely on them not changing.

Sillier still to marry someone who even at the start doesn't share your vision for your shared life.

Ha, this conversation has gone on so long that I forgot they are already married.

I don't think it's "silly" to expect someone to continue the shared vision that was the basis for marriage. But if it happens, she's not wrong to decide that the life she'd have with him is not the one she wants.

It was a standard of living THEY agreed. He has changed what he previously agreed on. It does suit him, that's fine. But a beautiful marriage isn't one person changing their side of a shared vision and expecting the slack to be picked up by their spouse.

There's a standard of living that he is currently enjoying that he isn't contributing, equally, to. Which op has been clear on she didn't want this. The plan was they would both be following the same and looking to achieve similar wages for a lifestyle they both wanted. He has no obligation.

But op doesn't have an obligation to pick up the slack or change how she sees her future and what she wanted in a spouse.

what a miserable marriage, not even being able to choose what job you do