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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

866 replies

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:19

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 09:45

concertgoer · 24/06/2023 09:37

So when he’s done with ANOTHER masters he can look for a new job.
mid ge gets the right one they may well give a golden handshake to pay off the previous employer. (Just watch as it’ll be taxable income - so some costs involved!)

but also remember that money doesn’t buy happiness & if he’s happy for the next 40 years that’s better than not being!!

Given her current unhappiness, neither does what is happening now. It isn’t only his happiness that matters.

Money buys security and opportunity, both of which are things that can indeed provide happiness. If someone is unhappy because they’re struggling financially, it’s money that will buy their way out of it. Money isn’t guaranteed to buy happiness, no, but it certainly can.

TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 24/06/2023 09:55

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:39

This is kinda my point. This will be his fourth masters ...

Fourth???

He has no plans to change OP - best off leaving now

CrazyHedgehogLover · 24/06/2023 10:00

I wonder if the responses would be the same if this was a man that posted….

DrSbaitso · 24/06/2023 10:06

CrazyHedgehogLover · 24/06/2023 10:00

I wonder if the responses would be the same if this was a man that posted….

Possibly. Stories about very high salaries elicit certain responses.

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 10:08

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 08:53

Most people marry believing they have shared values and goals, and that does indeed include finances. OP believed they did, and she’s put the work in to achieve it. He hasn’t even tried to meet her halfway though, yet he’s happy to enjoy the proceeds of her hard work whilst he does his fourth masters. If it’s naive to trust that your partner will at least try to do what they’ve led you to believe they will, then it’s naive to trust at all.

No one said they had to live in London, but they want to and that’s absolutely fine. No one said everyone has to aspire to make a lot money in order to afford a desired lifestyle, but OP wants to and that’s absolutely fine too.

I did not date men that weren’t on the same financial page as me, as I wasn’t willing to fund another independent and able adult. I wanted an equal and that is what I found. If my husband suddenly decided that it was on me to carry the financial burden then we’d have a problem. If the roles were reversed I would expect my husband to have a problem too, because that isn’t partnership.

I bet if OP does extract herself now (and hopefully she does tbh) that he’ll quickly come to the conclusion that actually, £40k doesn’t go the lengths he needs it to.

Well sounds like he’d be a lot better off without her. My DH likes nice things and works really hard but he doesn’t expect me to earn a minimum amount to maintain a certain lifestyle for him. Same here, if he was really unhappy in his job and wanted to work in McDs then obviously it would mean a change in lifestyle but I would support him. Current lifestyle is a bonus, not something I take for granted and enjoy what we have now knowing that things could change at any time for a multitude of reasons. We’ve had times in our marriage when we’ve both earned less/more and faced changes in lifestyle but we’ve just supported each other in whatever makes each other happiest. We just trust each other that the other is not lazy!

G5000 · 24/06/2023 10:08

It really doesn't matter that some other people are just fine on 40K. Some other people are totally fine on minimum wage as well. But minimum wage (or 40K) would not be sufficient to pay my mortgage, pay for DC school and activities, our trips that we want to take, savings and investments we want to maintain etc. We are all happy with our current lifestyle. And if DH one day came home and said sod it, he has decided that for his personal happiness, he wants to go for a minimum wage job instead, and no he doesn't care about our current joint expenses any more - I should pat him on the back and say that yes dear whatever, your happiness is the most important thing?

Which, by the way, I have done - he was really unhappy in one of his jobs, so decided to try independent contracting for several years, and I was happy to support that, but that was my agreement, not his unilateral decision.

(Note that OP has never said that DH is suffering and depressed or anything like that, just a perpetual student who seems to lack ambition despite what he originally claimed.)

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 10:10

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 09:45

Given her current unhappiness, neither does what is happening now. It isn’t only his happiness that matters.

Money buys security and opportunity, both of which are things that can indeed provide happiness. If someone is unhappy because they’re struggling financially, it’s money that will buy their way out of it. Money isn’t guaranteed to buy happiness, no, but it certainly can.

There’s no reason they should be struggling on his salary of 40k

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 10:14

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 10:08

Well sounds like he’d be a lot better off without her. My DH likes nice things and works really hard but he doesn’t expect me to earn a minimum amount to maintain a certain lifestyle for him. Same here, if he was really unhappy in his job and wanted to work in McDs then obviously it would mean a change in lifestyle but I would support him. Current lifestyle is a bonus, not something I take for granted and enjoy what we have now knowing that things could change at any time for a multitude of reasons. We’ve had times in our marriage when we’ve both earned less/more and faced changes in lifestyle but we’ve just supported each other in whatever makes each other happiest. We just trust each other that the other is not lazy!

I doubt he would be, given that he’d be £120k worse off. She’d definitely be better off without him though.

No one said you couldn’t be happy with a similar situation. That’s fine, just as it’s also fine that other people wouldn’t be. If my husband decided to work for McDonald’s and left me to provide the lifestyle we enjoy then you can bet your ass we’d have big problems.

He led her to believe that they were on the same page and had shared goals. She’s busted her ass to work towards those goals, and he hasn’t even tried. Yet he’s happy to reap the benefits of her work.

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 10:16

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 10:10

There’s no reason they should be struggling on his salary of 40k

Thats entirely dependent on what lifestyle they’re aiming to have.

You may not struggle on £40k to afford the lifestyle you’re happy with, but that doesn’t mean others have to want your lifestyle, or that they’d be happy with it. People are perfectly entitled to want one that costs more.

Pherian · 24/06/2023 10:18

Move out of London. It’s filthy, expensive and no place to be raising kids.

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 10:18

G5000 · 24/06/2023 10:08

It really doesn't matter that some other people are just fine on 40K. Some other people are totally fine on minimum wage as well. But minimum wage (or 40K) would not be sufficient to pay my mortgage, pay for DC school and activities, our trips that we want to take, savings and investments we want to maintain etc. We are all happy with our current lifestyle. And if DH one day came home and said sod it, he has decided that for his personal happiness, he wants to go for a minimum wage job instead, and no he doesn't care about our current joint expenses any more - I should pat him on the back and say that yes dear whatever, your happiness is the most important thing?

Which, by the way, I have done - he was really unhappy in one of his jobs, so decided to try independent contracting for several years, and I was happy to support that, but that was my agreement, not his unilateral decision.

(Note that OP has never said that DH is suffering and depressed or anything like that, just a perpetual student who seems to lack ambition despite what he originally claimed.)

Sounds like some couples are just incompatible, she needs to leave as that is clearly the case of totally mismatched expectations. I really hope this poor guy finds a lovely new wife for whom his salary isn’t so important. If a 100k job then came along that he really wanted to go for and they end up living their marriage in the lap of luxury, that would be sweet karma

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 10:19

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 10:16

Thats entirely dependent on what lifestyle they’re aiming to have.

You may not struggle on £40k to afford the lifestyle you’re happy with, but that doesn’t mean others have to want your lifestyle, or that they’d be happy with it. People are perfectly entitled to want one that costs more.

She is entitled to leave if that’s what she wants, he’s got no obligation to fund that level of lifestyle

G5000 · 24/06/2023 10:24

If a 100k job then came along that he really wanted to go for and they end up living their marriage in the lap of luxury, that would be sweet karma

You have noticed OP is not sitting on her backside demanding the husband to bring home the bacon single-handedly? OP is on 120K, I think she'll be fine.

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 10:25

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 10:19

She is entitled to leave if that’s what she wants, he’s got no obligation to fund that level of lifestyle

as If she’s not clearly willing to work her ass off with a partner who meets her halfway 😂

He’s the one enjoying the lifestyle she’s providing. You’re right though, she should leave him to support himself, and I bet he quickly figures out for himself that £40k won’t stretch to cover what he’s currently happy to enjoy.

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 10:28

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 10:18

Sounds like some couples are just incompatible, she needs to leave as that is clearly the case of totally mismatched expectations. I really hope this poor guy finds a lovely new wife for whom his salary isn’t so important. If a 100k job then came along that he really wanted to go for and they end up living their marriage in the lap of luxury, that would be sweet karma

How would that be karma, exactly? OP is on £120k and working up the pay scale, I highly doubt she’d be kicking herself because her ex suddenly went for a job that he’d probably have let slide if he was still with.

OP will be fine. She’s going, driven, has a good job and no dependents. She’s a catch.

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 10:29

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 10:25

as If she’s not clearly willing to work her ass off with a partner who meets her halfway 😂

He’s the one enjoying the lifestyle she’s providing. You’re right though, she should leave him to support himself, and I bet he quickly figures out for himself that £40k won’t stretch to cover what he’s currently happy to enjoy.

Agree he’d be wrong to be miffed about that as that was his choice but it doesn’t sound like he would be that bothered. OP hasn’t said he’s the one insisting she brings home a high salary. They’re both better off separating

ProfessorXtra · 24/06/2023 10:30

I think if you look at the actual problem, this is not different to a lot of marriage issues.

Forget it’s about money. When they were younger they had a shared goal. Doesn’t really matter what that goal is. Now it’s not a shared goal. He has changed his mind.

It happens all the time in marriages. Plenty of women change their mind and want to be a sahp or work part time, when they didn’t before kids. Some people change their mind on how many kids, where they want to live, what lifestyle they want, what their values are, career they want an so on.

I am sure Op has changed in some ways as well. But when these changes come, it’s a decision about wether these changes are something you can both be happy living with or wether it means you are no longer compatible.

I don’t think it’s an issue Op isn’t happy. There’s been a big change in his views and ambitions. Op needs to figure out wether it’s something she can live with and, at some point, be happy about. Or not and leave.

Noether persons views on this is wrong. It’s just different. But it could mean that they are no longer compatible. That happens sometimes. Relationships don’t only end when one person has done something wrong. People change, sometimes coulee both change in ways they continue to be compatible. Some don’t.

What would be wrong is trying to force him to change his kind again and force him to move to a job he hates with commitments he doesn’t want. If would be wrong to try and force Op to accept the new status quo if she really doesn’t want to.

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 10:31

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 10:29

Agree he’d be wrong to be miffed about that as that was his choice but it doesn’t sound like he would be that bothered. OP hasn’t said he’s the one insisting she brings home a high salary. They’re both better off separating

He’s not bothered now because he doesn’t need to be, OP is the one paying the majority. If she leaves I bet you he won’t be so inclined to rest on his laurels.

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 10:34

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 10:28

How would that be karma, exactly? OP is on £120k and working up the pay scale, I highly doubt she’d be kicking herself because her ex suddenly went for a job that he’d probably have let slide if he was still with.

OP will be fine. She’s going, driven, has a good job and no dependents. She’s a catch.

If she’s fine on what she earns, what is she complaining about in the first place. The lovely irony would be that his new wife never actually married him for his money. Who knows he might of still gone on to get the 100k job while they were still together if she’d just not been so impatient

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 10:35

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 10:31

He’s not bothered now because he doesn’t need to be, OP is the one paying the majority. If she leaves I bet you he won’t be so inclined to rest on his laurels.

That should be the beauty of marriage, that you don’t have to stress about grafting away in something you don’t want to do as there are 2 of you to share the load

karmakameleon · 24/06/2023 10:39

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 10:34

If she’s fine on what she earns, what is she complaining about in the first place. The lovely irony would be that his new wife never actually married him for his money. Who knows he might of still gone on to get the 100k job while they were still together if she’d just not been so impatient

Because she’s supporting two people rather than one. And if she has children with this man, her salary will have to go even further. It’s perfectly reasonable that she’d like him to share the load.

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 10:41

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 10:34

If she’s fine on what she earns, what is she complaining about in the first place. The lovely irony would be that his new wife never actually married him for his money. Who knows he might of still gone on to get the 100k job while they were still together if she’d just not been so impatient

You know full well why she isn’t fine, if you’d bothered to read her posts. She isn’t fine to be in a relationship where her husband isn’t at least trying to meet her halfway to achieve what she believed to be their shared goals.

I doubt she’d care what he got up to once she left him, given that she’d have the freedom to concentrate on her own life and meet a lovely new partner who IS willing to be her financial equal. Who cares if he gets a lovely new wife, or what may or may not have happened if she’d just sucked it up and stayed with him? It’s irrelevant.

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 10:43

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 10:35

That should be the beauty of marriage, that you don’t have to stress about grafting away in something you don’t want to do as there are 2 of you to share the load

He’s not sharing the load though! She’s carrying it! That’s the point.

Maybe you’d be happy to support a partner in these circumstances, but that doesn’t mean that everyone has to be.

Stillgoings · 24/06/2023 10:47

Don't have kids with him OP if you are not happy with this situation. it doesn't sound like you have the same goals anymore..

ProfessorXtra · 24/06/2023 10:48

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 10:35

That should be the beauty of marriage, that you don’t have to stress about grafting away in something you don’t want to do as there are 2 of you to share the load

The beauty of marriage is that you can put other obligations onto the other person, even if they don’t want them?

Sharing the load only works if you are sharing the load. That doesn’t have to be 50:50 but the person carrying on the bulk of the load has to be happy doing so. If they aren’t happy with it, it’s not a beautiful thing at all.