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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

866 replies

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:19

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 23/06/2023 23:16

If my husband changed his mind, we'd have an issue.

But people change over time and you cant always know what direction life will take you in. All you can hope is that any changes you make are similar to or compatible with your partners. Sometimes that works out, and sometimes it doesn't. We don't know what we don't know or what the future will bring. Sounds like OPs partner has changed in his outlook. His prerogative but may mean they are not compatible any more.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/06/2023 23:23

Atethehalloweenchocs · 23/06/2023 23:16

If my husband changed his mind, we'd have an issue.

But people change over time and you cant always know what direction life will take you in. All you can hope is that any changes you make are similar to or compatible with your partners. Sometimes that works out, and sometimes it doesn't. We don't know what we don't know or what the future will bring. Sounds like OPs partner has changed in his outlook. His prerogative but may mean they are not compatible any more.

Of course people can change. I'd expect some communication though and I'd feel hurt if I was made to believe that nothing had changed, especially if it was a long period.

I agree that it sounds like they are no longer compatible.

gannett · 23/06/2023 23:30

DrSbaitso · 23/06/2023 15:53

What was your deposit? Did you have equity from previous sales?

Obviously don't answer these questions if they're too personal, but I don't get the impression you are FTBs and the situation is so different now for younger people starting on the ladder.

We were FTBs. Larger-than-usual deposit thanks to savings (mostly DP's). Zero parental help as I'm estranged from mine and DP may as well be estranged from his.

Kattitude · 23/06/2023 23:48

People grow, priorities change, if he’s happy and earning a good salary what’s the problem? Looks like you’re the problem…. Did you marry for love or a big house and expensive holidays?

Trying2understand · 24/06/2023 00:01

@carrotstyx it honestly could be worse (I know that's not the point). I have a friend in a similar position only her dh wouldn't agree to a lower paid job than he wanted/planned/expected even though the industry has dried up a bit in that regard and so he's on year 9 of more studies, working minimum wage fill in jobs now and the when the lack of his fiscal contribution puts the family in an even more precarious spot. He can't see that just b/c you can't get 6 figures it doesn't mean working for 30-40k isn't worth it.

Having said all of that there's also great value in a good work life balance. To me it's worth more than money. In fact this year I asked for a pay cut in essence to 'buy' more annual leave.

I think you will need to have a heart to heart and really listen to what you both want in life. People change and their expectations, needs and beliefs evolve. Maybe your dh has seen just how burned out people get and he's evolved and grown to see that money isn't the only deciding factor. It certainly isn't for me.

Also, I agree the Masters if he already has 3 (!) seems totally redundant!

SouthLondonMum22 · 24/06/2023 00:04

Kattitude · 23/06/2023 23:48

People grow, priorities change, if he’s happy and earning a good salary what’s the problem? Looks like you’re the problem…. Did you marry for love or a big house and expensive holidays?

Doesn't OP also deserve to be happy? Maybe OP doesn't want to carry the majority of the financial burden. I wouldn't want that either.

DrSbaitso · 24/06/2023 06:56

I suppose the true measure of what he needs to be happy would be how he felt if he had to support himself on his salary alone.

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 07:32

Kattitude · 23/06/2023 23:48

People grow, priorities change, if he’s happy and earning a good salary what’s the problem? Looks like you’re the problem…. Did you marry for love or a big house and expensive holidays?

Why assume you can’t marry for both? She married a man she believed would work with her to achieve those things.

He may be happy, but she isn’t. It’s funny how she’s supposed to be prioritising his happiness, yet it’s fine for him to ignore hers.

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 07:46

Be glad he’s in a job he enjoys, sounds like you could both live a nice enough life on your salaries. Having a partner who is in a job they don’t enjoy is no fun at all. Go for what you enjoy career wise too and then you won’t feel such a martyr

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 08:08

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 07:46

Be glad he’s in a job he enjoys, sounds like you could both live a nice enough life on your salaries. Having a partner who is in a job they don’t enjoy is no fun at all. Go for what you enjoy career wise too and then you won’t feel such a martyr

Ffs. On her salary, maybe. She was led to believe they were equally committed to making the money required to achieve the lifestyle they both wanted.

Instead he’s either lied to her or changed his mind, leaving her to carry the majority financial burden. He may be enjoying life, but she isn’t. She doesn’t need to ‘be glad’ at all.

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 08:17

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 08:08

Ffs. On her salary, maybe. She was led to believe they were equally committed to making the money required to achieve the lifestyle they both wanted.

Instead he’s either lied to her or changed his mind, leaving her to carry the majority financial burden. He may be enjoying life, but she isn’t. She doesn’t need to ‘be glad’ at all.

He earns 40k, a quite decent salary on its own, even if she suddenly decided to do a minimum wage job they could live a pretty comfortable life. Even if she decided to take a more relaxed 40k a year job then they would be on 80k between them!
She’s being totally unreasonable, feel very sorry for her DH, wonder if he even knew he was getting married on those terms?

DrSbaitso · 24/06/2023 08:21

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 08:17

He earns 40k, a quite decent salary on its own, even if she suddenly decided to do a minimum wage job they could live a pretty comfortable life. Even if she decided to take a more relaxed 40k a year job then they would be on 80k between them!
She’s being totally unreasonable, feel very sorry for her DH, wonder if he even knew he was getting married on those terms?

£40k is not a decent salary in London.

I know how that sounds and how nuts it truly is, but it's just a fact. London is one of the most expensive cities in the world and costs there are insane. Salaries that would be absolutely fine and maybe even a little high elsewhere are a pittance in London.

But even if that weren't true, she's not wrong to want a more expensive lifestyle when she's willing and even eager to do the work for it. She's not wrong to want a partner with the same vision either. But he doesn't sound like the one.

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 08:28

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 08:17

He earns 40k, a quite decent salary on its own, even if she suddenly decided to do a minimum wage job they could live a pretty comfortable life. Even if she decided to take a more relaxed 40k a year job then they would be on 80k between them!
She’s being totally unreasonable, feel very sorry for her DH, wonder if he even knew he was getting married on those terms?

£40k alone, especially in London, would not afford him the lifestyle he currently enjoys. That is made possible by OP’s salary.

it’s fine if you would be content on a lifestyle that cost less, but that doesn’t mean OP is or has to be. She married him believing they had shared goals in regards to what they wanted in life because that is what he led her to believe (so yes, sounds like he was well aware they were marrying on those terms!). Instead, he’s focusing on him while she is left to pick up the majority of the tab.

It’s fucking wild how she’s being told that the most important thing is his happiness, yet he’s hardly considering hers, is he? She doesn’t need to focus on his at all, he’s clearly got that covered.

Orangello · 24/06/2023 08:38

even if she suddenly decided to do a minimum wage job they could live a pretty comfortable life

Yes, and what if SHE decided to go for a relaxed part time minimum wage job as well? She doesn't get the option though, if they want to maintain anything similar to their current lifestyle. She is expected to fund it though.

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 08:39

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 08:28

£40k alone, especially in London, would not afford him the lifestyle he currently enjoys. That is made possible by OP’s salary.

it’s fine if you would be content on a lifestyle that cost less, but that doesn’t mean OP is or has to be. She married him believing they had shared goals in regards to what they wanted in life because that is what he led her to believe (so yes, sounds like he was well aware they were marrying on those terms!). Instead, he’s focusing on him while she is left to pick up the majority of the tab.

It’s fucking wild how she’s being told that the most important thing is his happiness, yet he’s hardly considering hers, is he? She doesn’t need to focus on his at all, he’s clearly got that covered.

Well most of don’t believe you should marry for money or because you believe it will buy you some amazing lifestyle. It isn’t as if he’s not working or expecting her to earning the salary she chooses to earn. It’s naive to go into marriage assuming your partner will always be earning x salary or want to go along the same career track. They don’t have to live in London, many other lovely parts of the country where their salaries would enable a great lifestyle. If she’s really not happy with his choice then she needs to leave and hopefully he’ll find someone a bit less materialistic next time. Thank goodness they haven’t had children yet

DrSbaitso · 24/06/2023 08:42

It’s fucking wild how she’s being told that the most important thing is his happiness, yet he’s hardly considering hers, is he?

I think she's getting this reaction because she is such a high earner. It's inevitably going to draw a lot of "I'm happy on much less than that" responses, with some degree of moralisation.

I believe those people are happy on less. And it's certainly easier to be happy the less you require for it. But it isn't what OP wants. Perhaps her priorities will change at a later point, perhaps they won't. But right now, this is what she wants out of her life. Good for her for knowing what she wants, doing the work to make it happen and wanting a compatible, like-minded partner. He's not wrong to want something different either, but it isn't fair for one person to gain their happiness at the literal expense of the other. Some people wouldn't mind the setup, but if she does, it's madness to go along with it.

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 08:42

Orangello · 24/06/2023 08:38

even if she suddenly decided to do a minimum wage job they could live a pretty comfortable life

Yes, and what if SHE decided to go for a relaxed part time minimum wage job as well? She doesn't get the option though, if they want to maintain anything similar to their current lifestyle. She is expected to fund it though.

Who says they need to maintain their current lifestyle, many of us have lived on far less quite happily and would choose to do so over a super stressful job we don’t enjoy. Who says he wouldn’t be happy to alter their lifestyles so she could do a relaxed minimum wage job. Maybe her happiness is more important to him than his is to her

Orangello · 24/06/2023 08:47

I think she's getting this reaction because she is such a high earner. It's inevitably going to draw a lot of "I'm happy on much less than that" responses, with some degree of moralisation.

Who says they need to maintain their current lifestyle, many of us have lived on far less quite happily and would choose to do so over a super stressful job we don’t enjoy.

Point well made 😁

And they had agreed their goals. He is changing them unilaterally. Either he wants her to fund their life, or he wants to change their agreed goal.

LlynTegid · 24/06/2023 08:50

Wanting to stay in a job which has hours that suit, reasonable colleagues, and does not leave you exhausted or worse by the end of the week, I can support fully. What I think is not good is not having a conversation about it, and accepting a worthless offer.

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 08:53

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 08:39

Well most of don’t believe you should marry for money or because you believe it will buy you some amazing lifestyle. It isn’t as if he’s not working or expecting her to earning the salary she chooses to earn. It’s naive to go into marriage assuming your partner will always be earning x salary or want to go along the same career track. They don’t have to live in London, many other lovely parts of the country where their salaries would enable a great lifestyle. If she’s really not happy with his choice then she needs to leave and hopefully he’ll find someone a bit less materialistic next time. Thank goodness they haven’t had children yet

Most people marry believing they have shared values and goals, and that does indeed include finances. OP believed they did, and she’s put the work in to achieve it. He hasn’t even tried to meet her halfway though, yet he’s happy to enjoy the proceeds of her hard work whilst he does his fourth masters. If it’s naive to trust that your partner will at least try to do what they’ve led you to believe they will, then it’s naive to trust at all.

No one said they had to live in London, but they want to and that’s absolutely fine. No one said everyone has to aspire to make a lot money in order to afford a desired lifestyle, but OP wants to and that’s absolutely fine too.

I did not date men that weren’t on the same financial page as me, as I wasn’t willing to fund another independent and able adult. I wanted an equal and that is what I found. If my husband suddenly decided that it was on me to carry the financial burden then we’d have a problem. If the roles were reversed I would expect my husband to have a problem too, because that isn’t partnership.

I bet if OP does extract herself now (and hopefully she does tbh) that he’ll quickly come to the conclusion that actually, £40k doesn’t go the lengths he needs it to.

gannett · 24/06/2023 08:55

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 08:28

£40k alone, especially in London, would not afford him the lifestyle he currently enjoys. That is made possible by OP’s salary.

it’s fine if you would be content on a lifestyle that cost less, but that doesn’t mean OP is or has to be. She married him believing they had shared goals in regards to what they wanted in life because that is what he led her to believe (so yes, sounds like he was well aware they were marrying on those terms!). Instead, he’s focusing on him while she is left to pick up the majority of the tab.

It’s fucking wild how she’s being told that the most important thing is his happiness, yet he’s hardly considering hers, is he? She doesn’t need to focus on his at all, he’s clearly got that covered.

Her happiness is more dependent on a certain "lifestyle" than being with someone she supposedly loves?

That's "you don't love this guy enough to marry him" territory. So maybe that was her mistake all along.

(I live in London, know exactly how far £40K goes and it's ludicrous to claim you simply can't live comfortably on it.)

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 08:56

Parkandpicnic · 24/06/2023 08:42

Who says they need to maintain their current lifestyle, many of us have lived on far less quite happily and would choose to do so over a super stressful job we don’t enjoy. Who says he wouldn’t be happy to alter their lifestyles so she could do a relaxed minimum wage job. Maybe her happiness is more important to him than his is to her

So? What’s that got to do with OP? No one said you shouldn’t be happy on less, but that doesn’t mean that OP has to be.

It isn’t reasonable for him to unilaterally decide to change their lifestyle without so much as a conversation with her. It’s not her happiness that’s important to him, it’s his. She should focus on her own, because someone in that pairing needs to.

whumpthereitis · 24/06/2023 09:00

gannett · 24/06/2023 08:55

Her happiness is more dependent on a certain "lifestyle" than being with someone she supposedly loves?

That's "you don't love this guy enough to marry him" territory. So maybe that was her mistake all along.

(I live in London, know exactly how far £40K goes and it's ludicrous to claim you simply can't live comfortably on it.)

As if the two can’t be intrinsically linked. Love can very quickly turn to resentment and dislike, especially if one person decides to completely switch up shared plans and dump the financial burden on their partner.

Dealbreakers exists, no matter how deep the love.

Again, no one said that you can’t be happy on £40k, but that doesn’t mean you have to be either.

DrSbaitso · 24/06/2023 09:01

Her happiness is more dependent on a certain "lifestyle" than being with someone she supposedly loves?

Her happiness most likely depends on having a partner who is compatible with her and has a shared outlook.

I think it's naive to suggest compatibility over money isn't a really crucial part of a relationship. Apparently it's the number one thing couples argue about.

concertgoer · 24/06/2023 09:37

So when he’s done with ANOTHER masters he can look for a new job.
mid ge gets the right one they may well give a golden handshake to pay off the previous employer. (Just watch as it’ll be taxable income - so some costs involved!)

but also remember that money doesn’t buy happiness & if he’s happy for the next 40 years that’s better than not being!!

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