To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

The man has three postgrad degrees already.

I might support a partner in doing one postgrad, but four is taking the mick. I can bet if he didn’t have the OP’s wage to fall
back on, he wouldn’t be planning a fourth.

Like the OP, I work hard in a stressful
job for good money. I’d like to have a fun job, but I don’t feel I can afford to. If a similarly high earning partner jacked in his career ambitions to have fun, that would be the end of it for me. Because it wouldn’t feel fair to me that he could have fun at my expense.

High earners typically do what they do
for the money - not because they get so much satisfaction from it!

and her happiness? I would indeed encourage her to consider that, given that he isn’t. She’s quite reasonably unhappy about carrying the financial burden she was led to believe would be shared.

I'm one of the minority. I think he should contribute more reading that you earn 3 times more ... if he is comfortable with this it actually is a real red flag for me. Good luck convincing him to do his bit. :)

What was your deposit? Did you have equity from previous sales?

Obviously don't answer these questions if they're too personal, but I don't get the impression you are FTBs and the situation is so different now for younger people starting on the ladder.

I personally think you’re expecting too much. It’s his life, if he is happy in his job and doesn’t want to change that, that is his choice. It is also your choice if you want to be with someone who has different plans for life than you do. You can’t control what other people do

The whole issue here is that OP and her partners goals have changed - she's committed to what they wanted originally and he clearly is not .

That's a huge issue to deal with in a marriage. One party will always be unsatisfied and possibly become full of resentment over time if they can't agree a way forward.

Certainly something to resolve not to just sit and wait for time to sort it out - its just wasting time for both of you.

Ah. Your posts have become a little clearer.

Whatever the marriage vows say, legally marriage is primarily a financial contract. The main reason I got married rather than living with my husband was to ensure financial protection for myself and any children we had. Lots of posters seem to forget this. If OP divorces down the line, she may end up paying him a substantial amount of money, especially if they have children but even if they don’t. It really is important to marry someone who shares your financial goals and values.

And in terms moral values, worth ethic is most definitely a moral value. I’m lucky in that DH’s work ethic translates into a high salary because of the area he works in, but equally when he was made redundant it translated into lots of DIY. If he’d sat on his arse or spent that year just indulging his hobbies I really wouldn’t have found that attractive.

Lots of posters don’t forget it@karmakameleon that was your reason for marrying it doesn’t apply to everyone. That’s not why I got married - I earned more at the time and we were too old to have children. We got married because we love each other and wanted to make a public, lifelong commitment to each other.

Wild guess but I bet majority of those posters saying that of course nobody needs to work and it's totally fine to do whatever you want as long as you are happy, are not the main earners in their respective relationships.
I'm sure OP's DH feels the same way. OP, as we can see, does not.

Regardless of why you got married, legally marriage is a financial contract. You’d be reckless to ignore that. I brought more to our marriage financially as I had more assets and DH and I earned similar amounts when we married. At the time I knew if we divorced I may lose my home so took a risk on that. Now he’s much better off as he has the considerably higher paid job and he knows that if we divorced he’d lose a lot of his assets. But that’s ok because that’s the contract we both chose to enter. Personally I wouldn’t have signed up if I thought I’d have to carry DH financially for the rest of my just because he couldn’t be bothered.

What about OP's happiness? Why is her husband's happiness more important than hers?

I wouldn't be happy being responsible for the majority of the financial burden, I'd want it to be shared just like I wouldn't be happy to have a 'default' parent who works less, I'd also want childcare to be shared.

Those values are important to me. If my husband changed his mind, we'd have an issue.

He obviously isn't as driven as he used to be - you can't force him into the job you think he should have. You can divorce him though and look for someone with your own aspirations and values, if you care more about them, than you do about him. You'll make him misreable otherwise.

But surely you would rather have a happy partner than lots of stuff paid for by your high pressure jobs?

Loaded question. Presupposes that the OP is money grabbing and values her DH's earning power rather than his happiness. It also presupposes high pressure jobs make people unhappy - they don't. Ambitious people thrive on high pressure jobs. The money is also lovely. Working with unambitious 9-5 slow quitters is some people's idea of marking time in jail, not happiness.

If OP values ambition and drive in her dh and he does not have it, it is no fun to be saddled with him for the rest of her life.

Why shouldn’t she care more about them? He clearly cares more about his than he does her, and if he doesn’t step up she’s going to miserable. Why is the onus on her to accept him and go with it, and not him? Why is his unhappiness more worthy of consideration than hers?

This. A thousand times this! £160k even in London is perfectly enough to live a bloody good lifestyle on and to say any other is quite unbelievable 🤷‍♀️

Definitely not. Someone who loves working won't have a desire to travel the world. Work is more exciting.
And unlike her DH I did the long hours in a high paying job - now enjoying the fruits of our combined labours. Didn't leave my H to fund our cushy life on his own

Someone who loves working won't have a desire to travel the world.

Why not? Travel is the motivation for many high earners.

The salary is irrelevant - you could earn 19K but inherit half a million.
I think that's understood
Did you buy solely on your own, FTB, with your own savings only?

Because then they don't 'love working'. The work is a means to an end - money.
If these people won the lottery they'd jack it in and travel.
And obviously if they loved both travelling and working they'd have chosen a job that allows that. Which the OP hasn't, that's why she needs money to pay for her own travel. Because it isn't bankrolled by a company.

Also @DrSbaitso understand that my comments are in context to PP's comparison with my own dynamic.
My H loves working. Not to the extent of long hours mind you. But even if he won the lottery he would not quit.
PP were trying to say that it's similar here, the OP loves working so whether her DH chooses to chill or not it's her that wants to work.

Based on the OP's annoyance and desire to travel/nice house I don't think this is true. She works because she needs money. For the things she wants. Otherwise this thread would not exist.

+work long hours not desire to work

Surely you either want to be travelling the world or to be career focussed? Both at the same time seem rather contradictory.

I hear that weekend overtime gets you the moon on the stick.

Meanwhile, when will those kids you want a nice home for see their mum and dad?

In some roles, a senior level can often mean more flexibility, not less. I didn't have a baby until 35 to be sure we were both at a senior level with flexibility, largely in control of our work diaries and mostly able to work from home.

This means that there is no default parent and both of us are able to spend quality time with our baby when not working.

I agree with the first paragraph.

But maybe that is why the OP wants to work long hours NOW? So that they've built up a nice nest egg for the travelling, and can take family friendly jobs for the kids.

I don't know what job she does but in big tech, high finance (investment banking etc) it's very common for people to do this.