To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

You should know what your deal breakers are before you enter into a serious lifelong commitment. Clearly if you’re prepared to break your “for richer, for poorer” marriage vows, you didn’t think it through very well in advance.

I wasn’t aware I needed to adhere to your standards as to how I should consider marriage.

That said , I did know and communicate my dealbreakers. So did my husband.

However, like in OPs case, sometimes people lie, or they change once you are married, and you find yourselves on different pages. That’s when you have to consider whether you want to continue being in the marriage. The vast majority of people have dealbreakers, and having them doesn’t mean they aren’t taking the commitment with whatever degree of seriousness they wish to.

I'm sorry but I don't agree with this at all. A single salary of 80k would equate to a take home salary of approx £4,600. 2 combined salaries of 40k each would be a slightly better take home salary of £5,200.

We live in a nice part of South East London (still relatively affordable compared to the rest of London) but you'd be hard pushed to find a house for under £700k.

With a £150k deposit and a £550k mortgage, monthly repayments at currently rates would be approx £3,300 for a 2 or 3 year fixed deal.

Full time nursery costs for 1 child are approx £1,800.

So on the best case 80k salary, that leaves £100 left to cover all other bills and living costs.

This is the reality we're now facing. Even having a decent deposit from a previous property, a combined salary for 2 people of 80k is nowhere near enough to afford a house in a nice area if you have young kids (or are planning to soon). The maths just doesn't add up.

I wasn’t talking about you personally @whumpthereitis. I should obviously have said “one” rather than “you”.

If financial differences are dealbreakers clearly it’s an indication that marriage vows aren’t being taken seriously - “for richer, for poorer” couldn’t be less ambiguous.

And this is coming from someone accusing Op's poster sitter on his arse because he earns less.

Also, this subscribes to the mentality that earning less means working less, which might be the case here but we don't know yet.

I'm sorry but I don't agree with this at all. A single salary of 80k would equate to a take home salary of approx £4,600. 2 combined salaries of 40k each would be a slightly better take home salary of £5,200.

We live in a nice part of South East London (still relatively affordable compared to the rest of London) but you'd be hard pushed to find a house for under £700k.

With a £150k deposit and a £550k mortgage, monthly repayments at currently rates would be approx £3,300 for a 2 or 3 year fixed deal.

Full time nursery costs for 1 child are approx £1,800.

So on the best case 80k salary, that leaves £100 left to cover all other bills and living costs.

This is the reality we're now facing. Even having a decent deposit from a previous property, a combined salary for 2 people of 80k is nowhere near enough to afford a house in a nice area if you have young kids (or are planning to soon). The maths just doesn't add up.

There is a chance OP and her dh has the same dynamic. Op loves working, her dh like you is so-so.

Okay, cool 🤷🏻‍♀️I disagree, but I have no desire you change your opinion. It’s not important to me.

If you’re taking about OP, DH is 40K salary, she is 120K, so 160K combined

If financial differences are dealbreakers clearly it’s an indication that marriage vows aren’t being taken seriously
So if you said "for better for worse" you can never divorce, no matter how bad it gets?

Aren't sex and finances among the top reasons for incompatibility leading to divorce?

Far better the OP acknowledges their incompatibility now before buying a home and starting a family.

How soon after they married this change of heart came about, would be interesting to know.

They had a plan to buy in London, has he abandoned that too or is he expecting her to magic up the morgage on her own?

Far better to accept her marriage is incompatible now, than to motor on with huge reservations.

It’s up to the people involved. For it to get bad enough for me to leave my bloke would have had to break his vows to love and cherish me.

Thanks! Sorry I was replying to a previous poster who is adamant you can live comfortably in a nice part of London and afford a house on a combined 80k salary!

(I've just figured out how to quote properly, haha)

Agreed the original OP should be OK but they'd struggle on only 80k

*to change your opinion.

btw, you don’t have to include ‘for richer or poorer’ in marriage vows if you don’t want to. Or indeed say the traditional vows at all.

I live in a nice part of London, and DP and I bought a three-bedroom house with a little garden on a combined 80k salary last year. I suspect a lot of MNers would turn their noses up at its size but I love it.

You are being very rude here. Before saying op's dh is sitting on his arse when he is in a full time job. Now to this poster that she can't read well.

Problem with discussions here is some posters get very strongs with their opinions and start insulting others.

For it to get bad enough for me to leave my bloke would have had to break his vows to love and cherish me.

Fair enough - personally I would not feel cherished if Dh came and declared that never mind what decisions we have jointly made about our lifestyle, he is not planning to contribute according to his ability any more, because he can't be arsed.

That's brilliant! I'm so glad you were able to do it last year. I wished we'd been able to buy in the last couple of years too but it's not been possible for various reasons and with current interest rates the repayments are just crazy now.

If you’re planning to live together your whole lives and spend 20 years raising kids, the only important thing is that you’re on board with what each other is doing. The figures are neither here nor there and nor is it a question of randoms on the internet voting on whether you’re “being unreasonable”. I suggest you voice your concern with your partner.

Pursuing academic studies doesn’t mean you’re not a grown up 🙄 I’m doing an MA part time and everyone on my cohort has a job and family, many in senior leadership roles, and volunteer etc too (no it isn’t an MBA)

If financial differences are dealbreakers clearly it’s an indication that marriage vows aren’t being taken seriously

Theres a difference between arguing over spending £200 or £300 on a new fridge VS who is going to do what job for the next forty decades.

^ years

People work for all different reasons and have different aims in where they want to get to. A zero pressure lower paying job is not to be sniffed at if it improves your quality of life. Seems like the issue here is that his aims and your expectations dont mesh any more. But surely you would rather have a happy partner than lots of stuff paid for by your high pressure jobs?

I'd have thought that too but after reading some of these replies I'm sure that many posters would rather have the money and the lifestyle, and screw whether their partner is happy or not.

"carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:39
TheSnowyOwl · 21/06/2023 17:36

If he’s very well qualified then why does he need further qualifications which presumably aren’t necessary? Is this a second masters he is doing or about to do?
This is kinda my point. This will be his fourth masters ..."

OP If it's his fourth master's, I agree it will do absolutely nothing for his employment situation or future earnings. It sounds like while he might want to earn more 'ideally', he knows he can't cope with the stress, pressure and possibly longer hours that will come along with that. Perhaps he's a lot more comfortable not being challenged and just staying on the path he is on.

A fourth masters might even detract from his future potential jobs - unless it's an academic field he is in, sort of looks like one of those people who feel comfortable in the safety of the education environment and are not cut out for commercial business.

If he can really move from earning £40,000 to a new job offering £80,000 - £100,000 why haven't you had the conversation as to what he's thought process is? Doesn't sound like your plans are aligned at the moment.