To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

Marriage is a contract and in contracts there are dealbreakers.

He has every right to change his goals, but expecting his wife to just carry on providing them with the same rewards having now opted out, is CF territory.

On the plus side, he has done it before property or children are factors, so she can exit cleanly if she wishes.

Marriage as business transaction first and foremost.

Well, it is a contract. You'd be foolish not to consider the implications before doing it. I don't think it's smart to marry someone you don't love, but if you're going to build a life together, money matters. And it matters more in London than most other places. I know how it sounds to a lot of people, and how crazy the situation is, but £40k really is a pittance over there. Think of it as another country.

If her priority pots of money I'm not going to advise her to stay in a relationship where she won't get it. Just that I would absolutely think very badly of anyone I knew who thought like that,

Respectfully, OP isn't asking you to think well of her. That's not really the issue. She needs to be compatible with her husband and if they aren't on an agreed page regarding earnings, it isn't going to work however much she is told she'd be a better human if she changed her feelings about it. Maybe she is materialistic or shallow, but she is who she is and people need to be true to themselves, or they'll never make themselves or anyone else happy.

If we're going to look at it this way, she's arguably on a higher moral footing than the much higher number of women who want to marry a six-figure earner but have no interest in becoming one themselves. She isn't asking him to do anything she's not prepared to do herself.

All moral judgements aside, I think they are incompatible and would be better off parting ways.

I think it's about different priorities. It's absolutely fine to be happy in £40k low stress job. It's equally fine to want to earn a large wage. The issue comes when priorities aren't aligned.

I want to have certain things in life (gigs, Sunday roast at the pub, budget holidays) and I don't want to be working to fund someone else. That's basically working hours without getting paid. Others may feel differently. That's fine too.

The OP and her partner no longer have the same priorities. I think it may be time for her to re-evaluate whether the different priorities mean they are no longer compatible.

I wasn't aware that commitment to a certain level of future earnings were part of any marriage vows? Correct me if I'm wrong as I'm not married, but one's husband only earning 40k when he said 5 years ago he wanted to earn 80k is not, in fact, an actual legal breach of contract.

I'm enjoying the euphemism "values and goals" for "money" by the way. Shared values are tremendously important to me but I'd have to squint a bit for that to encompass DP's salary.

Shared values are tremendously important to me but I'd have to squint a bit for that to encompass DP's salary.

A shared attitude towards money is very important for a life partnership. It goes without saying that this differs among couples, but the two people involved both need to be in agreement about it.

People can end a relationship for whatever reason they like.

Playing along though, but it would rather depend on the reason, wouldn’t it? There’s a difference between someone that’s strived and tried, and someone that hasn’t. Either way though, I’ll refer you back to my previous statement: people can end a relationship for whatever reason they like.

I don’t need to employ euphemisms, I’ve been quite clear. Money, and attitudes to money, are absolutely part of shared values, yes. If two people want a certain lifestyle that costs a lot of money then they need to be in agreement as to how that is paid for. Not everyone is going to be happy with shouldering the majority burden, and will want a partner on equal footing (as indeed I did).

OP believed she and her husband were on the same page in regards to this, but she’s found out now that they aren’t. That’s an incompatibility.

It sounds like you only married him for his earning potential! You are not guaranteed this. People change as they age, and so do their aspirations and choices. You sound a pretty entitled tbh.

Of course he has no right to complain if you also decide that you'd prefer a lower paid career.

If you aren't happy with this OP then firstly discuss and if it's not going to change then separate and find someone who is as ambitious and high flying as you at this stage.

I wouldn't normally say this but I don't get a sense of 'love' here- I get a sense of your head had already mentally built the lifestyle based on 2 very high incomes. I posted on another thread yesterday about looking for a decent commutable 2 or 3 bed house under £550k. Lady wanted south west of London and surrounding areas ideally - I posted lots of beautiful nice done up cottages in places like Weybridge, Walton, west molesey, Guildford, etc all this is still well within your reach on current income - even allowing for maternity leave etc . If it genuinely was about 'the guy' and not the peripherals you would be having a proper discussion about the way forward based on the fact he may never be a £100k a year chap- and he too needs to realign his expectations if that's the case, as your situation may not stay as it is too if you aren't prepared to accept this then you simply don't love him enough 'as he is' and better to get this sorted out before any kids involved--

As others have pointed out… you bought your first property years ago. There is no comparison. You had equity to play with. You wouldn’t get a mortgage for a million pound house on 80k now!

@gannett I too am laughing at 'values and goals ' as a euphemism for 'hard cash' -- it's bit like guys who talk about quality time together when in 9 cases out of 10 they mean sex.

It’s clear you’re disappointed, but if he has had enough of the stress and really feels happy in his new role then I can understand why he wants to stay. How would you even begin to phrase that conversation l, ‘listen, I’d rather you were stressed and had less time to spend with me, because I’d prefer the higher salary….’. He may have wanted a high earning high power role before, he is allowed to change his mind, as are you.

Again, it’s been made very clear that ‘values and goals’ does include attitudes towards hard cash, because attitudes towards money will reflect the type of partnership, lifestyle and future they wish to have.

No one is shying away from that fact, and it’s not something that even needs to be shied away from.

My partner has absolutely no say in my career whatsoever though, so yes, in terms of my job I will do what I WANT without prior agreement from a man who isn't in my field of work.

How about your obligations for your family? I have kids, we have a mortgage and other obligations, I have a nice 6-figure job, and a little side hobby that earns me a few hundred or so a month. But the evening job is indeed really fun and relaxing.

So it would be totally reasonable to tell to DH, without any consultation, that I have quit my main job and my contribution to family pot will now be 500 quid, I do what I want?

There is a lot to be said for a zero pressure job that still pays decently. Its not fair if he's relying on you alone to get the lifestyle you both want - but maybe he isn't so bothered about that now and actually just wants you both to have a more relaxed day to life with an ok income? If the market for his role is so good he should go elsewhere. Just because it's a big organisation doesn't mean he can't ask for a pay rise and if they want to keep him they will agree something with him. Studying for a Masters will certainly impact his time heavily and if it's not going to be beneficial in the long run it's not worth it at all.

Where's all the "family pot is all ours" shit that's regularly spouted on here, where's the "you should do right for you working isn't everything?"

I personally do not agree with those 'oh yes sure quit your job for precious moments, who needs money anyway' posters. Maybe because I live in a world where one very much needs money. Maybe I'm doing it wrong..

I don't agree with them either but in reversed situations where a DH isn't happy about how much his wife is contributing or posts where someone spends a lot on a hobby, this bollocks is thrown out regularly, not here though oh no. OP wants a nice house and world travel and her husband is the arsehole for not earning enough to fund it. I imagine it was a case of OP going oooh let's do this and this and this and DH saying that sounds nice, to shut her up

As if plenty of people haven’t been on this thread defending the husband to the hilt.

If the husband purposely misled or lied to her then he is indeed an arsehole. If he just changed his mind then that’s unfortunate, but it doesn’t mean OP would be unreasonable to leave.

Why are people so affronted by expecting a shared approach to finances to be a respected value in marriage?

So many people are financially illiterate in this country and some on here seem to think it unseemly to be even talk about money, mocking it as ‘cold, hard cash’.

I earn very well. So does my partner. If he had wafted about pretending to be ambitious and with the same goals at me, and earning a small amount while living a lifestyle only afforded to him by my income, I’d have ended the relationship. I’d expect him to have done the same.

He also takes a 50% role when it comes to childcare and domestic chores. Something we both expect. Another shared (and discussed) value.

There was a brief time when I was on maternity leave (something we had both financially planned for) whereby the balance of domestic chores fell slightly more to me between certain working hours of the day, but when I went back to work we had things arranged to be 50:50 again.

It’s about communication and shared goals. If one person is saying something but very much doing another, then that is wrong. And the OP is justifiably unhappy about it.

people can end a relationship for whatever reason they like.

They can. But if you see marriage as such a trivial commitment, why do it? It’s hardly taking marriage vows seriously, is it? What was it Shakespeare said? Love is not love if it alters where it alteration finds.

It’s always the way tbh. Wanting a high income and the lifestyle is soulless, grasping and shallow, whereas scraping by is both virtuous and the key to happiness. Standard Protestant shite.

@YeahIsaidit indeed- if my H had said at 30, I want a 4 bed house in a lovely area and lots of travel, I would probably have said I did too. However sometimes it really doesn't work out like that - and if your aspirations have changed or you realise you aren't cut out for being a go getter then a conversation needs to be had- as I said below it all comes down to whether you love the person enough to accept them as they are and compromise- if you are no longer on the same page and not prepared to modify your aspirations then separate.

I don’t think incompatibility in regards to attitudes towards finance and lifestyle are ‘trivial’. In fact I think it’s very important.

Shakespeare said a lot of things. I don’t refer to him for marital advice any more than I do for pointers on regicide.

By that logic though, if anyone has dealbreakers at all then they do not in fact love.

But why the hesitation in saying when it was? Lots of posters asked you.

Someone's values are their morals, politics and ethics to me. Their salary isn't part of that at all. Unless you just meant their financial value.

I'm interested in what you think "for richer or poorer" actually means, given that that's something which IS in most marriage vows, and "I promise I'll earn six figures in 10 years" isn't. There doesn't seem to be any sense that your life partner should be someone you care about and enjoy as an individual person whose worth isn't tied to their bank account or wage packet.

Isn't the Protestant shite the framing of work ethic and earning money as a moral value, though.