To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

If you want kids, I would accept that he is going to be the 'default' parent (the one whose career takes a sideline for when they're ill, need holiday cover, need someone to go to a school play etc- there's always one!) and that he dies more of the housework etc (as long as he's up for that as part of the bargain) and let him stick to the low pressure job.

He's hardly cruising when he's still working full time, earning 40k (which isn't nothing) and it's fully funded. Some people like studying and it isn't stopping him from contributing so I don't see the issue

Yet he’s still benefiting from her £120,000 when she expected him to be pulling equal weight, or at least actively trying to.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You have shared goals but only one of you is working towards them. That said, there’s nothing wrong with having different roles in the relationship but this doesn’t sound like a mutual agreement. I think sitting down together and working out a mutual budget and timeline will be helpful. Maybe he doesn’t have the financial literacy to see how his choices impact what he (and you) had hoped for.

I really don't think this thread would be anywhere near as long if the genders were reversed. If a man came on and said that his wife wasn't earning enough there'd be uproar, nobody would be calling her selfish or lazy

For unilaterally making a decision that majorly impacted their once-shared vision for the future, and expecting him to just be okay with that? Yes, I absolutely would be saying the same thing.

Also - just because he’s the lower income doesn’t mean he’ll truly accept being the default parent or doing the brunt of housework. The two don’t necessarily correlate.

Goals change, feelings change, I'd be happier with a DP that was relaxed in their job rather than being miffed they weren't earning enough. It's OK to change your mind, it's OK to work a job that YOU WANT. I don't see any unilateral decision making, just someone putting their mental health and happiness first

40k is too low to live in London. It's barely above what a grad is paid. You're right to be concerned.

It's OK to change your mind, it's OK to work a job that YOU WANT

And it's also not OK to accept a partnership where one partner does what HE WANTS without any agreement from the other.

True. That's another conversation to have.

As an adult nobody else has any say on how you choose to earn money. I'm regularly baffled by some of the attitudes on here. If he was laying around unemployed I'd maybe get it but that isn't the case. There was a comment earlier saying that due to DHs not earning more OP wouldn't be able to have a career break or take extended maternity (for kids that don't yet exist) therefore saying in a roundabout way that it's fine for women to live on their husband's earnings but this dude is getting blasted for earning less than OP would like and that he's wrong to be benefitting from her wage. Where's all the "family pot is all ours" shit that's regularly spouted on here, where's the "you should do right for you working isn't everything?" it's misandry in flowery clothes

No, but another adult can decide they no longer want to be in a relationship with someone who has changed the financial goalposts.

there have been threads where a poster is complaining about their husband not being supportive of her dropping her hours, and while there has been support for her (like there is support for him on this thread) there have also been plenty of people agreeing with the husband and understanding why he wouldn’t want to take on the majority of the financial burden.

Of course it’s unilateral decision making. She thought they were a team working towards the same goal, yet he’s decided that no longer works for him. That impacts OP.

It’s fine if it works for you, no one has said it can’t. If you’re in the situation you’re fully entitled to decide that for yourself. That doesn’t mean OP has to feel the same way, and she doesn’t have to just suck it up and accept it either. Just as he’s entitled to decide he doesn’t want to progress his career, she’s entitled to decide whether or not the relationship is going to work for her going forward now that she knows they no longer share the same values and goals.

Would you not have married him if he had not promised to be on a large salary one day?

I get it may be frustrating if he has changed his mind on life goals, but if he is happy that seems the bigger win. A combined salary of 160k is a good amount to have coming in, perhaps you need to decide if you want to be with him still and if you do, adjust your goals together. Moving a little out of London would make that salary go a lot further.

This is the perfect example of that saying that says women marry men hoping they will change, men marry hoping their wife won't change.

"I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure" - so?

His dreams aspirations are HIS. If I felt my husband was judging me and my career goals or lack of I would be fucking disgusted.

As long as he is contributing fairly to the household there's no issues.

My partner has absolutely no say in my career whatsoever though, so yes, in terms of my job I will do what I WANT without prior agreement from a man who isn't in my field of work.

It's really bizarre to think that I might have to run potential work decisions - clients to take on or not, roles to apply for or not - past my partner before I make them. Of course once I've made my decision I'll communicate that with him, but we don't stick our oars into each other's professional lives.

4th masters?

He's happily opting out of the plan OP and you need to have a long hard think.

You are being set up as the main earner, provider and haver of children.

He may prefer to stay in his low pressure job.

This would highly likely mean you will carry the mental load for the family too.

Most women do.

If this is a scenario you are happy to commit to, crack on.

If it isn't then make some tough decisions before your assets are joined.

How long after you married did he make this decision to opt out?

A 4th masters is a hobby at this stage.

Fourth masters!!!! He is a perpetual student. Better get his finger out. I agree

Maybe she wouldn’t have done, and that’s absolutely fair enough. Most people want their relationship to one of shared values and goals, and changing goalposts can very reasonably be considered a dealbreaker.

I didn’t date men that weren’t on equal financial footing to me. It didn’t matter if they were otherwise lovely, it was important to me to have a partner that I wouldn’t be required to pay for in order to enjoy my chosen lifestyle. It was important that we had the same vision for the future. If my husband suddenly changed those goalposts the I would have to reassess our relationship as we would not longer be compatible. I would expect my husband to feel the same if I was the one that changed my mind.

for some people it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker and that’s absolutely fine. It doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker. For others though it would be, and that’s fine too.

An appropriately corporate response here, written as though the OP's husband is in breach of contract. Marriage as business transaction first and foremost.

I agree that the OP is entitled to do what she wants. If her priority pots of money I'm not going to advise her to stay in a relationship where she won't get it. Just that I would absolutely think very badly of anyone I knew who thought like that, because to me the point of a loving relationship is that you want to be with someone for who they are, not what they earn, might earn or want to earn. For the latter to be your priority to the extent that you'd dump someone for not providing it is just a bit low.

Sure, but your partner is also free to end the relationship if your values no longer align, and he wouldn’t be unreasonable to do so.

This.

Its ok to say that I have no wish to remain in a relationship where you have NOW opted to work in a job that pays a third of mine but hope to own half a house in London that is the result of my salary.

I certainly wouldn't want to be having children with someone who was so happy for me to be the family work horse and the person who has to have children and be responsible for them.

Not an attractive offer IMO.

Marriage is indeed a contract, correct.

it’s important to me that my husband and I share the same values and goals. If we no longer did then yes, I would seriously reassess the relationship and likely leave it. If I was the one that fundamentally changed then I would expect my husband to do the same. If anyone wants to bother themselves to think badly of me for that then they can go right ahead, that isn’t something I’m going to give a shit about 🤷🏻‍♀️

As long as he is contributing fairly to the household there's no issues.

But, it’s rather the point that he isn’t…

Some people are really missing the crux of the issue.