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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

866 replies

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:19

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

OP posts:
Sirius3030 · 23/06/2023 10:54

He is massively disrespecting you. Lots of red flags here. Time to see a solicitor, check your finances, and prepare to leave.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 23/06/2023 10:56

Ferferksake · 23/06/2023 10:53

So the gravy train got derailed.

It's time to consider which you love the most; your husband, or the extra £40k you think he should be earning.

If it's the former, you'll have to settle for fewer luxuries in your lives; if it's the latter, for both of your sakes, get divorced.

How is he the gravy train? 🤨

Rosieposy89 · 23/06/2023 10:58

Honestly stop being greedy. Maybe your partner's priorities have changed. Happiness in your job is better than a big salary

Pubgardener · 23/06/2023 10:58

You say that you’re both driven people but you’re not. You are driven whereas he just talks about being driven. At the moment he has no need to work harder because you have a nice lifestyle and security which is provided by you- he doesn’t need to do anymore.

if when you’d got together he had spoken about career satisfaction and work life balance being the motivators then that would be one thing, but he sold you one images and has now moved the goal posts. You are well within your rights to be annoyed

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 23/06/2023 10:59

gannett · 23/06/2023 10:54

Do you usually think people who change their minds are liars?

When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him

From the OP ^

Do I think people who move the goalposts without communicating effectively or honestly with their partners are liars? Yeah I do, yeah.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 23/06/2023 11:01

People are so distracted by the figures they can’t see the actual issue, and we get silly little posts calling the OP ‘greedy’ for wanting her partner to do what he said and not coast along reaping the benefits of her hard work.

gannett · 23/06/2023 11:02

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 23/06/2023 10:59

When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him

From the OP ^

Do I think people who move the goalposts without communicating effectively or honestly with their partners are liars? Yeah I do, yeah.

"When we first met". How many years ago was that?

Now he's changed his mind he has communicated that effectively to her.

Pipsquiggle · 23/06/2023 11:03

I would be resentful as well OP.

Literally what is the point of yet another masters? What will this give him? Is it just for the joy of learning?

His employers know they are under paying as well. Your DH is being screwed over and he is letting them.

Which sector does he work in?
I do feel this is very relevant for earning potential e.g. if he's in finance, studied economics, got multiple masters then £40k is a pittance. If he's in the arts, multiple masters, £40k still feels low but will probably never have the earning potential as other sectors.

whumpthereitis · 23/06/2023 11:05

He may have misled and lied to her, or he may have changed his mind. If it’s the latter then he owed OP a conversation, she had/has every right to know that they’re no longer on the same page. Sure, he may be worried it’s a dealbreaker, but that’s something that’s on him to accept. It doesn’t mean he has the right to deceive OP and deny her full information and agency.

Career progression doesn’t suit everyone, and no one is saying it needs to. It is however important to OP, and she was led to believe it was important to her DH.

Ferferksake · 23/06/2023 11:06

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 23/06/2023 10:56

How is he the gravy train? 🤨

He was also meant to be on it, but his train got derailed. She's on hers just fine! Sorry - left open to too much interpretation.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 23/06/2023 11:08

gannett · 23/06/2023 11:02

"When we first met". How many years ago was that?

Now he's changed his mind he has communicated that effectively to her.

I think you’re slightly grasping now.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 23/06/2023 11:08

I would not support someone to do a fourth Masters, it's taking time and energy away from the rest of life, for what?

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 23/06/2023 11:10

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 23/06/2023 11:01

People are so distracted by the figures they can’t see the actual issue, and we get silly little posts calling the OP ‘greedy’ for wanting her partner to do what he said and not coast along reaping the benefits of her hard work.

What, like countless women on here do - living off their “six figure income” husband while either working part time or not at all?!

gannett · 23/06/2023 11:11

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 23/06/2023 11:08

I think you’re slightly grasping now.

I think the stranger reach is the one that assumes he was lying from the get-go about his ambitions.

gannett · 23/06/2023 11:11

Highdaysandholidays1 · 23/06/2023 11:08

I would not support someone to do a fourth Masters, it's taking time and energy away from the rest of life, for what?

Is gaining knowledge and learning new things not a valuable part of life?

whumpthereitis · 23/06/2023 11:12

Rosieposy89 · 23/06/2023 10:58

Honestly stop being greedy. Maybe your partner's priorities have changed. Happiness in your job is better than a big salary

His priorities are allowed to change of course, but that doesn’t mean OP has to be happy with, or accept, that. It means what she believed to be their shared values are no longer in alignment, and she may very reasonably decide that isn’t what she wants in life.

He owes her a conversation if his priorities have changed, he doesn’t get to just string her along whilst reaping the benefits of her wages.

whumpthereitis · 23/06/2023 11:13

gannett · 23/06/2023 11:11

Is gaining knowledge and learning new things not a valuable part of life?

Sure, but not something OP has to either fund or want in a partner.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 23/06/2023 11:13

whumpthereitis · 23/06/2023 11:05

He may have misled and lied to her, or he may have changed his mind. If it’s the latter then he owed OP a conversation, she had/has every right to know that they’re no longer on the same page. Sure, he may be worried it’s a dealbreaker, but that’s something that’s on him to accept. It doesn’t mean he has the right to deceive OP and deny her full information and agency.

Career progression doesn’t suit everyone, and no one is saying it needs to. It is however important to OP, and she was led to believe it was important to her DH.

Exactly. Good post.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 23/06/2023 11:14

gannett · 23/06/2023 11:11

I think the stranger reach is the one that assumes he was lying from the get-go about his ambitions.

When did I say that? I said he’s lying to her now. Because he’s moved the goalposts and is neglecting to communicate this to the OP.

whumpthereitis · 23/06/2023 11:15

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 23/06/2023 11:10

What, like countless women on here do - living off their “six figure income” husband while either working part time or not at all?!

It’s one things if partners are in agreement and the higher earner is happy for the lower earner to work part time, but that isn’t the case here.

Anyone, male or female, is entitled to be pissed off if their partner changes the goal posts on them without so much as a conversation.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 23/06/2023 11:17

@gannett I think he's probably quite educated enough already if he has three Masters and they aren't old enough to have had their kids by now. It's about money and energy and where that's spent.

gannett · 23/06/2023 11:20

whumpthereitis · 23/06/2023 11:13

Sure, but not something OP has to either fund or want in a partner.

She's entitled to leave. Like I said, she probably should. I wouldn't have any sympathy for him if he then complained about having less money.

@Tiddlypomtiddlypom he is communicating that he's changed his mind. That's why we have this thread. He's told OP what he wants to do now.

@Highdaysandholidays1 I don't think there's such a thing as "educated enough". Always more things to know and learn. Many people realise they value this more than money.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 23/06/2023 11:32

Working regular hours in a job that give you low stress and i also offering to pay for you to do higher education doesn't sound too bad to me TBF!
It sounds like your husband is happy where he is - thats a GOOD thing!
Sure he may have had ambitions in the past - but not everyone is destined for a high power big wage job - and also people are allowed to change their ambitions as life moves along.

So OP your lifestyle is now not likely to meet your original expectations. You need to change your aspirations and expectations to match the income you have - not the income you thought the household was going to have. You need to talk to him about that - not a bunch of randoms on the internet.

Just because you have ambitions - doesn't mean you husband has the same.

whumpthereitis · 23/06/2023 11:53

OlderandwiserMaybe · 23/06/2023 11:32

Working regular hours in a job that give you low stress and i also offering to pay for you to do higher education doesn't sound too bad to me TBF!
It sounds like your husband is happy where he is - thats a GOOD thing!
Sure he may have had ambitions in the past - but not everyone is destined for a high power big wage job - and also people are allowed to change their ambitions as life moves along.

So OP your lifestyle is now not likely to meet your original expectations. You need to change your aspirations and expectations to match the income you have - not the income you thought the household was going to have. You need to talk to him about that - not a bunch of randoms on the internet.

Just because you have ambitions - doesn't mean you husband has the same.

He led her to believe he had the same thought, that’s the problem.

It can be a good thing for him, yes. That doesn’t mean OP has to either like or accept the fact that they’re no longer on the same page. His priorities changing does not mean OP has to go along with that, or that she would be unreasonable if she decided not to.

Shared goals are generally important in a relationship, and a misalignment of important values can easily lead to a marriage being poisoned by resentment. OP would be right to consider if this new development works for her, or if she wants to end the relationship.

DrSbaitso · 23/06/2023 11:59

Ferferksake · 23/06/2023 11:06

He was also meant to be on it, but his train got derailed. She's on hers just fine! Sorry - left open to too much interpretation.

How is she on a gravy train? She's earning her own money.