To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

Reality usually disallows cruising with multiple masters too.

I wouldn't say she married him for his earning potential but that when they married they had marching expectations and goals. The OPs have remained the same whereas her DH's have not. She supported him through what she saw as a blip but is now disappointed that it seems it is not a blip but what he wants as his new normal.

There is nothing wrong with being disappointed that your life isn't turning out the way you (reasonably) expected it to. I say reasonably because at the outset he was singing the same tune.

Basically now OP needs to decide whether it is enough of a deal breaker to lead to ending the relationship or whether she is able to adapt her view of how a happy future with him would look.

Why on earth does he want to be a perennial student?

You don't sound very well matched TBH.

Do you love him or is he just a salary to you?
there’s nothing wrong with studying because you enjoy it, he’s also in paid employment it’s not as if he’s a ‘student’.
sometimes high pressure, highly paid jobs aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. If he’s not what you want then by all means don’t stay with him but it’s really unfair to try and change him and force him to change jobs for your satisfaction

OP hasn't been back in two days. I'd say she's got her answer.

Firstly I love DH and we have a very good marriage. I do empathise though OP. Throughout our marriage it has been me that has done the bulk of the earning and me that has taken the pressure so that we can buy a nice house, support our children fully through college etc. Yes DH has worked for some (but not all) of that period but there has been quite a disparity and at times I have felt that this was unfair. Overall though as I say we love each other and I am sure there are things he might say I do which are mild irritants for him. I do not think it is unusual that as a relationship progresses people change and one perhaps has a little less ambition than the other. The question is the extent to which this is important when you take everything else he does into account.

Presumably OP married him believing they had shared values and goals for their future (generally something people believe to be important for a relationship). It doesn’t matter if anyone else believes they have enough money already, or that working more isn’t worth it, he’s changed the goalposts on her, leaving her to bear the majority of the financial burden. Of course she feels pissed off, and if the roles were reversed he would be fully entitled to be pissed off too.

As far as children goes: money provides security and opportunities throughout childhood and even into adulthood. Both my parents worked full time in high paying jobs and them doing so has benefited both my brother and I immensely in countless ways. For that we are both thankful.

Are you with your partner for money or love ?

Are you in competition or a relationship ?

Oh dear a 4th master?! It seems quite useless in my opinion. I agree with OP that £40k in London really is quite low given that he’s got 3 masters and specialised in a certain area. If you haven’t bought A house together yet, can you try to split money with him and make him see sense of how much is required for a decent lifestyle?

It sounds like you are not compatible in terms of goals and aspirations.

It just seems like you have different priorities. You are focussed on high salaries and he is focussed on a job that isn't too taxing. Neither one of you is wrong just different. But I'm not saying its ok just to drift along in some hobby type own business which barely makes a profit and expect to be supported by your partner. It isn't. Depends if he is making a reasonable financial contribution to the household.

As ever, posters are threatened by or distracted by the sums involved.

But the OP is absolutely not unreasonable to be resentful at her own efforts propping up the perpetual desire to coast and ‘study’, by a man who can surely see that four Masters degrees are completely valueless, who is earning a relatively low salary for his circumstances, qualifications and location, but more importantly lied to her about his aspirations, thus pretending they were on the same page, when they were not.

Amazing how men are still expected to be work focussed and yet women would be applauded for getting a good work/life balance

The rot has set in op. You are not just on different pages, you are on different pages.

Blooms are unlikely to reappear once the rot has set in. It won't be long before you get the ick.

I imagine you are both quite young, late 20s? Neither of you will be positive for each other.

If you loved and respected him, it wouldn't matter.

FWIW DS and dil manage quite well but only just on about £70-£75k in London. DS is doing what he loves post PhD, on about £35k at present with a top salary of £90kish if he firstly gets a permanent role and then makes professor in the future. He is doing what he loves and fortunately dil supports it.

Gaining knowledge has intrinsic value.

Lots of disparaging comments about "eternal students" on this thread but I have a few acquaintances who've done multiple Masters degrees in their fields and/or quit careers to go back to study, and it's usually a thirst for knowledge that drives them. Masters degrees are hard, it's not opting out of hard work. It's more about wanting to spend their time doing something that interests and fulfils them. They're also some of the most interesting people I know and I'm much happier to spend time with them than some of my more career-driven acquaintances who can only talk about their boring mortgages and boring kids and boring school fees.

Also, changing one's mind about one's life priorities isn't the same as lying, no matter how much you put it in bold.

It’s not really fair to say ‘it suited us’ because it aligned with your own hours & career trajectory, really it suited you.
however;
DH absolutely should be talking to you when his goals change. I’m thinking you’ve planned out a life together & some / a lot of that would depend on finances. If he’s accepted a job so low paying that it means living in an area you don’t like permanently rather than temporarily; if you’re delaying starting a family because his finances aren’t where he said they would be; if you’re covering a hugely disproportionate amount of your financial commitments as a couple, if he is living a champagne lifestyle on lemonade wages at your expense; and definitely if he is working massively less hours & not sharing fairly the workload at home, this needs a frank conversation about how you move forward together & adjust your expectations as a couple. I don’t think you’re wrong to feel tricked because essentially you have been, but I do feel that the value of a job you love that doesn’t take over your life is immeasurable, at the same time if this is putting massive financial pressure on you to cover the shortfall then something has to change, either your financial goals together or his contribution.

"Since" is doing a lot of heavy lifting there. We don't know why he's changed his mind.

OP is perfectly free to leave him, I'd never say she should stay and make herself miserable. In fact if her love for him is predicated on his earning potential she probably should leave him. If she did, he certainly wouldn't have the right to be annoyed that she's taken her salary with her.

When you have kids a stable 10-6 job will be invaluable, he’ll be able to do the school run in the morning and pick up from wraparound care in the evening.
When my son was smaller, my husband (also very qualified) quit his well paying job, did a PGCE and became a secondary school teacher. He immediately halved his income, but was around to do pickups and we never had to worry about child care in the school holidays, plus he was a lot happier.
sounds like you care more about what you can get in terms of house etc rather than happiness and work/life balance.

I have a degree, multiple postgraduate qualifications in industry, a Masters and a PhD.

When you’re onto your fourth Masters degree, you are doing so to delay progression. The financial cost for many of them is not reflected in career progression opportunities.

And many Masters are simply a rehash of the material used in the third year of the corresponding Bachelors.

He will likely make minimal gains from the is, it’s a way of the company retaining him and creating the illusion of it being a benefit to him. It’s not. Other than it being the least taxing road he can take.

But as I said, he told the OP something that he has illustrated was not true. He lied to her. And she’s understandably resentful.

"Career progression" is not a priority for some people and that's absolutely fine.

Taking the least taxing road is also fine. We have one life and it's fine to decide you actually want to enjoy it rather than martyring yourself in your job out of some misguided sense that hard work is the only way to be virtuous.

Once again, changing your mind a decade into your working life is not lying.

“Career progression" is not a priority for some people and that's absolutely fine.

Of course it’s fine. But that’s not what’s happening here. He’s maintained a lie to the OP about his desires and priorities, while coasting along happily in an untaxing role, and reaping the benefits of her hard work. That’s not fine. It’s not team playing. And if they’re going to build a future together and have children, which naturally impact her more than him, they need to be on the same page.

So the gravy train got derailed.

It's time to consider which you love the most; your husband, or the extra £40k you think he should be earning.

If it's the former, you'll have to settle for fewer luxuries in your lives; if it's the latter, for both of your sakes, get divorced.

Do you usually think people who change their minds are liars?