To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

@gannett I totally agree. When I met my H he was quite a bohemian type , had changed career at 30 and wasn't a high earner at all but he was talented and had a good work ethic. He's a highish earner in his late 50s but I couldn't have predicted that- I've had other challenges along the way that impacted my feelings but it wasn't earnings related- I know one of the reasons he likes me was I liked him when he had bugger all and I know if he was on his own now he would be very suspicious of anyone over invested in his earnings.

@gannett LOL I agree. MN hates men.
At the same in this particular case I think personal values, need for money, career identity etc are all conflated.

Having gone to a prestigious university (with a high earning degree), most people aren't blind to the amount of work it takes. It is easier however to climb the ladder as fast as you can when young and child-free (which is what I did), and then coast.
Especially because you can trade off the initial 'prestigious' jobs to pivot into something more family friendly.
Money earned and invested when young is also worth more thanks to the time value.
Very few people actually want to become MD, CEO or whatever it is.

However, some people want to enjoy their youth and free time. That's fine too. We're all different.

The OP's AIBU is 'Am I right to feel a bit annoyed' to which the answer is yes for me because . If you're working all hours with the hope of enjoying it later the one not 'pulling their weight' is enjoying life at your expense. Of course, as you said it is a choice, and people can change their minds. But that's the way it feels.

Especially if they haven't adjusted their life plans. So they still want the benefits, but not the work.

It's different if they tried and failed btw - which is what you're referring to.

Me too.

Of course they are and people are also allowed to be unhappy if a partner changes their mind and decide that it won't work because they want different things.

There's also a difference between trying but failing and not trying at all. It doesn't sound like OP's husband is trying, it sounds like he's changed his mind since OP is now a high earner and that is what would bother me.

Sounds like OP's husband is doing just that, relying on her higher salary and that would be an issue for me.

As for her... well, "for richer or poorer" is one of the most essential marriage vows, and it underpins any long-term commitment too. It's not even about ambition or drive - getting and staying rich is as much about luck as hard work. An ambitious, hard-working partner's successful business could be derailed by forces beyond their control. The point of having a life partner is that they're there for you anyway, because they love you for who you are and not what material things you provide.

But it sounds like the OP was willing to stick with him when his luck was down. She specifically says she had no issues when the market went against him but now it’s picked up she’s annoyed because he’s changed his mind and has lost his drive. Obviously nothing wrong with his priorities changing but equally nothing wrong with the OP still having the same goals and wanting her husband to share them.

@geriatricmum
but surely you would want to spend more time with your children or are you happy for them to be brought up by someone else?

Nurseries/childminders etc don't bring up children.

Totally unreasonable. Life is about a lot more than money and it feels like this is all you are bothered about. That, or status.

If you are on track for a long hours, high paying job and that’s what you want, then that’s up to you. Not everyone is bothered about working themselves in to the ground for money.

totally agree!

So he should earn more so she can faff around doing fuck all? Jesus wept

In what world, on a mum's site, is being able to afford a 12 month maternity leave 'faffing about doing fuck all'? 🤔

I have no sympathy with someone doing a fourth masters but also lying to themselves / their partner about ultimately wanting a higher paid job.

It's fine if that's a shared deal. But it's also ok not for her to want that, especially as it stands, if they have kids she's likely to end up with short maternity leaves and working more while he's with the kids (or like in my case, work more and also pay for lots of childcare because he likes his comfortable life too much to be with the kids all the time either).

You don’t have to buy a house in London though. I have family who work in London and commute from a cheaper area.

It feels like you married the is guy almost purely for his earning potential.

A relationship with a huge salary difference can work but yes expectations need to be adjusted. I’d say you need to have a long hard look at yourself and what you actually want and get out because it feels like this relationship is doomed. You’re always going to be pushing for more and resenting it when he doesn’t deliver

Sounds more like he married her for her earning potential to me.

They agreed to buy a house in London, if he has changed his mind then he needs to talk with OP instead of pretending that he wants the same things as her.

Sounds more like he married her for her earning potential to me.

Me too.

You say you are both driven OP but I think you are driven by different things. I think you need to sit down and work out what you both want and how you are going to get there. A fourth masters does seem like a bit of an indulgence if this means that your plans for a home and a family will be sidelined.

We can’t know that from her side of the story. Dreams and ambition change. Marrying someone who earns more money doesn’t mean they want to mooch off them.

I’d bet anything that she’s made it very clear how she feels and so no doubt he’s worried about admitting the truth to her. Not saying that he should carry on with saying he wants more but I can totally see how he’s in this situation.

Maybe he changed his mind because he likes his job? Or he wanted to do a masters. Obviously you can have a conversation about it but it’s not like he’s sitting round at home on the sofa all day.

They can change. It doesn't mean OP has to accept it though, especially if they are now completely different to her dreams and ambitions.

You can't know that either.

If one day you have kids, even if you buy in nannies or childcare, one of you will need to be the parent who attends school plays, goes to parties, organises outfits for theme days, gets the school uniform, makes the lunches ready etc etc.

If your DH wants balanced life and is willing to take in that role, you can pursue a career and ambitions.

Being in a partnership is about not being the same or having the same ambitions, but leveraging of each others strengths and weaknesses. Which will change over time.

If you're working all hours with the hope of enjoying it later the one not 'pulling their weight' is enjoying life at your expense. Of course, as you said it is a choice, and people can change their minds. But that's the way it feels.

Especially if they haven't adjusted their life plans. So they still want the benefits, but not the work.

This sums it up.

I didn’t say they did have to accept it. I said she needs to have a look at what she values/wants and get out.

A fourth masters is self indulgent, perpetual student, selfish bullshit.

Especially if it isn't done with a clear career path or a plan as to how it will benefit the family.

I did a masters while I had children. My DH really had to step up to make it work. I wouldn't have done it unless I was sure we would all benefit in the long run and it would be worth the time investment.

He sounds like he is meandering with no direction.

So you married him for his earning potential and now don’t like the fact he’s stress free at work and isn’t fulfilling the financial requirements you desire he’s wrong?

When I met DH he was on the fast track teacher thingy (that might not be the actual name lol) and wanted to be a head teacher blah blah. Over time he’s changed his mind and is now “just” (his word, not mine as I couldn’t do his job) a regular teacher, no leadership to extra responsibility and he’s happy with that. I’m the higher earner and it’s actually given me more freedom to pursue my career.

My comment was more in relation to the suggestion of a career break. I think we'd all like to just not go to work for a while but reality disallows that. I found the suggestion that because DH isn't earning more so OP can't have a career break kinda grim