To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

Will he happily leave work at 5 to collect children and cook him dinner? Because if you find a truly ambitious man they often are expecting to never ever have to do that and the juggle is a huge challenge and costs you another salary in terms of childcare. But if he won’t do that or get a better job then I’d think I made a mistake tying myself to this man.

My dh is pretty high earning (earns more than OP) and he comes home and cooks dinner. It is not one or the other. 120K is a lot but for mid-level professionals in London is a relatively average amount as high earners go.

YABU. He’s happy in his job and it pays a decent amount. If you want to earn more then you do that but personally I think you should be pleased he’s in a good job that he likes.

This.

Four masters! If you met him now, would you date him as a marriage prospect?

How old are you?

I understand your point of view. It is possible to be to be both ambitious and family driven. The way you talk about him makes me feel that you have the resentment already. That he lied to you to get you to commit and benefits from your hard work. It sounds like you are already falling out of love with him.

I would leave before you have kids.

Gosh...... I'd leave him. It's definitely more important to earn tonnes of cash rather than be happy and fulfilled. The wanting to not work insane hours is unforgivable. Get rid of him.

Regardless, something will have to give to accommodate those hours, kids, relationships, friends, other interests, health (both physical and mental) Invariably it lacks balance. If you’re working 14 hours each day asleep for 8, you have very little time for anything else.

It's certainly important to be on the same page as your life partner. His being happy and fulfilled isn't enough if his wife is stressed and resentful.

You might think she's a lesser human because she values a high income and you may even be right, but if that's who she is, partnering with an incompatible person is a hiding to nothing. To thine own self be true.

So I am a 6 figure person and I'd struggle to be with someone who wasn't as motivated as me. That doesn't necessarily mean I'd expect them to earn lots of money though.

On the upside you have choices as you have kids, he can step up and do more than you or if he does earn more eventually you'll be able to have a nanny.

One thing though, I am actually a lone parent, kid in private school etc but i live out in Oxfordshire, I suggest if things stay as they are you move out of London, if you want the lifestyle you want at his earning level.

FOURTH masters. He’s collecting them like Pokémon.

I'd say you are not BU. As a high earning, driven working person, I'm not surprised you feel your partner should be the same.
Unfortunately, he's not, is he?
I would be annoyed at this. I feel if people want to do something, they'll try to make it happen. He's not making a high salary happen. He's not motivated enough.

my DP is the same. He's only motivated to go as far as he feels HE wants to. 20 years of marriage, and I'm resentful as hell and exaughsted trying to earn more and more money.

I wish you well. YANBU.

My DH earned a high salary, but then his health failed him. He now has various medical equipment and is limited to how much he can work, and what he can earn. There are also lots of hospital appointments, and his quality of life is limited. It wasn't in our life plans but we've adapted, lowered our expectations, and I'm now the breadwinner.

What I'm saying is you can marry a high earner and life still throw a curve ball, and it not work out as planned. No guarantees.

That's different to never having had the drive to begin with, though. The spirit is willing...

Which is why I'd like to know what his "missing" salary means to OP. Is there a specific lifestyle she wants that isn't possible on £160k, or does she simply not like her husband not matching her and would feel the same if he were on £120k but she were on £250k?

It's really common for ambitious 20-somethings to change their minds about what they want out of life.

When you're in your 20s it's easy to be ambitious. You can talk the big talk about wanting to own companies, run the world, earn squillions of pounds. You've got energy and you're motivated because you don't have much to start with.

When you're in your 30s it's different. You've been grinding for a decade, you know what it's taken to get this far and you know what you'll have to sacrifice to get even further. You've also grown up a bit - you have more self-awareness but you also realise that material success isn't ultimately what matters in life. Once you get to a stage of being comfortably off and respected in your field on a mid-range salary, the idea of killing yourself to become absurdly well-off seems bonkers.

I had all sorts of ambitions about running the world when I was 21. I'm proud of what I've achieved and continue to achieve, and I still want more than I've got so far, but realising what I'd have to do to make it to the very top is a total turn-off - and it doesn't even seem that appealing to be at the top any more. I find I'm more ambitious about wanting to help make the world a better place, these days. Fighting for justice seems a touch more urgent than earning six figures for myself.

OP's husband hasn't broken any sort of contract in coming to this realisation. It's what happens to most people. There's absolutely nothing unreasonable about his choice.

As for her... well, "for richer or poorer" is one of the most essential marriage vows, and it underpins any long-term commitment too. It's not even about ambition or drive - getting and staying rich is as much about luck as hard work. An ambitious, hard-working partner's successful business could be derailed by forces beyond their control. The point of having a life partner is that they're there for you anyway, because they love you for who you are and not what material things you provide.

I'd have a very low opinion of anyone in my life who expressed feelings like the OP's.

Hmmm I think he is able to work less, in a less challenging job and coast along with anothe MA because you are funding his life. In order for you to have what you desire lifestyle wise - it will be down to you. And that’s your decision now whether you stop this relationship now nd find someone who can provide for you or you accept that you will be the one providing for him to live his lifestyle. But you don’t get your best lifestyle, he does.

Again, it depends. I feel like we have a great balance due to flexibility and the option to work from home despite both of us working long hours generally.

I think you hit the nail on the head. 👏🏿

Did your house cost £1M when you bought it though? Could you have afforded to buy it at £1M at the salary you were on when you bought it? Could you have afforded to buy it at the price you actually bought it for if you didnt already have equity from two flats that had appreciated in value since the time you bought them? Because no one on a £40K salary will be able to afford a £1M flat - but that is the current price of the house that you were able to buy at that kind of salary. Can you not see it's not the same situation at all?

@gannett absolutely - can you imagine the comments if this was a woman on £40k and a high earning husband!!

I'd feel the same way. It's about them agreeing previously so they could have the house they wanted, be able to travel like they wanted etc and now that seems to have changed because OP is a high earner so her husband doesn't feel like he has to bother.

A man or a woman is allowed to be unhappy with that and feel like maybe they just want different things after all.

There's nothing intrinsically wrong with what he's doing. There's also nothing intrinsically wrong with him effectively no longer wanting to be so driven and to favour a work life balance.

Equally there's nothing wrong with you saying that those things are still things you want in a partner, and to finish the relationship.

You've grown apart. It happens. Sorry.

@SouthLondonMum22 I don't disagree, although it seems very black and white to me- I do think though the comments would be very different.

I don't think it's just about the sex though. It's also their location.
London is a very different beast to the rest of the country. You're competing with a slew of investment and international buyers with lots of family wealth. Prices are high and constantly increasing.
It's an environment where you simply cannot put a foot wrong.
And buying a flat etc doesn't always work now that there are so many of them... With ludicrous service charges.
Even before COVID prices had somewhat stagnated, and that aside high rents made a deposit hard to save in a short period of time.
Not to mention commute - if you buy a house far away you risk being on the 'wrong' side of London for any other job, you need to factor in changing at the central station to your final destination.

At least that's how it felt to me.

I wasn't willing to do that, so i left. Now I have a family home 20 min train ride away from the city centre, other places around greater Manchester are 30 mins away by car or public transport. I wouldn't be able to do the same in London.

At the end of the day everyone has to crunch the numbers...

People are allowed to change their minds about what they want out of life and the point of my post was that this is extremely common. So many people I know hit a point, usually in their 30s, where they re-evaluated what they wanted out of life, and the answer wasn't to work all hours of the day to climb the corporate ladder but to make the world a better place or to spend more time with their loved ones.

It's usually not a source of strife because most healthy relationships are based on love for your partner as a person, not for their future earnings.

It'd be damn silly to rely on your partner's projected future earnings for the life you want anyway. They're not actually in control of that and even if they continue to want it, all sorts of things could prevent them. At times like that, when you fail to get what you want, the point of having a partner is to have someone who will support and love you regardless.

I've had career successes but also career failures that left me feeling devastated. DP was my rock in those moments. His first reaction wasn't that my future earnings had been impacted!

And yes, the comments would absolutely be different if the sexes were reversed.

MN is a very very strange place when it comes to traditional masculinity. On the one hand you get thoughtful threads on toxic masculinity and how to best raise boys so they don't feel confined to traditional male roles.

On the other, there's absolutely a default assumption that being a man = being a provider. And any man who isn't a tall, strong, rugby-playing man's man gets all those childish "he gave me the ICK because of his voice/height/fashion sense" dating threads.

Make up your minds!