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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

866 replies

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:19

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

OP posts:
BCCGoAway · 21/06/2023 22:06

Peachy2005 · 21/06/2023 21:45

If her DH is coasting and keeps doing more Masters degrees rather than using his qualifications and fulfilling his earning potential, OP will never be able to take any extra maternity leave or a career break if she wishes to do so after having kids. And that's not exactly fair of him, is it?

? I don’t think I’m entitled to a career break after having kids because I have a vagina. I don’t see any unfairness, I see poor communication and an OP that thinks an aspiration to earn a high wage means you will definitely earn a high wage which is a tad arrogant and naive. If it were that easy, everyone would be in £100k+ jobs.

Exhaustedcog · 21/06/2023 22:07

My husband had a high paid long hours job . He suffered a cardiac arrest from the stress of it. It’s not worth it

SueVineer · 21/06/2023 22:07

If this was the other way round (op dh was the lower earner) I bet the responses would be radically different.

i think it is fair enough to choose a better work life balance over higher salary especially as you earn well. You could afford to get on the housing ladder with that income. But ultimately if you don’t have the same goals, it won’t work

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 22:10

SueVineer · 21/06/2023 22:07

If this was the other way round (op dh was the lower earner) I bet the responses would be radically different.

i think it is fair enough to choose a better work life balance over higher salary especially as you earn well. You could afford to get on the housing ladder with that income. But ultimately if you don’t have the same goals, it won’t work

I'd feel the same no matter what because of what they agreed previously. He can change his mind of course but that doesn't mean OP has to be ok with that.

OMG12 · 21/06/2023 22:12

MykonosMaiden · 21/06/2023 20:53

@OMG12 depending on the type of job long hours doesn't mean less family time. It's very hard though if you're not suited to it and/or can't afford to buy in help.

Senior people where I work for example - early start before kids wake up, off to school. Log off on time but then back at it when kids in bed.

I know loads like this, they’re generally too knackered to fully engage with their kids and definitely their partners. It’s no life

OMG12 · 21/06/2023 22:16

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 20:55

Plenty of parents both work full time. They can still make time for their children.

There’s a difference between working full time and working long hours/full time with additional job on top

Quiverer · 21/06/2023 22:17

Why are you restricting yourself to London for raising a family?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 21/06/2023 22:20

Blondewithredlips · 21/06/2023 21:28

Why don't you get a high paid job?

Why don’t you get some eyes?

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 21/06/2023 22:21

Quiverer · 21/06/2023 22:17

Why are you restricting yourself to London for raising a family?

Because, presumably there aren’t the same opportunities to earn the great salary she’s on (not to mention the profession) if she moves to cheaper area. 😆

OMG12 · 21/06/2023 22:21

MissTrip82 · 21/06/2023 21:37

People continuing demanding stressful jobs after they have children are the reason when your child has a life-threatening illness or injury there are ambulances, emergency departments, operating theatres and intensive care units staffed to save their life.

The people who feel sorry for my children manage to keep their opinions to themselves as I put their kid on life support whilst someone else looks after mine.

What a load of bollocks. You do realise people contribute to the nhs and make plenty of time for their kids. We generally use our private medical cover for our child. It’s about balance.

my taxes will probably be paying for people who have had heart attacks from stress, help for kids who have hit the drugs because their parents haven’t been around.

Bit if you can justify not being there for your kid by some spurious claim that it saves the life of someone’s child crack on, bet your kid is well happy with that

Blondewithredlips · 21/06/2023 22:23

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 21/06/2023 22:20

Why don’t you get some eyes?

I get bored very easily with these types of "problems" so did not read the whole thread.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 21/06/2023 22:23

OMG12 · 21/06/2023 22:21

What a load of bollocks. You do realise people contribute to the nhs and make plenty of time for their kids. We generally use our private medical cover for our child. It’s about balance.

my taxes will probably be paying for people who have had heart attacks from stress, help for kids who have hit the drugs because their parents haven’t been around.

Bit if you can justify not being there for your kid by some spurious claim that it saves the life of someone’s child crack on, bet your kid is well happy with that

Oh do one, stop trying to shame people (women) for working and being successful.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 21/06/2023 22:23

Blondewithredlips · 21/06/2023 22:23

I get bored very easily with these types of "problems" so did not read the whole thread.

And yet you felt the need to spend time ‘contributing’. Why?

Blondewithredlips · 21/06/2023 22:26

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 21/06/2023 22:23

And yet you felt the need to spend time ‘contributing’. Why?

Because it is a free country. Are you the mumsnet police op? You sound like a crushing bore tbh

Kabbalah · 21/06/2023 22:27

I've worked at jobs that pay £100k+. I hated it and only lasted 12 months. After that, I went back to the job I loved at a lower salary. No regrets.

Job satisfaction for me, every time.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 21/06/2023 22:28

Blondewithredlips · 21/06/2023 22:26

Because it is a free country. Are you the mumsnet police op? You sound like a crushing bore tbh

😂 I think it’s ‘crashing bore’.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 21/06/2023 22:34

The problem is not the money per se. It's that he changed the goalposts without a future plan with you which is unacceptable imo
No one needs 4 masters! Even 3
He could well be sidelined for roles with those if they are taken just to delay finding a career
Have you had an honest discussion?
If he won't see your point of view, then this is a dealbreaker

AllTheChaos · 21/06/2023 22:35

OMG12 · 21/06/2023 22:21

What a load of bollocks. You do realise people contribute to the nhs and make plenty of time for their kids. We generally use our private medical cover for our child. It’s about balance.

my taxes will probably be paying for people who have had heart attacks from stress, help for kids who have hit the drugs because their parents haven’t been around.

Bit if you can justify not being there for your kid by some spurious claim that it saves the life of someone’s child crack on, bet your kid is well happy with that

I think you have misunderstood. It is the medical staff who are being referred to as working long hours in that post.

I mean, your post is a troll post for sure, but please at least read the posts you are trolling, hmm?

OMG12 · 21/06/2023 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 22:36

OMG12 · 21/06/2023 22:16

There’s a difference between working full time and working long hours/full time with additional job on top

Depends. Some senior roles might be long hours but can also have a good amount of flexibility.

OMG12 · 21/06/2023 22:37

AllTheChaos · 21/06/2023 22:35

I think you have misunderstood. It is the medical staff who are being referred to as working long hours in that post.

I mean, your post is a troll post for sure, but please at least read the posts you are trolling, hmm?

It’s not a troll post, and maybe you want to re read it.

Gh12345 · 21/06/2023 22:37

I think you’re possibly being controlling, I was expecting you to say way less than what he’s earning and he gets his masters.

mayorofcasterbridge · 21/06/2023 22:42

Gh12345 · 21/06/2023 22:37

I think you’re possibly being controlling, I was expecting you to say way less than what he’s earning and he gets his masters.

He's already done too many Masters ffs!!

I do wish OP @carrotstyx would come back and clarify things!

Blondewithredlips · 21/06/2023 22:47

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 21/06/2023 22:28

😂 I think it’s ‘crashing bore’.

I rest my case you are a bore.

NEmama · 21/06/2023 22:48

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 18:06

I make 120k, and on track for more. I have avoided the question so far because undoubtedly people will say "oh well I only earn X" so stop being greedy. Unfortunately to raise a family in London and to buy a house here you need to earn big big £££

Fucking hell. You're on a combined income of 160 grand and rent.
Whole other world

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