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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

866 replies

carrotstyx · 21/06/2023 17:19

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 21:34

SunIsShininInTheSky · 21/06/2023 21:32

He's not posting on the internet saying he'd expect her to be earning far more by now and that she's a bit lazy for not sacrificing a job she's happy in to chase the money!

He's happy to live off of her high salary though. I wonder if he'd feel differently if he didn't have that?

Blondewithredlips · 21/06/2023 21:35

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 21:29

She already has one.

So she says but if her partner does not earn enough to fund her lifestyle she should get a better paid job or end the relationship.

MykonosMaiden · 21/06/2023 21:36

mayorofcasterbridge · 21/06/2023 21:33

You can also fund your own? I ended up funding my professional qualification as I left one organisation that had been funding it, and had completed it by the time I had another permanent post. Work then paid for my Masters later on.

The more I think about a 4th Masters, the more fucking ridiculous it sounds! I think it could actually be embarrassing. Total waste of time. And as I said before, if the company can afford to pay £20k for a Masters, then they could up his salary.

Of course he could fund it himself - but if he had the money to spunk then maybe he has independent wealth that can make up for his job status. Who knows?

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 21:36

Blondewithredlips · 21/06/2023 21:35

So she says but if her partner does not earn enough to fund her lifestyle she should get a better paid job or end the relationship.

She already funds most of their lifestyle. Why should she be the one getting a better paid job?

mayorofcasterbridge · 21/06/2023 21:37

groupery · 21/06/2023 21:31

DH and I both worked F/T in office environments and managed to rear three children. The only 'plus' I had was a workplace that was flexible re start and finish times. No family support. Nursery/childminder for the rest. We managed.

So you had flexibility & help and are agreeing with me? 😆

How am I agreeing with you?? We paid for childcare. I could start work at 9.30 instead of 9am, big ups! That's very far from what you are describing. We both had a long commute too.

It was far from one person being PT and the other able to WFH! We never were able to WFH!! Our eldest is 26 - FFS we didn't even have work laptops back then!!

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 21:37

MykonosMaiden · 21/06/2023 21:36

Of course he could fund it himself - but if he had the money to spunk then maybe he has independent wealth that can make up for his job status. Who knows?

I have a bad feeling that OP funded them.

MissTrip82 · 21/06/2023 21:37

OMG12 · 21/06/2023 20:28

How great is that for the kids🤦‍♀️

People continuing demanding stressful jobs after they have children are the reason when your child has a life-threatening illness or injury there are ambulances, emergency departments, operating theatres and intensive care units staffed to save their life.

The people who feel sorry for my children manage to keep their opinions to themselves as I put their kid on life support whilst someone else looks after mine.

groupery · 21/06/2023 21:39

@MykonosMaiden I can't be bothered to scroll back but I thought I quoted someone else's post but maybe they all blurred into one.

AllTheChaos · 21/06/2023 21:39

Bananarepublic · 21/06/2023 18:38

Ignore anyone that criticises you for being a wonderful mother.

You haven't destroyed her, you've modelled someone who works hard to support themselves and those they love. You have nothing to feel bad about.

I wish women would stop being so horrible to each other about their legitimate choices.

Thank you @Bananarepublic! I really hate it when anyone bad mouths working mums - we’re doing our best and being a SAHP isn’t for everyone for all sorts of reasons.

Blondewithredlips · 21/06/2023 21:41

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 21:36

She already funds most of their lifestyle. Why should she be the one getting a better paid job?

She needs to cut her cloth to their income or increase her earnings. I would be horrified if one of my DC were in a relationship with someone that sees their worth in terms of their earnings.

MykonosMaiden · 21/06/2023 21:41

SunIsShininInTheSky · 21/06/2023 21:32

He's not posting on the internet saying he'd expect her to be earning far more by now and that she's a bit lazy for not sacrificing a job she's happy in to chase the money!

Well the OP hasn't been back but whether he is greedy or not depends on his expectations.
Owning property AND travelling 'around the world' is expensive. Someone has to earn that money.

Fair enough if he's had a change of heart and wants a more modest lifestyle, London house prices aside, but doesn't seem the case. Again, maybe OP will come and disprove this.

FWIW I decided I didn't want the London grind. Moved out to Manchester and (as a brown immigrant) found it fabulous here. London isn't even that far away for day trips and things.

SunIsShininInTheSky · 21/06/2023 21:42

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 21:34

He's happy to live off of her high salary though. I wonder if he'd feel differently if he didn't have that?

Why does it matter if the woman earns more than the man? I earn marginally more than my husband, so what it's 2023, we want equality, it's here, some women earn more than their husband's. Do all women earning less live off their husband's then? Weird way to think about money in a marriage.

groupery · 21/06/2023 21:45

@mayorofcasterbridge are you ok? 😆 You had childcare which I class as help, be it a childminder or a nanny. There are families where women cannot afford to work because they can't afford the cost of childcare. Lots of people switch from nursery/childminder to nanny after dc2 as it's often more cost effective.
And flexibility does help as without it many can't do pick ups/drop offs.

Peachy2005 · 21/06/2023 21:45

If her DH is coasting and keeps doing more Masters degrees rather than using his qualifications and fulfilling his earning potential, OP will never be able to take any extra maternity leave or a career break if she wishes to do so after having kids. And that's not exactly fair of him, is it?

groupery · 21/06/2023 21:46

Our eldest is 26

Things are quite different today in terms of childcare costs.

mayorofcasterbridge · 21/06/2023 21:46

MykonosMaiden · 21/06/2023 21:41

Well the OP hasn't been back but whether he is greedy or not depends on his expectations.
Owning property AND travelling 'around the world' is expensive. Someone has to earn that money.

Fair enough if he's had a change of heart and wants a more modest lifestyle, London house prices aside, but doesn't seem the case. Again, maybe OP will come and disprove this.

FWIW I decided I didn't want the London grind. Moved out to Manchester and (as a brown immigrant) found it fabulous here. London isn't even that far away for day trips and things.

I did too. I was working for what was at the time one of the Big Five management consultancies/accountancy firms. I love London, but I didn't want to bring my children up there. I am sure I could have had a more high flying career had we stayed there, but I had other priorities.

Crikeyalmighty · 21/06/2023 21:46

someone else also said it's not fair that at £120k someone will be working their arse off- when he isn't- that's not always true either I'm afraid- I've worked in lots of industries, in roles in HR, recruitment , banking etc and there are a fair few businesses where a 'sales' element was involved where people did earn this when they got lucky on a few big deals and earnt very good commission indeed - they certainly were not working as hard on a consistent basis as I did when I was a nurse (many years ago) - high salary does not always involve non stop working your arse off- some industries pay very highly for particular skill sets/knowledge/contacts/gambling type activities and you can earn big money on 4 hours a day or 3 days a week. Look at the dodgy people in gvt, offering a bit of consultancy at £10k a day etc!!

mayorofcasterbridge · 21/06/2023 21:47

groupery · 21/06/2023 21:46

Our eldest is 26

Things are quite different today in terms of childcare costs.

You think?? So were salaries!! It's swings and roundabouts. Childcare was more than double our mortgage! There were years when I was basically working for my pension!!

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/06/2023 21:48

SunIsShininInTheSky · 21/06/2023 21:42

Why does it matter if the woman earns more than the man? I earn marginally more than my husband, so what it's 2023, we want equality, it's here, some women earn more than their husband's. Do all women earning less live off their husband's then? Weird way to think about money in a marriage.

I'd feel the same no matter if it's the man or the woman. I earn slightly more than my husband, that isn't my issue at all.

The issue is OP's husband seemingly coasting because of her high salary yet she is apparently 'grabby'.

mayorofcasterbridge · 21/06/2023 21:49

I'm perfectly ok thanks, you're the one with your head up your hole.

groupery · 21/06/2023 21:49

You think?? So were salaries!! It's swings and roundabouts.

pretty sure house price ratio to salaries were lower...

Childcare was more than double our mortgage! There were years when I was basically working for my pension!!

Sounds like you're bitter about it!!!!!!!

mayorofcasterbridge · 21/06/2023 21:51

Not at all - just stating a fact.

Our house was expensive when we bought it, relative to our salaries.

groupery · 21/06/2023 21:51

I'm perfectly ok thanks, you're the one with your head up your hole.

Yep you certainly seem ok! 😆

blueshoes · 21/06/2023 21:52

OP, he has moved the goalposts. He is not the go getter you married and is maybe just a little lazy and happy to live off your labour.

The way this is going is he has set himself out to be the lower earner with steady hours who will probably do more of the childcare whilst you spend more time at work and be the main breadwinner. Lots of women do this but are you happy for your dh to take this role.

Bear in mind in a divorce, you will come out very badly being the non-resident parent and having to continue to fund his lifestyle and the dc's. You got to decide what's right for you and put down some boundaries before you have dcs before you sleepwalk into this nightmare scenario.

user1471554720 · 21/06/2023 22:04

Your partner is able to choose to earn 40k and work in a low stress job because YOU are a high earner and he can piggyback on you.

Would he be so quick to take a stress free job if he had no partner and had to feed and house himself out of his 40k????

Are you happy to facilitate another person having an 'easy' job, and picking up the tab???? Resentment will eat at you. If you are young and have no dc it may be time to call it a day.