To feel slightly annoyed at DH not getting a higher paying job?

[carrotstyx]

So dh is very well qualified. When we first met, I was always told by him how he was going to get X job and earn X amount by this stage of life etc. I believed him. It came around to applying for these jobs, and the market had all but closed up. So he accepted a different job as a stop gap. It's decently paid, but not very highly paid like he said he was going to get.

That's fine. His employer knows the market has changed so dh is at risk of jumping ship for far higher pay elsewhere. So they have offered to fund a masters course for him, which he has accepted, which means he would have to work for the company for 2 years or face paying back £20k. The masters isn't really worth that, and people in his industry have told me that it's a bit of a waste of time. Essentially, his employer has dangled a rotten carrot to keep him working for them as they wouldn't be able to replace him. There is no scope for asking for a pay increase as it's a huge multinational with strict rules.

I think the real reason dh wants to stay in the job is that it's 10am-6pm, and generally zero pressure. But before this, he was all for going for the very highly paid job and working long hours to set himself up in a lucrative career. This suited us as I work in a long hours high pressure job, so it sort of feels like he no longer aims for the stars because he knows that (hopefully) I am on the track to a high paying job, so he will still benefit from a high salary.

Where I work, senior people have the most flexibility which is also the same at DH's work. It's a reason why we didn't have a child until we were both at this level.

This means we can control our diaries to a certain extent, work from home when wanted/needed and we can also share nursery drop offs and pick ups.

Also am I the only one wondering how all these Masters' were funded?
AFAIK you only get postgraduate loans for one.
Were all the others employer funded?

Senior people where I work for example - early start before kids wake up, off to school. Log off on time but then back at it when kids in bed.

Everyone I know in a senior position (law, finance & medicine) has either a partner that isn't f/t or working &/or nanny/au pair. Plus flexibility & wfh. I'm not sure how 2 people manage full on jobs 5 days out of the home & a commute without help.

As I said i'm p/t & DH works from home half the week. We still use a childminder a few days a week & as they've got older I find we have less time in the evening as more clubs/activities.

@caringcarer and I agree with that too- hence why I said that whether she puts up with it very much depends if she still loves him as he is or if she loved what she thought he would become .

Unless I'm missing something - nobody has said that.
PP's comment was about long hours leaving less time for family. I was just pointing out that it isn't necessarily true, in professions where you can 'make up' the hours later.
I also explicitly stated that you need to be suited (early starts/ late nights) and have the money to buy in help.

Me too!

Crunch time to reevaluate the relationship - before children enter the picture.

I'm sure someone upthread said they worked loads of hours & their DH had 2 jobs.

I was just pointing out that it isn't necessarily true, in professions where you can 'make up' the hours later.

I was just pointing out that it can be tough depending on industry & what external help you have.

I also explicitly stated that you need to be suited (early starts/ late nights) and have the money to buy in help.

I haven't disagreed, I was replying to someone else's post 🤷🏻‍♀️

Did you just marry for having someone with a high paying job/status, it sounds that way? Shallow and grabby (even if you earn well), my husband is more that his earning potential, if he's in a job he's happy with and is bringing enough to the table to contribute that'd fine by me (my husband has a career but he doesn't have to kill himself to earn big!).

Please explain how someone (or a couple) on gross £80k can afford a £1m house. Even at four times the gross at £80k is only a £320k mortgage. I live in the SE not London and even here now you can’t get much for £320k. Repayment on £320k will take a considerable amount of one’s net income too. Things have changed considerably in one generation.

How does it make OP grabby but not OP's DH?

DH and I both worked F/T in office environments and managed to rear three children. The only 'plus' I had was a workplace that was flexible re start and finish times. No family support. Nursery/childminder for the rest. We managed.

Why don't you get a high paid job?

Move out of London and commute, that's what most of my uni pals did who had kids, no one stayed once kids came along. They'd have a much better standard of living somewhere nice in the countryside, London is horrible, no idea why anyone would want to live there?

She already has one.

DH and I both worked F/T in office environments and managed to rear three children. The only 'plus' I had was a workplace that was flexible re start and finish times. No family support. Nursery/childminder for the rest. We managed.

So you had flexibility & help and are agreeing with me? 😆

I’d be annoyed too if my partner who had previously given the impression he wanted to reach his full career potential and prepared to do the hours and graft to do so like me then decided they were happy to settle for 10-6pm low pressure job.

Doesn’t sound like your life goals are aligned @carrotstyx sorry.

I would have an open discussion with them about your future lives and goals and regardless of what he says if your gut tells you he is content with his current job, low pressure, etc then you have to decide if you can maintain a relationship that has a completely different attitude to work than yourself.

I wouldn't want to live in the countryside and certainly didn't enjoy it as a child growing up. Came to London for uni and never looked back, definitely home now.

London can be a great place to raise children.

He's not posting on the internet saying he'd expect her to be earning far more by now and that she's a bit lazy for not sacrificing a job she's happy in to chase the money!

London is horrible, no idea why anyone would want to live there?

well some of us are born & raised so have family here!

I think you seem to have forgotten that marriage is not a business. Unless you're planning a board meeting at the end of the year where everyone speaks to the P&L and the shortfall on the revenue over the expected planning horizon. I earn enough for my husband not to work, he has more interesting hobbies than I do. Why wouldn't you just be glad he's happy?

You can also fund your own? I ended up funding my professional qualification as I left one organisation that had been funding it, and had completed it by the time I had another permanent post. Work then paid for my Masters later on.

The more I think about a 4th Masters, the more fucking ridiculous it sounds! I think it could actually be embarrassing. Total waste of time. And as I said before, if the company can afford to pay £20k for a Masters, then they could up his salary.

& if you're a 1st/2nd gen immigrant London is probably one of the most welcoming places or at least it was.

If you actually bothered to read the thread you would see she earns THREE times what this perpetual student husband earns 🙄

You quoted me though - not sure what you were actually trying to reply to