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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To lie my way out of the nightmare that is wedding season

358 replies

Supergluedisaster · 21/06/2023 11:40

I despise weddings. Always have always will. I’m not a social person and I can’t eat in the company of strangers. I hate making small talk and I’m a diehard eco warrior so the compulsory purchasing of outfits and travel and all the crappy ( mostly thrown away) food really grates on me.
they’re always in the summer too, a waste of a day that could have been spent on the beach or in the forest or something with the kids and not boring them to death dressed like miniature accountants for the day.
DH and I could have afforded to do what we wanted for our wedding and we simply signed at the RO and went to the pub, 6 of us took about 3.5 hrs including eating and drinking at pub .Family were delighted we weren’t forcing them to participate in anything else.
anyway, we get about 4 invites a year. I decline nearly all of them ( cousins, friends etc) luckily siblings won’t do weddings either as they share my views so never expected to be important guests anyway. Every single time I say… sorry we’re on holiday. The extended family must think we’re away all summer ! What worries me is that when the kids are old enough to use social media or talk to the family independently they’re going to drop me in it. Also feels a bit awkward trying to avoid them long enough for them to not ask the kids how their holiday was … is there a more ethical and grown up way to avoid these things without offending people? Has anyone ever had the balls to just say ‘sorry not for us we hate weddings! But good luck hope it goes really well?’

OP posts:
Sally543 · 21/06/2023 18:41

I’ve got to start by saying I love a wedding especially if you don’t have to be involved in planning or paying for it . I don’t get invited to many. Sound to me that you really shouldn’t go to these wedding as you have such strong feelings just politely decline if you need a reason say weddings aren’t your thing but hope you have a lovely day . That was way there’s saving some money or more likely can invite someone that wants to be there .

PonyPatter44 · 21/06/2023 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

She already told us - they've got barrels of money and are playing at the "farming life". Rich people do exist, whether you approve of them or not.

LdyPdy · 21/06/2023 18:54

Just show them this post and I'm sure they won't want you at their wedding 😂

ilovesooty · 21/06/2023 19:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Your persistent questions are really rude.

FrownPrincess · 21/06/2023 19:03

I admire you OP for replying with such good humour in the face of so much rudeness and hostility!

ilovesooty · 21/06/2023 19:05

FrownPrincess · 21/06/2023 19:03

I admire you OP for replying with such good humour in the face of so much rudeness and hostility!

So do I. Not to mention troll hunting.

Rycbar · 21/06/2023 19:10

I’m really sorry we have plans that day.

IsThisReallyPC · 21/06/2023 19:45

BunnyBettChetwynnd · 21/06/2023 17:08

Well I promise you that I am lovely, but I don't like weddings either. 😀 I've gritted my teeth and been to those of the people I love best. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the folk getting married and wish them a lifetime of love and joy, but oh my goodness, the palaver isn't for me as it clearly isn't for the OP.

Absolutely agree
So glad no one I know has bothered with getting married.
Palaver is a great word to describe all the faff.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 21/06/2023 19:47

@Mumsanetta your first post was very good. I think this thread has gathered more momentum than the OP anticipated. I think what she hoped was a witty safe bet (hating weddings, a Mumsnet staple) has rather backfired as the truth of her privilege and slight hypocrisy has come to the fore.

Nevermind. I’m sure living mortgage-free and wealthy in Cornwall will more than make up for a few snippy posts.

Somethingsnappy · 21/06/2023 19:49

Rycbar · 21/06/2023 19:10

I’m really sorry we have plans that day.

I think we've rather moved past that now... 😆

TiaraBoo · 21/06/2023 20:01

Well I wouldn’t want to wrangle 4 boys into smart clothes and drive 200 miles either!

Also, the wedding “rules” say 10% decline so you’re doing them a favour, especially as that’s 6 places freed up!

What I do want to ask is why you hate weddings being on summer weekends when you could be out at the beach/forest and then you say you’re having to pretend to go out / your DH sits on the sofa and doesn’t move.

Anyway, I’m sure you would go to a local simple wedding and have a great time, it’s just the formality and wasted expense you don’t like. I’m with you on that.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/06/2023 20:11

@TiaraBoo

not everyone wants a simple local wedding
And it’s not about what op would like to attend, it what the bride and groom want

Crikeyalmighty · 21/06/2023 20:16

@BunnyBettChetwynnd I'm lovely too and I'm not personally keen on big weddings either.

Some really bitchy comments on this thread though- I think a bit of green eyed monster from some.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/06/2023 20:32

Crikeyalmighty · 21/06/2023 20:16

@BunnyBettChetwynnd I'm lovely too and I'm not personally keen on big weddings either.

Some really bitchy comments on this thread though- I think a bit of green eyed monster from some.

@Crikeyalmighty

i don’t think it’s that. Op hasn’t really left the house for the last three weeks and never sees her pals in person, only online!
I think it’s more her judgmental comments at the start of the thread about people’s weddings - her early comments very much have the impression that such weddings were beneath her especially as an eco warrior and that!

alltoomuchrightnow · 21/06/2023 21:18

NO eco warrior has any kids! That's insane..you shoot yourself in the foot right now!
I also loathe weddings but I try to make the effort..surely some of those people ARE worth it? It's just a tiny segment of your life, to attend?
You sound a bit mean and ungenerous

PangoPurrl · 21/06/2023 21:49

EllaRaines · 21/06/2023 12:37

You could always go to a wedding g that's held in a venue where there are grounds. Your husband and children could enjoy themselves with the other guests whilst you go and hug some of the trees in the grounds and perhaps take a blanket that you've hand woven from the rags of old clothes and make yourself a a den amongst the trees.

As you won't be eating their food, don't forget to take along your home made nettle flavoured yoghurt and some honey from your beehive to dip some twigs in for a satisfying natural crunch. Oh and a bottle of your favourite home grown and brewed pear and marigold wine.

It's ironic that whilst you turn your nose up at people who you look down on that you are the one coming across as being pretentious.

Nope, the irony here is that you think that it's ok to speak to the OP in the condescending, mean spirited way that you have in this and your previous reply to make it clear that you think she is the one who isn't a nice person.

billy1966 · 21/06/2023 22:24

I think the OP sounds like a lovely woman that juggles 4 busy boys under 8.

I would have had absolutely zero interest in going to the effort of a wedding of someone I liked but was ambivalent about.

Too much effort when life was full on with the children.

The OP is being honest on a forum.

Why do so many posters have to so nasty and belittling towards her?

No one dies because of not wanting to go to a wedding.

What is the problem exactly that so many have to take it so personally and be so ugly?

She can't be arsed with the effort involved in going to a wedding with 4 children. So bloody what?🙄🤷🏻‍♀️

Good lord, is that so hard to understand without being so nasty about it?🙄

Cassandra1981 · 21/06/2023 22:45

If you value your morals so much just tell them the truth and stand by them!

Mumsanetta · 21/06/2023 23:00

@billy1966 I suspect that she wouldn’t have gotten the response she did if she had just said I can’t be arsed with going to a wedding with 4 children.

Instead, she said: “…and I’m a diehard eco warrior so the compulsory purchasing of outfits and travel and all the crappy ( mostly thrown away) food really grates on me.” when she has committed the eco warrior’s cardinal sin of having 4 children 😂. If you’re going to be judgy (which she proudly said she was), you have to be prepared to receive a few judgy replies in turn. Misrepresenting herself as just a simple farmer’s wife knowing full well that she is not the average farmer’s wife probably caught her a few barbs too.

I agree that the OP does sound like a lovely person but being lovely doesn’t mean she can’t rub people up the wrong way.

For what it’s worth, I’m not overly fond of other people’s weddings either if children are allowed to attend.

Kilorrery · 21/06/2023 23:05

billy1966 · 21/06/2023 22:24

I think the OP sounds like a lovely woman that juggles 4 busy boys under 8.

I would have had absolutely zero interest in going to the effort of a wedding of someone I liked but was ambivalent about.

Too much effort when life was full on with the children.

The OP is being honest on a forum.

Why do so many posters have to so nasty and belittling towards her?

No one dies because of not wanting to go to a wedding.

What is the problem exactly that so many have to take it so personally and be so ugly?

She can't be arsed with the effort involved in going to a wedding with 4 children. So bloody what?🙄🤷🏻‍♀️

Good lord, is that so hard to understand without being so nasty about it?🙄

Well, you’re clearly right that she can’t be arsed, and she doesn’t like other people and has an eating disorder, but I think what is getting up people’s noses is that she’s dressed up her anti-wedding stance as ‘eco warrior’ credentials, and concerns about food waste and buying the children ‘miniature account’ costumes.

If she’d simply said ‘I struggle in social situations, I have an eating disorder, my children are feral, and I just don’t want to — help me draft a wedding refusal that is both polite and honest’, she’d have had kinder, or at least more neutral responses.

Kilorrery · 21/06/2023 23:06

‘Miniature accountant’ costumes.

billy1966 · 21/06/2023 23:52

So what if she has made it more palatable for her.

She's just asking for a bit of advice, not to be shredded.

You'd want to be out of your mind to ask for advice on here.

I feel a bit judgy about weddings at times just reading the palaver that gets written about them on here.

It is possible to have children and care deeply about the environment.

The two aren't mutually exclusive.

wendyjoy · 22/06/2023 06:12

Some very nasty adverse comments on here.. if the OP has social anxiety who are you to judge.. she asked for advice yet most of you are being judge and jury and being very personal.
I love the sound of the OP and her family and lifestyle.. that would have been me 40 years ago.
Dear OP.. just write a letter/ email .. politely decline.. send a gift and a card and wish the couple well.

Mumsanetta · 22/06/2023 06:35

Of course you can care deeply about the environment if you have children. It just makes you a hypocrite to criticise other people’s choices on their wedding day on an environmental basis if you choose to have 4 children.

MrsMorrisey · 22/06/2023 06:55

TBH OP it sounds like we live similar lives however I don't claim to be an "eco warrior" because frankly it's a really wanky thing to say.

It's almost like you are superior because you're " doing your bit".
The reality is one person not buying outfits for their kids is not going to change a single thing.

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