To lie my way out of the nightmare that is wedding season

[Supergluedisaster]

I despise weddings. Always have always will. I’m not a social person and I can’t eat in the company of strangers. I hate making small talk and I’m a diehard eco warrior so the compulsory purchasing of outfits and travel and all the crappy ( mostly thrown away) food really grates on me.
they’re always in the summer too, a waste of a day that could have been spent on the beach or in the forest or something with the kids and not boring them to death dressed like miniature accountants for the day.
DH and I could have afforded to do what we wanted for our wedding and we simply signed at the RO and went to the pub, 6 of us took about 3.5 hrs including eating and drinking at pub .Family were delighted we weren’t forcing them to participate in anything else.
anyway, we get about 4 invites a year. I decline nearly all of them ( cousins, friends etc) luckily siblings won’t do weddings either as they share my views so never expected to be important guests anyway. Every single time I say… sorry we’re on holiday. The extended family must think we’re away all summer ! What worries me is that when the kids are old enough to use social media or talk to the family independently they’re going to drop me in it. Also feels a bit awkward trying to avoid them long enough for them to not ask the kids how their holiday was … is there a more ethical and grown up way to avoid these things without offending people? Has anyone ever had the balls to just say ‘sorry not for us we hate weddings! But good luck hope it goes really well?’

Just say you don't like going to weddings, why lie? It's actually better if people know this, then they won't think you are declining because you aren't really friends. Don't keep making up excuses/telling white lies.

Well I promise you that I am lovely, but I don't like weddings either. 😀 I've gritted my teeth and been to those of the people I love best. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the folk getting married and wish them a lifetime of love and joy, but oh my goodness, the palaver isn't for me as it clearly isn't for the OP.

I think it’s something you have to be aware of. Especially as I’m originally a town girl so there’s a risk that I could get carried away by this idealistic view of rural life only to find we’ve taken it too far and robbed the kids of opportunities along the way. While they’re small they are living their best lives and have really healthy active lifestyles and their little friends in the village meet their social needs very well. As they get older they are not going to all like the same things, they might grow apart from the other village kids, one seems quite gifted at music so may want to be in a band…. So I think it’s important to be open to the fact that they may need to be taken into town to the academy and us be prepared to collect them later into the evening to allow them to do normal teen stuff. Nearly 4 years left to work this out. They’re all different characters already so I’m fully expecting to have to adapt my lifestyle to accommodate all these young men. I’m just enjoying the calm before the storm I think.

My god mumsnet is a spiteful and bitchy place at the moment!

OP - you sound amazing, and your family's lifestyle idyllic. And you are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do about weddings. I've got zero clue why you're getting so much nastiness on here when every word you've written has been fair, honest and kindly put (and this is coming from someone who really enjoys a good wedding and is actually rather jealous of your 4 invites a year 😂).

Your responses are inspirational, btw - a masterclass in 'they go low, we go high' 😊.

I’m really not jealous, though I’m not about to reveal my lifestyle. Nor am I offended about weddings. But I do take farming quite seriously. And it doesn’t sound like they’re farmers. Just very wealthy people with land who can afford the luxury of neither of them working.

And I do think that the OP tried to portray her lifestyle in a way that was somewhat disingenuous. She may be motivated by eco issues, but I suspect in the way Harry felt the need to stand barefoot on stage at the Google Summit. Because he could afford to ‘care’.

She was also very rude (and a bit ageist), albeit in a funny way, about her family’s weddings, which doesn’t seem particularly pleasant.

That’s not to say she isn’t charming though, I don’t know her. I’m sure a glass of Peapod burgundy in her back garden would be great fun. And she’s been pretty gracious with the responses on the thread.

You are incredibly privileged - you live in a beautiful part of the country, in a farm house surrounded by land, mortgage free with 4 kids that you are able to afford despite having a very simple, pared back life. Believe it or not, it is easy to be an eco warrior and judgy about other people’s choices when your husband’s parents have set you up for life. If you really hate the invitations that much, I suggest you suck it up and attend one of the many weddings you are invited to, tell your loved ones and friends exactly what you think about their choices and the cheap tat at their wedding, and hopefully they will just stop inviting you once they know what you really think of them. My guess is that the cousins that you would really like to see won’t be so interested in seeing you!

Btw, the environmental impact of your “happy accidents” is enormous. I really wouldn’t be judgy about plastic tat and new outfits for a wedding when you have FOUR CHILDREN in case someone else points out that they have done more for the environment than you could in your lifetime by simply being more diligent with contraception.

I think you sound great!! In your shoes I think I would make many of the same choices. And your kiddos deserve the best life you can provide, of course.

@Mumsanetta
thank you for this . I don’t disagree with all of it. Perhaps you’ve overlooked the possibility that my diligence to try and be frugal and low impact was actually triggered by my contraception failures and the fact we felt a responsibility to try and reduce our contribution to the shit state of affairs. At no point did I call the weddings tacky! I actually described them as extravagant and wasteful which they are. Would I ever say that to someone’s face? Hell no. It’s rude and might upset them, hence me going to ridiculous lengths to hide the fact that they’re not my thing. And I’ve also stated that the weddings are awful for me for very valid reasons including logistics, managing the kids and the fact that I can rarely eat at them thus I’m hangry and unwell and not likely to enjoy it anyway. And even if you have got plenty of cash I don’t think that 4 smart outfits and smart shoes is a good investment. My boys would have to be bribed and wrestled into them and then they’d never be worn again. It’s wasteful. Even the royal family make a point of reusing clothes! And this is an anonymous forum which exists precisely for the purpose of asking advice / venting/ bitching or whatever without the risk of offending anyone. Thanks for your thoughts though.

I think you can suck up a wedding to celebrate a special day for your loved ones. It’s not about you, it’s about them.

I’m a massive introvert but it is possible to still find a way to enjoy social events if you focus on the positives and stop dwelling so much on hating stuff. You don’t have to buy new clothes, either.

Also maybe seek therapy for the eating thing if you’re not already.

@Supergluedisaster

so why don’t you reuse the clothes you buy for weddings then? You can wear the stuff you bought for one wedding for another.

'Lucky for you we wont be attending' should do it.

You sound like a terrible snob and an utter fun sponge I'm afraid OP. Can't fathom how you manage to get so many invites in the first place.

@Behindthelines

I’m resting a sore knee as I mentioned earlier. The kids are outdoors and will be in for their tea shortly. It’s just pasta tonight so they serve themselves and I really am not very busy at the moment. Last week was a bit manic but I’ve very little to do this week which is lucky as I’m quite useless atm.

@Behindthelines
you seem really invested.
Dh collected them as I have a sore knee. It’s a benefit to working at home
they are 8 ( in two weeks) 6, 5 and 4.
the pasta is ordinary mass produced dried pasta that comes in a massive bag and gets decanted into jars.
the sauce is homemade and batch cooked though. The cheese is local and comes via the pub.
I only shower them if they’re visibly dirty. They will wear the same clothes tomorrow apart from fresh pants and socks.
any other questions?

@Behindthelines sorry but what does it matter who collected the kids from school?

@Supergluedisaster the point I am trying to make is that when it comes to the planet, 4 kids are extremely extravagant and your frugal lifestyle will have a minimal impact. To be clear, I take no issue with the size of your family. I just don’t think you can have 4 kids and then complain about the extravagance of a wedding on the basis that you are an eco warrior. People in glass houses and all that.

I recall my own wedding with very fond memories and remember feeling like I was wrapped in the love and good wishes of my family and friends. My wedding was held in a stately home - so extravagant to some on that basis alone - and I would not have invited or wanted anyone in attendance who would taint my happy memories with their judgment.

@Behindthelines
we don’t attend the weddings ! That’s the point . I get a lot of invites but lie and say we can’t go. We don’t have a mortgage or rent to pay because the house is owned outright. We get some rent for land and have minimal overheads because we dont really eat out or buy new stuff. It’s pretty simple really .