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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not do anything for DH's 50th

176 replies

Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 11:16

It's his 50th next month, AIBU to not sort anything for his birthday?

I've asked him if he wants to go away anywhere. 'No'. Do you want anything? 'No'.

He doesn't have any family apart from his mum and he never bothered keeping in touch with friends the past 20 years so he lost them all, so no one else will do anything for him.

Shall I just get a card and his favourite drinks?

OP posts:
FiveShelties · 21/06/2023 11:19

Could you just book a restaurant and buy him a surprise present. My husband always says there is nothing he wants but I could not let his birthday go by without presents, cards and a meal out.

Mrsjayy · 21/06/2023 11:22

I would book a nice meal for you both or invite his mum and make a little bit of an effort treat him.

Original poster
Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 11:23

I've asked if he fancies a meal out but he says no to that too. We rarely eat out as he's fussy as well as having a few intolerances (not allergies just sensitivities).

Honestly at a loss even to buy him a present, he's hard to buy for.

OP posts:
shropshire11 · 21/06/2023 11:23

He may be shy, lacking confidence, and wary of asking for attention. But everyone likes a gesture on their birthday, even if it's something mild. It might be caring to do as PP have suggested and book a meal at his favourite restaurant - maybe write him a nice card?

FabulouslyFab · 21/06/2023 11:25

What do you usually do for his birthday?

Original poster
Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 11:25

Mrsjayy · 21/06/2023 11:22

I would book a nice meal for you both or invite his mum and make a little bit of an effort treat him.

Lovely idea normally but he'd never forgive me if I invited his mum 😂 he finds her exhausting to be with, sees her twice a year max.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 21/06/2023 11:25

Well if he's honestly not fussed get him what he likes .is there a premium .brand of the drinks he likes or even get a bottle of something with 50 on it.

DreamItDoIt · 21/06/2023 11:26

What does he do for your birthdays?

Growingoutthegrey · 21/06/2023 11:26

What about an experience? Day out in a nice town with lunch or a picnic, boat ride (canoe if your more adventurous), steam train journey, seaside for fish and chips?

Mrsjayy · 21/06/2023 11:26

Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 11:25

Lovely idea normally but he'd never forgive me if I invited his mum 😂 he finds her exhausting to be with, sees her twice a year max.

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Oh maybe not then 😄have a night in .

Gettingbysomehow · 21/06/2023 11:28

God my exH always used to do this - wasn't interested in doing anything or getting a gift and would then sulk all day and not talk to anyone.

Original poster
Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 11:31

FabulouslyFab · 21/06/2023 11:25

What do you usually do for his birthday?

I used to book experience days, big gestures; for his 40th I booked an amazing USA trip. More recently used to go to his one and only favourite restaurant but it's now closed down.

To be honest he doesn't really enjoy eating out anyway, he complains about the cost of everything and insists on only drinking tap water. He doesn't bother with conversation either so we just eat and we leave.

His response to other birthday stuff I've organised has been a bit flat.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 21/06/2023 11:33

Treat it like you would any other birthday. And tell him that.

In a way I am with him, as I don't buy into the hype of 'big birthdays'.

Original poster
Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 11:34

DreamItDoIt · 21/06/2023 11:26

What does he do for your birthdays?

He gets me a card and visits the same jewellery store and buys one of their £50 necklaces. Every birthday morning then he will ask me 'so what do you want to do'.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 21/06/2023 11:34

He sounds boring and hard work. Does he bring any joy to your life?

Mrsjayy · 21/06/2023 11:34

He sounds a misery I honestly wouldn't bother your effort isn't acknowledged. I know you want to make the big thing but if he isn't interested just leave it.

edwinbear · 21/06/2023 11:35

DH is a bit like this, but I go ahead and organise stuff anyway. Is there a subscription of something he'd like? Previously I've done 12 month subscriptions for cheese, a beer club thing and a Hotel Chocolat one, which were well received. It's nice to get a little treat delivered once a month for a year.

I'd book a dinner out but if he doesn't like eating out much, what about a theatre show, or even just cinema tickets but in the 'posh' seats, like a gallery if they do those near you. Or tickets to a sporting event if he likes that, football, rugby, tennis, F1? Would he like a track day, or a a guided tour round a football stadium?

ItsNotWhatItsNot · 21/06/2023 11:35

Doesn’t speak to you in restaurants, doesn’t like food or drink, no hobbies, no mates, doesn’t like his relatives, doesn’t want an experience or gift. Easy enough, then-do what he wants: fuck all.
Do you love being married to him? Sounds pretty dreary.

BridportSpectacular · 21/06/2023 11:35

Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 11:31

I used to book experience days, big gestures; for his 40th I booked an amazing USA trip. More recently used to go to his one and only favourite restaurant but it's now closed down.

To be honest he doesn't really enjoy eating out anyway, he complains about the cost of everything and insists on only drinking tap water. He doesn't bother with conversation either so we just eat and we leave.

His response to other birthday stuff I've organised has been a bit flat.

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What's his good points?

I think I'd be booking a divorce and looking for a more interesting husband.

MoonsHaunted · 21/06/2023 11:37

Aww you sound like a lovely person who wants to make the day special and put a smile on his face for once. But I think you know deep down that no matter what you do, he will be miserable. Is this the life you want for yourself? You sound so kind and generous and deserve someone who will appreciate that.

Original poster
Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 11:38

CalistoNoSolo · 21/06/2023 11:34

He sounds boring and hard work. Does he bring any joy to your life?

No. None whatsoever. :(

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 21/06/2023 11:40

Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 11:38

No. None whatsoever. :(

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Oh no that's so sad .you sound like you put in all the effort and get F all back from him.

Butchyrestingface · 21/06/2023 11:40

Iheargoats · 21/06/2023 11:38

No. None whatsoever. :(

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Is he depressed or has he always been like this?

DreamItDoIt · 21/06/2023 11:44

This is what I would do having read your comments. I would treat myself in my birthday and do exactly what he's asked for he's asked for his ie absolutely nothing. He won't appreciate it and won't reciprocate.

These days if someone tells me they 'don't mind' or are 'not bothered' then I believe them and act accordingly. Life is too short to waste time organising stuff for people who can't be bothered.

MadamWhiteleigh · 21/06/2023 11:44

I think I’d be using this milestone birthday as a reminder to look at my life and see if I’m happy with it. It doesn’t sound like you are.

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