To not do anything for DH's 50th

[Iheargoats]

It's his 50th next month, AIBU to not sort anything for his birthday?

I've asked him if he wants to go away anywhere. 'No'. Do you want anything? 'No'.

He doesn't have any family apart from his mum and he never bothered keeping in touch with friends the past 20 years so he lost them all, so no one else will do anything for him.

Shall I just get a card and his favourite drinks?

Book something you want to do as a gift for him.

Do what he asks, it's annoying when you say you don't want a fuss and people insist on making one, just so a gesture present and a card.

You literally have ONE life! Is this how you want to remember spending it when you are lying on your death bed?

Oh this is so sad.

My DH is similar in may ways (suspected ASD). He's a good man and I also told myself he was the sensible choice as he's honest, dependable and works hard. But he would be similar for a birthday and just shrug, has no friends etc.

However. We have two DDs and they are my absolute world. DH is dependable and a good man but my joy comes from my children.

How old are you? You say you're younger than him. It's a long life so if you would love a family and he doesn't then there is always still time to try to build that for yourself.

We’re not big on birthdays in our house but we always buy gifts and have a meal out or a takeaway. I didn’t want to celebrate my 50th really outside of my immediate family. We had a Chinese and watched a film 🙂. I think my husband wanted to do more but I was happy ! For his we did a big family meal because that’s what he likes. He didn’t want anything in particular but I couldn’t not buy presents. One thing he loved was a newspaper from the day he was born. Not loads of money but a nice keepsake.

This all seems like a massive sacrifice for financial security.

This resonates so much. I cannot go because I have children, but also, now I'm past 50, honestly, I think I've turned into a husk of my former self.

I used to blaze through life, but got the security I craved, it was a conscious decision.

It's only now that I realise I'm changed by being in this relationship for 20 years and genuinely feel too broken to imagine how I'd manage.

Please talk to someone. He may love you desperately, but if it's based on you doing everything his way, it's not a surprise he cracked up when you left, changing the status quo.

This is very much a "do as I say, not as I do" post.

We don’t really do major celebrations in our family either. For dh’s 50th, went to a local restaurant. Get a card, present and nice birthday cake and you’re sorted.

You said you have an income from “ our investments “. So you don’t need to stay for the money - these capital asset are joint - half yours.

So this is what to do for his birthday - get all your financial information together and go and see a highly recommended family solicitor. Write down everything she tells you and go away and think about it. tell no one.

Make an appointment with a counsellor. If you like them, go back for 6 or 8 sessions. If you don’t like then, try someone else. tell no one.

Then write a list of all the pros and cons of these three options

1. continuing in your marriage the way it is now
2. staying living with your husband but building a whole new life - taking up new hobbies, going out with friends more, volunteering for a cause you really care about , travelling . I mean doing all this alone/ with friends, not trying to make your husband do them with you.
3. divorcing him and doing what you want , which might be having children or anything else.

I say “ tell no one “ because I’m assuming that you don’t have a close trustworthy friend. I also mean don’t tell your husband about any of this . For two reasons

1. you are trying to work out what YOU want , not what he wants . And you seem to have a lot of trouble working out what your own wants and needs are . For someone who don’t shout, his voice is very loud in your head .
2. you are not doing this in an attempt to Manipulate or threaten him into changing . He won’t change, whatever you try to make him promise.

If you decide that your preferred option is 2, then just go ahead gradually and do it. No need for any announcements that will worry him. Just accept that he will never meet any of your needs for validation , companionship or socialising. That’s not who he is. Go and get these needs met elsewhere.

I suspect that if you divorce him he will get a replacement wife very quickly. He sounds like a creature of habit who does care for you in his own way. It’s just that you want very different things from a marriage and from life.

I think do something but something low key. So a present, card and maybe meal out or even takeaway if that’s what he prefers.

Sounds like he has Asperger’s or similar. He won’t change, so you pay your money (or spend his) and take your choice.

In some ways he sounds like my DB, whose wife left him because he was boring, when he had barely lived a day for himself his whole adult life, and definitely not when married - he just did what he thought was best for his children and let her walk all over him.

Drinks tap water and doesn’t speak. Fuck me.

@Dexysmidnightstroller - off topic, but please just use "autistic", not "Aspergers".

It's the name of a Nazi doctor who did unspeakable things with autistic children in concentration camps, and the sooner it's phased out, the better! Thank you.

Oh OP. I think you are married to mine. So that's where he goes on his long walks!
Seriously though, mine sounds the same. Except he's an alcoholic too. Which is marvellous. He is 50. He hates his mother. Has no friends other than acquaintances he might bump into on the odd occasion he goes to a match. No hobbies. I am fond of him but that's where it stops.
I don't even remember what I got him for his birthday. We may have gone out for a family meal, but he doesn't really 'do' eating so it was more for the kids. He got some random tat that he didn't use (and I knew he wouldn't but I couldn't get him nothing at all)

My mum is like this and when her 75th came around she begged us not to organise anything so we came to her house on the day with flowers and cake and had tea and she was thrilled that there was nothing big but she said glad we’d done something as she said afterwards she’d probably have felt a bit sad. Do something, it doesn’t have to be huge- a giant balloon and a day trip or his favourite present (again with a giant balloon lol!). But definitely do something!!

Everyone doesn't want a gesture for birthdays, anniversaries, many might but not everyone. I've always loathed the idea of being the centre of attention and never wanted to mark things other than maybe a meal with immediate family. The OP's husband is entitled not to fit into the social media mould.

Ah rtft too late. I still say do what I said but hope you get some advice or help that resonates or even that you just have a chat with your dh op x

How old are you @Iheargoats?

Just because someone isn't pathetic enough to spend all their life on social media, posting tedious pictures of every aspect of their life it simply means they have different ideas from you, and many, but that doesn't make them miserable, unless you think we should all be boring clones of you!

The OP says he brings no joy to her life.
My DH is also quiet, not on social media, has few friends, doesn't want gifts. But he will come out with me to a restaurant or a gig and talk to me

OP also says she feels lonely. No wonder if he falls asleep at 8 pm and won't say a word. Might as well get a inflatable doll.

How old are you?

Could you book something you would like eg city break. He could sit in the hotel if he didn't want to do anything and you go and see the sights

From your answers the only thing you need sounds like divorce papers. Imagine the next 30+ years of that!

He won't want to hear it but he needs to be with someone more similar to him.

I'm happy at home.. take pleasure from simple things. If this makes me boring than I am! Dh is the opposite a massive extrovert and wants to live life to the full. But we accept we are different and BOTH make an effort. With your sacrifice of having children and everything else, it's only you compromising, not him.

You haven't said how old you are unless I've missed it.

But even for a quiet person like me, not speaking in a restaurant is so awful it would spur me into action.